* Bitter Sushi Ladies ~ December * - Page 30

[Tear78]

hsmamato2, welcome! I feel your bitterness, and totally understand. and YYYM, I totally get how you're feeling too! Just a couple weeks ago I was walking with DH and kept saying I just HATE myself now. WTF have I become through this journey? That being said, I think I'm really, really enjoying this not trying, not avoiding thing this month. It's not the end of the world if I get pregnant before the surgery, but it's better I don't because the m/c rate would probably be higher. So now we can just relax and BD the way we're meant to, for FUN, and enjoy our time off. I slept 12 hours last night. I don't think I've slept that long, and that well, in MONTHS. Of course TTC is still on my mind, especially holding my 2 month old baby niece. She's wonderful, and so so cute, and I feel really nothing but joy holding her. It's amazing! The only moments of pain are when I see her mommy and daddy looking at her lovingly and then holding each other. I want that for us. It hurts. But I'm so SO SO relieved I love our niece. phew! So. Time to relax and watch Star Trek Voyager and snuggle. Happy holidays ladies!

ps - LZP, check in!!! How are you feeling?

[BelovedK]

Bumping. I started temping this morning, I need to go enter it. DH and I didn't get to BD last night I wanted to, but he was tired. I don't know why I am still even worrying about it. he does not want to TTC anymore We *are* very careless though, and it is not just me. I am feeling a bit down. I know it won't happen, if we really tried before and it didn't happen, then how could it possible happen by "accident" ??

I truly think there is something wrong with me Even though I don't know what my future is, I feel sad to think that I am broken and imperfect. I kniw that is not a good attitude. DH and I are having some issues related to BDing that I can't talk about to anyone and it feels bad I am used to being able to talk through things and I can't I guess it will all be okay, it usually is. I am usually an optimist. Wah

I am going to gear up to have a good day anyways.

How was everyone's holiday?? (who celebrates)

We had a nice time. Hosted X and his gf, it was delightful, she is so nice, and I used to have such a hard time with her because they got together soon after we separated. It feels good to be on good terms, so there are good things to celebrate, I don't know whty I am so sad. it just feels like even after everyone graduates, I am still here, have been for over a year. I have seen most people coma and go, yet I am still here.

OK, pity party over (sorry)

Everyone have a great day

[enigo]

Beloved Tear

I totally know what you mean about the broken thing. I think I would have given up by now if only I could stand to admit that I am broken. Half the time I am quizzing myself on why I want another child. Am I sure I do want another child or am I just trying to prove I am not defective? Sighhhh

[Lauren31]

Oh girls I am so sorry . Today I was reading a book about a woman struggling to get pregnant and all her thoughts-- well, it just brought back all that raw emotion where I feel broken and like I can do nothing right. I actually had to remind myself that I am pregnant! y:

I promise you there is a light at the end of the tunnel.... I had to tell myself the same thing for the 16 months when I hated myself and my inability to ovulate or get pregnant or do anything remotely "womanly" UGH. Don't think this way... it's NOT your fault. Love yourselves. God will give you children one way or another. I really believe this.

[Nanette56]

Originally Posted by hsmamato2

If I couldn't post on these boards,I might lose my mind- most people just can;t understand ....and just being able to 'speak' my thoughts is so helpful....
but just getting say "I feel bitter right now!!!" is such a good thing

I completely agree. DH is just NOW beginning to feel the full range of my bitterness, and is experiencing some of his own. I feel bad projecting, but it's so freakin' hard not to! AF hit HIM hard this time around, he was so sure we'd have this wonderful Christmas present, and then whammo. But I think he *gets* what I go through every month now. Still feel like I'm disappointing him, thought it's silly I know. Bitter.Bitter.Bitter. It really does feel good to say that doesn't it?!

Originally Posted by enigo

I feel you YYYM!

