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S/O When does the attachment stop? - Page 2

Poll Results: When does attachment end/kind of support?

 
  • 68% (112)
    Never-child can get any kind of help from me, financial,emotional,etc.
  • 0% (0)
    18-no more $ but I'll be there for emotional support
  • 0% (0)
    18-no more support of any kind, on your own kiddo!
  • 5% (9)
    19-23- no more $ but I'll be there for emotional support
  • 0% (0)
    19-23- no more support after that, on your own!
  • 9% (15)
    Whenever they finish college-no $, I'll be there for emotional support
  • 0% (1)
    whenever they finish college-no more support ,on their own
  • 1% (3)
    when they have their own family-only emotional support
  • 0% (0)
    when they have their own family-no support
  • 14% (24)
    Other
164 Total Votes  
post #21 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post
I think it's irresponsible for an adult to rely on any one other person in the way a young child relies on a parent. Adults need to have more than one person to call upon for help, and they have to be able to take care of things themselves if it comes to that. It just isn't the same thing as a child who is still under the care and supervision of a parent. I honestly don't understand how people can think otherwise. That doesn't mean there is no longer an attachment, or that there is not a lifelong bond, just that the parent is no longer ultimately responsible for an adult child's life, and adult children can't expect parents to drop everything for them in the way children can rely on that.
Taking your post literally, in that a grown person depending on their parents like, say, a 7 year old might, I totally agree with. But in a broader sense that encompasses not only my immediate family, but my close friends as well, I am most definitely a part of a social network that helps people out when they need it.

Do I rely on people for support? Sure. Can the relationship equate to a relationship between a mother and small child? Absolutely not. I am an independent adult, but at the same, I think there is tremendous merit to having a support system in place where there is a certain degree of unconditional love and support so you can call people up and say "I'm having a rotten day, could you come help me out?".

Will I always be able to drop everything to help my daughter? Probably not. But I don't see the harm in wanting to or trying my hardest when she calls upon me.
post #22 of 104
There was a very similar topic to this in TAO no long ago. Here's a link for those interested...

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...663&highlight=
post #23 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by North_Of_60 View Post
Taking your post literally, in that a grown person depending on their parents like, say, a 7 year old might, I totally agree with. But in a broader sense that encompasses not only my immediate family, but my close friends as well, I am most definitely a part of a social network that helps people out when they need it.

Do I rely on people for support? Sure. Can the relationship equate to a relationship between a mother and small child? Absolutely not. I am an independent adult, but at the same, I think there is tremendous merit to having a support system in place where there is a certain degree of unconditional love and support so you can call people up and say "I'm having a rotten day, could you come help me out?".

Will I always be able to drop everything to help my daughter? Probably not. But I don't see the harm in wanting to or trying my hardest when she calls upon me.
I bolded the part that I'm taking exception to on this thread. Some of the other posters are suggesting that a parent should always respond the same way you might with an upset 7yo. That if your child calls you up crying, no matter what the reason, if you are physically able to go to them you should.
post #24 of 104
Never-child can get any kind of help from me, financial,emotional,etc.
post #25 of 104
One thing that I think is important here is that how you raise your child(ren) will influence everyone's expectations around support.

I hope and expect that DS will know that he can call on us if he needs or wants our support, but I also hope that we do a good enough job that he doesn't truly need us too often.

I think that it starts to get sticky on the parental side when you have an otherwise capable adult child who is somehow non-functional without parental support.

I am grateful for family emotional and logistical support we have received in difficult circumstances. But we didn't need it and our parents clearly felt comfortable saying no when they needed to. I think that's a healthy situation.

