Very specific question for any of you who has/had an alcoholic father

[Barefoot~Baker]

As some of you know from my other posts, my dh is an alcoholic. I'm barely holding on in this marriage, and sometimes I think I'm only still here because of the kids. I was a child of divorce and it pains me to this day. I don't want them to go through it. However, I want to do what's best for them, and if it's leaving, then I will.

Question - If you have/had an alcoholic father who was NOT physically or verbally/emotionally abusive, and your parents stayed together, are you happy about that? Would you have preferred it if your mother had divorced him, if so why? What was it like for you?

I know this is a really difficult subject. I'm looking for help and advice, and of course support is always appreciated.

Thanks.

[Storm Bride]

My dad's an alcoholic, and wasn't abusive in any way. My parents stayed together until I was 21, then split up, got back together when I was almost 23 (probably because my brother and I both got married that year, and the intense family emotions were swirling around), then separated for good when I was 25. I'm 41.

They told me they were splitting up when I was 21, and I was upset for about an hour. Then, I was just so relieved. I was really worried when they got back together, and quite happy it didn't last.

My parents had an amazing marriage when I was little, but from the time I was about 8 or 9, the house was just...tense. It was no fun being there. Neither of my parents were happy and that permeated the whole house all the time. I spent my teens wanting to be somewhere else - when I was at school (being bullied and bored), I wanted to be at home...and when I got home, I missed being at school. I spent a lot of time in my room, listening to music. I wished they'd just split up and stop being miserable.

When my mom was 35, I thought she looked 50. When she was 50, and apart from my dad, I thought she looked 35. It was so good to see her living her life, instead of doing...whatever it was she'd been doing for the last 10-15 years.

I so, so wish she'd broken it off sooner. He's not a bad guy, but he wasn't much of a dad (wonderful in my early years, though) - they coined the term "emotionally unavailable" for him, I think - and it was awful seeing her so miserable all the time. I don't think she stayed "for" us, though. I think she kept hoping it would get better.

[IntrovertExtrovert]

Hm...for a certain definition of alcoholic, and a certain definition of abusive, I fit the bill.

My father was a binge drinker when I was growing up. He rarely drank in front of me and was rarely drunk at home during the day, but he was a regular at a local bar and a bar near his work, and often came home very late and drunk.

He did not abuse me, but it was a very unpleasant household all the same. He and my mother would fight, scream, and throw dishes late into the night, and sometimes they each would make a point of standing at the foot of the stairs (so as close as they could get to my room without coming upstairs) and yelling horrible things about each other so that they could be sure I heard. I think I was about 16 the only time I got the nerve to yell at them to shut the F* up because I had a test the next day at school.

To be honest, I blame my mother for the unpleasant upbringing as much or more than my father. As a child it seemed like he would have been content being gone and drunk then coming home and sleeping. I felt like she was the one who did most of the yelling. She also belittled him every time she mentioned him "your idiot father, of course your father forgot to do this," etc. She made a point of showing me her packed luggage in the trunk of her car "just in case" during one of my college visits home. As a child she would often say things like "if I don't kill your father by then." When I was 16 she moved out of their bedroom and into the bedroom next to mine (my older sister had moved out 4 years earlier when she turned 18). I felt like a captive in my room because the slightest noise or light woke her, and she refused to close her bedroom door.

That said, I don't think life would have been any better for me if they had divorced. My mom surely would have been given custody of me, and she's such a needy, insecure, immature person that I think it just would have been worse for me. This sounds horrid, but at least my dad was there to take her ire/attention off of me.

[MadiMamacita]

my dad was/is an alcoholic (though he has it in check currently). he didnt drink during the day and maybe not every night, but he didnt know when to stop. he was verbally/emotionally abusive when sober, but too weirdly nice when drunk, and sometimes argumentative. he never laid a hand on me or my brother, and as far as i know never hit my mom. he and my mom split for about a year when i was 14ish. i was thrilled, to be honest. the house was always so tense and you never knew what would set him off.
my parents got back together after my dad did a good bit of soul searching and therapy. and has been a completely different person in the last 14 or so years.

he has to want to change, or nothing will. losing his family is what motivated my dad.

