Need help with my Fiery Almost 2 year old.

[Teenytoona]

DD is 21 mo, IME, almost 2. Without knowing a better way to describe her, she's been a temper tantrumer since at least 11 months. Actually the first time she definitely got angry was at 7 months, when I tried to give her a momsicle and she wanted water. (She gets this from me). Lately, it seems, there's always something she's getting angry about. I can't think of a day where she's had only two fits, let alone a totally calm day. She's a very intelligent child, already speaks in multiword sentences, and understands what is said to her. I know these are not lack of understanding problems.

Mornings:
When she wakes up in the morning, she's upset if I'm not there (DH gets her up, we're trying to lessen morning nursing time). She sometimes gets mad if we want her to eat breakfast, she is generally upset most mornings if I'm not holding her constantly. This whole morning she wanted me to hold her or nurse her, and was still upset and crying when DH put her in the carseat. (She doesn't get as angry with him - if this were me trying to put her in the carseat, she'd do the stiff as a board thing and I'd have to struggle for minutes to get her in.).

Evenings:
I understand that I've been gone all day and she wants to spend time with me, but I can't even go to the bathroom without her flipping out, running after me and saying "mommy, nooooooo!! no mommmy no!!" In this sort of "you're leaving me" tone. I can understand that I guess, she misses me, so I try to accomdate her by spending as much time as I can with her in the evening. But, I do need to do things from time to time. Also in the evenings, she does not seem to want to eat, so she will take maybe a bite, then say "I finished, mommy!" and proceed to screaming and flailing if I don't get her rightnow.

Generally:
Can not stand to not get something her way (i.e. you cannot have DSD's markers because you take them apart and get ink all over your face/hands and destroys the marker). Redirection sometimes, but not regularly works. I know this is common for her age to get upset, but she progresses to this pterydactyl like scream and flailing on the floor or kicking/hitting/pinching whoever she feels she's being wronged by. Sometimes, DH will put her in time out. If he does it, she will be upset about it, but sit still, and calm down. And then, she will go and apologize afterwards, as he asks her to (she never does for me). In desperation, I've tried it and she fights me every second of it. I usually give in by nursing her to calm her. DH thinks I need to be stricter, he thinks I'm not disciplining her right.

She even sometimes gets this angry at night. We co-sleep and sometimes I just do not get to her to nurse her as fast as she'd like (sleepy and I'm just slow to roll over and get positioned), so she proceeds to hit and scream at me.

Also, sometimes when leaving whereever we might be, she get angrier than a hornet, and does the stiff as a board thing, and it literally can take me up to five minutes to get her into the car seat.

I'd like to teach her some way to not get so upset. I'd also like to show that this is not an acceptable way to behave.

Also, I'm worn out. Really worn out. I need some help. I've checked out Raising Your Spirited Child from the library, haven't started reading it yet. Most of the moms who've heard me talk about her have suggested I read it.

I don't know, I guess just please.

ETA: I'd really like to find a way to make her days be happier, ultimately. She spends so much time being angry that I feel like, at least when she's with me, that it seems like a miserable existence.

[madskye]

I am on a big kick right now, eliminating sugar and upping protein in DD's (4.5) diet, and I feel like it's making a BIG difference. My DD was easygoing til 3, but the last year and a half have been way more challenging and drama filled.

Reading your post, it seems like food and touch are big issues for her? Could it be diet related--I know that's not the answer for everything--but your post makes her sound like she's actually in some kind of discomfort.

Or maybe she would respond to something tactile to calm her--does she have a lovey--a soft pillow, doll, or blanket that you could teach her to stroke gently to help her calm down?

[Teenytoona]

Thanks for responding. I so very much appreciate it.

I think food is an issue for her because of time crunch. I think most mornings she'd rather nurse for a long time, be held for a long time and then make it on to breakfast. But we don't have that kind of time, we need to be out the door by 7 am, I don't like waking her earlier than six. Really prefer 6:30, but she's usually up by then. Sometimes before 6. I'm not sure about food - I know she's become a bit pickier than she used to be, (she loves her noodles and such, but doesn't seem interested in meats anymore), but I figured that was more about her age than anything else. I worry about it sometimes, because I think too many carbs are part of the problem for my own anger problems. But then she is little, and little ones need lots of energy food. I think she's just not as hungry at dinnertime because she nurses so much when we get home, and in the mornings, I think she's just not ready to eat yet. But then, she doesn't want to let me eat. though she is better about this at dinner time. I don't know how to encourage her to eat more meat, though, I'd be welcome for any tips.

