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"she's too young to remember, so why bother?" - Page 3

post #41 of 48
Even if a child may not remember what you did for them or with them when they are babies, or even 2, those experiences go into shaping who that child is. Early experiences shape the actual physical development of the brain, so that an enriched babyhood, with chances for baby to interact with people, see the world, build relationships, and have experiences, really does become a part of who the child is. Even if they don't retain much conscious memory of those events in the long-term, those experiences stay with them for the rest of their lives in their sense of love and emotional security, and in their long-term cognitive development.

That said, I don't buy more than one or two token gifts for my kids until they're around 18 months, for a holiday or a birthday, and I do think that experiences like Disney are best left until the child is older. I can totally understand wanting to forgo the Christmas tree, for instance, while baby is too young. Many of those experiences like big parties and trips wind up being more stressful for babies than enriching. So I can understand that. But relatives and friends begin having relationships with children when the children are born, not when the children are 3 or 4, and I expect people who expect to have a relationship with my kids to act accordingly.

So OP, I think those people are way off-base.
post #42 of 48
I'll top that with another.

How 'bout, "She too OLD to remember, so why bother?"

That's how my siblings feel about gifting our 89 year old, storke-affected Mom. Her stroke(s) hit in the memory section of her brain, resulting in about a 10 minute memory span.

So, gifts, if sent, are things she doesn't need or use. For example, my sister sent her some awful-looking kitchen towels for her birthday last year. Mom lives in an assisted living residence and has no kitchen or cooking area (sister knows this).

My brother has had Jackson & Perkins send the same gift (an amaryllis bulb in a tacky porcelain container), automatically, for years (despite my repeated requests that he change his gifting to books). She either overwaters the planter (making a mess for housekeeping to deal with) or gives it away to another resident or aide.

This past Fall, when I sent a reminder to them about what would be good gift ideas (books -with suggested subjects matter, a magazine subscription - again, with suggestions, a framed photograph, sweatshirts or washable sweaters), they both replied, "It's our choice as to what we give Mom so, since apparently what we send is no good, why don't we just skip the gifts anymore. She doesn't remember them anyhow."

My sister will send her a birthday card and that's it. My brother doesn't even do that much. They live far away and never visit her.

So, because I care about Mom, I'll be buying her things and labeling them saying they are from my siblings. No, maybe she doesn't remember what, if anything, her two other children send her - or, don't. But, what if she does realize they haven't sent her any kind of remembrance of the holiday season? I refuse to take the chance that she'll feel any hurt because of their thoughtlessness.
post #43 of 48
I think that no matter what the person might remember or appreciate, celebrations should be had, trips should be taken, etc etc.

BUT, specific to disney...if the *parents* do not want to go, they shouldn't take a *baby* for a once in a lifetime trip. Take that trip later on. Of course, if more kids come before that trip...more trips might need to be taken, so the oldest doesn't have to wait until s/he's 20!

But if the parents WANT to go, then go! Just don't call it a once in a lifetime trip.

I didn't realize i was going to love Disneyland so much as an adult, so it took us until DS was 17 months to go...it was on a visit to my brother. One-day DL visit. Then again the year later. And then...many many times in the next 2+ years. We'll be going to WDW in about a year, even if a newbie kidlet appears in our lives; it won't be a once in a lifetime trip, we enjoy disney! We also enjoy camping and Portland, but disney is definitely a super-fun place for us.


That said...presents and phone calls to a baby...doesn't matter if it's important to us as parents, b/c it didn't, and wasn't going to, happen. The only parents still left just don't htink about such things. My dad called me on my 40th birthday this year, as we exited the Pooh ride at Disneyland where we went for MY birthday, and he was alllll excited because he finally remembered my birthdate. 40th. First time (not really, he used to remember until literally my 21st birthday when he called, but not b/c it was my b'day). And I'm the first kid!

So it wasn't going to happen, and all the years of knowing that helped me not be disappointed when it didn't.

