Bringing kids to see g-ma in the hossy--traumatic, or...?

[Krystal323]

My mother's in the hospital, and I'm not sure she's going to come out of this one. Among other things, her hip is broken and now she's had a stroke. This has all happened suddenly, and so my kids have not seen her yet (we live close, and the kids are used to seeing her at least every week).

At first, I thought to spare the kids the trauma of seeing grandma in such a state, thinking she'd be doing better very soon. Now I'm not so sure she will be coming home, and I am torn. I think it might do my mom good to see the kids, but she might not even recognize them or be able to respond. She's on a lot of meds, and they don't know the extent of the stroke damage yet. I don't want the kids to be scared, and I don't want this miserable image of my mom burned into their minds, especially if she doesn't make it.

My kids are 10, 7, and 2 (plus the baby ), and my 10yo especially is very intuitive and empathetic--I know it'd tear them up to see her like this. But on the other hand, what if this is it, and they never get to say goodbye to her? :

WWYD?

[~pi]

I'm so sorry about your mom.

I would definitely take your children to the hospital to visit her.

[meemee]

definitely take them for sure.

remember they need to process it too.

and esp. your 10 year old and 7 year old might be upset if not given the chance to say goodbye.

they are going to be sad either way. so you cant keep pain from them. but at least they will have closure.

children are far more resilient than they appear.

at 5 my dd helped take care of her gparents AND hold their hand as they passed and then wash their body. its been a year and a half and she still cries for them. at TG when raising a toast for all who werent there at the table my dd raised a toast to her gparents. however taking care of her gparents definitely helped her with her grief.

mama my heart breaks for you. while everyone is out celebrating you are saying goodbye.

be there as much as you can. it really helps you too.

[Marylizah]

I'm still sad that I wasn't allowed to visit my grandfathers in the hospital before they died.

I would take your children to see her.

And many, many hugs, I'm so sorry mama.

[GoestoShow]

.

Edited by GoestoShow - 1/3/11 at 12:19pm

[Barefoot~Baker]

I would take them too. I remember seeing my grandfather in the hospital before he died, I was older than your kids (15) but I'm so glad I was there. He was in the ICU, so many machines, he couldn't speak, but I could see in his eyes as he held my hand that he knew me.

I took my girls, they were 3&5 at the time to visit a relative in the hospital. They had a ball! It was quite an adventure for them and they ended up singing songs for my aunt. It cheered everyone up!

I'm so sorry. I hope she pulls through

[Ofwait]

Take them....

7 and 10 especially are old enough to understand what is going on. Explain before taking them, but they will appreciate it.

[ChristyMarie]

Take them.

We took DS who was 18 months to see my Grandmother several times. It brightened her day to see him - and provided a nice distraction to everyone there. The hospital did have an enclosed lounge area down the hall we could take him to as well which was nice when he needed to be out of the room.

[elmh23]

I would take them, but make sure to call the hospital first and make sure it's allowed. A lot of hospitals have a no one under 14 or 18 rule unless they're patients because of H1N1.

[shanniesue2]

I would take them... I think it would be a lot harder for them to understand if your mom doesn't make it and they didn't get to see her again. Although I would explain before hand that she is on medication and she looks very sick. That way it won't shock them to see her so sick. You might also come up with some kind of something that the kids can make for their g-ma so that they can feel like they've done something for her. It might bring some cheer to the room and make your mom feel a little better.

Lots of hugs to you and prayers for peace in your family during this time.

[beanma]

I also vote to take them.

I did not go see my grandmother when she passed when I was a self-absorbed 14 year old and have always regretted it.

My father has been in a nursing home for the past 7 years and in the hospital before that. My kids have always been to see him. They don't particularly love the nursing home and think it's a little boring, but they don't seem to really mind. I think it's good for my mom and dad both.

I hope your mom improves and comes back home soon. Good thoughts going your way .

[orangefoot]

Do take them. I didn't take my boys to see my dad when he was in hospital because I didn't think I needed to.

I didn't think he was going to die and neither did his surgeons. He died suddenly 3 days later and my boys didn't get to see him.

[~Boudicca~]

I'd take them.

