Conflicted...

[bandgeek]

*I'm putting this here because it isn't specifically about unschooling and I'd like balanced input *

So when DS was little, I was completely intrigued with unschooling and thought I'd like to take that approach if we homeschooled. Well, things turned out a little differently and I left my husband over a year ago. With both of our lives kind of rocky, I got nervous, thinking we may actually need or want to send him to school eventually....so I started "officially" homeschooling him. Here, it is expected that a child will have 2 years of preschool before going into K. We skipped preschool and I wouldn't want him to be behind if I did have to send him to school. So however "official" that is.

So we've been doing a little of everything. We're still pretty relaxed. I don't push too hard and we don't use a curriculum. I try to stick to his interests or at least plan lessons around his interests.

Certain things though, like reading, he's doing everything he can to get out of it. He WANTS to learn to read. He tells me this all the time. And he's ready to learn. He's picking up on it well. A year ago I tried basic phonics with him and he didn't get it at ALL, so I backed off. But about a month ago, he started telling me what words start with and asked me how to spell stuff. I tried again and he "gets" it. He gets it, but he has to work at it. It doesn't come as easily to him as other subjects. Which I *think* is why he's resistant. But only a month into phonics lessons, he can sound out 3 letter short vowel words with little help.

I was talking to his dad on the phone yesterday about all of this and asked him to PLEASE work with him. Even just 5 minutes a day. He has him 4 days a week, I have him 3, so it's important that he be involved with the homeschooling too. He's on board with homeschooling totally, but he's not interested in actually doing the teaching I think. Oh, he'll help DS if he has question or whatever, but he doesn't reinforce anything we do.

So I asked him to please work on it with him. He said that he thinks DS learns best when we just leave him alone. Of course, I got defensive because I WANTED to unschool, but now I'm paranoid about him falling behind if we have to school him. I told him that I was worried. But if he's actually committed to homeschooling/unschooling, maybe I shouldn't worry so much?

Can unschooling work when the child is shuttled between 3 homes (mine, dad's, g-ma/babysitter) regularly? We struggle enough with 3 sets of rules and parenting styles.

Or would structure work best in this situation?

Can I successfully homeschool having him only 3 days week (sometimes less because of DD's rocky health)? Assuming they don't step up to the plate that is and help me out.

He'd be going into K in the fall and the older he gets the more I worry!

[blessedmum]

He is sooo young. If he is 4.5 and can read 3 letter words-I think that he is way ahead of the game. I am just starting reading with my almost 7yr old son. If you are still worried and you are definitely going to put him in school I would talk to the K teacher to see what the pre-requisite skills are. That way you don't have to guess if he is on target- you will know. A lot of times the two years of pre-school are just for learning to follow directions, colors, shapes numbers, and letters. Do you have any friends in the system? What are their kids doing? As far as only having the three days a week-that can be to your advantage because he doesn't have to get burnt out on reading or have 3 different people teaching him three different ways.
Take a deep breath enjoy the time that you have with him while he is young and Everything will be fine. It sounds like he has 3 caring parents/grandparents.
Blessings

[lach]

I am very much not a fan of unschooling, but I think there's no need to expect a 4.5 year old to know how to read. I know that there's a lot of talk about how academic kindergartens are these days and all that, but no kindergarten expects kids to know how to read going in. Many kids do, but when I was a kid that was true and when my mother was a kid that was true. It's definitely not expected these days, I promise you.

There are things that kids learn in preschool that are worth learning at home, but the most important ones aren't academic: kids should know how to ask to use the bathroom, how to wipe themselves (if this seems self-evident, trust me it's apparently not), how to be able to listen to a story, how to sit in a circle. If you (or Grandma, if that's who watches him during the day) takes him to library story hour once a week, he'll learn skills for kindergarten that are much more important than learning to read.

Academic skills that kids should know are recognizing letters, numbers, colors, and shapes. He should know simple directional instructions (above, below, behind, next to). It will be helpful if you can start guiding how he holds a pencil/crayon: it has to do with hand strength and muscle tone, so kids are ready at different ages and if your child isn't then don't push it.

[sahmmie]

Don't worry!!! He's way ahead of most kids his age. My middle child didn't even know the alphabet at age 5 (much to my horror) but she is now reading at a second grade level (she just turned 6). When children are developmentally ready the learning comes quickly. My 4 yr old has no interest in learning letters or letter sounds and I'm not concerned because I know he'll pick up quickly when he matures a little more.

[seashells]

My 4.25 year old is definitely not reading. She's still learning her letters, and I've been showing her how phonics works, and also getting her to recognize a word repeated throughout a book (she will, but would have to be reminded of the word again if she saw it again - and wouldn't recognize it out of context).

She was in preschool until we yanked her out in October, and they weren't even working on reading, just letters and phonics. There was zero concern about her reading ability or lack thereof.

