Who is the night time parent?! Warning very cranky vent!

[Ldavis24]

DD is sick for the first time since she was born, not bad at just 6 months.
So last night she spent 2/3s of the night screaming whenever she was put down even though she sleeps right next to me. She just couldn't breathe well.

Sooo I was up with her for most of it. From 12 to 2 when we were playing in the living room and basically every 30 minutes from there when she woke up crying while I was holding her in bed trying not to fall asleep... So the problem

Back when DD was first born I told DH that I would handle her at night because he has to work and I am a SAHM. Well it wasn't too bad but fast forward to 3 months old and I asked him if he could handle her from night to 2am and I would take the wake ups and morning shift. Thats all well and good but once in a while I need to sleep in a little bit, maybe once every other week and I ask him to wake up with her on the weekend which usually ends in him guilting me and just us generally being pissed at each other for the morning.

So this morning when she is ready to get up at 5 for the day I beg him to and he has an absolute fit and while he does it he stomps around trying to be as loud as possible so I can't sleep. Regardless I pass out anyway and wake up to his alarm an hour later. He then stomps off to work without a word and I am left with a sick nursling and wondering what the heck happened.

He did tell me before he left that he was super mad because we "made a deal" I said to him it wasn't set in stone just because we talked about it and if I have been up all night with her, supposedly his shift , I just need a break at some point.

We need a better system because the one we have is not working now but he always pulls the I have to get up and go excuse when it comes to waking up with DD at night (she doesn't do it more than once a week if that). Anyone work out something that is good for both parents or is my DH just a turd?!

FYI....as I am typing this DH called to apologize to me about how he was acting and said he knew he was being an ass! Which is wonderful and why I love him, he always apologizes easier than I do. Still though we gotta work something out that will make it easier for both of us, or at least there won't be the expectation well you have to do this!

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

When you figure something out, let me know. I have been the night parent for two years now, with two children. One of whom DOES. NOT. SLEEP. (thankfully my toddler sleeps like a ROCK) AND I work full time. oh its so much fun!

[larzanna]

Ya, let me know too.
All we do is argue about DS sleep (oh, wait, lack thereof) He is going to be the first kid to actually get blamed if his parents split up....it would really actually be his fault. Its the only thing we fight about. Although our problem is that we both have NO idea what to DO about it.

Good luck, i'll be reading others responses.....

-L

[Ldavis24]

ARGHHH I thought some mama out here would have some magical words of wisdom. Something tells me that is wishful thinking.

How is it that one parent automatically gets lumped into the nighttime parenting, as if the other one stops being a parent at night. I don't think that this is how he feels but sometimes when it is nighttime and DD is having a hard time like last night, I feel like DH just doesn't care as much as I do....Then I remember when I have gotten more sleep that obviously he does

[seafox]

we have an interesting arrangement - I work full time outside the home, and DH works at home, but only about 20 hours a week. So the normal expectations of who does what is kind of switched around, which is nice. I know a few SAHM or WAHM's that complain that when their DH comes home from work he doesn't help out. Since I am *so* grateful to DH for staying home and not needing daycare, I really try and bend over backwards to make sure he's not overwhelmed at all.

So DH does 8am to 4pm, I get home around 4 daily to be there for DS's third nap awakening. DS usually has 3 naps in there so he handles putting him to sleep for those (we are still bouncing here) When I get home I take over - and its more of DS's awake time - 4-7pm (7 is bedtime, usually) and let DH get some work done. I might ask for a 20min break in there if DS isn't letting me leave him alone so I can grab something to eat. Every other day or so DH will be cooking dinner to have after DS's bedtime.

Nighttime is mostly me, in that DS cosleeps and I handle him waking up and nursing. We do some of the bedtime routine together - I bathe or shower w/ DS, DH puts him in his pj's and does the first book reading, I do more reading and then nursing and then bouncing if needed and then more nursing (yeah, it can be a long process! usually from 6-7 or 630 to 730)

If he *wakes* up though at 2am (did this just last night!), DH usually takes care of it, if he does I do morning shift and let him sleep in. If I handle the middle of the night then DH lets me sleep in. DH sleeps in better than I do (I tend to really *wake* up even if its 5am) so that's why we tend to do it with him in the middle of the night and me in the AM.

DS has a middle-of-the-night waking probably once every two weeks and this has worked for us so far (no anger) we both really know each other's jobs are tough and try to do whatever we can to ease both of our days.