We went last year when my grampa was very and it didn't look likely to come out (alive). DD1 was 5 and dd2 was just shy of 2.

I'm glad we went and it really cheered up my grandparents.

My whole family did get horrendously sick though, just a few days later, and I honestly wonder if it could have been swine flu. I totally blame the hospital germs.

[Chryseis]

Take them. Some of my fondest memories of my grandfather were from when he was in the hospital. I was very young and I don't recall it scaring me at all. The nurses used to look the other way because it made my grandfather so happy.

However, do call the hospital first to see if you can take them. All of our hospitals are banning children due to H1N1. My husband and children were sent away at 2 a.m. the other night when I had to make an emergency trip to the ER. And nobody was very polite about it.

[jeanine123]

I'd explain to them what happened to grandma and what kind of shape she is in now. Make sure they know that she may not recognize them and if she does, she may not be able to respond. Make sure they know that she will have quite a few wires and tubes on her and be hooked up to a lot of machines with lights and beeping, etc. Once they understand what they will see then I think you should ask them whether or not they want to go and then respect whatever decision they make. Your older two are old enough to be able to make this decision IMO.

My dad ended up in the hospital suddenly on life support after a brain aneurysm when I was 14. At first I was going to go and visit him with my aunt but after I thought about it for a few minutes I decided not to. I did not want my last memories of my father to be lying unconscious in a hospital bed with wires and machines surrounding him keeping him alive. That was not who he was, he was a healthy, energetic man who loved his horses and farm and life. It's been over 20 years now and I have not regretted that decision for one minute. I've also never been there when any of my grandparents died and I don't regret it. If any of them had asked for me to be there then I absolutely would have done whatever I could to be there. But that was never the case.

[Drummer's Wife]

without a doubt, I say take them

[dawningmama]

I agree with everyone else: take them. I think this:

I think people tend to regret the things they don't do more than the things they do do.

is really poignant and rings very true for me. It may very well be traumatic, but I still think the trauma of not having brought them would be more lasting and difficult, long term.

[choosewisdom]

Just wanted to add, my grandmother died when I was six. When my mom picked me up from school and told me, the first words out of my mouth, "Why didn't you take me to say goodbye?"

I'm sorry your mother is not doing well...

[eepster]

Definitely take them.

When I was little (over 30 years ago) my maternal grandpa had a heart attack, went to the hospital then died. In those days, children just weren't allowed in many hospitals unless they were patients. My grandmother also decided to do a small adults only funeral, so I didn't go to that either.

The whole thing was very confusing to me. GP just disappeared one day and no one would let me see him. It was extremely difficult.

My paternal grandmother went to the hospital about a year later. She was in a more progressive city hospital which allowed children to visit, unlike the suburban hospital GP went to. I visited her many times while she was there, and attended the funeral after she died.

Though obviously I wasn't happy that GM died, it wasn't confusing or scary like it had been with GP.

My mother died last year, and we let DS (2 yo at the time) see most of what went on. Very little was deliberately hidden from him. He was able to express his sadness, and say goodbye to my mom.

[flapjack]

We've spent long hours in the hospital whilst my FIL recovers from various illnesses and operations: kids are now 11, 9, 4 and 1.

Clear it with the nurses, and check and see if there's a relatives room on the ward and if there's any play facilities on the hospital site. Sometimes, it all gets a bit much and the kids need a break, IMO.

If your mum isn't conscious, explain why not, and if that's down to medication, explain that. Talk about the functions of the gadgets, particularly which ones are there for monitoring and which ones do a job. If she's on an air pressure mattress to prevent bed sores (and I'm assuming she is) you need to have the discussion about not messing with it because of the annoying alarm that goes off when 2yo's start trying to push the buttons on them.
Given the nature of your mum's condition, I think you also need to be prepared, in yourself, for the attention that your children will get from other patients. The chances are that there's going to be someone on the ward who is getting very forgetful and confused, but will get involved with your children on your way to or from your mum, and this may be scary for your kids if this is the first time they've seen dementia or alzheimers first hand- particularly scary, given the stroke. Expect questions, y'know?