Very young child attending - would you do it?

[Astraia]

I've been stressing about this the last little while and can't figure out what to do.

My daughter will be 14 months when this little guy is born. She loves other people and being social as long as me or her daddy are in the room and easily accessible. As soon as she realizes we're gone, she freaks out. We've tried in numerous settings, with a few different people, and we've tried saying bye and making a big production of leaving as well as sneaking out. Nothing works.

It's not just a few tears and then she's fine- it's inconsolable, terrified screaming. She cries so hard she throws up, repeatedly. She's been like this since she was about 6 months old and we assumed she'd grow out of it. She just had her first birthday, and our most recent attempt to leave her with MIL (who is our planned "babysitter" for the birth) was the same as always.

I don't know how I can knowingly send her away with a babysitter- even someone we love and trust- when I know what her reaction will be. Especially if she could be with them for hours. Would likely be there for hours. I don't think I can deal with that.

So I've thought- okay, we'll have MIL come here, but I can't imagine what DD's reaction will be if she's in the house but not allowed to be with me. I can't expect it would be fun for anyone. MIL is also NOT comfortable with our birth choices, so I couldn't see that going well.

So I thought- well, we'll just have her hanging around. DH can entertain as necessary. But then she'll probably want to climb all over me, splash in the birth pool, get upset when I'm not pointing at pictures and making cow noises on command like I normally do. I could see this being very distracting, and I'd lose my main support person as DH tries to keep everything calm.


Sooooo... what the heck am I supposed to do?!?

At this point I'm leaning more towards having her there, PRAYING she'll sleep through it and it'll be a fast labour, and having my friend-doula take on a more active role if DH gets called away. I just have no idea what to expect
or what sort of effect this might have on my labour.

Any words of wisdom? Anyone else BTDT?

[Hedgehog Mtn]

We are expecting #5 any day. Each of the children have been to all the births they were alive for.

We kept a very quiet and calm room for the birth and I found that the youngest usually wanted to "touch" me in some way....a hand on my arm or face but otherwise the children were very calm and watchful. Seeing mama in that position it seemed instinctive for them to be quiet.

Maybe have someone around just in case, also something special that is new to her that someone might distract her with for 5-10 minutes at a time if/when you need her out. My daughter brought her dolls in and dressed them as the baby to be in the corner during my last labor. She was here but to the side and content.


My mom stayed downstairs and helped provide snacks, run around finding stuff ect and was there just in case the kids needed her. It wasn't really the same as leaving them with her and it was in their home so they didn't have the same problem they would have if we *left* them with her

GL!!!

[meganbarr]

Maybe you can find a friend or doula who's sole responsibility for the birth will be taking care of your LO so that DH doesnt have to. That person can even come to your house ahead of time and play with her in another room to get her used to the idea of being in a separate room but knowing you are still nearby. It seems to me that if you take her somewhere else, you will be worried about her the whole time and that cant be good for your labor! Another thing you can to is get her a new toy/coloring book/video or whatever she is currently interested in and save it for the birth. That way she will have some fun new thing to keep her distracted in another room with a competent care provider. I also think that having anyone who does not support your birth choices present at the birth, even just for childcare, is a bad idea!

[Fuamami]

My ds1 was 19 months old when I had ds2, and he pretty much needed me most of the time, especially at night. My mom was with us and I figured I'd probably be laboring at night and was just hoping he'd sleep through it. He didn't, but we worked it out. I thought he'd freak out more if he came and saw me in the tub and heard me swearing, so my mom bribed him with movies and fudge (in the middle of the night!) and got him settled down. He seemed no worse for the wear.



I thought it was really cute what you said about making moo sounds on command. You probably won't be doing that as often anymore soon, anyway

[aims1029]

DD will be 25 months when this one is born. She will be at the birth. I'm having my sister there and her only job will be to take care of DD.

[CrunchyMamaToBe]

Originally Posted by meganbarr

Maybe you can find a friend or doula who's sole responsibility for the birth will be taking care of your LO so that DH doesnt have to. That person can even come to your house ahead of time and play with her in another room to get her used to the idea of being in a separate room but knowing you are still nearby.

This is what I was going to suggest - someone else whose main job it is to look after your daughter. I know there's not a lot of time left, but is there a friend of yours or the parent of a friend of hers who you'd trust to be at the birth? Or consider hiring a doula especially for the purpose of looking after your toddler.

My DS is older, but I am planning to have my DP and my sister tag team/alternate with birth support and child care duties. So, if he's awake and needs it, one of them will be available to him and one of them available to me.

[Astraia]

Thank you all for your suggestions.

I think JUST a doula/friend to stay with her wouldn't be enough. And I think JUST a new toy probably wouldn't be enough... but both together just might do the trick!

I can still pray she sleeps through it (and will!) but I'll start looking around after Christmas for good deals on new and exciting toys & games that they can play.