Anyhoo, I had all these very clear signs. (My chart is in my homepage) and instead of Oing, I just kept getting MORE EWCM, higher open cervix (can't even reach it now) and more signs of O. I thought I must have missed my +OPK, then today I did one and the damn thing almost burned my hand it was so immediately positive.
It was allllmost + last night about 8pm. So I'm hoping it's been + for 12 hours or so already. I'm hoping I just O today. I swear I'm done BD this go 'round.

I don't know if it's all the supplements, but I swear I have never had so much EWCM in my life. Something good better happen Last cycle I had very little, but had really been under a lot of stress.

Hooray for lots and lots of EWCM, and GREAT timing!!! that this will be a very PRODUCTIVE two week wait!!!

Originally Posted by Tear78

That being said, I think I'm really, really enjoying this not trying, not avoiding thing this month. It's not the end of the world if I get pregnant before the surgery, but it's better I don't because the m/c rate would probably be higher. So now we can just relax and BD the way we're meant to, for FUN, and enjoy our time off. I slept 12 hours last night.

I'm happy to hear that you're relaxing and having fun girlie! And that you got to spend some time with that beautiful little niece of yours. Did you schedule the surgery yet? What month will it be?

Originally Posted by BelovedK

it just feels like even after everyone graduates, I am still here, have been for over a year. I have seen most people coma and go, yet I am still here.

I'm sorry Beloved. I can't even bring myself to go to The One Thread anymore. Everytime I do there's a slew of BFP's after a month of TTC or whatever. I figure if I can't be over the moon for them, then what's the point in going there at all? I find I can only get truly happy for those that have been trying for a while. When it doesn't come easy, it seems like we appreciate it so much more, KWIM? Hang in there mama.

AFM- I got a baby shower invitation in the mail yesterday, for a Jan 24 baby shower. Went to church this afternoon, and when I came home, the cat had knocked it off the table, and the dog ate it. I couldn't read the RSVP name or number or anything. Think I should take that as a sign?! When she posted the pregnancy on FB, I asked her if she'd been trying for a while, she told me she and her husband just "decided" to have another one, and the first month they "tried" she got pregnant. Nice. She's a good mom, so happy for her, but don't know if I can bring myself to go The FIRST month of the year? Can't I catch a break with these stupid things??

[Nanette56]

Where is everyone?? Still recovering from the weekend?

[sunwillshine]

Eeek. I have a lot of catching up to do. I just couldn't bring myself to visit the TTC boards after AF's unwelcome arrival on Christmas Eve. I'm feeling a bit better now (thanks for the s everyone!) but also feeling more bitter than ever. I think I might be spending most of my time here and in QP, at least for this cycle. It's just too depressing anywhere else lately.

Originally Posted by enigo

I sure wish there was a way to confirm O right after it happened so you could go on with your life. Even better...a way to confirm sperm hit egg right after it happened.

AMEN. I am on board with this wonderful new technology you hope for. Maybe we can pilot test it.

Originally Posted by Lauren31

OPKs do NOT work work for me, I never in all my cycles got a positive. So frustrating. Do you have a donor lined up for next cycle???

Actually, OPKs work REALLY well for me, I just haven't used them the last couple cycles because I was trying to make TTC as stress-free as possible. Obviously eliminating them didn't work (and eliminated a fertility sign that would have been helpful to have on my chart to know I was indeed O'ing late... assuming it wasn't another cp). So, I'm going to go back to using the damn things this month. Grrrr.

Re: donor, yep. We have a donor lined up for every cycle, thank goodness. He is wonderful and tries to be as flexible as his schedule will allow (which is fairly flexible, he works part-time at a coffee shop and is a musician (principle trombone) the rest of the time (well, and is in a rock band), so he is really good about being available when I need him. We're tentatively scheduled for next Weds, Thurs, and Fri (but may push back the Friday insem if it looks like I'm going to O late again by that time). I really am usually like clockwork O'ing on CD 16 or 17, so hopefully last cycle was just a fluke!

