Research/business trip and co-sleeping?

[annemoonstar]

Ok, here is my situation. My DS is 8 months old, EBF, and co-sleeps with us (part time on a futon next to our bed, part-time in bed with us). My work consists of a combo of teaching, research and clinical work (I'm a psychologist), and my job security is dependent on my ability to get and maintain contracts or grants, in addition to clinical revenue.

So I've been working some with a semi- big-wig in my field on a paper and a grant. About a week ago he asked me to attend a meeting on the other side of the country with him--next week! He acknowledged it was short notice--and he has a new grandbaby so was understanding when I told him it would probably be too hard for me to leave DS for two nights at this point.

However, he has now also invited me to attend another meeting in January and a conference in March. He specifically said something like "maybe by then you will be at a place where you could leave DS for a night or two."

UGH! No, I don't know that I can! DS has never gone to sleep at night for anyone but me, and he nurses frequently at night.

So what do I do? Do I not go on the trips? Or do I tell the big-wig I need to bring my son and a nanny along?? Or do I try to work on DH getting DS to sleep now and hope for the best for the nights I'm away?

The crazy part of all this is that I work in a field of child development, so you'd think it would be more family friendly. But my colleagues are way more "mainstream" than I am and would probably be shocked to hear that ds doesn't sstn independently or that dh doesn't sometimes put ds to bed. To be honest, the nighttime routine and parenting I think of as my special time with DS since I have to be at work most of the day (and DH WAH so he sees DS all day).

Any thoughts/advice from other working mamas??

[spedteacher30]

The first night anyone but me put my son to bed was when he was 15 months old and I went for a three night business trip--for the first three days of my brand new job. I was a nervous wreck--he still nursed to sleep and woke up at least once a night to nurse.

Prior to that, if I weren't there for bedtime, I was home by midnight, so someone would wear him to sleep or drive him in the car to sleep, or push him in the stroller for an evening walk, etc.

It was pretty horrible for my partner to deal with those three nights, but, they both got through, no worse for the wear.

Honestly, I would definitely attend the March meeting, and would plan on attending the January one. Your little one takes naps for Dad, right? he takes a bottle during the day, right? It is hard, but I truly do believe it is harder on the moms than it is on the kids.

[blizzard_babe]

My first night away from DS was for work. DS was 16 months old and stayed home with DH. They had a regular old boys' night... ate pizza, chased the dog around the house, stayed up late, then crashed together in the big bed. Apparently DS slept through the night for him, the little turd. Me, I slept on the floor of a classroom in Platinum, Alaska. I think they had a much better time than I did.

However, back when he was one, I had to travel for work and I took him and DH (DH was a SAHD at that point) with me, because that was for a week.

One night... two nights... that's OK with me at this point if it's for a good reason. Honestly, it's way harder on DH and me than on DS.

[DariusMom]

Originally Posted by spedteacher30

Honestly, I would definitely attend the March meeting, and would plan on attending the January one. Your little one takes naps for Dad, right? he takes a bottle during the day, right? It is hard, but I truly do believe it is harder on the moms than it is on the kids.

I agree.

[crazydiamond]

I'd plan on going on the trips in Jan and March. Kids are resilient and they are capable of more than they let on

My DS is a total boob-monster. Nurses 24/7 and has never slept alone. Someone has to lay down with him to go to sleep and then he'd wake up 5 times a night to nurse. As you can see, he's very high needs and needs his mama!

But, when he was 14 mos old I had to go on a business tirp across the country. I was gone for 5 nights. And guess what? He did great! He understood mama wasn't home and let dad put him to sleep. And for the first time ever, he slept all night long! He knew I wasn't there and didn't bother waking up to nurse. Between bottles of EBM and solids, he did great during the day. When I got home, he latched on and nursed like I was never gone. We settled into our usual routine within an hour of me being home.

And just to make sure it wasn't a fluke, I went on another trip when he was 17 mos. I was gone for 7 days. Again, he did wonderfully.

I also travelled quite a bit when DD was little, but the first time wasn't until she was 21 months or so. She did great also, though she wasn't nearly as needy as DS is.

Obviously I can't speak for all kids, but I do know that I'd never have believed DS could be left for a week and be totally happy. But he surprised us all!

[Rosehip]

I went on overnight trips starting the week after I returned from mat leave with my DD. I didn't love it (especially overnight pumping - ugh), but it was part of my job. She usually stayed with & co-slept with my mom, b/c my X worked odd hours, and didn't do nighttime parenting anyway. Eventually, I came to really like the occasional night away - kid free night in a hotel & an adult dinner? Yes please!

