**December** Dating Thread: Updates and (Re)Introductions, please! - Page 4

[CanidFL]

Thanks for the advice ladies.

I IM with him for a couple hours last night and I was originally planning on setting up a time to meet next week but.......I figured out we are not such a great match. I'm sure he is a great guy but since breaking up with my ex, I have much higher standards and not really willing to compromise on certain things anymore.

I feel good that I was able to come to that conclusion early on.

So, I guess I'm on pause again with the dating. I feel like I don't want to put much effort into it lol. I have this hope that I will just randomly run into someone and hit it off.

[Rosehip]

Originally Posted by AlwaysByMySide

Now it's just logistics of getting someone to watch the kids, because I would feel bad about making my dad do it every time I want to see him, but I DO want to see him more than once a week. I guess this is what makes dating extra tricky when you are a single mom.

Yup, I'm right there with you. Which means that things move at glacier speed! Which is also all right with me. I forget - do you live with your Dad? I live with my parents, so I the childcare is a bit easier - I can pretty much get them to bed and then go out w/no problem, and my parents are pretty easygoing about taking over bedtime duty as well. Of course, living with my parents has other dating complications, but hey - what can you do? Does your kids' father ever have them? I've gone out once or twice when X had the kids during the day for a daytime date.

[AlwaysByMySide]

Originally Posted by Rosehip

Yup, I'm right there with you. Which means that things move at glacier speed! Which is also all right with me. I forget - do you live with your Dad? I live with my parents, so I the childcare is a bit easier - I can pretty much get them to bed and then go out w/no problem, and my parents are pretty easygoing about taking over bedtime duty as well. Of course, living with my parents has other dating complications, but hey - what can you do? Does your kids' father ever have them? I've gone out once or twice when X had the kids during the day for a daytime date.

I don't live with my dad, but I don't think he'd mind having the kids for a couple of hours (they went to bed about 2 hours after I dropped them off, and then I picked them up in the morning) every other week or so. I arranged with a friend to take them this week, for a whole day and a whole night (so I can get Christmas shopping done, and then go out on date #2 with Southern Gentleman).

My kids' father is in prison, and will likely never have visitation, even when he gets out in a couple of years. I think I'm going to be doing a lot of childcare swapping with friends if I keep this up.

[JohnnysGirl]

ugh, why does idolizing someone online for years add up to a major let down if it isn't fireworks upon live meeting??? Wait, that question just answered itself. Internet so tricky.


So through my cousin, but actually through her friend, who knew I wanted to paint the town red but had no one to go with last night, who texted up a friend she grew up with and asked if he wanted the company of a charming american girl, I met English Bloke and he showed me a very, very good time last night. I love partying in west London. sigh. The dry british humor is just so hilarious. He manages to tease me in a cocky, arrogant, the-nerve-of-him-for-saying-that! sort of way that leaves me speechless and blushing but with an undercurrent of sweetness and good nature and warm spiritedness and with such an obvious general vibe of he's-totally-into-me and this is actually flirting, and he is such a gentleman and makes sure to look after me like a hawk every minute for any sort of opening for 'doing' something for me (like helping me with my coat, opening doors, paying for everything, waiting at the door to the ladies' room endlessly without complaining, noticing my drink is getting low and offering to go and order another one right away so I'm never without, etc etc etc). Sigh. I like Englishmen. The teasing and banter and everything was just crackling with sexual electricity, and the quick-wittedness made his high intelligence and excellent sense of humor very obvious which is super hot. A guy who can make me laugh and is actually even funnier than I. Nice.

[*MamaJen*]

God, I love British guys. I lived abroad for a couple of years and I could not get enough of the British men.
This whole jazz composer thing wound up ending really well. I mean, sure he turned out to be a dishonest narcissist -- but in the good news column, I broke it off quickly and cleanly and didn't let myself get sucked into his excuses and justifications -- which has been a problem for me in the past. I feel like I operated on a plane of self-preservation and self respect and I'm really proud of myself now. Maybe I am actually getting older and wiser.