[mamazee]

My dad is an alcoholic. He was abusive, though my mom was actually the more abusive of the two. They were investigated by CPS when I was little, and it must have made an impression, because things greatly improved after that. So my situation is not like you're asking about. My mom was miserable and not in a good place emotionally. She still is. I think she would have been happier without him, and in turn would have had an easier time with us. Having an alcoholic dad was not as difficult as having a mom who was so terribly stressed and unhappy. The alcoholism made my dad more absent than anything else, after the CPS involvement.

The other thing is that even without much if any abuse, alcoholics are volatile emotionally, and we were always worried that he might snap. The constant fear of it was almost as bad as the very few instances after CPS involvement when he did snap.

I don't think you would be hurting your kids to get divorced if the marriage is making you unhappy. It's OK to think about yourself. You can PM me if you want more info.

[number572]

Hi, my mom stayed with my dad until my sis & i were ages 7 & 9. Then she, my sis & I moved out. Our mom met a guy within a few months and married him less than a year later & although he was funny & about 10 years her junior so he had more energy than my dad, he was also pretty heavy alcoholic.

So, it'd be great to be able to say yes, things were lighter w/o my dad's alcoholic moods in the house & the fighting btwn our parents while growing up - but they didn't improve and actually got worse b'c he was not my real dad & tried to bully us alot, b'c the new guy brought the same issues right back into the house. My mom divorced him after my sis & I were out of highschool.

She is married again now & her new dh drinks a few glasses of wine almost daily & was counting days when he was told not to drink during 14 days of antibiotics - BUT, his attitude is so very very different. He drinks & likes to talk intellectually, never brings any sort of ego or upset when he drinks & is always in a light mood the next day. Its like he's a drinker but not an alcoholic... or something, but its just different from her other marriages.

[russsk]

For me it was my stepfather, but he married my mom when I was 2, so he was always in the picture. He and my mother divorced when I was a teen and it was such a relief. My mother went back to being the fun, happy person she used to be, and we felt like this huge weight was lifted. Although he didn't beat us and was generally considered a "happy" drunk, we were always on pins and needles around him and could never just relax. He was awful to be around. My brother still sees him regularly, but I've had no contact with him for years, and don't plan on ever seeing him again.

[MadiMamacita]

Originally Posted by mamazee

The other thing is that even without much if any abuse, alcoholics are volatile emotionally, and we were always worried that he might snap.

[AutumnAir]

My dad is an alcoholic. My parents stayed togther 'for the kids' until I was 18 and my brother was 15, then separated. (Not very easy to get a divorce in Ireland...)

I wish they'd split up much sooner. My dad wasn't abusive, but he was emotionally unstable when drinking, and you would just never know what kind of mood he would be in. He bullied my mom, who was miserable for most of the marriage and blamed herself for dad's problems - a pattern I've unfortunately learned. I, too, find it all too easy to blame myself if someone else, e.g. DH or DD is unhappy. I haven't properly learned how to let others be responsible for their own emotions, because I spent so long watching mam walking on eggshells around dad, trying to efface herself so she didn't set him off.

My mom is a lot happier since they separated, and actually confessed to me a while back that she also wished she'd split up with dad long before she actually did.

Alcoholism is not easy to live with, and its effects are insidious. It's not the same as someone who's blatantly abusive and it's hard to know exactly where to draw the line, because so many people drink without being alcoholic. Living with an alcoholic encourages unhealthy relationship patterns overall - co-dependency would be a big one. It also puts the people living with it under a lot of stress; partly because of the unpredictable nature of the alcoholism/ behaviour, and the stress of walking on eggshells, feeling responsible for another person's outbursts. I also remember crying myself to sleep on numerous occasions, fearing that my dad would kill himself in the car, as I knew he drove drunk a lot.

