HELP- All I want for Christmas is peace in our home

[southernmama]

I have 2 kiddos- 4 yr ds and 7 yr old ds- both a delightful individually, but together are a terror. Ds aggravates dd to the point where she counterattacks and things escalate to a frevored pitch that destroys the peace in the home for the rest of the day.

Today after a nightmarish trip to the dentist in the freezing rain, I made hot cocoa and settled them at their table to drink it while I talked to my mom on the phone about a sick relative. Not two minuites later they were fighting and one threw a shoe at the other spilling the cocoa and making a mess. Both were sent to their rooms while I cleaned up the mess. We had a nice evening planned tonight- decorating the tree- watching the grinch- but now I don;t want to do anything special with them at all.

My husband- who up til now in our parenting journey has never yelled is yelling at them and losing his cool on a daily basis. I am yelling and putting them in their rooms just to regain composure. I try to relax and have a glass of wine, but sheesh at this rate I will become an alcoholic if I have a drink every time they start fighting. This is not the family that I want to have. I am desperate!

Can anyone PLEASE give me book or websit recs or personal advice on how to change this very destructive behavior in my home. It is wearing me out and making our home a very unpeaceful place to be. Thanks!

[oceanbaby]

Dh and I have decided that our problem is that we don't drink enough to be able to tolerate the insanity.

I don't know the answer to this, but am in the same boat except my kids are 8 and 5. The fighting makes me insane. We want to do fun things, but half the time it's ruined by them beating on each other.

We're exhausted.

[southernmama]

yes. it is better after a glass of pinot noir.. or whatever. no advice here- looking for insight. so. tired. of. the. fighting.......

[iamama]

Wish I knew! Mine are 8 and 4 both a joy but oye the fighting!

[tm2840]

Having a glass of wine as I type. My 9 and 6 year old (see a trend? 3 years apart?) are calm only because they spent a collective $30 on books at the Scholastic Book Fair tonight and are absorbed in their purchases in separate rooms.

Seriously, I'd love to learn how to calm down a household that is running too fast with too much yelling. DH *never* yelled until the last year or two. It gets so much more confusing the older the children get. Discipline (in all senses of the word) for older children is downright perplexing.

[Shakti77]

Heard of the book Siblings without Rivalry'?

I heard it's very good to sort out the problems between siblings. I picked up the book at a used bookstore but haven't read it yet [We have a single kid at home, I plan to read it later when we have more.]

I remember the time when our mom threw us both [me and my sis] out of the door to sort out our fight among ourselves. We sat on the steps giving that 'oh-we-are-sitting-here-on-purpose' looks to neighbors. After 1/2 hour's time, we begged to be let in and apologized to her and each other... No, I don't ask you to do this, but your posts reminded me of our fights!

[BellaClaudia]

I don't know if this is good idea or not but what worked for my friend
was telling lots of stories from real life and not so real life of sibblings when they fight and all and then one got sick and really sick or some kind of other big trouble and how they appreciated eachother knowing they might not be together anymore..

I am not sure of educational value of such storeis as I just can't judge not having enough parenitng experience but I think that they got the message across that they should appreciate eachother as life is unexpected and they actually felt emphaty for the real and imaginary characters and drew conclusions from their situations and somehow many things changed for the better..

books defenetely could be of help since they might have tons of what to do and what not to do..

otheriwise with loosing cool.. yes.. when it keeps going and going one is driven up the wall.. but it is important eventually to go back to peace
as this escalate..

it is important to show them compsure and power without being too vocal..
they need to respect but without need for yelling because the more you yell the more they yell back somehow..

so going back to this calm and happy inner peaceful place that reassures you that YOU are a parent and you are the one who can speak with a soft voice and carry a stick..that although never using one :-) sometimes it is helful to assure them verbally that although you can yell at them or send them t their rooms you also can remain calm and sort the problems calmly and they need to respect that and eventually they grow to preffer that you are not yelling at them.

Other then that.. you need to locate the source of the problem. thre is always a source. someone is feeling something against the other one..
what is the source of it deep down there..

lots of talking is good to help them voice their concerns before they go back to their non verbal acting out their emotions that stram from something.

Humor helps too.. sometimes you and yoru husband might ask them to sit down and tell them that you got a play for them and do little skit being them for a change and doing their dialoguess and fights... that should crack them up.. and maybe loosen a bit seeing how irrational some things look from outside..

lastly.. try and do one day role switching.. let them be parents and you will be the kids.. of coruse for things that can be safely done..
that also would show them what you are going through with and what you have to deal with.. let them to make you calm down and all..
doing so make sure you are not sarcastic or anything like that but only playfully realistic with making voices and all ..

lastly.. always give tons of hugs.. to everybody equally.. sometimes we are too uspet or angry and we forget.. there is no such a thing like too much sugar..
thank them for nice behaviour BEFORE they snap and this alone might extend nice behaviour and after a while they might start liking it.

I am not big fan of rewards and sticker systems but eventually this also could work just to keep your sanity..

making a star per each hour they behaved every day and if they collect 100 or 50 stars they can go and pick a toy for 5 .. 10 dollars or whatever..

But!.. there is a fine print :-)... IF they will fight ONCE no matter how many stars they erned so far .. they both looose stars and no toy.. they have to start from zero..

might not be super in line with gentle discipline but might work in desperate situation.. and defenetely better then fighting and yelling ... at christmas season.

Have Marry Christmas and lots of blessing and Peace your way,
Bella

[lonegirl]

NO advice but to say....when they are adults they will be able to be in the same room together without fighting
LOL They sound like my brother (3 years younger than me) and I as kids. I remember in grade 7 or 8 when I had friends over I barred my bedroom door with my dresser and we jumped outta my bedroom window to escape him...then when we were teens and I started dating he hated my bf (now hubby) they had shoving matches...lol...now we are all civilized and have fun.

All the best, Good Luck and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!