suggestions for middle of the road nighttime parenting

[FreshDidysOnLine]

We did everything AP with dd1 - co-slept until 18 months (and then moved her into a toddler bed in our room), breastfed on demand, wore her all the time, would nurse/walk/rock her to sleep, never CIO and never let her cry pretty much - always picked her up right away, etc. We have the biggest sleep issues with her now (at 2.5 yo) that I think are partly just her makeup and partly from our parenting decisions.

Now we have dd2, 3 months old and seem to be traveling down the same path. I am all for nursing on demand, but I'm not cool with a 3 month old needing to nurse every 1-2 hours all night. I know it is for comfort but I think that there is something to be said to teach your child how to comfort themselves to some degree and DD1 did a lot better once she learned, which wasn't until much much later (20 months or so). She also wants to sleep on me and suck on me when she naps/sleeps at night. I am just exhausted from taking care of 2 children and can't do it all over again the way I did with DD1. Especially during the day with DD1 needing attention as well - I just can't sit and hold dd2 all day long. Yes, I do have multiple baby slings and I do use them, but I physically cannot wear her all the time even when she's sleeping. I want her to learn to sleep on her own.

I do not want to do CIO, which is not my intentions of this post. I am looking for a way to teach her to self-soothe to some degree without CIO. I really do not want the struggles we went through (are going through) with DD1. Anyone have anything that worked for them?

PS Hoping this makes sense - I have dd2 sleeping on me while balancing the laptop and dd1 playing on me too!

[EmmysMama]

I just wanted to say yes it does make sense (to me at least!), I keep thinking if #2 is anything like DD as a tiny baby, I am going to lose my mind. DD is still so needy that I just don't know if I have it in me to be sleepless/totally AP/play the martyr all over again. I can't see it working. I already have no energy!

So no suggestions (since #2 isn't quite here yet) but I do get what you're saying. I don't want to even think about CIO but I already know I'm not going to be able to deal with hourly wakings, constant wearing, etc. It really messed with me the first time ... I was seriously depressed most of DD's first year.

[Carhootel]

I really got a lot out of Elizabeth Pantley's 'No Cry Sleep Solution'

I'll write more later - I'm nakking a sick lo

[LadyCatherine185]

Second suggestion for No Cry Sleep Solution.

That said, it is a lot of work that may/may not produce results. And the results are usually not seen quickly.

it sounds like you are going through a really rough time. I would focus more on trying to find ways to feel more rested and juggling two children rather than trying to make your baby sleep, because if baby is not ready they will not sleep. Even friends of mine who do CIO, who have bad sleepers, their babies still do not sleep.

Can your DH take over nighttime parenting with your older child for awhile? Can you nurse your DD2 laying down, so that you get optimal rest? Is your bed comfortable for you? Can you hire a mother's helper to come a couple days a week for an hour or two to help you out?

[mambera]

I feel like we are coming to a cosleeping crossroads as well - LO is six months old, doesn't really need to eat more than 1x/night max, and I know it will be much easier to get her out of the bed and into her own crib (next to our bed) now than later.

I just finished reading 'The 90-minute baby sleep Program' by Polly Moore and found it extremely helpful. It's mostly about how to work with your child's natural rhythms to help them fall asleep easily and get all the sleep they need; but they also have a great section on gentle ways to teach self-soothing.

The author seems like more of a TP than an AP type but her system can be tailored to all kinds of parenting, and she has several excellent no-cry suggestions for teaching babies to sleep by themselves.

[Lilly Milly]

I am with you on the middle of the road style. My LO is only 4 months, so take this FWIW. She is also my first, so I don't have that much experience, just these past 4 months...

