How to explain the seeming "immodesty" of allowing children to see the birth

[Thankful'n'Blessed]

I've been wondering about this a lot lately. I'm usually a very modest person, and very private. I don't want anyone but DH with me during birth, which I admit is a little weird since I'm very close to my Mom and have several close friends. I just don't want them there during birth. However, I do want my kids there. I want to teach them that birth is natural and normal, not something to be afraid of. So I want them to be there and see how normal it can be. But I don't know how to explain the fact that I am suddenly going to be "immodest", if you can call it that!

DS1 will be 4 when this baby's born and DS2 will be 1.5. With DS2's birth, we had DS1 home with us, but his nap ended up falling about the time I went into hard labor and he woke as the baby was being born. It was perfect, because right at the time that I started to want DH's undivided attention, DS needed his nap.

I also don't know how I'm going to explain that I had my kids with me, but my Mom wasn't invited/welcome.

Any thoughts or experiences to share?

[HisBeautifulWife]

I don't understand why anyone would want their mom, dad, father in law, mother in law, or anyone else looking at their parts so I guess I am not the one to ask...

Why do you even have to explain it? You aren't comfortable with your mom or any friends being there- period. You don't have to be nasty about it, but you also don't have to stress yourself out writing a thesis to explain it.

Did your mom even express interest in being there? If she did, "I appreciate the offer but I am not comfortable with that" should suffice.

[Thankful'n'Blessed]

Thankfully, my mom has always been very understanding about not being invited to any of my births. I know she would LOVE to be there, but she knows me and understands that it just wouldn't be "me" to have her/others there. I guess I'm just not sure how to explain how I can be so private that she can't come, but my children, who are both boys, I actually want there. And more importantly, where all my modesty went. I guess modesty just kind of goes out the window when you're having a baby. I think I'm really just coming to terms with it all myself too, kwim? I really want my kids there, but it doesn't make logical sense, even to myself, yet I guess. I mean, is it wrong from a modesty standpoint to have them there?!?

[Marlet]

I may be the wrong person to ask here but children are different than adults. I don't see how having a baby and having your children there suddenly equates to not being modest. Your kids (regardless of gender here) are young. They aren't going to be sitting there wondering why you are being "immodest". Immodest, by definition, is more of a sexual thing. You aren't being immodest by having your children there. If it's really an issue/concern for you though there are ways to remain as modest as you want. You don't have to suddenly be buck naked and thrashing just because you are having a baby.

I wouldn't offer a reason as to why your mom isn't invited (or anyone else for that matter). It was always weird to me that others had their whole family there. Some things just need an extended audience.

[prescottchels]

I don't think it has to be about modesty... You want only your immediate/nuclear family to be there and that's that.
From all the UC birth stories I've read that seems pretty common
It's not your job to worry about what others will think about that choice. It's your job to make that need known to the appropriate people and to finish baking your baby!
Good luck!!

[basje]

I think the purpose that you want your children there, is a good explination if you feel you must give one to your mother. You want them there to teach them about birth, so that later if they have children they will have a unmedicalized understanding that it is normal, healthy and not something to be afraid of. Your parenting!

I've also made the choice to use my UC as a platform for birth education. I am the first of my friends to get pregnant and have invited a few who want to have children in the future to come a watch so that when they have their babies they can also have an understanding about birth that is normal, healthy and not something to be afraid of.

As for the modesty issue, although personally I the nude beach type, I have a suggestion about talking about this value to your children. Likey you will talk to them about birth before your labor, and where the baby comes out of and what that might look like (white gooy stuff on the baby and maybe some blood). Talk to you children about how this is what women's bodies are made to do, and there is not shame in birthing, we all come into this world naked, and birth babies without pants on. Birth is a special, personal experince and one of the times that it is normal and good not to wear clothes. They'll get it, just be clear and talk to them about it.

[onelilguysmommy]

I've never understood why people want their whole family staring at them spread wide open either
I mean I'm not saying it is bad but it would freak me out personally! My kids were with me birthing though.
I also wasn't spread wide open laying back with them between my legs staring!

[Kidzaplenty]

I am a very modest person. I just tell my youngest (the olders know already) that I have a "special door" that opens when the baby is ready to come out. And that I will show them when the time is right. They usually still think "butt" after they watch, but I just keep telling them otherwise.

