Weighing the pros and cons of working outside of home. Advice?

[saffrongirl]

My baby is now 9 weeks old. I also have an almost-5-year-old. Before the baby was born, I worked about 15 hours per week at a non-profit and while I was at work, dd 1 was at preschool. FWIW, I worked from home when she was a baby (until she was about 2 years old).

Now that I've had the baby, I have arranged to just work ~8 hours per week (two four hour stints) outside of the house and a few more from home. While I'm at work, the 5 year old is at school and the baby is with my mom. I've done this for two weeks now and just the logistical work necessary to get everyone where they are supposed to be, make sure the baby is fed, remember milk for when I'm away from her, remember the pump for when I'm at work, etc. is exhausting.

Also, each time I've left, the baby has refused to eat for longer and longer amounts of time. The first time, she waited about two hours and just ate 1.5 oz. The second time, she screamed and screamed and finally ate about 3 oz after 3.5 hours. Third time, she waited almost four hours and ate 3 oz. She's generally pretty laid back - does like to be held and moved around but not usually just screaming. My mom said that when I leave she seems like she's angry. Her body is more rigid and it feels like she's "holding out" to eat until I get home. My mom has said she just doesn't know if it's worth it to do all this for only 8 hours per week since the baby is only this small once, etc.

I also read a study awhile ago about how babies at this age don't understand that people come back and when a person leaves (especially their mother), they get scared and freaked out that you're not coming back. I don't remember where I read the study or how reputable a source it came from though.

Now obviously I don't want my baby to be hungry or scared or sad or any of that. However, I also know that going to work for me is really, really great for my sanity. I can focus on something outside of just mothering/home and the work I do is generally really rewarding. I know that when I worked from home with my first dd, I was grateful to be home with her, but I also felt really stressed and cooped up. I questioned who I had become and who I was outside of MOM. It was a really hard time and though I was home with her, technically I don't know if I was as present as I feel I can be with second dd because I feel purposeful outside of being MOM. Also, it's only 8 hours per week...

But then I'm back to the baby feeling sad and abandoned...this is such a struggle right now and I'm not sure what the "right" thing to do is. Do I just stay home, trying not to feel alone and one-faceted, knowing that this IS such a short time and it'll all pass quickly? Or do I go to work knowing that it's only 8 hours per week and baby is with people who love her (gma/gpa) when I'm away and she'll be "okay"?

[fawnanddoe]

I think that you should continue going to work for 8 hours a week. Your baby will be ok! It's really only 8 hours and like you said, that 8 hours provides you with your sanity.

If you were to stay home you would probably start feeling like you did before. So I say stick with it. Your babe will be ok and grandma and grandpa love spending that 8 hours a week with lo

[Icehockey18]

Originally Posted by fawnanddoe

I think that you should continue going to work for 8 hours a week. Your baby will be ok! It's really only 8 hours and like you said, that 8 hours provides you with your sanity.

If you were to stay home you would probably start feeling like you did before. So I say stick with it. Your babe will be ok and grandma and grandpa love spending that 8 hours a week with lo

I agree. I have to work and I HATE leaving my ds, but he is with my mom, so that helps some- I wish I had a choice though . But if the 8 hrs (that really isn't too much) gives you some sanity, it will probably be better for your lo in the long run. If that time away can recharge you, then you will be a better mom when you are with your lo.

[Kelly1101]

Well, as long as the baby is being cared for by someone loving, there won't be any real harm. And if you really need that time out to recharge so that you can give it your all when you're with the kids, it's worth it.

However, if you're really worried, you could always try to compromise... maybe give it another month. Or, work every other week rather than every week, if that would be possible. That way, you'd alternate weeks of feeling better because you got out of the house, with weeks of feeling better because you didn't have to go through the hassling/worrying schedule of working.

[Mamabeakley]

I think you could experiment with some more options. DS1 was pretty high needs, and I WOH ~30 hrs/wk when he was an infant. But, DH or MIL came with us - bringing him to me when he needed me, playing w/him in another room when he didn't. Till he was almost 2! I have no idea what your workplace is like, but many non-profits are pretty kid-friendly. We did the same thing when DS2 was a baby, but he was ready to be away from me much sooner, due to his personality & having DS1 to watch for entertainment - by 10 mo or so they would go off w/out me for 2 - 3 hours. Now I am working 3 days a wek, but from home all except 1 3 hour shift/wk, and DD is with me/with DH & her brothers if they are home.

