I Shouldn't Have Even Gone There. . . But I Did.

[calgal007]

WHere, you ask? Into my ds's desk in his classroom.

He threw a fit last night because he was missing a math paper that I clearly remembered tucking into his backpack a few days ago. We went into his classroom before school began this morning and I opened the desk.

What a rat hole of crumpled papers, graded papers, broken crayons, tin foil from a lunch (?) you name it. And there was a LOT of it!!!

If ds kept track of his things, I wouldn't care that his desk is a pigsty, but when he throws things at home and kicks the doors because of his own disorganization, it makes me and .

We had a : right there in the classroom. I know it's just one of those bumps in the pre-puberty road, but it steamed my clams pretty good.

[ekblad9]

I have that problem with ds1 and his room. I will neatly fold his laundry and place it on his bed for him to put away. The next morning when I tell him to get dressed he'll claim he doesn't have any clean pants. I go up to his room and they're crumpled under the sheets of his bed. It drives me crazy! I wish I had advice for you. I can only say that I relate.

[Irishmommy]

I have the desk AND room problem with my nine year old!! Her desk gets so bad that the other kids clean it out for her.

[kamalani]

My ds (13) "forgets" to do certain homework assignments and is then given F's. He carries a HUGE backpack loaded with everything from the usual school supplies to deoderant, Valentine candy, and assorted "treasures" he finds on the ground. His room, his desk, and his drawers are the same. I have let them go, but he doesn't seem to care. He just loses more things and complains that he doesn't have clean clothes since they're wadded up under the bed.

I don't have answers either, but I know that letting it go doesn't work. I sometimes offer to help him, and often say he can't go out or do anything until after his bed is made and all of his items are put away. I figure that if he has a neat room occasionally, he might learn to enjoy it, and make some effort to achieve that end on his own. I'm not sure, though.

[hvl25]

my 9yo Ds is the same way. Messy desk and messy room. Crumbled papers come home, if I even get them. I think its a phase and the age:

[journeymom]

I was exactly like this when I was in grade school. Though maybe in 5th grade I personally decided my desk was embarassingly messy (I think my friends and the teacher commented one too many times) and got it in order. It was neat and tidy to my definition, though probably not my mom's.

I know there are lots of books from child rearing experts that say you can change your child's messy ways. It's just a matter of consistantly expecting them to do it right, and helping and encouraging them. Well, that probably helps. But I am starting to think that what really counts with this issue is genetics. Either you are born with an organized personality or you aren't.

Calgal007, your ds may yet get organized on his own, if it's his idea. But it might not be his idea till he's 22. :

[YoursMine&Ours]

My 11 yo DS was the same way until...

we started watching Clean Sweep. I was constantly arguing with him about his room, his heaping pile of laundry, his grades, etc. He LOVES the show Clean Sweep because (so he says) all those people come and get two rooms cleaned out and organized in two days.

I made him a deal (and no..I didn't call clean sweep). With the help of my older step-children, we organized our own clean sweep. We brought everything from his upstairs bedroom and piled it on the front lawn. All his friends came by saying, "Man is all that from your room?"

I helped him sort through and toss things while DH assembled a closetmaid organizer system for his closet and set up the tupperware roll-out containers under his bed.

I have to say that he did realize how much junk he had and threw 90 percent of it away. It was fun, it was a bonding time, and he's done better in school, keeps his room clean and organized, now, and has a better mentality about life.

HTH,

Angela

[journeymom]

Angela, that is so cool! I wonder if my 9 y.o. would go for that? I'll have to look into Clean Sweep. I've never seen it.

[EnviroBecca]

I love the Clean Sweep idea!

My brother went thru a messy/disorganized phase that my parents mostly did not interfere with, aside from making the rule that he had to keep his bedroom door closed so the rest of us didn't have to see the mess! When he couldn't find things, they would refuse to help and let him face the consequence whatever it was. Must have taken nerves of steel! I remember the wailing when something was "lost"! (My parents didn't interfere if I wanted to help him, so sometimes I'd help dig thru the piles or say, "Close your eyes and picture where you last saw it. What was near it?") Mom explained that due to her back problems she could not risk tripping over his stuff, so she would not be able to put away his laundry anymore; she would stack it in front of the door, and as long as he took it in there somewhere that was acceptable. Since he loved vacuuming, it was possible to get him to clean in there every so often by moving the heaps around. :

The phase finally ended after about a year and a half, when he decided he wanted to rearrange his furniture and learned that his family would not help him until all the stuff was picked up off the floor and the furniture tops. One evening he was working on it when we heard an anguished yell: "There's CAT VOMIT on my carpet!" We did not respond. A moment later: "It's really old and dried up!" We did not respond. A moment later: "What am I supposed to DO?!" Dad yelled back: "Get a spoon and eat it!!" :LOL Shortly after, we found my brother in the living room consulting a book on stain removal. He was proud of removing the stain all by himself and told his friends the story as he showed off his rearranged and tidy room. He was about 9 at the time and has been relatively neat, clean, and organized ever since.

So it can work out...but sometimes the level of squalor necessary to inspire the turning over of a new leaf is higher than anyone else in the family can tolerate!!

Calgal, here's what I would do:
1. Don't tuck his papers into his backpack. That makes you responsible for their location. If you need a means of getting his stuff out of your way, have one general In Box and give him responsibility for getting things from there to where they need to go.
2. Don't help him look for his things at school. (You already know you don't want to do that!)
3. When he throws things and kicks doors because he's angry about losing stuff, don't even try to discuss his organizational habits at that time. Focus on listening to his feelings and stopping inappropriate behavior ("I hear that you are angry...but you may not kick the door.")
4. Wait until he's not in a crisis to suggest changes in habits.
5. Never, ever take it upon yourself to clean up his area without his participation! You will inevitably manage to throw away some useless-looking thing that is in fact his most precious possession : and you will never hear the end of it!!

The above has been extremely useful to me in coping with my partner, who still needs Gentle Discipline in this area as an adult!

[Amandzia]

I think that's great Calgal. I think whenever our kids are messing up with school stuff we should go down there. You don't have to make a fuss, just being there will embarass them into keeping organized, behaving and getting their work done.
Sometimes as parents we have to be unpopular with our kids. It's part of the job.

[YoursMine&Ours]

Originally posted by journeymom
Angela, that is so cool! I wonder if my 9 y.o. would go for that? I'll have to look into Clean Sweep. I've never seen it.

Well my nine year old followed shortly after that. We've all been in "clean sweep" mode around here, just can't take it all outside because it's still too cold.

That's ok, though..Spring is just around the corner!