Oh, I didn't *prepare* DD in any particular way. Honestly, they'll work it out. I think the stress and expense of bringing a nanny are not worth it (plus traveling & time changes are tough on all involved at that age) unless it's a long trip. I brought my mom & babe when I had to be gone for 5 or 6 days one time.

I realize this may not be popular around here, so no flames please! DD did fine.

[annemoonstar]

Thank you all for your responses! I feel better knowing other mothers have worked this out.

My sister is actually our nanny and both meetings are within driving distance in the same time zone. So my inclination right now has been to take them with me and let them play in the hotel while I'm at the meetings. But I'm worried that a) I'm not giving ds, dh, and my sister enough credit that they could handle things without me and b) what types of reactions I might get from the big-wig and other colleagues for needing to take my ds with me when he is theoretically old enough to not need me all night! I feel bad for worrying about what others will think--I've had to work on that from day 1 given the parenting choices we've made--but in this case it might have some influence on my career...

[pixiekisses]

I'd bring the baby and nanny, if I was going, no doubt.

[~pi]

to pps who have suggested that your babe will almost certainly be fine and that you might enjoy a night of uninterrupted sleep! My first trip away I only had two days notice (I had to fill in for someone else) and DS (who was still nursing 1-2X at night at that point) was fine. I totally enjoyed the sleep.

That said, if you want to bring your sister and DS, I would totally do it. IME, bigwigs tend to respect people who have the strength of their convictions to do what works for them. (Says she who breastfed her sick 3 y.o. in a videoconference last week -- just tilted the camera up!) As long as you aren't asking them to cover costs for your sister and DS, it's none of their business whether they come or not.

[blizzard_babe]

Originally Posted by annemoonstar

Thank you all for your responses! I feel better knowing other mothers have worked this out.

My sister is actually our nanny and both meetings are within driving distance in the same time zone. So my inclination right now has been to take them with me and let them play in the hotel while I'm at the meetings. But I'm worried that a) I'm not giving ds, dh, and my sister enough credit that they could handle things without me and b) what types of reactions I might get from the big-wig and other colleagues for needing to take my ds with me when he is theoretically old enough to not need me all night! I feel bad for worrying about what others will think--I've had to work on that from day 1 given the parenting choices we've made--but in this case it might have some influence on my career...

Honestly... will they even notice? I've taken DS to conferences and such in the same way you're describing, and unless I said something, no one even knew he was along. If there isn't airfare involved, I'd totally take him with. I was thinking you'd be paying for an extra plane ticket.

If you're worried about what people would think, just say, "my sister and I thought we'd make a little mini-vacation out of it."

[Birdie B.]

I don't have personal experience with this issue, but my close friend (who works with my husband) does this all the time. Her job involves frequent travel for 1-5 nights at a time. She always brings her 1 yr. old son along, with either her sister or mom or aunt - whoever can come along. That way he can still nurse and co-sleep. I travel with them and give her a hand, too. It seems to work out just fine - baby gets to play in the hotel pool or whatever all day, then be with mom at night. And all the colleagues love having a baby around at dinners and breaks. She manages it really well, and still has plenty of time to get work done even with her son along.

Good luck!

[JessieBird]

I'd plan to bring your son and sister along, maybe even your DH. Make a fun trip out of it for them. If you plan it that way in advance, you can give yourself peace of mind but still cancel if by January or March you feel okay about going alone.

I have a similar situation - I have to travel to Yellowknife (FAR) for a meeting in late April. DS will be almost 18 months old by then. He eats solids now and could give or take nursing already so will definitely be fine to go without for a few days (I'll still pump to keep up supply) but I can't bear the thought of being without my two cuddle monsters at night so the plan is for DS and DH to come along. We'll add a day on either side of the meeting and we'll make an adventure out of it. Assuming we can get a good deal on DH's flight anyway...so far it's prohibitive but at least I've spoken to my boss and gotten the go ahead to have my babes with me.

[Carita]

if its all within driving distance - i agree take the nanny and the baby. ITA with what everyone is saying - its probably harder on us and he will be fine if you left him, but I like to hit that year mark at least before leaving for the night if I can. DH came with me to all conferences until DS was 2!

[EviesMom]

Originally Posted by blizzard_babe

If you're worried about what people would think, just say, "my sister and I thought we'd make a little mini-vacation out of it."