For babies and young children, some sort of adult support is a must-have. For most adults, support is a really-really-nice-to-have (and, IMHO, something to which all families should strive), but if it becomes a must-have, that suggests a situation in which someone is not fully functioning as an adult. Fine for temporary situations, but not a good long term situation.
post #26 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by JL83 View Post
I bolded the part that I'm taking exception to on this thread. Some of the other posters are suggesting that a parent should always respond the same way you might with an upset 7yo. That if your child calls you up crying, no matter what the reason, if you are physically able to go to them you should.
I think the difference is that an adult calling a parent crying would presumably be doing it for a very different reason than a 7 year old. If an adult child called me crying because she skinned her knee and wanted me to come kiss it better and put a magic bandaid on it, I would be concerned about her mental health. If she called me crying because her husband cheated on her, I'd think it was normal and I would try to figure out what she needed from me in the way of support - be that just a kind ear to listen, money to move out, help making a plan, help deciding if she wanted to try to work it out, someone to come watch the kids while she grieved over her marriage, someone one to hug her, etc.
post #27 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by JL83 View Post
That if your child calls you up crying, no matter what the reason, if you are physically able to go to them you should.
This is where I'm getting stuck. It's sounds as if you're saying that offering support to someone who is crying (which for an adult usually goes a lot deeper than a broken toy or someone not sharing with you) is akin to coddling a 7 year old. It's not. Emotional support is so important, and to say someone is just crying is really dismissive of their emotional state. I don't understand why a terrible flu or a broken leg is more worthy of support than "crying".

I've helped friends a family before who were emotional basket cases. I can't imagine not helping them. And I don't equate taking someone's emotional state to a parent-child relationship. Everyone cries. Everyone gets upset. Why is it that adults shouldn't be loved and supported through that? And if they are, why is it down played or compared to childish, immature, co-dependent behavior?

Support is support is support. For us it doesn't really matter if the person is crying from marriage troubles, collection calls, or just got into a car wreck, or their mother died. When someone calls me up, upset, and begging my help, I do what I can to help! It would really never dawn on me to scrutinize someone's need for my support and use that as a determining factor for whether or no I'll oblige. This may be due in part to the relationships I have with anyone who would be calling me up for help, my first reaction would be to attend and work through the issues first, and if needed analyze my reaction later, like in the case of being taken advantage of. Again though, that's unlikely in my circle of friends. But if it happened, I wouldn't use someone's emotional distress as a teaching opportunity. But again, I recognize that this is probably due to the nature of my relationships. I think the waters get muddied when there are issues of taking people for granted, etc.
post #28 of 104
Never. My mom still buys things for me and is there for me emotionally, and I plan to do the same for my kids. If I somehow end up really wealthy when they're adults, I'd happily support them to the point that they wouldn't even have to work a paid job. Why wouldn't someone want to do that for their kids?
post #29 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by North_Of_60 View Post
This is where I'm getting stuck. It's sounds as if you're saying that offering support to someone who is crying (which for an adult usually goes a lot deeper than a broken toy or someone not sharing with you) is akin to coddling a 7 year old. It's not. Emotional support is so important, and to say someone is just crying is really dismissive of their emotional state. I don't understand why a terrible flu or a broken leg is more worthy of support than "crying".
No! I'm saying that the response to a crying person will change based on their age.

What's reasonable to do for a 7yo isn't reasonable to do for an adult.

I probably am dismissive of adults crying. It is such a breakdown of control.


Quote:
I've helped friends a family before who were emotional basket cases. I can't imagine not helping them. And I don't equate taking someone's emotional state to a parent-child relationship. Everyone cries. Everyone gets upset. Why is it that adults shouldn't be loved and supported through that? And if they are, why is it down played or compared to childish, immature, co-dependent behavior?
They should be loved and supported. I have never argued against that.

What I think is ridiculous is the expectation that another adult should have to drop everything they are doing to give that love and support immediately. Apparently, waiting until the next day isn't good enough. Talking on the phone isn't good enough. Does that mean that parents should never move to a different city? If a child moves, should the parents follow?

I also think that adults should have additional sources of support. Children don't have that luxury, but adults do.
post #30 of 104
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by JL83 View Post
No! I'm saying that the response to a crying person will change based on their age.

What's reasonable to do for a 7yo isn't reasonable to do for an adult.

I probably am dismissive of adults crying. It is such a breakdown of control.




They should be loved and supported. I have never argued against that.

What I think is ridiculous is the expectation that another adult should have to drop everything they are doing to give that love and support immediately. Apparently, waiting until the next day isn't good enough. Talking on the phone isn't good enough. Does that mean that parents should never move to a different city? If a child moves, should the parents follow?

