Who is the night time parent?! Warning very cranky vent! - Page 2

[paxye]

I am a SAHM of three and pregnant with #4.... we homeschool and don't have any close family so I have the kids full time. DH is gone from the home for work a min of 12 hours a day.

When he comes home, he takes over the kids and I finish/make supper... he gives bath after etc and we both do the night routine (I nurse the little one and he lays down with the other two)...

He doesn't mind at all taking over the kids when he is home. Though he works full time, he gets breaks and lunches and travel time all to himself so he understands completely that I only get that when he gets home.

In the nighttime, I am the one who nurses and he does the rest. If someone needs to get up with the kids, or change a diaper when they are newborn etc, then he is the one that does it... he can fall asleep within seconds after having gotten up but if I get up then I can't fall asleep again so it is the best arrangement for us.

On weekends we used to take turns getting up with the kids but now the kids can be up by themselves for a bit and we can both sleep in... If someone has to get up though lately it has been him... I have been having trouble sleeping with the belly etc so he knows that I need the sleep at the moment...

[mambera]

Originally Posted by sarahsmiles

I'm really intrigued by the WOH moms who are "on" all night. I'm one of them, too, but as I read your posts, I realize how unfair this is.

I'm also a FT WOHM who does all the nighttime parenting. Honestly at this point it doesn't even feel like a burden anymore. DD is six months old and a good sleeper; we cosleep and she nurses several times a night. That's it. It's not something I could delegate. I barely have to wake up for it anymore anyway, so I can't say I feel tired during the day.

Just generally I think a lot of the parenting is easier for me bc I have the magic boobies. DH loves being a parent and he really does contribute a lot; but it can't be 50/50 when only one of us has boobs.

[Ahappymel]

Although it IS a sacrifice to have to WOH and co-sleep/night nurse, I would not do it another way.
Because I am nursing, I can see that my little one will prefer me at night. It is getting easier as he gets older because he can be comforted other ways at night and my dh is willing to step in and do that.
But the husbands need to be willing to be creative AND step up to the plate to do it.

[iheartwren]

I work PTOH in the mornings and then am with our dd from 11: 30 until DH comes home around 5:30. I usually do the bedtime routine-mostly because dd cries a lot if I don't. We used to take turns but she is going through a I want my mommy phase. We have a pretty poor sleeper often up 5-8 times a night. We have got into a routine where I get up to breastfeed 2-4 times a night depending and then any other wakeups (less thatn 2 hours since I last fed) my DH gets up and bounces her back to sleep. Some nights he never gets up and sometimes he gets up more than me-it depends. Overall this system works for us, though sleep definitely dominates our conversations and our lives....

[Mal85]

I have to say, this is one area where I'm lucky with my DH. He's usually pretty stubborn about her care, leaving most of it on my shoulders. But at night, he's great!

Here's our typical night... I put DD to sleep for the night around 8-8:30. She usually wakes once or twice through the evening (she starts the night in her crib). He takes care of her evening wakings. Then, we go to bed. If she wakes before we go to sleep, he'll go put her back to sleep or try to anyway. Anytime after that, DH will go get her and bring her to our bed. From then on, the night time parenting is all me.

Luckily, DD is usually a good sleeper and will nurse back to sleep when she gets in bed with us and usually nurse one more time before we wake for the day.

We have bad nights though, especially when she's getting teeth or not feeling well. Last week, she woke several times a night every night and would cry. She refused to nurse and was just generally uncomfortable. DH and I both have to get up at the same time in the morning, so he wasn't much help. But we had a long weekend with Thanksgiving and he got up with her every morning and let me get another hour or so of sleep.

When she's really having a bad time and cannot sleep at all and just cries and cries (we had one of those just last weekend), DH can't sleep through it, so it's usually both of us trying to comfort her. Or he'll offer to take her if I've just had enough (i.e. hours on end of getting her to sleep only to have her wake up crying a few minutes later).

So, I'd have to say we're both he nighttime parents. I'll be interested to see how this changes when we have another baby...

[Rikki Jean]

I'll be the odd woman out here and say that my DH's sleep is really important to me, more important than my own nighttime sleep. He works three jobs so that I can stay home, and he doesn't get enough sleep as it is. My view is that lack of sleep=weakened immune system=easier to get sick=time off from work=smaller paycheck (which we can't afford).

However, it's not like I do everything around the house and with the kids, and he just gets to go to work, come home, relax, and go to bed. Even with his crazy work schedule (seven days a week, some of which are 12 hours or more), he helps with meals, cleans the bathroom, helps with other cleaning, does some of the grocery shopping, is in charge of the trash and compost, washes the cars, and does other little jobs around the house that I can't think of off of the top of my head (but they are things that lighten the burden for me).

As far as bedtime and nighttime are concerned, on the nights that he's home, DH gets the boys in their PJs and brushes their teeth. He usually puts DS1 to bed, but DS2 still nurses to sleep most nights, and DH can't help with that. DS1 is in his own bed in our room; when he wakes up at night and is scared and needs someone to get in bed with him, DH does that. It allows him to help me (the mattress is uncomfortable for me, between fibromyalgia and pregnancy), and still be able to get sleep.

It's rare that I've asked him to get up with a baby in the middle of the night. Mostly, our boys have wanted me at night anyway, but I always had the mindset that as a SAHM, I could usually take a nap the next day, and that's not something that he could do at work. The exception to this has been times when I've been sick, or something else that would make it incredibly difficult for me to get up.

Friday night, I actually left at 2am to go to a birth (BFF was having a baby), and it was an experiment, as DS2 had never been w/o me at night before. DH was a little uneasy about it, but they did great, and he was able to parent him back to sleep; DS2 is 2 y/o though, so that's a lot different than a situation w/an infant.

