venting, questioning...

[mmhinton]

Not sure if I just need to vent or if somewhere in all this I'll have a question, but here goes!
I know from reading on here that there are other mommas with similar stories, but here's mine at this time!

I have a 3 yr old who was a "difficult" infant (HIGH need, intense, etc) and is now a VERY spirited little boy. He didn't sleep more than 30-60 min at a time til he was about 13 months old (still nursing at that point). Then, he started sleeping, but by then I was 3-4 months preg with #2 and so I didn't sleep due to pregnancy (hormones, peeing, discomfort, etc). And ds1 self weaned at about 16 months - there was no milk left due to preg hormones and apparently he didn't like that!

I didn't think a baby/toddler could sleep worse than ds1....ds2 is proving me wrong! Ds2 is now 20 months and nursing still very frequently during the day - approx every 2-4 hours, though often he only seems to really EAT every 5-6 hours - the others nursies are apparently just comfort. We had started to night wean at about 13 months and had worked up to nursing to sleep then not til about 5 a.m...... but due to many different circumstances (his tear duct surgery, colds, etc) that only lasted about a week - he un night weaned and now back to nursing at least 3 times per night.

Ok, just the nursing at night would not bother me too much... but waking up and NOT nursing after saying he wants "muh" (milk) IS driving me NUTS! Current sleeping arrangement is ds1 and ds2 sharing a bed in their own room. But, then ds2 will wake up usually the first time at about midnight (goes down about 8-8:30) and won't nurse, but SCREAMS if not latched. Then, will ONLY go to sleep RIGHT up against me or DH in our bed. We bedshared / unlimited night nursed for about the first year (with both boys), but by then I'm ready for my own space in bed. But also, with ds2, my back and neck problems seemed to worsen and I could no longer comfortably nurse laying down and sleep. If I don't nurse him when he wakes the first time, he will just scream. Even if I do nurse him, he'll only go back to sleep with us and will still wake up again usually around 2 or 3 and 4 or 5. That, as well as ds1 waking to go potty, means very little sleep for me (even with dh helping with one or both boys).

My problem is that dh - who has been VERY supportive of bfing - keeps saying "it's not gonna get any better til he's weaned" or "just let him cry" and there are times (hormonal monthly times) that I HATE nursing him. BUT overall I KNOW he is NOT ready to wean and I am not ready to wean him.... HOWEVER I would like to night wean AND I / we HAVE to start to get more than 2-5 hours of sleep at night or momma will lose it!

So, I don't know what to do. We hoped that putting the boys in the same bed might help, but no luck. I don't know how to night wean ds2 - he just SCREAMS if he doesn't get to "nurse" (even if he doesn't want food - just comfort). We tried just putting him in our bed - wants MOMMA. Tried his own crib - climbs out (dangerous) and SCREAMS; now we are trying boys in a bed - but I can't just let ds2 scream because 1) I DO NOT like the idea of "crying it out" and 2) even if I was ok with that ds2 screaming would wake ds1

Alright, so that's my venting right now - whew! Anyone who has any ideas or strategies that worked for you - I'd love to hear it!

[lifeguard]

What happens if your dh goes in to settle him when he wakes in the night?

[pbjmama]

Yeah, that sounds pretty bad. Sleep deprivation + crying baby = my personal hell. IMO it is probably not related to nursing. Have you looked into other possibilities like sensory disorder, food intolerance/allergy, etc?

[mmhinton]

when we were initially trying to night wean (at about 13 months) ds2 would calm for DH... but often only with DH sleeping beside him (in a room separate from me). Now however, ds2 will rarely calm for DH and only wants MAMMA.

I take the boys regularly to our chiro/kinesio - ds1 has several food allergies / sensitivities, but ds2 doesn't - though I do plan to have him rechecked.

Mostly it is an issue of just being THAT attached to mommy - but, I don't know what to do about that at night! (last night, for example, he woke at 12:30, dh brought ds2 to our bed when he wouldn't calm, he latched but sucked only about 5-15 times each side, would only go back to sleep against me. often during the night when in our bed ds2 will move around in sleep and even put his head on my head - NOT a good way for me to sleep OR wake!!)

I am just at my wits end!!! I do attend our local LLL and have brought it up at mtg, but the response is usually that "he'll out grow this to".... well, yes, I do know that BUT I NEED SLEEP and my son to not SCREAM when not sleeping against me!

[SollysMom]

I'm beginning to feel/realize that there's just no way to nightwean a child who's that attached without tears, and sometimes A LOT of tears. We've tried several times with my 2-year-old, and have finally accepted defeat (which is very rough because I'm expecting another baby this month and it's painful/uncomfortable nursing in bed). I think if you believe it's really necessary, your best/only bet will be to do the Dr. Sears method of "crying in dad's arms". Is there another bedroom, apart from you or DS1, where DH can sleep with DS2 until he's successfully sleeping through the night?

ETA: I thought of another idea that has worked for me a couple times (not regularly) but may be worth a try. Sometimes when I'm just in too much pain to nurse lying down, I'll sit up in bed and nurse him that way. Then, and this can take a while, if he falls into a deep enough sleep sometimes I can unlatch him and lay him down (we still cosleep but you could try to transfer him to his own bed). Or, what I sometimes try is to gradually support his head less and less as he nurses while I sit up. This makes it "work" for him to stay latched on, and eventually (sometimes) he just gives up and unlatches himself to go to sleep. The latter method can be painful on the nipple though as it means a weak/pulling latch for a few minutes.

[3girls1boy]

What would be his reaction if you said that your breasts were sleeping? This worked to a certain extent, for me. I had a nightlight on a timer to go on early in the morning, and the kids were told that they could nurse once the light went on. Of course this wasn't always the easiest thing to deal with every night, but mostly it worked. All of my kids snuck into our bed for a pretty long time, but as long as they didn't wake me up, it wasn't too disruptive to my sleep.