[LoveOhm]

Sagegirl it sounds quite serious between you and Texas Gentleman. What an exciting step ahead in meeting the kids and being able to spend more time with him. I have no clue why your ex thinks CPS cares where you go fo dates but that seems to be odd all the way around...

Sugarmoon I am sooo excited about this new man in your life you so deserve this!!! I too relate to the ex who intentionally does things to keep you from dating. But you can stop a diamond from shinning......

I really think to be in a serious relationship I will have to have lots of living room dates (like yours) which is why I am hoping to move so badly. I also really like the way you introduced him to the kids.

MamaJen I am floored by the jazz composer I think it is such a shame when people do things like this. You seems to be in a really positive space about the whole thing which take a real maturity but it is better to know now than to be that other women in Chicago, LOL! I don't feel good for her either but I would rather know now and make a clean break like you stated

Seie I think when people are in a relationship and happy they feel out of touch with the dating thread and begin posting elsewhere like Parents With Partners or not at all..... but I do get a lot from those in relationships adding insights and I hope to see more of those here on this thread. There are great men out there (I have dated a couple they just are not the "one" for me) I am dating a great man and who knows right now I am hoping he "might" be the one..... you just never know. Don't be discouraged yes we date and sometimes fail but love is often worth it when it's pure. One thing that gets me about relationships is that they are not always happy that they do take a great deal of work, walking away should not always be on the table, divorce should not always be an option, etc. so why in general when it gets tough or there in a challenge (internal or external) do people just give up.......? I don't know your break up makes me ponder this about dating nowadays in general I am not even sure of why you are no longer together but for some reason I am left pondering this.

Butterflymom so the Aussie did not pan out as you had hoped. I know you really were looking forward to it. I LOVE the sound of Englishmen can I find some out here......

mumblemama I am now rushing thru my replies so I can see these hot men!

AlwaysByMySide so what is off with Southern Gentlemen that created no sparks is it something that you can put your finger on. It seemed like a nice end of the evening kisss, you said you want to see him again so what could make a spark.....? I also really struggled with the logistics of dating as a single mom and really since you don't live with your dad I suggest the living room dates often once you feel comfortable.

[Seie]

AllysonB: Scars from previous relationship? Let him go.. Just my 2 cents. Hey - just saying from now on all men should let me go - right back in the ocean. Not nice, but you want one who is only in it for YOU - not someone still wanting ex back.. just my thoughts.

Loveohm:
Why we are not together anymore.. After a week of no contact I called him last night. Maybe I shouldnt. All anger, all resistence I had put up, just vanished like that. I wanted to talk to him so he could give me an explanation. He did sort of.
In the end it comes down to a few issues. One thing being him not daring to trust it long term. I think after his serious losses in the past he is afraid of another one. I asked him - what now. Will you ever be ready to do what it takes to have a long term relationship. He said, probably not, its probably just over for me. Sad thing is I believe that is truely how he sees life. He had the best of it already - there is nothing much left for him in terms of happiness or joy. Well I told him that if you want those things you gotta reach out and grab em. Well he can't - or wont. He says he loves me - or loved me, or whatever. And strongly. My answer is - just not enough to fight for it.
Nothing in my life has ever hurt like this. It is not easier, it is as raw as the first day. I am in a pit of self pity, and dont know how to get out of it. If it was just as easy as saying "Yes, I deserve better. I deserve a man who loves me back in the passionate way I am able to love" but - it doesnt work. When I think back of the way he looked at me, the devotion I saw in his eyes, the tenderness, the kindness, the longing. Then it just doesnt make sense. Then if I could have that love and keep it, I would really forsake all else. If his way of loving is "not enough" I dont know what is. I sure never had anyone look at me like that before, never looked into someones eyes like I did his.
Nothing makes sense. This hurts so much, I dont know how I can ever date another man, let another man touch me ever again. I wonder how anyone will ever want to after this. Not like I can just expell him from my life, act like he never existed, never left.
My life sucks right now. On top of being dumbed my the love of my life I am still unemployed and can't find the energy to put effort into looking for something new. Geez. Just little over a week ago I was so happy, it all made sense. I felt warm inside. Now my stomach hurts, I can't eat and its all just empty.