I think we've struck a nice balance, which is what makes it easy for me to be okay with being the one who gets up at night. If things were different, and he didn't do other things to help balance the scales, I'm sure that I'd feel much differently.

Anywhoo, I know that not everyone is a SAHM, or is in the same situation as I am, but I thought I'd share my experience.

[Baby_Cakes]

It's taken a long time for DH and I to reach a good arrangement for night time parenting.

I work PTOH 2 days a week, Fri and Sat.

I'm the primary night time parent. By this, I mean I co-sleep w/DD and DH sleeps in the living room. I handle any and all night wakings UNLESS I get pushed to my limit and start getting mad. I've done quite a few things I'm not proud of when I'm overtired and angry b/c DD won't sleep. So, if this happens, I hand her off and sleep for a bit.

In fairness, I try to keep my patience for at least half the night. If DD is waking up a lot and I"m not getting any sleep, I'll wait til 4 am to hand her over. I'm not going to bring her out at midnight just to "dump" her on DH. What's fair is fair. 50/50.

Since DH WOH 5 days a week, I let him sleep in on Sundays. I think it's only fair that he get one day a week to sleep in, even though I don't get any at all. I *can* nap during the day during the week. If I choose not to, then that's my problem. If I'm tired, the dishes will still be there when I get up, I'm going to take a nap w/DD!

OP - you and your DH NEED to discuss something that is going to work for both of you. Maybe something like I've got going on - when the night is really rough and you are burned out and need a break, he needs to step up. You are BOTH parents, and you should share the responsibility.

[Ahappymel]

I will say that regardless of who works out of the home or in the home, both are important jobs. I do tend to think that the parent who is home more has the harder job.
Both need sleep! Really, the parent who is home needs sleep just as much as the primary provider because they are in charge of a little person's safety/well-being...

[tykys]

For now, I'm the primary night-time parent. When DS was first born, my DH had a couple weeks off work and we took turns sleeping. Now he's back to work and I'm off work until January, so I am the FT night-time parent. But he works swing shift, so after a tough night I can always ask him to watch DS while I sleep 3-4 hours in the morning... so it works out well. Once I'm back to work mid-January (FT days 8-5), I'm not sure how it will work out. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. I may be getting lai d off anyway (good chance of it), so I'm not going to worry.

Sorry I don't really have any advice. This too shall pall.... (don't ya love cheesy cliches when you're exhausted? )

[Ahappymel]

You know you're exhausted when you start fantasizing about escaping from your family for a day, checking into a hotel and just SLEEPING.

[aprons_and_acorns]

Originally Posted by Ahappymel

I will say that regardless of who works out of the home or in the home, both are important jobs. I do tend to think that the parent who is home more has the harder job.
Both need sleep! Really, the parent who is home needs sleep just as much as the primary provider because they are in charge of a little person's safety/well-being...

I agree with this! DH and I split the nighttime parenting equally and always have. I am the only one who makes milk, obviously, but he is happy to do his part in every other way.

[seafox]

Originally Posted by SoxMama

I have a similar situation to seafox, surprisingly!

I WOH full-time and DH is a SAHD. I am "on" from the minute I walk in the door through bedtime (usually between 7:30-8:00pm). We normally eat after DS goes to bed.

Nighttime is all me by choice unless we're having a really bad night and I need a break. My feeling is that DH needs that time to recoup to have patience to be with DS throughout the day. For me, I function better on less sleep than DH does and I think it's a heck of a lot easier to be tired at work than it is to be tired and deal with a LO all day (my personal feelings from dealing with being tired on the weekend vs. a weekday). However, like I said above if it's a bad night then I will wake DH if I need a break but it's usually pointless because DS is so used to me at night that he generally doesn't want DH anyway. I have been known to wake DH just to vent though if we're going though a phase (i.e. days or weeks) of poor sleep.

Generally in the morning I get up with DS at 6:30. DS and I wake DH at 7:00am on weekdays so that I can get ready for work. On weekends, I let DH sleep in until DS demands to go in the bedroom to wake him up. I do my best to let DH at least sleep until 8:00am though.

It works for us. Like seafox, I'm grateful to have a DH taking the at home role so I do what I can to make sure the situation is the least stressful for him and that in turn makes it less stressful for me.

sounds very similar! and if your soxmama is referring to redsox, then we are also both in Boston

I do think oddly that a WOHM mom and a WAHD naturally end up dividing parenting better, it seems just compared to most folks I know. I totally agree that its *WAY* easier to be tired at work then tired at home! Work is a 'break' for me in so many ways that I don't mind taking over completely when I get home (though I ask for help when needed) I don't think many fathers have that same mindset, not unexpectedly, given their different role I think at the start of it all. I think even if my awesome DH was working full time he'd help when he came home but not feel like he should take over completely until bedtime, etc.

I think since we were both home for the first three months there is no illusion as to how tough it is to be the at-home parent - especially one w/ part time work. Compared to a dad who leaves to go back to work after two weeks - they end up not knowing how hard it is and also aren't as attached as a mom who has gone back to work. I desperately miss DS when I am gone so am totally fine w/ immersing myself in him when I get home until he goes to bed We were *super* lucky to have those first three months together with him and I am ecstatic that we aren't doing daycare - no drop off, pickup, DS needing to deal with new people, etc. So I do whatever I need to keep DH happy since its so much easier this way!

He does get help one or two mornings from his mom when he has meetings to go to or really needs to get work done. She's awesome and that helps a ton as well.

[Ldavis24]

Originally Posted by Ahappymel

You know you're exhausted when you start fantasizing about escaping from your family for a day, checking into a hotel and just SLEEPING.

HA DH and I try to do date night once a week and every single one we have done has been us sitting at home relaxing. I usually take a nap somewhere during date night and that is ALL I want to do!