I don't worry about telling them too much before hand. They have all watched me nurse my babies, so they are comfortable with seeing quite a bit of me, even if I keep it fairly well covered. But once they see the baby coming, all thoughts of "Mommy's body" go right out the window and they are focused on the baby "popping out".

[LVale]

Well I had 2 totally unmedicated hospital births in 1977 and 1980. I did not want any one else there except my husband (I did have 1 nurse and the doctor). Giving birth to me is a very private moment only to be shared between myself and my husband. I do not till this day do well when other people are around me if I am sick and or in pain. When I had ds2, I sent ds1 to his aunt's. I just could not relax if he saw me in labor. Luckily for me no one asked to be present for the births, but if they had the answer would have been a resounding NO!

[Sheryl1678]

I am a big believer in birthing vertically and wearing a birth skirt or something else during birth. I actually ended up giving birth into (very large) maternity sweatpants during my UC because my mom was there and I didnt want to labor naked with her in the house.

I would absolutely want my children there but I don't see the crowning as "the birth" that they need to see. That is all that hospital birth has been reduced to and the whole birth experience is so much more than to me. in other words, I think people can easily attend a homebirth without showing them the graphic details.

[Kidzaplenty]

Originally Posted by Sheryl1678

I would absolutely want my children there but I don't see the crowning as "the birth" that they need to see. That is all that hospital birth has been reduced to and the whole birth experience is so much more than to me. in other words, I think people can easily attend a homebirth without showing them the graphic details.

What exactly would "the birth" be to you, for your children, if you did not want them to see the crowning and subsequent "sliding out" of the baby? (Not being snarky, just really curious.)

[Lizbiz]

In answer to your question - your desire to have your children present seems to have little to do with modesty, and more to do with wanting your children to be present for the birth of their sibling. Family is a sacred thing - especially our own children: you want to give your sons the gift of seeing their new little bro or sister into the world. That is wonderful.

And yes, I agree with a PP - little ones do not have adult mindsets about the body and modesty - so no worries - it's not the same as inviting your neighbor or another adult to view the birth. Children are just kids, and even if they were teens - being part of the birth of a sibling can be beautiful and wonderful. Sounds like Kidzaplenty has great things to say about that!

I am not hypersensitive about being naked (when appropriate) - and especially in labor - I spent the large majority of time in labor with my son naked. I'll probably do the same here in a few weeks. My son is totally accustomed to his naked mommy and I don't see anything wrong with that and he hardly notices it seems (other than to note that we are "different" - he and I! he gets that I don't have a penis and he does). He's 27 months old and nursed until about 3 months ago - so anyway - all that to say - I see nothing wrong with your sentiments. I also would not want my parents there, and very likely few others... I view birth as very private and sacred - and frankly need my space from everybody save a very few to do it.

Do what you feel is best for your family - and don't worry about explaining it.

[gossamerwindweb]

My opinion is that your children (at 4 years old and 1 1/2) are practically babies themselves! The likelihood that they will even remember this birth is pretty low. Adults at a birth and children at a birth are completely different things. I am not a modest person in general, so maybe I am not the one to ask.

[zoebird]

i have discovered that a lot of things in birth, and in life in general, are not logical, nor do they have to be logical to be valid.

this iss the way you *feel*, and you can feel any way you want, and that's enough. if you also feel that you need to be logical about it, i'm sure you'll find the logic that works for you.

for me, hawk came out that way, so he's been there-done that, and thus wouldn't be seeing anythign new. LOL

[Usually Curious]

My 15yos and 10yos son were at my birth (so was my 16yod, but she was helping with the business end). I had my dh open the bedroom door and my butt was facing away from the door. All they saw and felt was the excitement and seeing their dad catch the baby and give him to me.

It was life changing for my 15yos. The relationship that he has with his 3.5yo brother is amazing.

It was not immodest at all because we made sure that it was not. Just because you want them there does not mean they have to be down there staring at your vagina.

[tuppence]

Originally Posted by Kidzaplenty

I am a very modest person. I just tell my youngest (the olders know already) that I have a "special door" that opens when the baby is ready to come out. And that I will show them when the time is right. They usually still think "butt" after they watch, but I just keep telling them otherwise.

