Long Term Separation -- Preserving Supply

[crunchybroccoli]

I have a 3 month old DD who is EBF. We practice AP (co-sleeping, night-nursing, babywearing) and, even though I have to go back to work full-time in January when she will be 4 1/2 mos, we have a care provider who will wear her and I have the flexibility to visit her and BF at least once a day (and I will pump for the other feedings).

However, in June I have an amazing opportunity to travel for work to England for four weeks. DD will be 9 1/2 mos. The opportunity is one that will likely ensure my family financial security for several years to come, as it will help me to be qualified for the best of the best jobs in my field. My DH has summers off and we originally figured we would travel abroad as a family. However, that was really a pipe dream -- my trip is essentially free if it is just me, but would be several thousand dollars if I brought DD and DH.

This isn't a question of whether I should do this. I feel I must, for the benefits it will provide our family. I am heartbroken over the possibility of being separated from my beautiful girl for 4 weeks, but my DH will be home to provide care and I am actually excited for him that he will get an opportunity to be her exclusive caregiver for that time -- what a lucky girl to have those special memories with her Dad. (He's wonderful with her, by the way, responsive in every way to her needs.)

My question, then, is about supply. I want to BF to at the very minimum two years. I have been blessed with a bit of an oversupply, so I am not worried about pumping enough for DH to use while I am gone. I am worried about maintaining my supply through a 4 week total separation, where I can't touch or sleep with my baby. (God, even the thought brings tears to my eyes.) We have Skype (video chat) and I will be able to chat with them and see them several hours every day. I'll bring pictures and invest in an awesome pump. Any other suggestions? Ideas? Advice?

EDIT: I am working as a visiting fellow at a library, and their accommodations on-site do not allow families. I have to provide my own travel costs.

[betsyj]

If this opportunity means financial security for years to come I would go into debt to bring dh and dd.

My supply dropped a bit just by being away from my son for eight hours a day. I am certainly no expert on how such a long separation would affect your supply but at the very least I would consider asking a lactaiton consultant before agreeing to such a trip.

[Linda on the move]

The longest break I had from nursing was only 3 days when my DD was 5 1/2 months old, so your situation is very different, but I wanted to share that you don't have to keep your supply at the level that you want to nurse during the break. As long as you continue to produce at least *some* milk, you can re-establish the amount once you start nursing again. You body is constantly adjusting supply with demand, so just because you temporarily produce less, it doesn't mean that you will continue to produce less once the demand increases.

I agree with working with a lactation consultant or LLL leader both before and after the trip.

Good luck with everything. Focus on what a wonderful thing you are doing for your family and what a close relationship your Dh and baby will form. Stay focused on the positives and what a blessing this is.

[ewe+lamb]

ITA with the pp about maybe all going, your flight maybe paid for so therefore you will only have your dh to pay for the ticket - kids under 2 go free, you could rent a small flat or house and ask for a reduced fee as you would be giving them 4 weeks assured rent, also the school holidays in england are in the middle/end of July so you wouldn't have the really high tarif to pay - it's certainly worth thinking about and you have enough time to save a little before June, and then you'd all be able to profit from having fun in the UK, your dh will still be the primary caregiver for that time but at least you wouldn't be separated from and be able to sleep with your whole family, take weekend trips, museums are free in the UK lots of things to do, and you don't have to worry about NIP - there's not the stigma that there is in the USA. I'm excited about the thought of it for you - lol, I'd certainly discuss it with your dh.

[crunchybroccoli]

Thanks for the responses! Keep 'em coming.

- I have sent an email to a lactation consultant in my area and will put a phone call into my local LLL. Very helpful.

- As for traveling together, we have planned the trip and I just can't seem to get it under several thousand dollars. Primarily it's the rental: the cheapest place I can find -- within walking distance of work and thus, not requiring a car rental, which is also mighty pricey -- is 360 quid a week. That's with me begging for a reduced rate. 4 weeks x this and conversion rates what they are, that's approximately $2500. For simply the apartment. Now add in that we both have to pay for our plane fares (at least $1000, unless anyone has suggestions -- keeping in mind that I am not puddle hopping on a bunch of planes with a 9 1/2 month old, I'd like her first flying experience to be *relatively* peaceful and germ-free, so I am looking for a one-stop maximum), train travel to the town ($200 round-trip) and then foodstuffs, etc. while we are there (another $500-$700 if we eat totally on the cheap -- we are vegans and try to only eat organic produce), and this is easily a $4500-$5000 trip. (I always add at least $500 for incidentals, because they happen!)

And, though I totally feel the pp's sentiment -- we were fully prepared to go DEEP into debt for this -- both DH and I are spending almost all of our non-essential funds on exceptional childcare for our LO, an investment that we both feel is worth it. We are already placing ourselves precariously close to debt for that, and neither of us want the LO to grow up without a savings or a nest-egg.

- So, I feel like my only option IS to consult with everyone I possibly can and then think positive thoughts.