If there's no middle of the night waking, I still often let DH sleep in. I know I am up every 2-3 hours nursing and have to work a full day but I know his day is pretty tough as well and he needs more sleep than I do

[loveandgarbage]

dh and i have it worked out pretty well. we have two children, the older of whom still wakes at night, and our younger one who is in bed with us, nursing during the night. ds1 is 3, ds2 is 16 months.
i stay at home,and dh works full time. i've been nursing around the clock for about 3.5 yrs now, and i am generally DRAINED. i deal with ds2 during the night, which usually consists of just nursing him. however, occasionally he will just not sleep, especially when he's teething/milestoning, and during those times dh will usually take him out onto the futon in the living room to give me a break. if ds1 wakes up during the night, dh is his go-to. this usually consists of re-tucking him in, but sometimes dh will lie down in bed with him, or deal with pottying.
so, dh is getting more sleep than i am, but i have the breasts, and that's just the way it is. he really steps up to the plate during the night when one or both kids are not sleeping, even if it means he's a zombie the next day. we both agree that we work full time, he just brings home the traditional paycheck!

[seashells]

The worst fights of our marriage were those middle-of-the-night, DD-won't-sleep, we're-totally-exhausted fights. The WORST.

And I was lucky, I had a DH who absolutely did pull his share of the nighttime parenting. Remembering DD as a baby is kind of this blur of me nursing her and then DH trying to rock her to sleep (at some point he developed a horrible technique of putting the stereo on REALLY LOUD with soothing music, so even though he was doing the work, I couldn't possibly sleep - and it would usually take AN HOUR to rock her back down). God, it was awful. AWFUL.

Eventually DD's sleep habits improved in some ways but she nursed every 1.5 hours. And since it took me a good, oh, 45 minutes to get back to sleep - I was beyond empty. I was getting these little 30-45 minute stretches of sleep (not even a full REM cycle) a few times a night. So then I would beg DH to let me go to sleep early and he'd watch DD. Problem was, he worked from home at night, so I was asking him to juggle work and a (nonsleeping) baby. But I asked anyway not because I'm so selfish but because I was that desparate. I did eventually totally fall apart, got a flu and did not recover for about 10 months (and even then... not totally). When I fell apart, we made big changes, DH quit his job, we nightweaned DD, and even today (DD is 4) DH is totally in charge of nighttime parenting. It makes sense for us because he can fall back asleep in 2 seconds, so if DD wakes up and wants to be taken to the bathroom, he can do it, put her back in bed, and be snoring 6 seconds later, whereas I would be trying in vain to get back to sleep.

Sorry for the novel. I have no solutions, no magic advice. What I am trying to offer is the perspective that parents do go crazy when their sleep is interrupted like this. You can be good partners and still start sniping at each other over this. Lack of sleep is crazy-making. I have not yet figured out what we sleep deprived parents are doing wrong, because I don't think it's not "ferberizing" kids (totally unnatural) - yet surely it's not normal for the species to have a baby that keeps the parents up so much that one or both actually fall ill. Perhaps it's electric lights or some other silly thing, I don't know.

[pixiekisses]

Uh, the kid is not just your responsibility. He helped make her, didn't he? It's actually as much his responsibility as yours. You both work, you're a SAHM, that's a full time job, 24/7, not just for 8 hours a day (or whatever). But when he's home, you should share, equal actually.
The norm here, with us and our friends is that you share, equally at least, when both parents are home. Or actually, my dear probably cleans more than me, bc he's a tad bit tidier. And he's a lot more with the kids when he's home bc he's been away all day at work and wants to be with them.

[SoxMama]

I have a similar situation to seafox, surprisingly!

I WOH full-time and DH is a SAHD. I am "on" from the minute I walk in the door through bedtime (usually between 7:30-8:00pm). We normally eat after DS goes to bed.

Nighttime is all me by choice unless we're having a really bad night and I need a break. My feeling is that DH needs that time to recoup to have patience to be with DS throughout the day. For me, I function better on less sleep than DH does and I think it's a heck of a lot easier to be tired at work than it is to be tired and deal with a LO all day (my personal feelings from dealing with being tired on the weekend vs. a weekday). However, like I said above if it's a bad night then I will wake DH if I need a break but it's usually pointless because DS is so used to me at night that he generally doesn't want DH anyway. I have been known to wake DH just to vent though if we're going though a phase (i.e. days or weeks) of poor sleep.

Generally in the morning I get up with DS at 6:30. DS and I wake DH at 7:00am on weekdays so that I can get ready for work. On weekends, I let DH sleep in until DS demands to go in the bedroom to wake him up. I do my best to let DH at least sleep until 8:00am though.

It works for us. Like seafox, I'm grateful to have a DH taking the at home role so I do what I can to make sure the situation is the least stressful for him and that in turn makes it less stressful for me.