I don't worry about telling them too much before hand. They have all watched me nurse my babies, so they are comfortable with seeing quite a bit of me, even if I keep it fairly well covered. But once they see the baby coming, all thoughts of "Mommy's body" go right out the window and they are focused on the baby "popping out".

A special door? Like a revolving door or the elizabeth arden red door? I wonder what sort of massive biological inaccuracy kids picture after info like that. I can just see a thirteen year old, "No, no, we didn't have sex, I never opened my special door."

I mean, my kids have never seen mine but they know the names for the parts and how it all works.

[UCmamaToMany]

Firstly I love passing around this little fun digital online German book of where babies come from. http://www.planetdan.net/pics/babies/index.htm Aside from the birth taking place in a hospital both doctor and dad are far away from the vagina when the baby comes out anyways, LOL It's just funny but child friendly in easily explaining things.

Secondly, I have never had a parent present for a birth. My first home birth I had 2 friends there and one was doula trained and the other was a midwife assistant and it didn't bother me to have them there at all.

I am one who needs half her body to be covered to feel "modest". I can't be fully naked I either need my top half covered or my bottom half covered to feel "modest". I usually always birth with a jogging bra on. When I get out of the birthing pool and get set up to nurse I usually have my post partum gear on the bottom along with shorts and I am topless snuggling & nursing with baby.

I've had children present for my births but like others said they didn't have "front row seats" to the show, LOL. My last birth I only had my older daughters in the room when I birthed. The others slept through it because it was early early morning and I didn't want to wake them any earlier than I needed to.

My 2 oldest daughters are excited to be present at this birth too and I love being able to show them just how natural birth is and that they can birth at home too. Depending on the time of the birth we'll see if the younger ones will be present or not. Since this will probably be the last one I am more apt to believe we will wake them if that is the case so they can be there for the birth too.

I'm just thankful my mom doesn't live close enough to even want to be present at my births. She's gone to some of my sister's. She flew in and everything for theirs, but me, her oldest, nope. Always too busy or "not the right time". Fine by me, I don't need her. I have my husband and that's all I need.

[Kidzaplenty]

Originally Posted by tuppence

A special door? Like a revolving door or the elizabeth arden red door? I wonder what sort of massive biological inaccuracy kids picture after info like that. I can just see a thirteen year old, "No, no, we didn't have sex, I never opened my special door."

I mean, my kids have never seen mine but they know the names for the parts and how it all works.

Um, my children also know the names of the parts and how it all works (at least my Olders do). When I said I explained that I had a "special door" I was not talking about my 13 year olds, I was talking about my 3-5 year olds. No where near each other in abilty of understanding terms and actual usages (especially when they can not be seen or touched by them).

And the cervix is a door that must be opened (dialated) for the baby to come out (vaginally, anyways). So, I am being accurate, just speaking in terms the YOUNG child can understand.

[Kidzaplenty]

Originally Posted by UCmamaToMany

Firstly I love passing around this little fun digital online German book of where babies come from. http://www.planetdan.net/pics/babies/index.htm Aside from the birth taking place in a hospital both doctor and dad are far away from the vagina when the baby comes out anyways, LOL It's just funny but child friendly in easily explaining things.

Thanks for that link.

It is really cute. But I especially had to when I got to the delivery page! Looked like a cute alien. (I hope that does not offend. It was just the impression I got.)

[UCmamaToMany]

Originally Posted by Kidzaplenty

Thanks for that link.

It is really cute. But I especially had to when I got to the delivery page! Looked like a cute alien. (I hope that does not offend. It was just the impression I got.)

My kids LAUGH so hard when they see that. It really is the funniest part of the whole book.

You got to love the fact she births naked with absolutely no help as the men folk stand idly by watching and she even breastfeeds at the end.

ETA: I made up my own story for the pictures though.

I also wanted to state that I've always used proper body names from the time they were small. My 2yo calls his penis a penis and my 3yo calls her vagina a vagina. I guess I may get too technical for their age, but I don't like using fake words or imagery and I will use pictures if I have to.

My 5yo has been reading since he was 2 and he loves the body book. All of my kids seem to focus on the "baby" page and how it all works. I prefer teaching from the beginning and not changing my story as they age.

Of course I simplify birth for younger ones verses older ones but I don't use fake words. Again my 2¢ take it or leave it.