It's a good reason to leave - if you're looking for justification to leave. If your husband is not willing to admit to his problem and start making changes himself then you're most likely at nothing staying, as you can't change him or his behaviour.

[Kelly1101]

My dad is an alcoholic. He is not abusive, although my parents DID fight, sometimes loudly. It just wasn't a case of him bullying her or anything like that, just a case of them arguing (my mother was never scared that he would hit her or anything like that, he's not a violent person, and he never abused her self-esteem or anything).

They divorced when I was 11. It was very hard. But because of the conflict between them, and the obvious lack of love (not just the fighting, which was occasional, but just that you could FEEL the tension between them, and they were very unhappy together), I was glad that they did divorce.

Of course, I would have preferred that they love each other and not want to divorce and never argue, and stay together. But since they obviously couldn't be happy together, it was better that they divorced. We didn't have to live with that constant pressure and tension anymore. I felt that way pretty much instantly. My older sister (13 at the time) had a harder time with it, but now has a great relationship with both of our parents.


I hope everything works out well for your family.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Kelly1101

My dad is an alcoholic. He is not abusive, although my parents DID fight, sometimes loudly. It just wasn't a case of him bullying her or anything like that, just a case of them arguing (my mother was never scared that he would hit her or anything like that, he's not a violent person, and he never abused her self-esteem or anything).

That was more or less my parents, except they didn't even fight, as such. Mom would just blow up sometimes, out of sheer frustration, while dad sat there like a brick wall. He rarely even responded to her, and when he did, it was usually a fairly passive-aggressive one-liner...which tended to just get her more riled. It was just sooooo unpleasant in that house. We had good days, but by the time I was about 15 or 16, I didn't even like the good days that much, because they felt fake. (They weren't fake, as I understand so much better after having been through my own marriage to an addict, but they weren't exactly real, either. The...stuff was always simmering underneath.)

[mamadelbosque]

This is an interesting question for me... because we now live with my dad, who by most standards is an alcoholic. Heck, you could probably classify DH as an alcoholic (when they're both drinking beer (dad mostly drinks vodka, cause' its cheaper ), they can/do routinely go through a 12 pack a night... if its just DH drinking beer then a 12 pack lasts him 2-4days....).

My parents split when I was 15 and it was a relief... at first. Because at first we (me & older brother) lived with dad in our house. A month later, mom moved back in and dad moved out. And then life was hell for the next 2 yrs till I got the guts to move out and in with dad - my moms a bit of a mental case, which is apparently why they split up to begin with, NOT my dads drinking. Dad has never been in the least bit abusive... my mom has been/is emotionally abusive... and is EXTREMELY manipulative. Honestly, if I could go back in time to when I was 15, I would simply beg and plead that my dad 'fight' my mom and insist on the house to start with, rather than letting her live here w/ us for 3 yrs before he/we got the house back. Because the two years I lived w/ my mother were the worst of my life, by far.

[carfreemama]

Another child of an alcoholic here. My dad, most of my life. I'm not sure how much the drinking made living with him miserable, or how much was what made him drink that made him miserable...

Dad was a very insecure, angry, bitter and self-pitying person. It took me a good while to figure out that I just didn't LIKE him...but I was still a kid when I did make that realization and dad knew it. And he didn't really like me either. Yuck. He was sexist and I budded into feminism very early. We just did NOT get along. I'm not sure how different that would have been if he hadn't been a drunk. He probably still would have been, well, HIM.

However, lots of what people have said here rings so true. The unpredictability. The flash-point anger. The zero frustration tolerance.

Unfortunately, I was also my dad's confidante about his drinking. I was the one he told about how much he drank and where he "hid" it. Something to keep in mind; my mom apparently had no idea about this. Secrets are common with alcoholics. How will you know what he's telling your kids, what they are actually witnessing/aware of?

