Are We Spoiling Her?

[candelaria80]

Hello,
I am a first time mom to a beautiful 15 week old girl and have adopted the attachment theory of parenting. With the exception of 1 time when she was 2 weeks old she has never been left to cry out alone (the one time was horrible for all of us, I researched and found comfort and validation in the theory).
Anyway, lately I have been getting a lot of comments from family and even strangers (I wear her constantly in public) that I am spoiling her. Even my ped said something when I walked in wearing my Moby! She is breastfed and sleeps in the Arm's Reach (will not bed share, I have tried many a night) so she is very attached to me. My family is concerned because they think I should start giving her a bottle once a day so she can be baby sat, but she really does not like the bottle and will not even think about drinking defrosted milk!
My daughter hates swings, car seat, stroller basically anything that separates her from human contact. I have just accepted this as her being her, but have I created it and if so, is it a negative thing?
Thanks in advance.

[stik]

You can't spoil a 15-week-old baby. Some babies react more strongly to car seats, swings, and bottles than others. If you're happy with your parenting, other people will just have to put up with it.

[Encinalien]

Tell your well meaning family that they had their turn to raise their kids now it's your turn to be the mamma and make the decisions. And that they should respect you and support you for making your own decisions that are the best for your family.

[NiteNicole]

I think you won't ever look back and say darn, I just wish I had held my baby LESS.

She's fifteen weeks old. You're doing the right things.

[Violet2]

No you haven't created her dislike of the swing and you aren't spoiling her. She needs you right now and this stage will not last. It goes soooooo fast. Hold her as much as you can because she will never be this little again.

As for disliking the swing etc... that may change as she gets older. And it is okay for her to be in the swing for a few minutes so you can eat/pee even if she is a bit fussy about it. Don't neglect yourself either.

V

[isabchi]

You are not spoil her!..She's a baby. Babies need to be carried and secure from their mother. When my first child was little I hear a lot of comment like that. Now she is almost and noboby can say she's spoiled. She's very independed and very secure girl

[KJoy]

No, mama, you're not spoiling her. You're loving her and meeting her needs. All she needs now is to be close to you, and to learn about her new world from your safe and secure arms. Trust your instincts and tune out any advice that goes against your gut feelings- that from family and pediatricians included!

[dahlialia]

My 1st DD and my new DD (3 1/2 months now) have both been parented pretty much the same way. My 1st DD was like yours - hated anything that separated her from us. my new DD however loves the stroller, loves the bouncy chair, the exersaucer, the jolly jumper, and most of the time, even the car seat. Though she does draw the line at a bottle, too!

If you hadn't been AP-ing, your DD would not need that contact any less. She would be much less happy though.

[boysmom2]

Not a chance! When people comment, just smile and nod and keep cuddling that sweet babe. And remember there is no parenting class in med school.

For what it's worth, I have done just what you're doing with my kiddos. The older 2 are 5 and nearly 8 yo. They are perfectly normal, independent little guys. My lo is only 6mo, so he's asleep on my lap right now. These tiny baby days go by so fast, just enjoy it and don't worry!

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by dahlialia

My 1st DD and my new DD (3 1/2 months now) have both been parented pretty much the same way. My 1st DD was like yours - hated anything that separated her from us. my new DD however loves the stroller, loves the bouncy chair, the exersaucer, the jolly jumper, and most of the time, even the car seat. Though she does draw the line at a bottle, too!

If you hadn't been AP-ing, your DD would not need that contact any less. She would be much less happy though.

This, exactly - but mine were flip flopped - my first baby would have been "fine" with a non-AP babyhood as he loved baby contraptions, being on the floor on his own, slept in a bassinett and then crib for a while on his own, would go to anyone who wanted to hold him and charm them like anything, etc. etc. He was a very easygoing, very extroverted little guy, even as a baby. I still AP-ished him, but also responded to his nature, which was to not always be close to me. He had maybe 6 bottles when he was around 6 months old, I was always available to feed him so there was no need - many other ways for other people to bond with him the first 4 months (yeah, we started solids earlier than we should have with him, rookie mistake), and then after that they were able to feed him other foods.

Then......we had DD. Hated contraptions, wouldn't let anyone but me hold her for the first few months without getting hysterical, didn't want to be put down anywhere, had severe separation anxiety. My only salvation was that she slept relatively well once asleep so I got some time to decompress at night while she slept. She was in a carrier for hours and hours a day through her first year - Sometimes she'd be out of it only a couple waking hours a day. She just really needed to be close to me. Now? She's almost 3-1/2 and despite being just about literally attached to my hip for probably 80+% of her waking hours for her first year, she is a secure, independent litlte girl who loves going to preschool and the church nursery.

