This is a topic worth discussing here, as a fear that this might happen is probably a consideration for some parents, when deciding whether to circumcise or not.
In my case, this is not a hypothetical question. I have two intact sons now in their 20s, and a while back had the interesting parenting experience of the younger, then-15-year-old announcing that he wanted to get circumcised. (BTW, the older one never brought this up at all).
The main steps I went through in dealing with his request were:
1) trying to ascertain his reasons/concerns (which at the time were rather sketchy), and praising him for having the courage to bring up a difficult topic,
2) thoroughly educating myself about the foreskin and circumcision on the Internet, several months of research (interestingly, this event, and what I learned so I could educate him about it, is in fact what catapulted me into intactivism),
3) having a supportive but detailed discussion with him about practically every issue that would be relevant to him being fully informed about the foreskin, the procedure, and the possible results/implications of its removal (including what is known about potential effects on sexual functioning), also why we had not had him circumcised as a baby,
4) acknowledging and exploring some issues with regard to peer pressure and body-insecurity in re: sexuality and conformity during the teen years, and reinforcing a positive view of his wholeness,
5) telling him that he could get circumcised once he could legally sign for fully informed consent himself (i.e. not till he was 18), and furthermore that he could pay for it himself. As the foreskin is a normal, healthy part of the body, I do not consider parent-paid cosmetic circumcision to be one of the things I am ethically obligated to provide my child. (Obviously, a true medical indication would be a different story.)
This may sound kind of heavy-handed, but it was all done in a very supportive way. I admit that I can be a blunt person, but I believe I know how to talk to my children so that they feel their concerns are appreciated and heard. I also feel pretty comfortable in taking the parent role of saying "no" lovingly when I feel that it's the right thing.
Although I thought I had been a very open parent about sexuality issues (I am a nurse), it turns out that my son really knew very little about his foreskin or the procedure, and once he had the information, it became a non-issue. Since then he has done his own research on the Internet (I did not bias him with any particular suggested sites), and now at 23 years old he is all the more clear about this, and still intact. He recently told me that the main reason he wanted to get circumcised was because he was afraid of what girls might think. But he told me that he and his long-time girlfriend (now fiancee) talked about him being intact when they first got together, and they decided it was a non-issue and that any woman who would act as if it were, would be pretty shallow. In fact, he is very supportive of my intactivism. And he has since thanked me for leaving him intact.
Some further thoughts:
A young teen is going to be going through all kinds of immature thinking about issues in his life; this age is a time when peer pressure and body insecurity can be the strongest. In my opinion, if a son requests to be circumcised, it is not a time for parents to waffle and back down from the challenging job of lovingly teaching and emotionally supporting an intact boy, saying "It's his decision" too soon. Parents of minors need to realize that the child may not really be able to understand the full implications of his choice, and that he may likely feel very differently when he is older and ready to be sexually active, at which point it will be too late to undo. It is necessary to protect the child's right to intactness by giving him time to mature, so that whatever his choice later, it will be made when he is past the danger time of peer pressure and adolescent angst. Circumcision irreversibly changes not only the appearance but also the function of the penis forever, and is not a choice to be undertaken lightly.
I think dads really need to get on board with support, in the unlikely occurrence that his son requests circumcision. A father needs to be well-informed about issues surrounding circumcision in our culture and about the foreskin, so he can buy into the value of supporting the boy in staying intact, not just be passive and uncommitted about the initial decision. My husband (circumcised) has never seen any good reason for doing it, and as he has learned more about circumcision he has had to do some grieving about it. He says although he really has nothing to compare to, he wishes he hadn't been circumcised, and that he wishes he'd had a choice about it. My son was able to talk to him about it more freely than with me for many years, and I think it was a good support that my son has heard from his Dad that he (my husband) wishes he weren't circumcised.
It bears repeating that the likelihood of an intact child ever regretting not having part of his penis cut off as a baby is probably quite low, certainly practically non-existant in countries where circumcision is not practiced and not even considered. It is perhaps more likely to come up in a country, such as ours, which has a history of a higher prevalence of circumcision, out of the need to conform that some may feel. As we raise our sons in a circumcising culture, we need to teach them about their marvelous bodies, and give them a strong sense of self-esteem, for the rare case when some of a particular temperament might feel cultural pressures about the preferability of circumcision. The more informed parents are, the more comfortable and confident they can be in raising a child intact, despite the pressures that exist within the culture. Knowledge and loving support can go a long way toward handling the parenting surprises that sometimes come our way!
Gillian
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