[seashells]

One point to make is - how much sleep is he getting? How much are you getting?

It's not fair to say "well, you are SAHM so you can catch up on your sleep" if that is in fact not really the case. As if you could just catch up on your missed 4 hours of sleep during the day, yeah right.

If he's pulling 8 solid hours and you have 4, there's a problem.

I mentioned I fell apart for 10 months. When I say I fell apart, I mean it. I was physically unable to do my share, cooking, cleaning, laundry. I don't want to write a novel but just trust me that it was not laziness, I saw doctors, I got tests, I was life-alteringly fatigued and I'm still recovering. Your husband doesn't want that to happen to you, believe me.

[Ldavis24]

Originally Posted by seashells

One point to make is - how much sleep is he getting? How much are you getting?

It's not fair to say "well, you are SAHM so you can catch up on your sleep" if that is in fact not really the case. As if you could just catch up on your missed 4 hours of sleep during the day, yeah right.

If he's pulling 8 solid hours and you have 4, there's a problem.

I mentioned I fell apart for 10 months. When I say I fell apart, I mean it. I was physically unable to do my share, cooking, cleaning, laundry. I don't want to write a novel but just trust me that it was not laziness, I saw doctors, I got tests, I was life-alteringly fatigued and I'm still recovering. Your husband doesn't want that to happen to you, believe me.

That must have been really hard!
It's weird DH is so so supportive and great in every other area of being a father and husband to a mother. This sleep thing is just silly.

He routinely gets 8 hours IF HE WANTS IT. My DH likes to stay up late and then complains when I ask him to take the early morning shift. Something we are working through as I am trying to get him to see the importance of good sleep and not staying up until midnight each night.

He wonders why I go to bed at 8 or 9...BECAUSE I am exhausted hunny. Contrary to popular belief like you said seashells you don't just nap all day with your baby when they are. Things to do around the house or stuff that absolutely must get done...

I think I am going to show him this thread and maybe that will make him understand more. I mean he did apologize but this isn't the first time we have had a brawl about it. Not a physical one I mean, just a verbal one

[major_mama11]

I have been a SAHM, a full-time WOHM, and now back to mostly SAHM, and it took us a loooong time to get to what felt like a fair arrangement. At this point, now that we have two kids, we share night-time parenting pretty well.

I remember venting to our family doc about how DH wouldn't take over any night wakings to help me night-wean, back when DD was about 2. After she night-weaned, however, we somehow got into DH being 100% the night parent for a year or so. That sure was a nice year for me! Now that we have two kids, DH is still the night-time parent for any night wakings for the older kid (who still wakes briefly with nightmares 2-3x per week), and I handle all the night-time stuff for DS, who is 7 mos and still night nursing several times per night.

DH was willing to walk the floors and change night diapers with DS (2nd child) when he was a fussy newborn, but I had to take over most of the night stuff out of concern for DH's safety at work (he drives a lot of hours every week, and he was falling asleep at the wheel).

Our situation is probably different from others, in that both my kids tend to stay up really late, but also allow me to sleep in till 8:30 or 9:00 most days (whereas DH has to get up at 6 am for work). This gives me more chance to catch up on sleep than most moms probably get, so that affects our night arrangment.

[sarahsmiles]

I'm really intrigued by the WOH moms who are "on" all night. I'm one of them, too, but as I read your posts, I realize how unfair this is. What man would say, "Well, my wife is home with the kids all day, so when I get home from a grueling day's work to provide for my family, it seems only fair that I should take care of the kids, including all the times they wake up, and then get up early and deal with them again before getting ready to go off to another day's work and do it all again." Plus, maybe, I'll do dinner and laundry, too.

I am not griping at my DH. I couldn't do what he does and in some ways, my job (even though it is very intellectually demanding) does allow me to USUALLY eat a snack or use the bathroom whenever I want to.

But I share some of the frustrations about how he chooses to spend his "free" time, too. Why, oh why won't he go to sleep when he has the chance? Not that he would EVER jump out of bed with DS at 4:30 the way I do, but maybe mornings wouldn't be quite so terrible ...

One day we'll all get all the sleep we need, right?

[seashells]

Originally Posted by sarahsmiles

But I share some of the frustrations about how he chooses to spend his "free" time, too. Why, oh why won't he go to sleep when he has the chance? Not that he would EVER jump out of bed with DS at 4:30 the way I do, but maybe mornings wouldn't be quite so terrible ...