You're not creating anything, you're responding to her needs - and at 15 weeks, they are NEEDS. And even if you *were* creating anything, it would be a close bond and emotional connection....which is bad, how?

IF, by some chance, you find that your daughter is overly attached to you when she is older (and I'm talking into toddlerhood here), there are many, many opportunities to gently help her gain independence when she is actually able to do more things for herself and actually able to talk with you about it.

You just keep doing what feels right for you and your baby, and don't worry about what anyone else is telling you she "needs" to do in the first year of her life earthside.

[_betsy_]

Food spoils, not babies.

My SIL would make comments about me "creating a monster" or some such nonsense when she saw me holding DD1, or nursing her or heaven forbid wearing her. But DD1 is 3 now, and she's very independent. She's rarely whiny (at least when we're out and about, she can be very whiny at home!) and often we get to a family gathering and DD1 couldn't care less if she didn't see me for hours. She's very independent now, because I let her be very dependent and attached when she was tiny. She's still very dependent and attached, just in different, less visible ways now.

SIL has a very different style of parenting, and her kids, though older than my DD1, tend to be quite dependent on her. I think her goals of creating independence from a young age backfired.

Anyways, my thought is that I am FOSTERING my children's independence, not forcing it.

[Phridae]

Your fruit can spoil, but not your baby.
Babies just know where they're comfortable and loved, nothing wrong with that.

Just remind they nay-sayers that this is your baby, and you'll parent her how you see fit.

[liliaceae]

Welcome to MDC! This board is such a great resource, I'm glad you found us here!

You're definitely not spoiling your baby, you're simply meeting her needs. Just listen to your baby and your instincts mama, and find a new pediatrician!

[candelaria80]

Thank you everyone! I feel really good that I have found a group of like-minded mommys with so much experience. It is difficult to talk to other mothers that don't practice attachment parenting without, unintentionally, putting down their decsion not to.
So thank you thank you.

[Blueone]

Nope, not spoiling at all! My son still doesn't tolerate strollers for very long at 4 months, but does a bit better. He also does better with laying on the floor or sitting in other baby contraptions, but overall he still prefers being held. When he was younger he hated being held by people he didn't know and had to have me around.

[BrittneyMarie]

my 12 week old spends maybe an hour a day out of our arms. shes a very clingy baby and i dont mind a bit, nor am i a bit worried about 'spoiling' her.

[onyxravnos]

i didn't even bother to read the other comments.
the anser is:

no no no no no no no no no you are NOT spoiling her. she is a baby. if she was left on her own she wouldn't survive, we are dependent on our parents for Everything for several years and this is how it we were made to be.

Get another ped ASAP someone more AP friendly and if anyone questions you are following your ped's ( Dr Sears) advice .

[boysmom2]

You know, I thought of something else too. Recently, my oldest (almost 8yo) was going to sleep over at a friends house for the first time. He was really excited, but then about 10pm he called wanting to come home. Of course we picked him up. I'm sure he'll want to try again soon and eventually he'll succeed and have a blast sleeping over.

But, what if when he called homesick late at night I just said, "no. I could very easily come get you, but that would be spoiling you, so just tough it out. Cry if you need to, but it won't do any good. I'll see you in the morning!" That would be ridiculous, right? Ignoring his call for help is not going to force him to become independent before he's ready and in fact would probably make him LESS likely to want to go to another sleep over since he would know that he couldn't count on me if he needed me.

Just because my 6mo can't say the words, "mom, I'm scared and I need you" doesn't mean that he needs me any less. And, he needs me even more because he can't explain his needs. He is so little and helpless, if he can't count on me to help him learn about and survive the big scary world, who can he?

I don't know if any of this makes sense. It's late. Anyway, just keep doing what you're doing.

[ktmama]

Please keep in mind that your baby's pediatrician is a medical expert - great for diseases, vaccinations, and broken bones - but is NOT a child development, nutrition, behavior or sleep expert. You are the expert on your baby. Should you learn all you can about normal child development and health? Of course! Then keep your own council, mama.

[pixiekisses]

What all the others said. You can't spoil a baby. I also have a 15 week old, and she's constantly on us, we wear her all the time. Just like I've done with my other, wonderful kids.