Touch I think is important. She wants to be with me or held by me most of the time we're together. This includes our hectic mornings, and our less hectic, but still short nights. She panics when (that whole "mommyyyy!! mommy noooooo!" thing), for instance, I go down to the basement to switch laundry loads, or when I walk into the kitchen if I want to make dinner or when I go upstairs to the bathroom or anywhere else out of her sight. Basically does not like me to do anything without her (I sometimes let this make me feel guilty for WOH, I have since she was 5 weeks old). Usually I take her with me, so she can help, but goddess help me if I forget, or need a breather.

She doesn't seem to have a particular attachment to any one toy. She has this baby that she seems to play with for a few days, but then she will move on to George (Curious George that is), and then she'll switch to some other toy for a while. I've never seen her need one particular thing (except she loves to watch Shrek). I wonder if I should help her attach to something, would that help?

But so many of her fits are just because she wants to do something her way. Or get into the big kids' things that are dangerous or important to them.

One thing that almost always calms her down, and has since birth, is a bath. She LOVES her baths.

I used to try to take her for walks in the evenings (not consistently), but it's been raining alot lately, and it's so dark that we haven't gone. I think those helped some, too.

[madskye]

Hmm, I think it's hard to figure out how to get her to eat more solids without it being to the detriment of your nursing. I didn't do extended BF with my daughter, but what do they recommend as far as the ratio of solids to breastmilk at her age? I know breast milk is great stuff, but could her diet be too "liquid"? Your description makes her sound like she's got "the jitters" and it sounds like she's nursing a lot for comfort. That's a great snuggly age, and I know you have a million things to do when you get home, dinner on the table, other kids, but maybe she just needs more slow one on one time with you?

I woh as well--I went back at 10 weeks so I get your guilt but also remember that you might be projecting your own guilt and separation anxiety. 21 months is pretty right on for dealing with separation anxiety, and trouble transitioning--whether you are home full-time or out of the house. Now I actually work from home for the most part but I used to have a similar schedule to yours (DD had to be at daycare at 7, me on the 7:28 train) and mornings are really tough. Do they do another breakfast at her school? I know at DD's daycare it was mostly cereal, so not very proteiny.

If you do think protein has anything to do with it, you could try taking a minimuffin pan and making little breakfast frittatas/egg "muffin" with scrambled eggs and sausage, or whatever is appropriate for her to eat at this point. She could even snack on that in your car on the way there.

Would your caregiver be open to giving her a protein rich snack shortly before you pick her up? Some cubed up cheese?

Sorry to sound like I'm protein obsessed but I did notice a big difference in my daughters behavior since I got more careful about this. We are eating a lot more eggs, string cheese, nuts, beans, fish, greek yogurt, that kind of thing.

[Teenytoona]

I didn't do extended BF with my daughter, but what do they recommend as far as the ratio of solids to breastmilk at her age? I know breast milk is great stuff, but could her diet be too "liquid"? Your description makes her sound like she's got "the jitters" and it sounds like she's nursing a lot for comfort. That's a great snuggly age, and I know you have a million things to do when you get home, dinner on the table, other kids, but maybe she just needs more slow one on one time with you?

I'm not sure the recommended solids/breastmilk, to be honest. I've been following her lead. She will eat - and heck, she loves to eat - at other people's houses. That's the first thing she does when she visits family, neighbors, etc.

I do wonder if her diet it too liquid at this age, but I also figure it's ok that she nurses right when we get home (and I know it's a source of fat/protein that she will consume). Sometimes she will constantly on and off nurse, other times, she nurses that first bit and then is content to read books or whatnot, so long as I don't leave her space. But I wonder if any nursing leaves her too full for dinner. We get home at 6, and I try to get her in bed by at least 8 (which is still probably too late), so that doesn't leave a great deal of time. GAH, it all comes down to time!

I think you're right about the one on one time. My DH is really good about cooking, and sometimes I leave that to him, maybe I just need to let that go, and totally focus on DD when I'm home. The big kids handle life pretty well, but sometimes DH spaces out on some of the homework things, so I try to pick up that slack. I guess I should just leave that to him.

21 months is pretty right on for dealing with separation anxiety, and trouble transitioning--whether you are home full-time or out of the house. Now I actually work from home for the most part but I used to have a similar schedule to yours (DD had to be at daycare at 7, me on the 7:28 train) and mornings are really tough. Do they do another breakfast at her school? I know at DD's daycare it was mostly cereal, so not very proteiny.