Other ideas: could you work shorter shifts (4 2 hour shifts?) Could baby come see you in the middle?

[kdtmom2be]

yeah, can your mom come to you instead of you taking the baby to her? Then you can work from home and baby can feed when needed but you don't have to keep her entertained. I agree about the WOH stuff though, if it makes you saner and a better mother, then I'd keep doing it (I DO in fact!) and baby will learn that you do come back and everything will be fine. Don't beat yourself up about it. Sometimes it's better for your family as a whole to put yourself first once in a while. That is a hard lesson that I am very slowly learning!

[em123]

Another vote to keep working. I am like you, and feel like I need to work, if only a few hours each week. I've been doing it now for 8 months, and I have to say that what your baby is going through now will change drastically within a few weeks. We've had both extremes: all-day eating strikes and all day laughing fests where he eats twice as much for her as he would for me and is all smiles.

Now he love love loves his caregiver, eats tons, and is an easygoing, social baby. I think his time with a third provider (aside from my husband and myself) has helped to created a social, easy going baby who is comfortable around most everyone.

I don't buy for a second that she doesn't know that you're coming back, and in the long run it makes sense to stick it out for yourself. It only gets easier! If it doesn't, then that will sway you the other way.

[OTMomma]

Ok to approach this from how stressful is this for you baby- according to my college psychology classes- babies aren't confident about people who leave them returning until they are old enough to play peek a boo. You disapppear behind the baby blanket and pop back out and smile at a 2 month old and the baby looks at you like wth? you do this with a 6 month old and the baby laughs. What's the difference? Cognitive development- the older baby knows mom is behind the blanket and finds it funny, the smaller baby wonders where you went.

From the point of physical development, right now it sounds like your baby needs to eat every 2 hours- but in another month or 2 your baby will probably have no trouble just not nursing while you are away- thus no need to worry about her taking a bottle.

Due to those reasons, I chose not to work when my babies were so small. In your case, either way your baby is going to get older, and thus the working out of the home will be easier on her. If your job will let you take another month off for maternity leave until she matures more, that may be the least stressful on all of you- many moms don't go back to work for 12 weeks or see if you can work from home for a month or 2.

My oldest dd freaked out when I tried to leave her with anyone for anything at 3 months, but by 6 months she was fine to stay with my mom for a few hours and she got better and better as she got older.

Your job sounds like a great arrangement for a mom- so I hope you find the right solution for you and your family.

Peace,

[wombatclay]

Moving to Working & Student Parents for more BTDT advice... Good luck with your decision. It can be so hard finding the right balance, especially when things change so quickly (and so much) in the first year.

[annekevdbroek]

Originally Posted by OTMomma

Ok to approach this from how stressful is this for you baby- according to my college psychology classes- babies aren't confident about people who leave them returning until they are old enough to play peek a boo. You disapppear behind the baby blanket and pop back out and smile at a 2 month old and the baby looks at you like wth? you do this with a 6 month old and the baby laughs. What's the difference? Cognitive development- the older baby knows mom is behind the blanket and finds it funny, the smaller baby wonders where you went.

Those theories were based on Piaget's research on cognitive developement. More recent research has suggested that babies are a bit more sophisiticated in their cognitive functioning, but have limited ability to demonstrate their thinking (e.g. a 2 month old isn't all that good at laughing, but doesn't mean that they don't understand that people continue to exisit outside of their direct view).

I worked similarly when my eldest was young (a bit older) and he was fine and it was good for me. Eight hours per week is a tiny sliver of time out of all the time you spend with baby.

[tnh2007]

I also agree that if you enjoy working, then keep doing it!!! You being a happy and relaxed mama will be beneficial to your lo as well. I know that it is stressful when they don't want to eat. But, my experience with ds showed that if he didn't eat much at daycare during the day, he totally made up for it when we were together and would nurse a lot! He was a little older though, so I don't know how much of a difference that makes. I also feel like you are very fortunate that your lo is with grandma and grandpa, cause you know that he is going to get the very best! (besides you!)
Good luck with your decision!