Ignore the Hitting?

[suzywan]

Need advice!

My almost 2yo picked up a hitting habit at daycare several months ago. We've tried time outs (which I don't care for and totally don't work), reflection "time outs" (like a time out but my DH and I sit with him and talk about why we don't hit) and some other, totally ineffective, tactics.

Do you think ignoring it might help? Oftentimes, it seems as though he strikes out to get a reaction. He'll swat me and then give me a look like he's just waiting to see what I'll do this time. He does hit out of anger too, but less frequently.

Would it be a good idea to reward his kinder, gentler behavior with attention and ignore the hitting, or would he just act out more?

[Llyra]

I don't think I'd ignore the hitting completely. You definitely want to send a message, especially past 2 years old when kids are well able to connect cause and effect. But I think I might not do the talk about it part. If he hits, I'd say, gruffly but not meanly, "don't do that, that hurts me, I don't like it," then scowl a bit, and walk into another room with no further comment. That way you send a message, but you're not giving the hitting a big reaction either. And it's a real-life interaction, similar to what a child might get from a peer who he's just hit.

[lara1828]

I do find that ignoring hitting works with my kids if they are hitting for a reaction or just because they are tired or hungry. If they are angry or frustrated, ignoring doesn't work so well. I have to address the underlying problem. In these cases, I also say something simple along the lines of "Don't hit me!" or "Hitting is not going to solve your problem."

My kids are older (5 & 3). When they were 2, I was just as likely to put up my hand and turn it into a game of high-five. Redirection works wonders with those toddlers!

HTH

Lara

[AnnieNimIty]

My DD isn't quite 2 yet, but she picked up hitting from heaven's knows where. Her hits are similar to her pats so it took us a while to figure out when she was doing it meanly. Then we say Bummer, or that was so sad, uh-oh, and put her in her room by herself. She can come out when she can be nice. It has worked realllllly well. But home dynamics, and personality of your child make a big difference.

Definately keep tabs on their hunger/tired levels. My DD gets realllllly mad when she is hungry. And even though she can say, food, and eat, and hungry, she doesn't always make that connection to "If I say it I get it."

[mnj77]

I'm not sure how this is going to go over with the MDC crowd, but it worked for me almost instantly (after trying a whole bunch of other things) so I'll throw it out there. I just got sick of saying "that hurts mommy," leaving the area, etc, and having her do it again two minutes later. DD just got more and more annoyed and it made for a negative feeling between us, and she was clearly looking for a reaction and getting one.

I decided to play "stupid and cheerful." I just said (sincerely), "oh, thank you for the nice pat. I love you too" and gave her a hug. She looked confused, and then tried to raise the price of poker and hit harder, but I kept doing it and she was done with the hitting (and giving me way more nice pats) in less than a day. Some might find this manipulative or something, but I figured it kept the atmosphere light and calm, I was less frustrated, and it worked. YMMV.

[nathansmum]

Originally Posted by suzywan

Oftentimes, it seems as though he strikes out to get a reaction. He'll swat me and then give me a look like he's just waiting to see what I'll do this time. He does hit out of anger too, but less frequently.

Since for the most part it seems to be to get a reaction I would take the approach of speaking in a kind but firm voice (not sure if that makes sense? Not mean, but also not all sweet) "if you'd like to get mummy's attention, how about you come and ask for a hug? I'd love to stop what I'm doing and have a cuddle with you, much nicer than hitting me to get me to talk to you eh?" (or perhaps something shorter if you think that's too wordy) and scoop up for a cuddle and carry on. You don't need to go through the entire dialogue every time once he knows what you're going to say and then I'd just move on to "would you like a hug?". If you are able to predict when he is likely to give you a swat you could even try changing the way that that occurs by addressing him first without mentioning hitting, cuddles or whatever and see if just changing the routine or habit is enough to move on from it.

[RiverSky]

What about a "hands are not for hitting" approach, complete with buying some board boards on the subject and repeatedly reading them? I would also say, "please don't hit me, I love you, I don't want you to hit me. If you are angry with me, please say, "I'm angry!" instead."

[suzywan]

Great advice - thanks! We made a huge poster earlier this year (prior to his hitting issue) that says "Hands are for Hugging - Not Hitting" with cutouts of DH's, DS's, and my hands. It was meant as a general family policy, but we've refered DS to it many times (it hangs on the fridge).

I've tried firm, but kind voice and redirecting to high-fives. I'll try asking if he would like a hug instead and giving extra cuddles when he wants to strike out. I can always tell right when he's going to do it - it's written all over his face And he's definitely more likely to do it when tired and hungry (I can relate - I get touchy when I'm tired and hungry too).

I will also try out some reverse psychology - just hope he doesn't start thinking he's doing others a favor by smacking them upside the head

Thanks again!!