So, what exactly are you teaching her?

[Lynn08]

Dh smacks dd's hand when she touches something she's "not supposed to touch" (no flames please - he sees it as a perfectly acceptable form of discipline and I am working on changing his mind). Well, this morning, she kept reaching for something he didn't want her to have and after a few "no - don't touch that"s, he raised his hand as she reached for whatever it was. Instead of touching it, she looked at him for a moment then smacked his hand!

When he told her "we don't hit", I asked him "how can you say that when you were just about to hit her?" "Well, I don't want her thinking hitting is ok." "Then don't hit her." He didn't say anything after that, but I know he was thinking about what I said. And the fact that he has taught our daughter to hit (and pretty much nothing else because it's not like she doesn't touch whatever even after being smacked).

Dare I say that he is coming around?

[Equuskia]

Yup, kids learn by example. "Do as I say and not as I do" doesn't work, and kids are smart enough to pick up on it. I don't think it's great that she hit, but she's only using the tools her dad taught her, you know?

[Fuamami]

I have this problem with my daycare child. They "tap" her hand or snap their fingers in her face. She now smacks me in the face when I warn her not to touch something because it's hot. I don't really see how that reaction is going to teach her not to get burned!

[Theoretica]

Lynn08:

I think you handled it GREAT! No lecturing of the hubby, just pointing out the (blatantly) obvious and letting him draw his own conclusions!

I doubt there will be an overnight shift in his parenting style, but maybe when the timing is right you can broach the subject of how to teach her what TO do instead of what NOT to do, ykwim?

Good luck, I think you're on the right track! Remember that altering ingrained parenting habits based on anger and violence is REALLY hard to do. Support him by demonstrating the behaviors that work (teaching instead of barking/hitting, modeling appropriate behavior, rewarding positive choices etc) even to HIM...if that makes any sense?

[Lynn08]

It does make sense and that is what I try to do with him. It's a balancing act, tho - I try to "teach" him the "right way" (aka my way ) of handling her without seeming over-critical or judgmental. He doesn't hit in anger; he just honestly thinks that it is the best way to teach her not to do something. So I have to be careful not to make him out to be the "bad guy" or undermine him when he does smack her. Afterwards is when I address what happened and suggest a more appropriate way of dealing with the behavior. But today he saw first hand the natural consequence of this type of discipline. I didn't have to say anything more.

I really try to give dh the space to make mistakes because we are both new to this whole parenting thing and I want him to be confident in his abilities as a father and to make decisions based on what's best for our family. If I jumped down his throat every time he did something I didn't like - well, man oh man, it would get ugly real fast. (If it were to get out of hand I would step in of course, as I would hope he'd do for me.)