When a relationship changes, should the approach to co-sleeping change? Also question on age...

[JustAnotherJenny]

Hi!

I don't yet have any children, so please excuse me if I sound ignorant about this. I haven't yet done much research on Co-Sleeping.

A friend of mine is in a long term relationship with a guy that has a child. He and his ex AP parent and when they were together they co-slept. This type of parenting is very foreign to my friend who has no children. I've been trying to educate and help her work through some of the issues that she is uncomfortable with. Unfortunately, I don't know much about co-sleeping.

Basically, the child is 12 years old and sleeps at least part of every night with her mother. Sometimes it is all night depending on whether or not her mother decides to stay in bed or move to her own room.

Over the last year or so, the father has tried to place some boundaries surrounding the night time sleep. He started sitting with her until she falls asleep and then leaving the room. However, if she wakes up at all during the night, this whole process would restart again. For awhile, it seemed as though the night time process had been worked out. Recently though, the child has started requesting that he lay down in bed with her.

My friend has some issues with the appropriateness of a child that age sleeping alone in the bed with her father. She also is not comfortable with inviting the child into their bed, so she ends up sleeping alone. (Since it's not her child, she feels it's inappropriate to be sleeping in bed with her and the father.)

Is it common for a child this age to be unable to resettle to sleep during the night? Is there a typical age/belief/etc. where the child should be encouraged to sleep alone?

If you have any resources to help my friend understand and work through this issue, I would greatly appreciate it.

What are your thoughts of how to handle co-sleeping when both parents are now in differnet long term relationships? How does the dynamic change? Is it then appropriate for children to be sleeping in bed with adults that are not their parents (and I'm not talking from a biological sense) -- at least at this older age?

[GoBecGo]

Well first to tackle "appropriateness" of sharing a bed with a parent - is her father paedophile? Does he molest his child? Because i cannot see why a loving father should EVER not sleep in the same bed as his child if thy are both happy with that arrangment unless there is something wrong with him and he is sexually tempted by her. I still get into my dad's bed of a morning when he stays with us and i'm 29. We drink coffee and chat, it is not weird.

I don't think it is "common" for a 12-year-old to find sleeping alone difficult, but if she is not used to sleeping alone at all (because she regularly sleeps with her mom) then it's not a surprise, most adults who are used to sharing their bed have some trouble adjusting when their bed-mate is away for some reason. Also perhaps she feels a little threatened by the new woman in her daddy's life, and perhaps she resents being kicked out of what was the family bed so that the new woman feels comfortable in it.

As for what age a child should sleep alone - you mention that your friend's only "choice" is to sleep alone as if she doesn't like it. If her step daughter isn't used to it there's no reason she will like it either. For most of us sleeping in a shared bed is something we do for most of our lives. In many cultures children go from parents bed to sibling bed to partner's bed and never sleep alone.

My DD sometimes sleeps with DH (her step daddy) and I. I trust him. She trusts him. If i really thought him sharing a bed with her was going to tip him over into being a child molester i wouldn't have him in my house, let alone my bed.

I think your friend should set and be in control of her own boundaries - if she doesn't want to share a bed with this child she shouldn't have to. But i also think she doesn't get to dictate what her partner chooses to do with his child, if they are both happy with the arrangement. At 12 it's likely the girl will be able to understand if her daddy tells her honestly why he doesn't want to sleep together with her anymore, but she is also old enough to see through any story which is just covering "my girlfriend doesn't like it".

[JustAnotherJenny]

Thanks GoBecGo for your response.

Do you know of any resources that specifically address co-sleeping for older children? Most of the links I've seen talk specifically about infants and toddlers. I'd like to be able to provide some resources to my friend to help her work through this. I think the information that I've found so far will only stand to reinforce her thought that the child is "too old".

Please understand that she is very conflicted about this is not a "nay sayer" per se. She just has no frame of reference for this type of parenting. All of her friends are more "main stream" parents and have children that are much older now. So, when she asks them for advice, they basically tell her that her BF is crazy. It's not really helping his case at all (or the child's). I'm the only one that she knows (besides him) that has ever heard of this kind of parenting. So, there's a lot to work against to get her to come to an understanding. She's not unwilling, just uneducated. On top of that, they have both spoken to a couple of therapists that say it's not appropriate. So, as far as she is concerned she has "expert" advice backing up her already visceral reaction to co-sleeping and older children.