But... I'm still open to any and all ideas! And if you can provide me with a better budget for spending a month near Southampton -- WITHOUT a rental car, because they are like $500 a week! -- I am all ears!

[GoldmanBaby09]

I'm a little confused as to how the trip would be essentially free for you but cost all that extra with Dh and DD. Would your work be paying for anything like your airfare or accommodations with just you? Or a meal stipend? I mean, you are going to have to stay somewhere while you are there, regardless of who is with you. I would live with my DH in a cramped hotel room if it meant not leaving my baby overseas for a month. Maybe one with a kitchenette so you could still prepare meals in the room. And your baby wouldn't cost must of anything, as long as you are nursing her. And I'm sure your DH could walk around with her in England and find things to do that were cheap or free. I don't know, even for the financial security, I would still probably buck up and pay DH airfare to spend a month in England with my family.

[crunchybroccoli]

Originally Posted by GoldmanBaby09

I'm a little confused as to how the trip would be essentially free for you but cost all that extra with Dh and DD. Would your work be paying for anything like your airfare or accommodations with just you? Or a meal stipend? I mean, you are going to have to stay somewhere while you are there, regardless of who is with you. I would live with my DH in a cramped hotel room if it meant not leaving my baby overseas for a month.

How I wish the problem was as simple as cramped quarters and bucking up for a ticket! But it's much more complicated. The lodgings provided by my work are not family-friendly. There are no on-site accommodations for family. So, we have to go off-site and pay for it out of our own pocket, which is expensive. And meals, etc. are provided ON-SITE if I stay there, but not off-site.

I hope this helps to keep the focus on the breastfeeding. I will continue to weigh my options re: the trip, but right now I am trying to figure out if it is POSSIBLE to do this and still keep up my supply.

Is it?

[*MamaJen*]

I think it might be doable. It would be hard to be away from your babe for a month, but I agree that it's an exceptional opportunity for her dad to form a really tight bond with her. I do get the sense that some of the comments are more addressing the idea of leaving your baby with your husband for a month, rather than the logistics of maintaining a breastfeeding relationship.
As far as maintaining your milk supply goes, talk to a lactation consultant. But again, there are mamas who pump exclusively for months at a time. It's obviously possible.
One random possibility -- there are those websites that do housing swaps -- maybe if you live in a cool location you could see if anyone wanted to swap with you. That may be a long shot.

[haydn'smommy]

I think that you certainly could pump and maintain at least some supply. The question, for me, is whether your child will still want to nurse when you return. Will she still know how to latch and do it? Will she not want to after a month of easy feeding on a bottle or cup?

[txbikegrrl]

I have a coworker who stays with others free when travelling then hosts others in her home I think the website is called couch surfing?

She travels with her teenage daughter mostly hosts singles but has had a family here for cancer treatment.

[Michigan Mama]

I would think it would probably be tough, but possible. Like a PP said, there is the risk baby might not want to nurse anymore when you get back, which would be hard, but you never know - she might do just fine!

Here's hoping you can find a way to take them along!

[ewe+lamb]

OK I know you wanted to keep this on the breastfeeding thing however can you do a house swap, to keep the prices down, just an idea.

Back to the subject now, I would imagine if you have a good enough supply and that you continue to pump regularly - the night included that you won't have much problem there, but would tend to agree that maybe your baby would have more difficulty latching on again, maybe making sure that you have a good feeding system i.e. a medela softcup or something that won't necessarily confuse the suck or rather the flow of milk would be best to think about. Have something that your baby and you really connect to, maybe somewhere that will be a special nursing area a nice low lighted area with lots of cushions that you nurse her in, a piece of music or a song, what about bathing together to keep the bond up and that when you return you can re-establish - don't be surprised that your baby will not nurse for the first few days on your return, it may take time and a little persuasion (sp ), hence the music, songs, baths and nursing area, I'll keep thinking of ideas for staying (and going - lol)!!

Apologies didn't read till after I posted about the house swap - sorry MamaJen!

[lizzylou]

Originally Posted by crunchybroccoli

DH and I are spending almost all of our non-essential funds on exceptional childcare for our LO, an investment that we both feel is worth it. We are already placing ourselves precariously close to debt for that, and neither of us want the LO to grow up without a savings or a nest-egg.

Just a thought. You believe that excellent childcare is a good investment, many of the posters here (myself included) feel that the breastfeeding relationship is also a good investment - one that we would spend the extra $ on if we had to. Like others have mentioned, there's a risk that she might not be interested in nursing again.

That said, there are many people who exclusively pump, so I think it can probably be done if you have a decent supply. However it might take a lot of dedication and time with your pump. I have always had an adequate supply but if I had to maintain the same supply through pumping, I imagine that it would take quite a bit of dedication.