Originally Posted by YummyYumYumMama

ugh. i hate this so much. i seriously, seriously hate it. i hate ovulating. i hate sex. i hate my period. this makes me hate my life every single phase of every month. just before O, just after O, during the 2ww, after AF is over... i feel like my body just never has clear signs of what it's doing and i feel like it's screwing with my head and turning me into a bad partner and a bad mom. maybe i should give up?

, mama. I know exactly where you're coming from, and I know how hard the constant hate can be. It certainly takes a freaking toll on a person's psyche. Hang in there; don't give up. We are all here for you, for what it's worth.

Originally Posted by enigo

I feel you YYYM! today I did one and the damn thing almost burned my hand it was so immediately positive.

Arrrrrgh! What's the update?? Did you O? Did you refuse to try to push any more BD? Thinking of you and hoping you caught the eggie...

BelovedK - don't you worry one bit about throwing pity parties. I'm in a constant pity party, right now. I get you about feeling broken.

Lauren31 - thank you for being our ray of hope... it really helps that you check in on us and try to pick us up and dust us off when we're down (which is feeling like pretty darn near constantly lately).

Originally Posted by Nanette56

AF hit HIM hard this time around, he was so sure we'd have this wonderful Christmas present, and then whammo. But I think he *gets* what I go through every month now. Still feel like I'm disappointing him, thought it's silly I know.

DP was in the same boat this time around. Especially with us being so hopeful and thinking AF was "late." She just couldn't understand why my period came, why this wasn't working. For the first time, I felt like she was really REALLY empathizing with how hard this has been on me.

AFM - Like I said... bitter to the bone right about now. Trying to keep a positive attitude, but it's hard. DP really did a good job of taking care of me when AF came last week, though. She surprised me on Christmas eve with a diamond journey pendant (I was FLOORED because we never do extravagant gifts; she sneakily put a $40 limit on gift-buying this year). She said "I think of the gorgeous diamond part as you, and the plain part as me... and we have different paths in life because we're individuals, but we always come back to one another." And that she got it for me because "I so deserve it because of all I'm going through to try to create the family we have always wanted."

Such a wonderful partner I have. I am so extremely lucky. I know it's just a material "thing" but the gift and her words made me feel like I did when we first started dating. I love that just when I feel we've slipped into a pattern, she manages to make things feel new again. I love that about her. In a small way, the silly present put a lot of things into perspective, and reminded me how blessed I am to have the life and the partner that I do, and reaffirmed why we want to expand our family so badly. We have so much love to give!

Okay, enough with the mushiness. I hope everyone is enjoying their holiday season, and gearing up for a very fertile 2010!

[Lauren31]

Lyndzies-- I am so glad you have a donor all set up! I am excited already to stalk you next cycle. I am sorry if this is too personal and you do not want to answer it, but is your partner open to getting pregnant as well? I knew of a couple who BOTH were pregnant at the same time (well about 1-2 months apart) but it was so adorable! Not sure if it was planned that way, but I am sure it was haha. Also, I have heard that sometimes the "turkey basting" is what is the problem, like the actual orgasm in you could be a LOT more easy to get pregnant, so don't beat yourself about this last cycle, it only takes one sperm...

[MaerynPearl]

hi ladies. not much here to update. 6dpo and no full blown morning sickness so its obviously not going to be like with DD. Wont be testing for 6 more days... but still not positive about it. Pretty sure it didn't happen (even though I had spotting a couple days ago, and I never have spotting... it could have just as easily been due to not being used to having sex so much!)

[sunwillshine]

Originally Posted by Lauren31

Lyndzies-- I am so glad you have a donor all set up! I am excited already to stalk you next cycle. I am sorry if this is too personal and you do not want to answer it, but is your partner open to getting pregnant as well? I knew of a couple who BOTH were pregnant at the same time (well about 1-2 months apart) but it was so adorable! Not sure if it was planned that way, but I am sure it was haha. Also, I have heard that sometimes the "turkey basting" is what is the problem, like the actual orgasm in you could be a LOT more easy to get pregnant, so don't beat yourself about this last cycle, it only takes one sperm...