Yes, I continue to have this gripe. DH stayed up last night until 6am - well, I guess I can't even say "last night," you know? Now I'm supposed to be working and it's 12:11pm but DH is passed out and I've got DD painting while I'm surfing. It made me even angrier before, when I wasn't getting any sleep, to see him CHOOSE to stay up all night and then spend the day being a crappy father because he CHOSE to get no sleep. (This is why I'm not kicking his butt out of bed, not because I have ANY sympathy whatsoever, but because I wanted him to take DD somewhere today and I'm hoping some extra sleep might actually make that happen - but it's possible it won't, and then I'll be mad and thus I'll be the bad guy, cause god knows it's perfectly reasonable to stay up till 6am).

Originally Posted by sarahsmiles

One day we'll all get all the sleep we need, right?

Well, in my case, I'm glad to say I did get this happy ending. I get to go to bed at 10pm and can sleep as long as 9am if I want (barring insomnia of course).

[LadyCatherine185]

Mama.

I will share our 'arrangement' with you, which I am quite happy with--

Starting with bedtime routine, DH is involved. I do bath, pj's, and nurse, DH holds/rocks on the bed until DS is asleep.

I handle most/all wakeups at night.

DH takes DS in the morning from 6-7 (this is while he is getting ready for work).

DH takes DS out every saturday morning from 6-9 or 10 and I get to SLEEP IN!

Now, my DS is 15 mo, so I think my DH has it a little easier because he can really play with DS and can feed him solids, etc. And in the mornings he can take DS into the shower with him as well and he plays while DH gets ready for work. It is hard when they are so little and EBF'ing.

I do SAH and DH WOH full-time, but he is the type to not need as much sleep, and I am the type that DOES need more sleep. I was really depressed and sleep deprived when DS was around 8 mo and that is when some of those changes started. DH still gets a full night of sleep from 10-6 or so, and I get a couple extra hours here and there. Added up, that's almost 10 extra hours of sleep a week I get.

Hope you and your DH can come to some sort of agreement that works for both of you. But I agree with you and PP's, all nighttime/early morning parenting should NOT be on one parent.

[Ahappymel]

I am the nighttime parent...AND the primary FT provider. DH's hours were cut to PT.
But...my dh will always get up on those nights little one won't settle. He has taken him into another room and bed if necessary. Gotten up to play with him. Let me sleep in late if it's been a rough night.
We have our problems, it's not all bliss...
But when it comes to this issue and us getting the rest we each need, we work it out.

[Ahappymel]

Oh...and I agree that the worst fights happen when you are tired.
I have said AWFUL things in the middle of a restless night, including yelling at my sleepless toddler, "Why are you trying to kill your Mommy???"

[thixle]

I love threads like this that vindicate my side of the argument

Yep, I do nighttimes. I resent when DH stays up all night (to do fun stuff) and then acts like a grouch.

No, I have no advice, just lots of hugs... this too shall pass?

[thixle]

Originally Posted by Ahappymel

Oh...and I agree that the worst fights happen when you are tired.
I have said AWFUL things in the middle of a restless night, including yelling at my sleepless toddler, "Why are you trying to kill your Mommy???"

I did something like that last week. It was horrible And it was escalated by the fact Dh had just come to bed (at 3am) and I was trying to nurse the baby while the preschooler asked for a drink... and Dh wouldn't get up

[crunchy_mommy]

Well we have a weird situation, I WAH full-time (a demanding, 8-5 job) & DH WOH full-time. DH goes in at 3 or 4am so he'll be home by 1pm so I can get more work done without DS right there... Also I have CFS so that has affected our arrangement quite a bit. Anyway.

DH is mainly the one "in charge" (although we're both awake but I'll 'rest') from about 8pm or so until whenever DS falls asleep. Sometimes that's 8:30 and other nights it's 11pm. Last 2 nights DS was awake 'til midnight so I took over from about 11pm on last night because I could tell DH was exhausted & needed to get up in just 4-5 hours. I handle all the rest of the night... and most nights my DS wakes every 20-60 minutes (so yeah, I'm exhausted), but if I'm having a really rough night DH will get up & help out a bit. On the weekends DH takes him from 5am on so I can sleep in (but I still have to nurse him once or twice in the morning)... DH gets to nap in the afternoon every day when DS takes his nap.

I think the bottom line is, your DH needs to be sensitive to your needs (& vice-versa)... For example, I can't nap (due to working but also I'm just not able to fall asleep during the day)... DH naps really easily... so often when we are both exhausted DH takes over knowing that he can catch up on sleep later. In turn, I know DH doesn't do well on little sleep so I try to make sure he gets his naps and a good 4-5 hour stretch at night. We both try to be flexible, and it seems like that's the key thing your DH is having an issue with... so maybe you need to make a "rule" or whatever that your DH will take X number of night wakings a week or something like that.