At least it sounds like you're not in denial about his drinking. My mom's desire to not know the extent of it, to try to preserve appearances, was a big part of the problem in our house.

The anxiety, almost the desire to have dad just blow up and have it over with...provoking him sometimes because I just couldn't stand the tension and it was BETTER if he blew up...

Maybe if I'd had some space from him, maybe if I hadn't watched him destroy himself, not be able to hold down a job for any length of time...maybe I could have salvaged some kind of relationship with him as an adult. As it was, I lost all respect for him. He died of MS, complicated by his alcoholism, when I was 24. I told him I loved him on the phone the day he died.

[confustication]

My dad drank- a lot- but never enough to be noticeably drunk. He still drinks, though much less since he's actually dealt with the depression he spent a lifetime trying to bury. The worst times were when I was about 14/15 my brother had already left for college, and things were tough for my folks financially. I remember wishing they would split so they could both be happier, and wishing my mother would stop upsetting my Dad. I was old enough to see some of it, but I didn't really understand all of it. She wasn't fighting with him to be cruel, and he wasn't drinking just to make her mad.

Ultimately, she got through to him, he's modified his drinking (a beer or so every so often... ) and they are very happily still married. Of course, that is over 40 years after they were first married...

I'm glad they made it through all of the difficulty- and stayed together- but it took me over a decade of being an adult to get past the damage done while I witnessed the worst couple years along the way. I wish my dad had sought treatment for his depression when I was little, and I wish that my mom had put her foot down about the alcoholism- then I could have known him then as the amazing guy he is now that the fog has lifted.

[aniT]

My father is an alcoholic and my parents divorced when I was 3. I don't know him. He thought it was more important to be a drunk than to take care of the 6 children he fathered with three different wives (and these are just the legal ones we know about.)

Soooo.. I guess I don't really have much to ad.

[Porcelain Interior]

Honestly (I come from a long line of drunks) I don't think you can be a parent and be an alcoholic and not be abusive.

Abuse can take so many forms. Being unavailable emotionally is abusive. It can cause just as many problems as being verbally/physically abusive.

Neglect emotionally or physically

Seeing other people "pretend" everything is fine and not acknowledge the elephant in the room (his drinking) is also extremely dysfunctional and damaging.

Normalizing or marginalizing alcoholism can also damage kids.

There's a reason that the group Adult Children Of Alcoholics exist. And it isn't because all of these people were beaten or called names. Silent forms of abuse are just as hard to erase and overcome.

My own father was verbally/physically abusive as well as loving. Seeing him intoxicated is by far the most horrific image I have from my childhood. The disappointments when he'd flip out on holidays, or be "sick" or just plain get too tired to participate in daily family life were so upsetting and disappointing.

I guess if I were you I'd take a cold hard outsider's look at what your husband's interactions are with his kids, and truly know that they see and feel and will eventually realize what's going on with him.

I am glad my mom left. It sent the message that it wasn't ok anymore and that we deserved better than to watch her rot away over my dad who didn't give a rat's patoot until it was too late.

[HollyBearsMom]

My dad was hard working functioning alcoholic which is why it took me to my late teens to even think something was different and until my 20's to recognize it.

Growing up my dad was the first one up. He made my breakfast and got me ready for school. He made sure my teeth were brushed, my coat was on and my lunch was packed.

At night he made dinner and put me to bed until I started staying up past 8 or 9. Then he always went to be "early" because he had to be up "early".

I never questioned why I couldnt have a sip of his "juice" or why during the summers he often came home for a few hours during the day.

Bottom line- he was a ranging alcoholic who turned abusive to my mom in his 70's. I didn't bring my son to see him often and when he died it was relief.

But as sad as it my sound I had a very happy childhood...

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by Mrs. Turner

Question - If you have/had an alcoholic father who was NOT physically or verbally/emotionally abusive, and your parents stayed together, are you happy about that? Would you have preferred it if your mother had divorced him, if so why? What was it like for you?