It's not too personal. DP is not AT ALL interested in being pregnant, giving birth, or any of it. Luckily, I have always wanted to be pregnant and experience birth. So it's me = pregnant or adoption if we want to have a family. We're not opposed to the latter, but want to give this a good college try. That is cute about the couple who were pregnant together... although I think I'll need some non-pregnant person to be "taking care" of me. Lol.

Regarding at home ICI being the "problem," that's actually to the contrary of everything I've read/researched/heard. ICI, as long as it's well-timed, has the same statistical chance of "working" as well-timed intercourse does. So, we're in the same boat as every other couple having sex to get pregnant, with the exception that we only get 3 tries per month (which is still more than some hetero couples, depending on their unique situation (i.e., anejaculatory male partners, low/no libido, out-of-town, etc.)).

I'm excited for you to stalk me this cycle, too. Hopefully this one will be "it." (isn't that what we always hope?)

Originally Posted by MaerynPearl

hi ladies. not much here to update. 6dpo and no full blown morning sickness so its obviously not going to be like with DD. Wont be testing for 6 more days... but still not positive about it. Pretty sure it didn't happen (even though I had spotting a couple days ago, and I never have spotting... it could have just as easily been due to not being used to having sex so much!)

Here's hoping your intuition that "it didn't happen" is off.

[MaerynPearl]

Originally Posted by Lyndzies

Here's hoping your intuition that "it didn't happen" is off.

I dunno, seen my temps? they are REALLY low...

I mean Ive been sleeping in a really cold room with nowhere near the same amount of blankets... but my temp today was well below my coverline.

[Lauren31]

Originally Posted by Lyndzies

Regarding at home ICI being the "problem," that's actually to the contrary of everything I've read/researched/heard. ICI, as long as it's well-timed, has the same statistical chance of "working" as well-timed intercourse does. So, we're in the same boat as every other couple having sex to get pregnant, with the exception that we only get 3 tries per month (which is still more than some hetero couples, depending on their unique situation (i.e., anejaculatory male partners, low/no libido, out-of-town, etc.)).

hmmmm, that is quite interesting, and especially if you are able to insert it right after he is finished, I bet that helps. I am sure you know more then I do! I had to giggle when you said that you had more tries then hetero couples. That can be SO true. haha

[enigo]

Yes, I think I Oed. I posted thsi on the main board...

"Why oh why when it is down to the wire to figure out O-day do I end up getting lousy sleep?

I was awake most of the night last night due to DH's snoring. I don't know what time it was, but I finally went ahead and took my temp. I hadn't gotten out of bed, but had been awake for hours. It was 97.73. Probably high since I angrily resisted the urge to put a pillow over his face all night.

Then, since I thought I could go back to sleep I laid there for a couple more hours getting 97.03 the second time.

The temps change my O date by a day. It doesn't matter much. I just like to have all my obsession facts ready as I stumble into the tww.
To make it more annoying, I have gotten a flaming positive OPK for the last two days.

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/26ca58 "


It seems all secondary signs like CP and CM lead me to believe I Oed yesterday. It was a weird cycle with more EWCM than humanly possible (Eeew). I had it like 10 days or so just a tiny bit, but then by about cd 14 it was...just...um copious. yeah...copious.
Obviously I forced poor DH to BD one more time, because I wanted to be sure

[Jane]

Lynz - I think you had a chemical, unfortunately. Just my 2 cents.

It's gonna be Lynz and enigo and Mae's month. I'm in the cheering section only for a while out.

It was definitely bitter-inducing this christmas. If our first pregnancy had worked out, we'd have been showing off a 2-3 week old newborn at the family christmas. Instead, I was in the process of miscarrying again during christmas eve festivities. Niiiice. I want a damn baby.

[enigo]

Originally Posted by Apricot

It's gonna be Lynz and enigo and Mae's month. I'm in the cheering section only for a while out.