But he doesn't give an excuse of DS being too little...he knows he's a flake. And I knew better than to tell DS his granddad was planning on coming up last summer...he still hasn't managed to swing by yet!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Belia View Post
For instance, I am not putting up a Christmas tree this year. I'm just not into it... our baby-proofed living space feels too crowded already, and most importantly..... I'm worried about the safety issues of keeping DS away from it. We've decorated other parts of the house and outside for the holidays, but putting up the tree? DH is fine with this and couldn't care less.
FWIW, for DS's second Yuletime (first Yule we could block off the tree and he couldn't drag the boxes away) we put the tree in a back room and put baby doorknob lock thing on the knob. I'm so glad we did b/c he looked so cute that day and I have the pictures to prove it!
post #44 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by grahamsmom98 View Post
This past Fall, when I sent a reminder to them about what would be good gift ideas (books -with suggested subjects matter, a magazine subscription - again, with suggestions, a framed photograph, sweatshirts or washable sweaters), they both replied, "It's our choice as to what we give Mom so, since apparently what we send is no good, why don't we just skip the gifts anymore. She doesn't remember them anyhow."
I want to say this as gently as possible.. but... my mother was like this. She would in her mind suggest things to her siblings regarding their mother... but my aunts and uncles thought my mother was trying to boss them around and control everything that had to with my grandmother. My mother is resentful because in her mind she had to do everything in regards to the last years of my grandmothers life, however everyone else sees it as getting out of her way becuase nothing they did was good enough so it was easier to just let her do everything her way.

I am sure this is not at all what you intend.. but my family is the first thing that came to mind when I read your post.
post #45 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by grahamsmom98 View Post
I'll top that with another.

How 'bout, "She too OLD to remember, so why bother?"

That's how my siblings feel about gifting our 89 year old, storke-affected Mom. Her stroke(s) hit in the memory section of her brain, resulting in about a 10 minute memory span.
Exactly. That's what I said about my grandmother (Alzheimer's). Memory has nothing to do with how you treat people. You don't treat someone like crap just because they don't have a good memory, whether it's from old age, youth, whatever.

Now, I can understand not taking a baby to DisneyWorld, or what-not, if they won't be able to ENJOY it because they are too young. Same with presents, for some-- if we're talking about a three-month-old at Christmas, they really don't have the capacity at that point to enjoy Christmas presents, so it's not a big deal to them.

But there's a difference between not doing something because it's not a big deal / not age-appropriate / they won't enjoy it... and then not doing something because they won't remember that you were mean to them or forgot them or didn't make an effort for them.
post #46 of 48
Quote:
want to say this as gently as possible.. but... my mother was like this. She would in her mind suggest things to her siblings regarding their mother... but my aunts and uncles thought my mother was trying to boss them around and control everything that had to with my grandmother. My mother is resentful because in her mind she had to do everything in regards to the last years of my grandmothers life, however everyone else sees it as getting out of her way becuase nothing they did was good enough so it was easier to just let her do everything her way.

I am sure this is not at all what you intend.. but my family is the first thing that came to mind when I read your post.
Hey, it's okay, I totally understand the sound of your post!

But, in my family, it is just the way I said it.

They didn't show up until 3 weeks after my Mom had her first stroke becuae they had to arrange their work schedules (he owns his own multi-$$$ business and she is a vet's assistant). They haven't called me in over a year to see how Mom is really doing. They were annoyed when I called them last November to tell them that our Dad had been buried that day (they both said I should have waited until evening as I had interrupted them at work). Geez, sorry I just thought you'd like to know about Dad. When they found out they would have to pay for shipping of things they wanted from Dad's house, after he died, they suddenly lost interest in having those things they had, previously, so treasured.

Am I resentful? Damned straight I am. Our elderly parents haven't impacted their lives one little bit. I do what I do because I love my Mom and late Dad. I am the one closest, geographically, so I didn't mind, it is totally understandable. But, with not so much as a thought for anyone but themselves? Yeah, resentful is the perfect description of how I feel about them.

I'm not trying to boss anyone, I'm trying to save them some money, and assure them that there ARE gifts that would be appreciated by Mom and USED by her.
post #47 of 48
They didn't show up at their own fathers funeral? (assuming they were raised by him and he wasn't a dead beat (like mine.) ) How awful.. s
post #48 of 48
Quote:
They didn't show up at their own fathers funeral? (assuming they were raised by him and he wasn't a dead beat (like mine.)
There was no funeral (we don't "do" funerals in our family), but there was a burial. They said it was too soon to bury him and wanted us (Mom & I) to wait another week. Dad wasn't embalmed and the funeral home said we needed to get things going. He was buried one week after he died. They've not said one word about visiting Mom since then.

Dad was an excellent step-father to both of them, only there was no "step" anything in our family. He adopted them (they were age 12 & 10) upon marrying Mom and gave them everything they needed. He paid for their college (including money so they didn't have to work while attending university). They never wanted for anything and he never played favorites, his own bio children versus either of them, we were all treated equally.

They haven't shown either of our parents the same courtesy as adults. I would hope their own children (my neices & nephews) are aware of this, but they, too, have no time for their grandparents. I wonder if they'll treat their parents the same way................

Ah, well, I know, when the time comes and my Mom has died, I will sleep well, knowing I have done all that I could for two really good parents. My siblings will not be able to say the same (and, I hope their sleep will be delayed with thoughts of what their old age could be like).
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