My father was actually more pleasant when drunk than not, and my mother was a horror... if they had divorced, I think I would have been worse off because I would have gone with my mother.

[primjillie]

My father was alcoholic, but didn't get abusive until I was a young adult. He was verbally abusive to all of us and physically abusive to my mother. Luckily, he wasn't very strong so he never hurt her. But the emotional damage was intense to all of us. My mother wouldn't divorce him since she was afraid he would throw away his half of their assets and that she wouldn't inherit if he died. He passed away 17 years ago and I have to say that while I miss the father he was when I was young, he was a miserable father and grandfather as he got older. Not surprisingly, I married an alcoholic that was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. We are divorcing now for the second time and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Even though he finally stopped drinking, the damage was done. Now that we are split, he is drinking again. I would never ever get involved with someone with a drinking problem again. I have heard all the excuses, the lies, and the promises and 99 percent of the time, they mean absolutely nothing. I wish you the best of luck, either road isn't easy. You've got to think of your happiness and your children's well being.

[Areia]

I'm so sorry you and your children are going through this. Many hugs to all of you.

Originally Posted by Kelly1101

My dad is an alcoholic. He is not abusive, although my parents DID fight, sometimes loudly. It just wasn't a case of him bullying her or anything like that, just a case of them arguing (my mother was never scared that he would hit her or anything like that, he's not a violent person, and he never abused her self-esteem or anything).
.

Quoted by HollyBearsMom: My dad was hard working functioning alcoholic which is why it took me to my late teens to even think something was different and until my 20's to recognize

These 2 statements describe my Dad to a T. In fact, if you'd asked me when I was a kid if my dad was an alcoholic, I would have said "No, he drinks alot but never misses work."

He worked 8am to 4pm, went right to his favorite bar and didn't come home until midnight or later. He did lots of unsafe things, like driving drunk. I spent most nights up late worried about him and could tell by how he parked the car in the driveway (right near my bedroom window) how drunk he was. He and my mom argued CONSTANTLY and honestly it was horrible, I never had friends over unless their dads drank too (and just randomly passed out on the couch) and like others have said, it was super tense. I spent most of my childhood wishing they'd get divorced and would even tell my mom she could use the money in my savings account if she had to.

He never hit or belittled any of us and was a "happy drunk" but even that had lots of wierdness to it. Like, he'd come home at night and be hungry and want to eat, but knew better than to wake up my mom, so he'd come get me and have me make bacon and eggs. Sometimes he brought a couple of friends with him and I'd be up at midnight feeding them all. I didn't tell my mom for the longest time because I didn't want to cause more trouble between them, but one night my dad passed out after eating and his 2 friends wouldn't leave. They were not being violent or threatening at all, these are guys I knew my whole life - they just wanted to watch TV and were really chatty - asking about school, etc, but I couldn't go to bed and leave them alone so I eventually woke my mom up. The next day she had a huge blow out with my dad (we heard the whole fight) asking him what he would have done if he woken up and found that those guys had hurt me.

That, and having a friend arrested and jailed for drunk driving, was a wake up call for him. He didn't stop overnight, but he cut back a lot and eventually things got a lot better. For the past 15 years or so, he sometimes has wine with dinner, but otherwise doesn't drink. In fact during allergy season, he doesn't drink at all due to his meds.

My parents never divorced and have gone on to have a really good relationship with lots of happy times. I'm happy about this now, but when I was a kid, I often wished he'd just go away.

My siblings were a lot younger at this time and they don't really remember the super bad times, they remember "funny dad" who'd be too drunk to remove his shoes so he'd give them each $10 to remove a shoe. Wasn't that cool!

My dad and I have had our rough spots, but we are in a good place now. I've always loved, loved and been super close to my mom. As I grew older, we talked a lot about those times and I know that her decisions were based on the situation at the time and what she thought was best for us.