I'll put some calls in to area doulas and ask around in my group of friends and see if anyone would be willing to come out. The trick is to find someone who is good with kids, but who doesn't have young children so they'd be available. Hmm...

The panicy feeling has subsided somewhat, at least, so that's excellent. Thank you everyone.

[Sojourner]

I think it depends on whether you want your daughter with you while you labor or not. If you want her there then hire someone or have a friend stay with her. If you think you would be too distracted with her around then have her stay with MIL. What is her relationship like with her grandma? Is grandma someone that you trust. Is she competent? If you trust your MIL would you be willing to have her come over to your house often to foster a close relationship with your daughter? Or you two could go over to her house?
When my second son was born I didn't know what to expect from my first son. I was hoping and praying that I would labor at night while he slept. We also had my MIL on call to take him if he was too distracting to me. I did end up laboring through the night but my son woke up. At first he was quiet and was excited with the fishy birth pool. But as my labor grew more intense I just could not tolerate his presence any longer. During contractions he would be asking me questions and I just couldn't do it. I was so sad to have him leave, but I had to concentrate on birthing my baby.
Some people are fine with distractions , but I am not. I think that if you have someone that you trust or can foster a close relationship with your daughter than you should have them on call. I didn't want my MIL at the birth but was so happy and relieved when she came to pick up my son. She does have a close relationship with him. That relationship has taken effort on both our parts. She loves spending time with her grandsons and has a genuine interest in them. On my end I have had to let her have that relationship. I have had to let go of my fears and trust that my children will be OK if I am not present all the time. I have deep trust issues but my MIL has not let me down. Anyways, that is my story. You are probably not be as messed up as me.

[Astraia]

Soujouner- the first time we left DD with MIL and she had a meltdown we thought, "we need to strengthen this relationship!"

We go over to visit twice a week for a few hours, and sometimes we get together even more often than that for family get-togethers, birthdays, etc. Sometimes it feels like my daughter sees more of her grandma then she does of her dad with his weird work schedule! They get along great and she'll play with MIL and follow her around the house, etc, as long as I'm there. I don't have to be in the room, she just has to be able to come back and check in with me every few minutes. If I leave the house, then within 10 minutes she hits panic mode. We've tried several times hoping to prep her for being away while I'm having a baby and it's always the same reaction.

I don't know that I'd be able to concentrate with her in the room with me if she's needing me (if she playing quietly in the same room, I'd be alright with that). But I think if she went away and I knew she was screaming hysterically, possibly for hours, that would stress me out as well and I'd be fighting my body trying to make it go FASTER so she could come home again.

I'm thinking I'll keep my MIL on standby anyway. If DD can't handle being at home and not climbing all over me, even with an adult to care for her and try to distract her, then she'll have to go with my MIL. It's only a last resort, though, I am not comfortable with that being the only plan.

I think with most anyone else you'd be on the right track, but (I hate to say this) my MIL is closer to me than my own mother. I'd say we're friends more than anything, we get along REALLY well and always have. I trust her 100% with my daughter, but unfortunately it doesn't seem my daughter agrees with my assessment!

[Sojourner]

Astraia,
I hear you. I would be so unsettled if I knew that my child was screaming hysterically. I would be trying to hurry up my labor as well. It does sound like you are getting as prepared as you can be without knowing the future. I have a pretty good sized group of friends that are homebirthers and it seems to me that in one way or another things worked out with the older child(ren). I have one friend whose (very, very attached) 2 year old son requested to sleep downstairs the night she gave birth. It wasn't something that he asked to do before. She had a whole army of people on standby to help him during the labor but didn't need any of us. He slept the whole way through because he was downstairs instead of his bedroom which was right next to the birthing room. Isn't that something? How in the heck did he know that he needed to be downstairs? I remember being very encouraged by that friend's experience as I was preparing for my second birth.

[sunfish21]

My dd will be 23 months when ds is due and I don't want her around me! She gets startled by noises (she is scared by my cackle-laugh) and I do not want her upset of me distraceted.

As for childcare....In addition to my mom always being around, I have two girls (one high school, one college) that we started hainvg come over for two hours twice a week and I stayed here to get some work done. DD started warming up quickly and now I can leave to run errands--she is very comforatable with both of them, but it did take several warm-up visits.

It is hard to balance what you need and what your child needs in this situation. Best of luck to you!

[homewithtwinsmama]

Originally Posted by Astraia

I've been stressing about this the last little while and can't figure out what to do.

My daughter will be 14 months when this little guy is born. She loves other people and being social as long as me or her daddy are in the room and easily accessible. As soon as she realizes we're gone, she freaks out. We've tried in numerous settings, with a few different people, and we've tried saying bye and making a big production of leaving as well as sneaking out. Nothing works.