It was definitely bitter-inducing this christmas. If our first pregnancy had worked out, we'd have been showing off a 2-3 week old newborn at the family christmas. Instead, I was in the process of miscarrying again during christmas eve festivities. Niiiice. I want a damn baby.

Right?!
I had this weird conversation with a girl today who is also TTC. She is 10 yrs younger than I, but said her eggs were actually older than mine since she started AF when she was 8 (woah! I was 15). Ummm OK. Whatever..tell it to my old ass eggs.

I'm tired of this roller coaster. This time last year I was pregnant and oblivious to the fact that I was in for the year from hell. Christmas day was the only time I had morning sickness through the whole 12 wk long pregnancy. At the time, I thought I must be doing something right When I get pregnant again, I'll be a super duper mess...at least until I puke on my shoes and see a heartbeat.

If I made it this cycle, I'll have been pregnant 3 times this year.
I was just at my neighbor's and her sister came by with her adorable squishy 9 month old. I almost popped from the amount of cuteness that little bugger was packin'.

[BelovedK]

Apricot

enigo,

It's hard at this time of the year, or any time of the year, it's even harder when you are thinking about what would have been. I would have had a month and a half old baby on Xmas That was the first conception since we started TTC)

I just need to say though that I am so in with my husband I'm just overcome with it Feeling better thsn I did the other day (was that yesterday?)

[sunwillshine]

enigo - glad you O'ed (and got another BD in!)

BelovedK - I'm glad you're feeling better today!

Apricot - I'm sorry it was such a crappy holiday for you... Here's to a brighter 2010.

Speaking of which... anyone got any resolutions they want to share? I've had a lot of sh*t go down this year, and am really looking forward to 2010. Instead of making one resolution (that I probably won't stick to), I decided to use one of my favorite poems as a "life guide" in 2010. Do you all know the Desiderata? It was also one of my father's (who passed away this past April) favorites:

---------

Desiderata by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

----------

What are your resolutions - or positive changes you're planning to make in 2010 - if any?

[enigo]

Beautiful

Man I tell ya. Since I have been TTC for so long. I don't think I have many bad habits left.

Although I really am going to try to have a life outside of TTC. (what?)
I could stand to be less judgemental of others. (Is it my fault everyone's a fool? Damn...there I go again)

Try to find happiness in life more, I'm generally a negative person. Make sure to keep working out hard even when I am in the TWW.

Yeah I know I Oed, but I'm not sure if it was cd 17 or 18. This could actually kill me. Maybe Mae and everyone else could check it out? My temp for the 18th was either 97.03 or 97.73. I took it twice and was up all night. Argg. That temp changes the O date. (Of course I don't even have crosshairs yet, but tossing in anything over todays temp for tomorrow gives them to me, I'm nuts, I know) I still had loads of EWCM on the 18th. I think the BD (whew!) covers it either way, but obviously my obsession issue isn't letting me relax. I also had a very + OPK both days

[YummyYumYumMama]

hey all. real quick here cuz of phone, so 3 pts.

1. enigo, i say go with the later o date so you don't test early or anything. lyndzies, i have always loved that poem.

2. got crosshairs, woo!

3. anyone else wanna take the thread for jan, or shall i do it?

[hsmamato2]

hello fellow bitter ones! I went to my accu treatment today,and I think I scared the poor doc with my complete crash of mood,etc.
I got some extra points today,maybe she figures I needed extra this week
I always feel good on accu day- but going on vacay for 2 weeks,so won't get them then(also going to be the 'right' time too,WTH do we do sharing a hotel room with the kids?)
Also going to start some herbs, but of course I won't get ahold of them till I get back.
in addition,here's my STUPID story-STUPIDSTUPIDSTUPID!!!
I've been taking 3 mg melatonin for sleeping for over a year now. In my misery,I just now decided to research if this could be causing some infertility issues. turns out IT CAN!!!! WTHWTHWTH!?!?!?!