I also think that adults should have additional sources of support. Children don't have that luxury, but adults do.
To the blue part- Wowza! I'm all for a good cleansing cry, it's cathartic. I can't imagine thinking of it as a breakdown in control. We're human, humans cry, even adults. I even bawl at HAPPY things.

To the red part- I agree! I don't think anyone here said that parents should be the only source of support.
post #31 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by Latte Mama View Post
To the blue part- Wowza! I'm all for a good cleansing cry, it's cathartic. I can't imagine thinking of it as a breakdown in control. We're human, humans cry, even adults. I even bawl at HAPPY things.

To the red part- I agree! I don't think anyone here said that parents should be the only source of support.
I should have clarified that.

I have no problem with a good cleansing cry done at a good time. But I think that adults should have the level of control to keep it together until they have support in place.
post #32 of 104
Other.

This depends on so many factors that there's no possible way I could answer it. Six years ago, dh and I moved into my mom's place, partly due to the fact that our landlord (who lived upstairs) was nuts...but largely because it was a way that we, with our limited income, could help my mom with her mortgage and other expenses while she was in a financial bad spot. About a year and a half later, we lived there on charity, as my maternity leave for dd1 had run out, and dh's legal residency hadn't been sorted out so that he could work. We took over the cooking and most of the shopping, and mom let us live there rent free. Give and take, yk? We started out helping her out, and she ended up helping us out. Prior to that, she'd also loaned me the money for a lawyer, when my ex turned up in jail and I needed to get him served quickly with divorce papers (he wasn only in jail for a couple of months, and had no fixed address, otherwise).

When my uncle died, I sat beside her at the funeral, and held her hand and passed her tissues, and let her cry talk about him. That's something I think anyone could/should do for a family member who is hurting. When I was in labour with Aaron, she came to the house to hold my hand and see how I was doing. When he died, she took me to the funeral home to arrange his cremation, and she took me to ds1's school (4 days after the stillbirth) to talk to his school counselor, so they knew what was going on. She helped us shop. Those are all things I'd expect a parent to do, and I'd certainly do them for any child of mine in a crisis.

It's not that I think this stuff is part of my "job" or part of my mother's "job". It's that parent/child is an attached relationship, imo. While the childrearing aspect eventually goes away, the attachment doesn't. And...I once went and picked up a friend who called me in tears in the wee small hours, because her boyfriend had been verbally and emotionally and borderline physically abusive that evening and left her at home alone in tears. She was my friend, which is/was also an attached relationship, if a less intense one. My bff drove here from Colorado late in my pregnancy with Aaron, because she knew I was overwhelmed and wanted to help. We have an attached relationship, too.

I want my kids to be as self-sufficient as they can be, but I can't imagine ever refusing to help to the best of my ability in a crisis, no matter what the nature of that crisis may be. But, you know....I'd help either of my parents to the best of my ability in a crisis, too. Why wouldn't I?
post #33 of 104
Now that I've read the rest of the thread (only skimmed a couple posts, but read them all), I do have one other comment.

It would be nice for everyone to have other support. It's not always feasible. One case where it's often not feasible is in the breakup of a marriage. When my ex and I split up, we'd been together for 15 years. With one exception, my friends were his friends, too. The few old friends that weren't friends to both of us weren't closely involved with my life. When our marriage started to really fall apart, I had nobody to turn to, except one friend, who was going through a major crisis of her own, and my mom. That's all there was. It's great to say that adults "should" have other support, but that doesn't mean they have that. Plus, in an abusive relationship, the abusive partner has often spent a lot of time and effort in damaging or destroying the other person's emotional connections to other people. When the person on the receiving end finally realizes how abusive the partner is, and how isolated they are, they have nowhere to go.