It's not just a few tears and then she's fine- it's inconsolable, terrified screaming. She cries so hard she throws up, repeatedly. She's been like this since she was about 6 months old and we assumed she'd grow out of it. She just had her first birthday, and our most recent attempt to leave her with MIL (who is our planned "babysitter" for the birth) was the same as always.

I don't know how I can knowingly send her away with a babysitter- even someone we love and trust- when I know what her reaction will be. Especially if she could be with them for hours. Would likely be there for hours. I don't think I can deal with that.

So I've thought- okay, we'll have MIL come here, but I can't imagine what DD's reaction will be if she's in the house but not allowed to be with me. I can't expect it would be fun for anyone. MIL is also NOT comfortable with our birth choices, so I couldn't see that going well.

So I thought- well, we'll just have her hanging around. DH can entertain as necessary. But then she'll probably want to climb all over me, splash in the birth pool, get upset when I'm not pointing at pictures and making cow noises on command like I normally do. I could see this being very distracting, and I'd lose my main support person as DH tries to keep everything calm.


Sooooo... what the heck am I supposed to do?!?

At this point I'm leaning more towards having her there, PRAYING she'll sleep through it and it'll be a fast labour, and having my friend-doula take on a more active role if DH gets called away. I just have no idea what to expect
or what sort of effect this might have on my labour.

Any words of wisdom? Anyone else BTDT?

You have to birth this baby. If you MIL will stay with her, try to comfort her, and treat her well, then you just have to let go of this ONE day and let yourself and your needs come first. Your little one will survive this one birth day without you. It will be hard on her and on your MIL but it won't last forever. Not having your partner, having you distracted or upset if she is crying for you, having the energy drawn away from your needs, these will all be bad for you and the new baby. I had to do this with my last few closely spaced and very attached kids. Lots of cuddles after the birth and a few stories and they bounced back quickly because of the strong attachment we already had.

[onelilguysmommy]

Mine were almost 4 and right at 20mo and were with me with the third. My then 27mo was with me for most of it with my second as well. He'd have been with me for the birth that time except he walked off right before his brother came out

[CrunchyMamaToBe]

I completely understand not wanting your MIL at your birth, and I don't know how your house is set up, but is it possible for your MIL to be there without really being there? Like, she could be stationed in the living room, in charge of your DD, but you are laboring upstairs?

[sharr610]

So I only have experience as the "watcher" of the child when a dear friend of ours gave birth. Her *just* 2 yo son and my 4 days older son have known each other since birth. We have playdates and such often.
She chose, after a really rough homebirth last time, to go with a hospital birth this time and even did an induction, so was at the hospital with her husband for a while. Now, we've watched her kid many many times before, never for more than 3 hours or so. He knows us all, is familiar with our home and all that. 50% of the time before this, he would have a 20 minute meltdown at some point after mama left wanting her to come back. REALLY upset.
So, the night his mama went to the hospital, we didn't know what to expect. It was his first night away from them ever. You know what? He was fine. Bedtime was rough, that is for sure! Took about 1.5 hours of a total meltdown, but 10 minutes into it, he was screaming DHs and I's names, not mama or papa. He was mad and confused, but he knew he was in a place that was safe and where he was loved, and honestly, sometimes thats the best you can hope for. We just kept softly telling him that mama and papa would be back soon with the baby, reminding him that we loved him, and giving him snuggles as he would let us. He eventually fell asleep and slept through the night and to this day, gets SO excited when he comes to our our house.
I don't mean for that to sound callous AT ALL, but sometimes the kiddos get upset and angry, but if they are with a familiar person in a familiar place, generally, they know they are safe and loved. I KNOW its going to be hard for you, I KNOW you are going to worry, of course you are! But trust that she'll be ok. Trust that she's with a loving and capable provider. She might suprise you.

[Astraia]

It's so hard for me to think of her being upset (like, REALLY upset) with someone else when I know that on any other day I could fix it in seconds. If she needs to go then she needs to go, as much as it might tear me up to make that happen. I'm glad that for people who've done that before their kids forgive and forget quickly.

I'm also glad that we're planning a homebirth so if it works for her to stay here then she can stay- unlike a hospital birth, where we're separated for awhile for sure.

It's true- this baby does need to come out, one way or the other, and if having my daughter around is making that hard then the new baby comes first. It's only one day (better be, anyway!) so at least it will all be over and we can be together again quickly.


It would be possible to have my MIL here but not "here"- she could go downstairs to play in the finished basement (which is also the toy room, so it works out). I need to talk it over with her and see if that's something she'd be comfortable with.

My brother is living with us right now with the intention of moving out before this little guy is born- but DD is very used to spending time with him, so if she will not settle for MIL maybe my brother can step in for a bit. He's still a bit scared of her but they've reached an understanding so it might work.

Stuff to think about it!

Thank you all for support and suggestions, I feel better about whatever may happen.