Thanks for sayign this, because I think this nails it. She's also a bad transitioner, much of the time. Our DCP does seem to feed her when she needs to - the big kids always ask me "how come she never eats breakfast here, but will eat anything at DCP's house?" She does like eggs, when she's awake enough. Maybe I will make her little those little fritattas, just make a bunch up on the weekends and dole them out during the week.

Would your caregiver be open to giving her a protein rich snack shortly before you pick her up? Some cubed up cheese?

Sorry to sound like I'm protein obsessed but I did notice a big difference in my daughters behavior since I got more careful about this. We are eating a lot more eggs, string cheese, nuts, beans, fish, greek yogurt, that kind of thing.

Probably she would, we are very lucky that our DCP is soo attentive. She always has the best projects for DD and her son to work on. I've never talked to her much about food, so I will make sure to do that. I'm certain she'd work with me on some things.

I don't think you're protein obsessed, really. I think you're probably right on - she's not as much a protein eater as she used to be, and I wonder if that's not the problem. Well, that and sleep. She's never been a very sound sleeper, and I'm always tryign to figure out ways to stretch out her sleep in the am and how to get her to bed earlier. If she would consistently sleep until 6:30, I could get all my stuff done, and then attend to her and maybe it would help her get out the door more easily, with breakfast in hand.

Madskye, thank you so much for your advice thus far, I so appreciate someone to bounce these ideas off of, because I just don't know how to figure it out otherwise.

[LynnS6]

A couple more thoughts:
I always go to the bathroom before I leave work. I discovered when my kids were about this age that their need for me when I got home from work was so great that sometimes I didn't have time to go when I got home. I also let my kids follow me to the bathroom. Heck, ds is 8 and he'll still come find me in the bathroom sometimes.

Bring a snack for the car ride home. Dd loves cheese or fruit. I'm OK with either one because cheese is giving her protein and fruit is a quick, healthy energy boost.

Dedicate 30 minutes when you get home to your dd, and then another 15 to the older kids. It might be that your dh needs to cook, or that you need to do crock pot meals for a while until you get past this stage. This connection time right when you get home seems to be crucial. Ds and I used to take a walk around the block every evening. Dd would nurse.

For the hitting stuff, I'm pretty hard core. If you hit me, I separate myself from you, even if it's 2 am and you want to nurse. I'd get out of bed if that happened to me. Yes, you and your dh will wake up and she will be mad. But you're not going away forever, just enough to enforce - if you hit, I don't want to be near you. I would also try to teach her the word "hurry" to give her something to replace this behavior with. "Do you mean hurry mom?" "Hurry hurry mom". "I'm hurrying." She's probably just on the cusp of a language explosion (another reason for her to be cranky), and having words will eventually help.

For a spunky kid like this, knowing that my job as a parent has shifted from preventing her crying (which was my job as an infant) to helping her deal with her powerful emotions really helped me. She has a right (indeed, I would say it's healthy) to experience these emotions. My job is to be there for her, and to help her learn how to cope.

Unfortunately, what works best for dealing with these emotions varies from kid to kid, and there's a lot of trial and error. Ds needed a little space to get it out of his system and no talking (that overwhelmed him). Dd needs physical touch.

Finally, what would you like her to do instead of throwing a tantrum? What's an acceptable way for her to express frustration and anger? Once you figure that out, you can work slowly on those skills with her. Just don't expect them to be firmly in place for a number of years yet. Some of us tantrumed well past the age of 5!

[Teenytoona]

Dedicate 30 minutes when you get home to your dd, and then another 15 to the older kids. It might be that your dh needs to cook, or that you need to do crock pot meals for a while until you get past this stage. This connection time right when you get home seems to be crucial. Ds and I used to take a walk around the block every evening. Dd would nurse.

Thats a good idea. We have been crocking it much more lately, and DH does cook. I think you're right that it is a crucial connection time.

For the hitting stuff, I'm pretty hard core. If you hit me, I separate myself from you, even if it's 2 am and you want to nurse. I'd get out of bed if that happened to me. Yes, you and your dh will wake up and she will be mad. But you're not going away forever, just enough to enforce - if you hit, I don't want to be near you. I would also try to teach her the word "hurry" to give her something to replace this behavior with. "Do you mean hurry mom?" "Hurry hurry mom". "I'm hurrying." She's probably just on the cusp of a language explosion (another reason for her to be cranky), and having words will eventually help.

