Here are some potentially relevant notes I took from "The Science of Parenting":
- In young children, the higher brain is still very undeveloped, which means they can’t inhibit their primitive impulses to lash out, bite, or run and climb things all the time.
- The glutamate system in the frontal lobes enables us to have clearly defined thoughts & intentions. This system only starts to develop in the first year of life, so infants and toddlers lack the sophistication required to be deliberately naughty or manipulative.
- A big, painful feeling activates stress chemicals in a child’s brain, so ear-piercing outbursts are often a child’s way of relieving tension.
- If we help children deal with these feelings, instead of criticizing them for these lower-brain-triggered emotional outbursts, we can help their higher brain to develop the nerve pathways essential for natural regulation of feelings.
At this age, children's tantrums are completely innocent, and a necessary part of their emotional development:
- Distress tantrums happen because essential brain pathways between a child’s higher brain and lower brain haven’t developed yet – these are necessary for managing big feelings.
- Use distraction to handle tantrums - this activates the "seeking" system of the brain, triggering high levels of dopamine, which reduces stress and triggers interest and motivation.
- Avoid using Time-Outs. You wouldn’t walk away from a friend in emotional distress, so this is certainly not appropriate for children, who have far fewer emotional resources than adults, and who need your help establishing effective stress-regulating systems in the brain.
- Remind yourself that a child’s stress is genuine. A two-year old who screams because his toy was snatched is reacting to pain – a sense of loss activates the pain centers in the brain, causing agonizing opioid withdrawal.
With my son, if he's doing something I'd rather he not, I always start by saying "We don't do that" or "That's not a toy". Often he'll stop the behaviour. If he doesn't, I try distracting him with a book or by acting silly.
Any specific behaviours you had in mind?