We ended up doing a hybrid of AP and the Baby Whisperer's EASY routine (Eat, Activity, Sleep, Time for Yourself). Our baby basically insisted we do AP for the first 8 weeks, but started to gradually let me put her down for naps and play after that. I just kept trying over and over. If she cried I would wear her again and put her down again after she fell asleep (unless she was so tired that she needed a nap no matter what). I would try to put her in the crib for naps and if she cried I would wear her. If she was at the just-right moment she would fall alseep on her own (once every day or two at first but now every nap). I would also put her on the floor gym to play by herself, even if she only lasted a minute. If she cried, I would move her to being supported by the boppy or laying her on the changing table, laying in the crib, etc. Basically, switching activities to keep her from having to always be held. I still held her a lot early on, but she got better and better.

As for sleeping alone, we first established a bedtime around 7:30 (like the Baby Whisperer routine) and rocked, sang, bounced, etc. her to sleep. I would "dream feed" her at 8 and 10 and then go to bed. She was in a bassinet beside the bed. Other than that she was not on a schedule exactly, but more of a vague routine similar to the BW routine.

This weekend we made the switch to her crib for nighttime (crib for naps the last month or so tho) and she immediately slept through the night. Up to that point she was cosleeping after her first wake-up and would wake every 2-3 hours. I couldn't beleive that she adapted so easily and would never have guessed it based upon the experience up to that point.

So, what I am getting at is sometimes I think WE held her back. That she was able to sleep longer stretches and more independently we just hadn't given her enough of a chance. She adapted readily to a fairly firm bedtime and to her crib later without much fuss, even though signs pointed in the opposite direction.

I can see I've gotten long winded so I'll sum up: we never let her cry it out or even cry much at all, but we didn't just "give in" either. We kept patiently trying to get her more independent. A lot of the books seem like they say you just have to do this really difficult process for two weeks and then everything is perfect, but it happened for us over a much longer period of time...3 months was better than 2 months and now at 4 months I would call her an "easy" baby. I thought she was "very needy" at 1-2 months. I tried to think of it like she is developing the ability to be more independent and that maybe there were natural times where she was receptive to the next step.

I really do think a routine helps baby be "ready" to go down for a nap or bedtime even though most AP are againts it. I breastfed on demand, but tried to keep the rhythm of the day the same, especially naps and bedtime.

Good luck.

[JollyGG]

Originally Posted by Carhootel

I really got a lot out of Elizabeth Pantley's 'No Cry Sleep Solution'

ditto

[almadianna]

YOur child is three months old.

How do you know that it is for comfort? At that age their tummies cannot handle not eating for hours at a time.

I think that there is something to be said to teach your child how to comfort themselves to some degree

Yes there is but not at 3 months old or any time soon after that.

((hugs)) mama I know it can be hard but I believe that your expectations are a little off. I second the NCSS.

[Kiwiontheloose]

I think its really important as AP mama's to have some boundaries. We are not going to be good mama's to our babies if we are insanely tired and getting to that angry feeling about them.
I know I reached rock bottom when our girl was waking every 40min or so overnight for weeks on end, and I was often having thoughts of wanting to hurt her (horrible I know). At the time it was due to reflux, so there wasn't a thing that would change it, but once the reflux settled I had to draw some boundaries for her safety and my sanity.
Basically, I drew the line at physically carrying her for every nap, as being physically and emotionally exhausted was not a good combination for me.
So, for MOST naps, she had to fall asleep on a flat surface (usually her side-cared cot, or our bed) so I could walk away once she was asleep and have some me time, or roll away and have a comfortable nap.
It took a bit of very gentle "training" (i know thats a dirty word round here sometimes) to get her to do that though. My rule was " grizzling is ok, as long as I'm right there with her, soothing her" . The minute it turned into proper crying I would pick her up, rock her, walk, whatever it took til she calmed down, then it was back to the bed to start again. It took a few days but now basically we both lie down together for naps, and she goes to sleep, then once she's asleep I can walk away.
That was my boundary, and I make no apologies for my DD having to grizzle a little in order to acheive it.
She does have a pacifier though (introduced it to get thru a long car-ride to a funeral - she used to hate the car at 4weeks old, and she loved it so much I couldn't take it away!), I think that might help.