Oh, good idea. When DSD was little, I used to catch her hand in mid-hit and tell her not to hit because it hurts people. I like removing myself even more. I think she'd grasp "hurry" pretty well, it's just a matter of her using it. She is a talker, and has already made her own jokes.

For a spunky kid like this, knowing that my job as a parent has shifted from preventing her crying (which was my job as an infant) to helping her deal with her powerful emotions really helped me. She has a right (indeed, I would say it's healthy) to experience these emotions. My job is to be there for her, and to help her learn how to cope.

Unfortunately, what works best for dealing with these emotions varies from kid to kid, and there's a lot of trial and error. Ds needed a little space to get it out of his system and no talking (that overwhelmed him). Dd needs physical touch.

Finally, what would you like her to do instead of throwing a tantrum? What's an acceptable way for her to express frustration and anger? Once you figure that out, you can work slowly on those skills with her. Just don't expect them to be firmly in place for a number of years yet. Some of us tantrumed well past the age of 5!

The bolded part really spoke to me, that makes sense. I feel like I'm still in crying management mode (it still makes me feel incredibly uneasy and almost painful to hear her be upset, but not as badly as when she was tiny). Sometimes she needs touch and sometimes she needs space and quiet when she'd ticked. I guess I have to figure out when those are.

Instead of a tantrum? Good question. I don't know. I honestly don't know what I should do instead of tantrumming (because yes, I still do it, sometimes alot I need that figured out as much as she does.). What should I teach her to try? Do you have any suggestions?

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by Teenytoona

Instead of a tantrum? Good question. I don't know. I honestly don't know what I should do instead of tantrumming (because yes, I still do it, sometimes alot I need that figured out as much as she does.). What should I teach her to try? Do you have any suggestions?

I have no idea. There's a reason I posed these as questions and not advice . Part of it is that very often in our culture, there isn't an acceptable way to express anger. But, that's the core of the problem, I think. I have trouble with dd's tantrums (and she's 5.5) because I don't know what other tools to give her.

Now that my kids are older, talking does work. I'm also OK with my kids stomping off to their room and slamming the door. Guess where they learned that one ? Dh (who in other ways is a much more patient parent than I am), has less patience for this kind of thing and will often tell ds to "quit stomping".

So, what's an acceptable way to show anger and frustration? I dunno cause I never learned any!

[dziejen]

Sounds like you've had some good advice that will give you some ideas to try. Breastfeeding when you are together is fine, especially if she is a great eater during the day and for others. It's not just for nutrition at this age but it still is a great source. Toddler appetites vary but breastmilk provides good calories and fats. You might try giving her a healthy snack on the way home; that might mean she eats less dinner or hardly any but she gets a lot of nutrients anyways if you are providing her with fruits, veggies, or proteins. My ds grazes more throughout the day rather than eating much at any one meal. Your dd may be hungrier earlier than the big people in the house need to eat and would benefit from a good snack.
It sounds as though you are honest in acknowledging your anger. Perhaps this is a reason that your daughter reacts differently to you. I don't say this to make you feel badly but maybe exploring ways you can react and release some stress or anger will help. I know that when I am frustrated ds gets more flustered and angry than when I calmly try to talk him into sitting or find a tricky way to interest him in something else and distract.
I also think that you might be on to something by exploring sleep issues. I am in the middle of reviewing The No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers by Elizabeth Pantley. I haven't finished it but some of her advice seems like it would be very helpful for creating a better sleeping/waking routine. And unlike some of the other authors I've read, she does acknowledge that toddlers breastfeed which is nice.
I hope that you find some things that work for you. As you know, things do get easier as children grow but while we're in the middle of things they sure do feel like it's never ending. I also know how hard it is to have different ages in the house and how rushed life can get. In reality, some things like late arrivals at home and rushed mornings are just they way they are for awhile and while minimizing some of the struggles is great sometimes there isn't much we can do about them. I definitely sympathize. Hang in there, mama.

[madskye]

Things to do instead of a tantrum--not sure which are age appropriate yet:
-talk about how she feels. DD at 4.5 just told me the other day that she was SO MAD and she stomped around some--I was just happy that she wasn't lying down on the floor screaming so it felt like a MAJOR DEVELOPMENTAL MILESTONE.
-Teach her some easy deep breathing, and when she winds up both take deep breaths together. Maybe give some of the breaths funny names, like Gorilla Breath.
-Get her a squeezy Koosh ball and tell her it can be her "angry" ball and she can squeeze squeeze squeeze til she's not angry anymore. Keep it in a basket in a special place she can reach it.
-Some kids are more physical. Tell her if she is angry, it's ok if she runs from Here to There in your house until she has worked it off.
-Draw an angry picture (she might be a little young yet)
-Get her lovey and cover her head or stroke it til she feels better.
-Give you a really tight hug.