[AlwaysByMySide]

Originally Posted by LoveOhm

AlwaysByMySide so what is off with Southern Gentlemen that created no sparks is it something that you can put your finger on. It seemed like a nice end of the evening kisss, you said you want to see him again so what could make a spark.....? I also really struggled with the logistics of dating as a single mom and really since you don't live with your dad I suggest the living room dates often once you feel comfortable.

It's not that there were NO sparks...the whole way home and for the rest of that night, I was comparing him to Moniker-less from the summer. He was the best kisser EVER, and had my head in the clouds for days on end. But that obviously didn't turn out well, and at some point over the weekend, I realized that I can't go around comparing everyone to him. I'm thinking that Southern Gentleman's attractiveness will build as we go along, as opposed to making me unable to think straight right from the get-go. Does that make sense? There is definitely SOMETHING there, he just didn't blow me away.

He and I talked last night, about things that, if I was in my right mind, I wouldn't talk about with someone I just met, and somehow we decided that our Thursday night date will be hot wings and making out at his house. (As much as I WANT to sleep with him - and told him as such - it's just not in me to sleep with someone that quickly. Will explain elsewhere, don't want to put it here.) On the one hand, I find that thoroughly embarrassing, but on the other, it's exactly what I wanted, so why should I be embarrassed? If all he turns out to be is a friend with benefits, that might be okay for right now.

Moniker-less and I did 99% living room dates, which was kind of boring, and I have to admit that I enjoyed being away from my kids and having adult time for the first time in awhile. Southern Gentleman offered again last night to pay for a babysitter, so he could see me more often than just once a week, and I may take him up on that one of these days. I've never really dated anyone - even my stbx (it will nice when I can change that to XH) and I didn't even really date before we got married. It's nice to have someone trying to impress me.

As for Weird Engineer, my friends that are trying to set me up with him called on Saturday and said that he was bringing over Guitar Hero, which none of us have played, and having pizza, and invited me over. So after 3+ hours of sitting with him and two people who are SO trying to push us together, and a glass or two of wine, HE is someone that I officially have ZERO sparks with. He made googly eyes at me all night, it's pretty clear that he likes me, and I think he's really nice, but I have no romantic interest in him whatsoever.

So here's the problem with that. The friends that are trying to set us up don't know that I went out with Southern Gentleman. They have been pushing Weird Engineer to ask me out, one of them told him that I would say yes if he asked me out (yeah, she's going to be p.o.'d when she finds out I'm not going out with him, but I was pretty annoyed that she would do that anyway) and W.E. sent me a facebook message very late Saturday night/Sunday morning (must've been when he got home) asking me out. I'm struggling with how to tell him that I only want to be friends with him. I don't want to go out on a pity date with him - because I wouldn't want someone to do that with me - but on the other hand, I DO think he's nice, so I don't want to offend him or anything, I just have no romantic interest in him and don't see anything even potentially to build on.

So what is the appropriate way to turn down the date? I'm going back and forth between telling him I just started seeing someone and I'm having a hard time fitting him into my life right now (which is the truth, but I think would make him think that the door was still open down the road), or figure out a way to word it so that he knows that I'd like to be friends with him, but nothing else. I don't want to be rude, because he is nice, it's not his fault that I have no interest, and we have mutual friends, and I will see him around. HELP!

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by AlwaysByMySide

So what is the appropriate way to turn down the date? I'm going back and forth between telling him I just started seeing someone and I'm having a hard time fitting him into my life right now (which is the truth, but I think would make him think that the door was still open down the road), or figure out a way to word it so that he knows that I'd like to be friends with him, but nothing else. I don't want to be rude, because he is nice, it's not his fault that I have no interest, and we have mutual friends, and I will see him around. HELP!

This is exactly what I would say, and have said...

"Thank you for asking. It is very flattering and I really appreciate it. Unfortunately, I am just not interested."

But, I am also very direct and honest, as I would want someone to be with me. It really doesn't matter why you are not interested. All that matters is that you are NOT interested.

Additionally, it is also not your fault that you are not interested... it happens and there is no need to make excuses (not having enough time, etc). I always hate it when men say that to me... I don't need the excuses, I just need the 'facts.' You can't be interested in everyone and everyone can't be interested in you... ykwim?