When my first marriage came crashing down around my ears, I'd have loved to have a support network. I had my mom (and a few online friends - the closest of whom was about 1500 miles away) - that was it. I'm glad she was willing to help. I'm also glad she realized that if I was on the phone, both crying and asking for help (a place to stay to clear my head, if anyone cares), I was in bad shape. And, yeah - my "control" broke down. People can be as impatient with that as they want, but everyone has their breaking point, and I tried to function way beyond mine.
post #34 of 104
I would like to think that I will always be attached to my children but I can not say I will always support them. There will be times I will say no to them, the same as I do now while they are children. If there is an emergancy I hope I will be able to go to them, but I also hope they will have others around them who will also help. I might not be physically close to them so be unable to be there other than for offering words of comfort.
post #35 of 104
A mother never stops being attached to her children. Over the years, the nature of this relationship will naturally undergo changes, rewriting the definition and expression of this attachment. But, barring dysfunctionality, attachment is a natural part of the mother-child bond. It is part of what makes us human, an extension of the deeply social nature of our being. To detach, is an artificial construct.
post #36 of 104
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
It's great to say that adults "should" have other support, but that doesn't mean they have that. Plus, in an abusive relationship, the abusive partner has often spent a lot of time and effort in damaging or destroying the other person's emotional connections to other people. When the person on the receiving end finally realizes how abusive the partner is, and how isolated they are, they have nowhere to go.

.
Great point. With my alcoholic ex, he really did isolate me from my friends however they were right there for me when I left him. I know I'm lucky and also that his destructive process wasn't completed. Many times, addicts and abusers do completely sever all ties between their spouse and sources of support. When it comes down to it, you'd hope one could go to their parent.
post #37 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by JL83 View Post
I should have clarified that.

I have no problem with a good cleansing cry done at a good time. But I think that adults should have the level of control to keep it together until they have support in place.
And not everyone can do that. So?
post #38 of 104
I had to vote other because it REALLY depends on the situation. Well, for one, DS is special needs, so he may always need our support, financially and otherwise. Assuming I have other (neurotypical) kids though, it just depends. Lets say a DC is making stupid decision after stupid decision and can't even pay rent. I would totally help them put themselves on a budget and support them that way. I would be doing no good by just handing them money though. But lets say DC has a car accident and can't get to work. I would gladly help out then. Sometimes shit just happens and that's what family is for, kwim?
post #39 of 104
i will always be there for my child and for my grandchildren. I am not the sort of person who feels the need to teach someone a lesson, or help them stand on their own to feet. granted there are some things I would not be able to help my children do (enable an addiction, abuse or truely bad choices) but if my kids lost their job and were hungry I would buy them food. if they needed a place to stay they could come stay with me until whatever propblem they have is worked out (I very likely may be moving in my x-mil soon if my house sells. hows that for humility)

I hope that my children have leave my home with the skills and confidence they need to make a good go of it. I hope they are not whiners that come running back to me for evry little discomfort. but I also hope they feel perfectly free to ask me for help when they need it.

I would hope my kids first resource is family. My family sucks and I can count on them to be there for me when I need it. I can't imagine feeling any kind of closeness to someone who would turn me away and tell me it is time to stand on my own two feet because I am however many years old.

my kids will never have to feel bad for coming to me. they are my kids. it is my privledge to help them out if they need it. I hope I have raised them well enough to not abuse that.

and I would hope if my kids needed someone I would be their first safe place. (well their spouse of course is probably their first stop for support unless their spouse is the problem...) Sure we should all have mutiple sources of support, thats great, the more the better, but that doesn't change the fact that there is just noone else like your mom. And I hope that my kids will always know there is nothing they can do that will make me love them less or not be there for them or consider them a burden.
post #40 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post
I think it's irresponsible for an adult to rely on any one other person in the way a young child relies on a parent.
Agreed. I feel that part of my job as a parent is to help my children grew into adults who can take care of themselves.

<<Never-child can get any kind of help from me, financial,emotional,etc.>>

I think this is the definition of an enabler.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hillymum View Post
There will be times I will say no to them, the same as I do now while they are children.
On one hand, I will always be there for my children, but at the same time, there are times now when they *think* they need but I know they that they really don't, so I let them handle things on their own. I tell them I have confidence in them. I let them find their own strength. I believe in them.

Doing more for a child (or adult) than they really need done for them is no more helpful than doing less than they need. My kids are 11 and 13 and I believe that how I help them find their strength now will help lessen how much they depend on me as adults. They aren't babies any more. I'm helping them become the strong women they are capable of being.
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