[Teenytoona]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

I have no idea. There's a reason I posed these as questions and not advice . Part of it is that very often in our culture, there isn't an acceptable way to express anger. But, that's the core of the problem, I think. I have trouble with dd's tantrums (and she's 5.5) because I don't know what other tools to give her.

Now that my kids are older, talking does work. I'm also OK with my kids stomping off to their room and slamming the door. Guess where they learned that one ? Dh (who in other ways is a much more patient parent than I am), has less patience for this kind of thing and will often tell ds to "quit stomping".

So, what's an acceptable way to show anger and frustration? I dunno cause I never learned any!

Yes, this is exactly my problem, what can I do, let alone teach my daughter. I feel like that old drug commercial "I learned it by watching you!!!"

Originally Posted by dziejen

Sounds like you've had some good advice that will give you some ideas to try. Breastfeeding when you are together is fine, especially if she is a great eater during the day and for others. It's not just for nutrition at this age but it still is a great source. Toddler appetites vary but breastmilk provides good calories and fats. You might try giving her a healthy snack on the way home; that might mean she eats less dinner or hardly any but she gets a lot of nutrients anyways if you are providing her with fruits, veggies, or proteins. My ds grazes more throughout the day rather than eating much at any one meal. Your dd may be hungrier earlier than the big people in the house need to eat and would benefit from a good snack.

I think she probably is hungrier earlier in the day. Sometimes we don't get dinner until 7 or later. I am going to talk to DCP about the late pm snack. I don't usually pick her up because she wants to nurse forever and then throws a fit if we have to leave. She's quite calm for DH, so he usually picks up.

Originally Posted by dziejen

It sounds as though you are honest in acknowledging your anger. Perhaps this is a reason that your daughter reacts differently to you. I don't say this to make you feel badly but maybe exploring ways you can react and release some stress or anger will help. I know that when I am frustrated ds gets more flustered and angry than when I calmly try to talk him into sitting or find a tricky way to interest him in something else and distract.

Oh yeah, my anger is a major major problem, I'd be a UAV if I didn't admit that. Don't worry, I don't feel badly about what you said. But, as per the above, I don't know an acceptable way to release anger that works for me. Breathing, counting, etc does not, and I do need a physical release, but I can't always find a way to do that.

Originally Posted by dziejen

I also think that you might be on to something by exploring sleep issues. I am in the middle of reviewing The No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers by Elizabeth Pantley. I haven't finished it but some of her advice seems like it would be very helpful for creating a better sleeping/waking routine. And unlike some of the other authors I've read, she does acknowledge that toddlers breastfeed which is nice.
I hope that you find some things that work for you. As you know, things do get easier as children grow but while we're in the middle of things they sure do feel like it's never ending. I also know how hard it is to have different ages in the house and how rushed life can get. In reality, some things like late arrivals at home and rushed mornings are just they way they are for awhile and while minimizing some of the struggles is great sometimes there isn't much we can do about them. I definitely sympathize. Hang in there, mama.

Thanks so much. Seriously, I know people love the younger years, but I can't WAIT until she is 6. But then again, my DSD was far easier at this age than DD is, and DSS has always been a generally mellow kid. I feel I've cursed DD with some very bad predispositions.

Originally Posted by madskye

Things to do instead of a tantrum--not sure which are age appropriate yet:
-talk about how she feels. DD at 4.5 just told me the other day that she was SO MAD and she stomped around some--I was just happy that she wasn't lying down on the floor screaming so it felt like a MAJOR DEVELOPMENTAL MILESTONE.
-Teach her some easy deep breathing, and when she winds up both take deep breaths together. Maybe give some of the breaths funny names, like Gorilla Breath.
-Get her a squeezy Koosh ball and tell her it can be her "angry" ball and she can squeeze squeeze squeeze til she's not angry anymore. Keep it in a basket in a special place she can reach it.
-Some kids are more physical. Tell her if she is angry, it's ok if she runs from Here to There in your house until she has worked it off.
-Draw an angry picture (she might be a little young yet)
-Get her lovey and cover her head or stroke it til she feels better.
-Give you a really tight hug.

Hmm, I think these might be a little over her head, but I think when she's old enough these are good ideas. I think something physical will be the answer, or maybe just more physical activity to help manage the anger. We both need that.