I've heard that kids are kind of all over the place with reading and writing and such, with some starting at 2 (I did, according to my mom) and others at 6 or 7 - but, as I've heard, around age 7 most kids seem to suddenly get on the same level. Obviously even then there are kids "behind" and "ahead" but most are at a certain "norm." It's no coincidence, then, that age 7 is the age in Europe that kids start school. It also used to be the age kids start school in the US but due to two working parent families and the need for daycare, that has changed. A lot.

I was really surprised/shocked to read that in your state, 2 years of preschool is required. I thought preschool was not required anywhere in the US, much less 2 years. I think it's really sad that some places are requiring school for 3 year olds

[Geerbabe]

I'm not sure where you live, but I second the suggestion of talking to a local kindergarten teacher. In Canada it varies from province to province what is expected at the kindergarten level. In most of Canada at the END of kindergarten kids are expected to be able to write their name, but I have heard that in Ontario there is much more of a push towards early reading.

Having said that, I think it's best if you avoid pushing early reading if at all possible. A wonderful article on mental readiness for reading was recently posted and I'll link to it here.

Best of luck.

[meetoo]

Children here are expected to be emergent readers by the END of kindergarten. Reading simple sentences with many sight words and lots of picture clues. DO NOT WORRY IF YOUR 4.5 yr old is not reading!!!!!! Really don't worry! I think you could defiantly homeschool kindy and first grade at a 3 day a week schedule , only having him read out loud to his other caregivers once a day.

[bandgeek]

I don't know how the schools are in my area and don't have any friends with K students. I remember being expected to know a LOT by K and it makes me nervous. And that was 20 years ago! I know they expect more of kids now.

I'm not so worried about him knowing how to read though. I realize he's doing well. I'm worried about him sitting still for 10 minutes, following directions, not whining when he's asked to do something, ect. He's never been in a situation where he's had to really cooperate in a group and I want him to learn what it means to do lessons in school. I'm a bit of a lax parent. I pretty much let him do his own thing as long as he's not hurting anyone. And it's not a problem at home because that's what I choose, but in a school setting...yikes! I think asking him to sit for 10 minutes while I teach him is a good introductory. Surely K students are expected to sit longer than 10 minutes right?

[Lillian J]

You say you might need to put him in school "eventually" - do you mean within this next year? But regardless, it's absolutely not expected that a child that young should already be able to read already, and lots of them are simply not ready or able. A child can quite easily see/learn how to operate in a group and in a classroom, when the time comes, just by being in one - he doesn't need to practice up. And many are simply not developmentally ready at his age - mine certainly wasn't even close to being able to do the things you worry about your son not being ready to do. Might you be projecting other anxieties onto this one issue - because it sounds as if there's a lot going on right now all around...

As for unschooling, there's no reason why it can't work in a shared custody situation - especially since his dad is so committed to homeschooling. Everyone would need to be supportive and conscious about providing stimulation and support, but there doesn't seem to be any reason why that can't happen. There's nothing wrong with structure - but structure doesn't need to mean set plans or lessons. Structure can have to do with a rhythm of providing certain categories of activities at certain times - such as making the time to regularly read wonderful books to him at certain times, regular times for setting up various construction activities or whatever he's drawn to, a time for games, a time for being out in nature, or even times for fun and creative activities that involve some simple writing or whatever, etc. Unschooling won't mean just doing nothing and waiting for things to magically happen - the fact that his dad doesn't want to "teach" him is not a problem - impressive learning can happen in lots and lots of ways that don't involve teaching or lessons.

Here's a good thread about resources for learning about unschooling, and here's an enlightening one on misconceptions about unschooling.

Best of luck in working it all out. Lillian

[Lillian J]

Another thought - since part of your question is whether unschooling can work under the circumstances, you might want to also post the question in the Unschooling subforum - you're more likely to get input there on that question. Lillian

[bandgeek]

Originally Posted by Lillian J

You say you might need to put him in school "eventually" - do you mean within this next year?

Possibly. The only school in this area I would consider is a charter school that is kind of selective about who they take (not with unreasonable standards, but more than the public schools, which I think they just have to be potty trained). My DS would easily test in, but would he cooperate in order to test in?

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by bandgeek

Possibly. The only school in this area I would consider is a charter school that is kind of selective about who they take (not with unreasonable standards, but more than the public schools, which I think they just have to be potty trained). My DS would easily test in, but would he cooperate in order to test in?

Well, do keep in mind that at his age, it often isn't a question of whether they're cooperating but whether they're able to keep it all together in their minds and bodies. He's awfully young. I think that he'll probably be much better at it if he isn't faced with anxiety about it - and maybe that school, if it's really a good one, even does their testing with that in mind. - Lillian