[AllysonB]

Seie: His scars aren't from still wanting to be in that relationship, it's because of the way she treated him and messed with his emotions, so he is being cautious.


I have a question though. I am not a really religious person, but this guy has said that it's important to him. So I guess what should I ask about this subject and what is something I should know?

Also, he has shown a bit of a paranoid/jealous/self concious side. He opened up to me and said that since he has put on a little weight recently he has become self concious and (IMO somewhat shallow) thinking that I might see a better looking guy and lose interest in him. I made it clear that I am not that kind of person and don't know what to think about that.

The good thing is that since we first started talking and he mentioned that he would be going away to school, we have grown quite a bit closer. We have formed a committed relationship, and he has said that he would definitely compromise and do what would make the relationship work by either going to school in town, changing his major or what not, if/when we were to the point of that.

Thoughts?

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by AllysonB

I have a question though. I am not a really religious person, but this guy has said that it's important to him. So I guess what should I ask about this subject and what is something I should know?

Ask him more about his religious beliefs. What impact would that have on you and your children? Does he expect to you (and your children) to subscribe to his beliefs? Does he respect and appreciate a perspective that is different from his own? How you feel about his beliefs? Are they beliefs (or a religion) you could imagine bringing into your life and the life of your children?

Originally Posted by AllysonB

Also, he has shown a bit of a paranoid/jealous/self concious side. He opened up to me and said that since he has put on a little weight recently he has become self concious and (IMO somewhat shallow) thinking that I might see a better looking guy and lose interest in him. I made it clear that I am not that kind of person and don't know what to think about that.

This is a very subtle, but potentially HUGE, red flag to me. It is NOT your job to make him feel good about himself. He needs to be able to do that for himself.

Additionally, if he is paranoid/jealous/self-conscious about this issue and is expecting you to make him feel better (or secure) about it, then you have the potential for a very, very big problem.

Please tread very, very carefully with this issue. He has to be able to feel strong, attractive and confident about himself without you. I promise you will never be able to do enough to give that to him, perhaps in the beginning of the relationship... but, definitely not in the long-term.

[MsChatsAlot]

Originally Posted by LoveOhm

There are great men out there (I have dated a couple they just are not the "one" for me) I am dating a great man and who knows right now I am hoping he "might" be the one..... you just never know. Don't be discouraged yes we date and sometimes fail but love is often worth it when it's pure. One thing that gets me about relationships is that they are not always happy that they do take a great deal of work, walking away should not always be on the table, divorce should not always be an option, etc. so why in general when it gets tough or there in a challenge (internal or external) do people just give up.......?

Great post, LoveOhm.

[Seie]

I was always one of those to say "better to have loved and lost than not loved at all". Oh well - now I am not so sure.

[MsChatsAlot]

There are great men out there...lots of them.

You know, I have done online dating on and off for years and I can say that I have met really, really exceptional men. They are out there...they do exist.

I really believe that when we take the time to heal from our past, when we get ourselves into a place that is really healthy and strong, we attract those same kinds of people.

I did date a few duds over the years, but I can honestly say that most of the men I talked to online, on the phone, went out on a date(s) with or got into a relationship with were really healthy, kind, people.

Keep the faith, keep working on being that healthy, strong, loving partner and you WILL find someone that matches that and you!

[MsChatsAlot]

Originally Posted by Seie

I was always one of those to say "better to have loved and lost than not loved at all". Oh well - now I am not so sure.

You know, Seie, I've been there. A few years ago, I was in a relationship that felt so healthy, so real, so strong, I felt like there was no way it would ever end. But it did. And when it ended, I felt like my breath was taken away. I had never felt that kind of pain or depth of pain in my life and I wasn't sure I'd ever heal.

But, I did.

In the midst of my pain, I suddenly realized that I had been given a gift...the gift of love. There are people on this planet who will NEVER feel that kind of love. They will settle for someone they don't love, they will love someone who doesn't love them in return, they will love in an unhealthy way. I realized that I was one of the fortunate ones who had loved in a healthy, beautiful, reciprocal way...and it was something worthy of deep gratitude and celebration.