[Fly Girl]

I have also been blessed with an oversupply. When DD was 9 months, we took a trip to Oregon for 10 days. DH and I were in a competition that was all day long for 9 days straight. I brought my pump and was able to pump and keep my supply up through it all. But I was able to be with DD at night and do her first BF of the day before I headed off. The thing I would be most worried about is if your LO would still want to nurse when you returned, if she would remember how to latch, or would she now prefer the bottle. If she refused to nurse when you returned then you'll have a harder time getting her to two years.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by ewe+lamb

don't be surprised that your baby will not nurse for the first few days on your return, it may take time and a little persuasion (sp ),

It might be a little work to get nursing re-established, but it might go fairly smoothly. It's not uncommon for toddlers to stop nursing when their mothers get pregnant (because the taste changes), and then go back to nursing after the baby is born. My older DD took a couple of months off nursing and then started back. She didn't nurse as much as she had before, but nipple confusion just isn't the same for an older baby as it is for an infant. A nine month old is most likely going to remember how to latch on. A little patience and giving yourselves a week or two to be mellow and reconnect might be all it takes.

If it doesn't go well, how would you feel about continuing to pump after you got home? In your goal of 2 years of breastfeeding, how important is it to you that she recieve BM mostly from the breast, or would continuing to recieve pumped BM after your return be OK with you? If you were totally at peace with continuing to pump, then I don't see any problem at all.

BTW, we used to fly back and forth to the UK when our kids were babies (my DH is british), and I won't worry about the number of flights. We usually had to do 3 because of living in a small town and visiting a small town. It is tiring for the parents, but babies really don't care. I'm not pushing that option -- I understand how expensive the UK is.

[crunchybroccoli]

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses.

I spoke to the lactation consultant, who told me that I should have no problem maintaining supply with frequent pumping, proper nutrition, rest, and frequent web-based (visual) contact with my DD should maintain my supply enough to return to nursing when I return.

Your comments about whether or not she will want to latch on and continue to nurse herself gave me much pause. I have an appointment with the consultant to discuss this before I make a final decision. BUT, for now I have ordered a nursing necklace to act as a kind of special object that she can positively associate with nursing (thanks to a pp for this idea!). I already nurse her in the bath (we bathe together) and night-nurse with her, so I think she has lots of positive associations with nursing, but this will give her something to attach to that I can hopefully reintroduce to encourage her to continue nursing.

I'm hopeful! She loves nursing and she's never been one to find the bottle preferable. I do know that can easily change, but I am really hopeful that her love of nursing and my determination to continue will result in our nursing relationship being fully reestablished. However, to answer a question by a PP, I am willing to exclusively pump to two years if necessary. I'm just hopeful that that won't be the case. I do love nursing her at the breast, so so much.

I also have a Born Free bottle system. I hear that this is the best system for mimicking the kind of suction required for feeding at the breast. Can anyone confirm/deny this?

I really am so grateful for your help!

[Linda on the move]

I think it's great that you are doing this for yourself and for the long term benefit of your family. I hope everything goes well for all three of you. In so many ways, this is going to be wonderful for your Dh and your baby. here are some good vibes --

I was working on my MA when I had my first child, and I ended up not finishing it. I regret that now. She's 13 now and I really can't go back to where I was. I wish that I had found a way to make it work.

[ewe+lamb]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

It might be a little work to get nursing re-established, but it might go fairly smoothly. It's not uncommon for toddlers to stop nursing when their mothers get pregnant (because the taste changes), and then go back to nursing after the baby is born.

this is quite true but I think in this instance it's perfectly acceptable to mention that this may happen, letting people know all the facts - not just the positive ones is more helpful IMO, our dd stopped nursing 4 weeks or so before the birth of ds and then continued to nurse for 18 months thereafter- but he was born just a week before her 3rd birthday!, so I know that it is possible, it just takes a little work for some mothers and not for others.

OP - Just an idea on the pumping side; when a mother I know was having difficultly just getting that first let down she would telephone her ds to listen to him breathing and just that would start the let down, just another idea that maybe useful.

[crunchybroccoli]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

I was working on my MA when I had my first child, and I ended up not finishing it. I regret that now. She's 13 now and I really can't go back to where I was. I wish that I had found a way to make it work.

Thanks so much for the good vibes, Linda! :

I understand how hard it can be to have a child in grad school. I waited until I was solidly in the dissertation phase of my doctoral program to have my DD, and we've now invested so much in my degree (six years away from our families & friends, countless student loans, etc.) that I feel I cannot step away from these opportunities now. I am so close to my dream job. That being said, she is my whole world, and I am so grateful that I was able to take an extended maternity leave with her so that we could have a solid foundation in AP to build from as we face new challenges together.

And you should consider that MA. I know someone who left the academy for 15 years only to return and successfully defend her thesis.

[sunshynbaby]

I haven't read through the other replies, but I just wanted to warn you that your LO might self-wean with a seperation that long. I would do whatever I can to bring them with me. As for maintaining a supply, I would pump on a regular schedule (every 2-3 hours) and try to pump in relation to what LO's current feeding schedule is (getting up in the night to pump if she feeds during the night, etc.). That said, I don't know about pumping and jet-lag! I think I'm overthinking it now! Good luck with the trip!