How can I improve this?

[seashells]

I really don't get it, but it doesn't matter, I should be reacting better than this. But I'm posting because even when I have time to think about it, I honestly can't think of a good approach.

I get really frustrated when I'm doing something for DD and suddenly she changes her mind or starts demanding I change something she doesn't like, or whatever.

DD is 4.

Example, warts and all:

Me: Hey, would you like to trace some letters [activity she's been enjoying lately]?
DD: Yeah.
Me: Ok, let me print this out.
DD: [sees a worksheet I have up on the computer that I'm printing out] I wanna do that!
Me: Great, I'm printing it out for you.
[Takes papers and DD over to table, starts looking for a crayon]
DD: This one has no lines. [The one she was saying she wanted to do]
Me: Oh, you want to do one with lines?
DD: Yeah.
Me: OK, you don't have to do that one. The rest of the sheets have lines, here you go, I'm just trying to find your crayon for you.
DD: [Starts whining so heavily I can't understand her]
Me: What? I can't understand you?
DD: [Whines]
Me: I can't understand you when you whine like that. I'm looking for a crayon, ok?
DD: [Whines, starts to cry]
Me: [Finds crayon, gives her a sheet with lines] Here's a crayon, and this one has lines.
DD: But I want to do the other one!!!
Me: Fine!!!!! Here you go!!!!!
DD: [Cries]
Me: [Frustrated as all hell]

I just feel like I'm jumping through hoops trying to fill her every heart's desire, and she keeps changing her mind and whining. I have zero tolerance for whining, particularly because I can't understand a word she says when she does it, so it completely shuts down communication. Yet whining is her FIRST tactic when she's frustrated. Obviously we have in some way encouraged it, though I don't know how. Maybe she ultimately gets what she wants that way, I'll have to pay attention, but it's surely at a big cost (mad mom).

Anyway, I'm not proud of my frustration, but I can't think of any better interaction. All I can think of to change is to be a complete saint and just keep jumping to her every demand without losing patience, but I don't want to teach her that either (to expect people to just jump around for her).

[emilys_mom1]

Here are just a few things that I have learned over the years with my kids.

My response to whinning: "Until you use a normal voice, I will not talk or try to understand you." You have to be firm on this. Walk away from them and do not give them any attention until they talk in their nomal voice. There are still times when I go sit in the bathroom by myself to avoid them.

Choices: Try your best to limit her choices. Teach her that she has to complete one task before going on to another. If you allow her to make all the choices, she will have a hard time in school as it comes to work. I have also found it better to have all the work ready on the table (printed work, crayon, etc.) before bring them to the table. This is really hard sometimes, but it does make things much easier.

I completely hear you on the frustrations of these topics. I'm right there with you right now. I have a 9 month old who is very sick right now and 3 others to care for. I homeschool a 2nd grader, kindergartener, and preschooler.

Just remember it is alright to walk away from her when you need to take a breath. I'm also teaching my 7 yr old to do the same. When she gets frustrated with her school work, her brother or sisters, or me to just excuse herself and take 5-10 minutes to regroup.

[Llyra]

http://www.continuum-concept.org/rea...InControl.html

Have you read this? This is an article that gave me a lot to think about.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I think its FOUR. You have my utmost sympathy, cause we're going through the same thing. I can't read her mind, I can't please her, she wants me to play with her constantly but I never get my role exactly right, the whining is going to drive me crazy.

Only thing that helps is taking her outside (in spite of the whine whine whine about not wanting to get dressed, not wanting to go outside, and not wanting to wear a coat) and chase her around. We both get to laughing, and the exercise seems to help her restabilize a bit. Going for a walk just after dark to spot christmas lights has been going well, lately.

[VisionaryMom]

Although I hated "use your words" as a tactic before I had kids, I use it now. DS rarely whines (usually only when exhausted), but DD does it frequently. We started with "I can't understand you. Take a deep breath and use words to say what you want." We've now gotten it down to "use your words" as a reminder. For DD, making it clear that "I'm not ignoring you, I just can't understand you" has made all the difference in cutting back the whining.

[_betsy_]

I have a 3 yo spirited DD.

The whining makes me insane.

In the situation above, I'd be doing my best to not get the whining part.

Me: Hey, would you like to trace some letters [activity she's been enjoying lately]? (Get supplies ready NOW. Find a crayon/s first, and ask her to go to the table you use)
DD: Yeah.
Me: Ok, let me print this out.
DD: [sees a worksheet I have up on the computer that I'm printing out] I wanna do that!
Me: Great, I'm printing it out for you. It doesn't have lines, is that OK? You can try it and if you don't like it there's other ones with lines.
DD: This one has no lines. [The one she was saying she wanted to do]
Me: Do you want to try it anyways? You can do whichever one you like better.
DD: With lines.
Me: OK. The rest of the sheets have lines, here you go.
DD: [Starts whining so heavily I can't understand her]
Me: I'm sorry, DD, I can't understand you when you talk like that. Can you look in my ears to make sure there's no cotton in there?
DD: [giggles, looks in Mom's ears]
Me: What? No cotton? Oh, ok, so what were you saying?
DD: I want to do the other one!!!
Me: OK!!!!! Here you go!!!!!
DD: [traces letter]
Me: [goes on about my day]


If I know she's going to want to do that activity, I'd get all the stuff ready as I'm presenting that activity.

I think in your example above, she didn't get the difference between lined and unlined until she saw them, and then she thought she could only have it one way or the other, she didn't get that both were equally valid options.

And try not to let the whining get to you! (So much easier said than done, I KNOW!)

[seashells]

Yeah... yeah, she's definitely 4. Honestly when I typed "how can I improve this?" I was actually just thinking of myself, how to improve my reaction, not even necessarily in hopes of changing HER outcome but at least mine. Because, honestly, I'm more frustrated with myself, my lack of patience. I always felt like I was a patient person. But I also think that some things that my husband says chips away at my confidence and I feel really drained of patience. I think if he were in my corner, I'd be a much better person - to him, to DD, to myself. Probably doesn't say much about me, that I would depend so much on another person to be the best I can be, sigh.

It's funny, I just reread the transcript above and I think I see what happened now. I interpreted DD's reactions to be changing her mind, being all over the place. "I wanna do that one... no I don't... yeah I do." Now I see that she was trying to tell me that she wanted to do THAT one - with lines! (Whatever that meant to her, I'm not exactly certain). She was doing good until I told her "you don't have to do that one" which missed what she was trying to say. It's not that I blame myself, it was really unclear, but on the other hand it's hard to blame a 4 year old with limited verbal skills for it either. So when I obviously misunderstood her request and brushed it aside, THAT'S when she got frustrated and dissolved into whining. For all I know she wasn't even really saying anything while whining, but unable to express "look, I want to do that one, but put lines on it!" (I couldn't have forseen this request, first time it ever even came up, a totally new worksheet I was trying, had no idea the lines were that important to her). I'm guessing she might have been frustrated/disappointed if I had responded "I can't put lines on it" - but less so, since I would have been addressing what she was wanting.

Anyway, that's a good perspective to me, since what was frustrating to me wasn't even the whining precisely but the jumping through hoops thing. I felt like I was responding to her EVERY, wildly changing, wish - but I wasn't. It was a communication frustration, which I can understand (oh, I can REALLY understand those). OK, so now I'm armed with more sympathy for DD, next time I'll try harder to understand her rather than assuming she's just being random and demanding.