As time went on, I started to realize, if I had created and felt that love once, I would be able to do it again. And despite the fact that it hurt when it ended, I realized that all love ends and all love lives on.

Yes, love is a risk. But in order to feel the deepest pleasure, there is a risk of the deepest pain. I saw this when my father passed away and my mom was left, without her love of over 40 years. In her deepest grief, she never would have wished for not having that love, because it was the greatest joy of her life. She too, had been given that gift of real love.

With time, I healed the loss and celebrated the gift that it was. I focused on the fact that if I had loved once, I could love again. And, that is true. I have been creating a truly beautiful, loving and healthy relationship with an extraordinary man for the past 8 months. It is better than the love I thought I'd never let go of and it holds the promise of better things than I've ever imagined. It is real, it is beautiful, it is love.

In my experience, it is worth the risk. I hope you find that someday again too.

Wishing you peace and healing...

[Bad Mama Jama]

hi all, i am Bad Mama Jama or bmj for short. i am a single mama of one dd and am solo all the time, no interaction from the other "parent" at all. i have been single since 2006 or so. let's not kid ourselves, i was alone even when i had someone.

anyhow, my dating life has had many hiccups, but nothing terrible. i am dating a nice guy right now who works usually 7 days a week due to his fear of pending layoffs. we get together about once a month, which is just my speed for now after the terrible experience i had with my ex. life is good and taking it slow is always nice for me.

[sugarmoon]

Wow. My internet at home has been down for a few days, and I was really busy at work yesterday, so I've just gotten back here, and to check in privately...I'm waaaaaaaaay behind, already! We are a bunch of busy people! I'll read more thoroughly and respond later

[Seie]

AllysonB: I have to agree with Holland. Some potential red flags there. Beware..

MsChatsAlot: Now you made me cry. Not like I have been doing much else in the past weeks. I know I do believe in all you wrote. I always did. But as you said - I have never felt this depth of pain in my life. This kind of loss. It feels like my (love)life is over, like I lived the best part of it and the rest will be just shadows. I have loved before. I have been in love before. But not in this way I haven't. I am so afraid that I will never feel it again. That this man was truely the love of my life, and that all I ever got of it was one year of happiness and a lifetime of despair.
I know it sounds dramatic. But I guess that is the kind of person I am. I feel strongly. Joy and pain alike. But still. Never like this. Never loved like this, never lost like this.
But really truely thanks for reminding me, that it will be better. Thanks for having been there done that, and vouching for life still. It helps.
Sorry to be such a downer around here

[mumblemama]

Seie I can remember a time I felt that kind of crushing loss. I agree w/ MsChatsAlot. Great post. I've gone from very cynical about the idea of love, to chasing after it like a maniac, and right now I just don't know what's in store for me.

I feel rather dejected right now. Things didn't work out w/ Soul Singer, Shy Guitarist wants no expectations and I don't know if I'll even see him again.

So, no prospects for me. I'm going to meet up with someone tomorrow, but it's as friends and I doubt there's anything beyond that.

Allyson, I'm confused-- have you met this guy in person?

[NaturalMindedMomma]

So here I am. Have been single off and on and in multiple relationships over the last few years. I am moving on the first. I am living with their dad currently. We were married but were legally divorced in Sept. We were seperated off and on before this for 2 almost 3 years of our 6 year marriage. I am excited to have my own apartment, as well as socialize and move on with my adult life away from my children.

I have 4 month old and 2 year old DD's.


SO here is my question... How do you ladies date, or have a man over to your home? Do you have them over after your kids are in bed? I currently EBF and cosleep with my 4 month old. I am considering trying out some bottles or even a cup for breastmilk when the baby is 6 months so it is easier to get a sitter or let her go with daddy. I have also been trying to get her used to her pack and play for longer periods of time as well. I just find it more realistic though to put the girls down and entertain in my home. My little one is just soooo attached to me. My 2 year old LOVES going to grammas. But my mom is nosey, if I ask her to sit, she wants to know WHY. She happens to be very opinionated about me being single and a mom and dating, so how do you ladies manage it and how do you find a good sitter?