DS's daycare a good fit for him, but not for me???

[Belia]

DS has been going to a local Montessori school since he was 12 months old. He was in the infant room for about 3 months, and moved over to the young toddler room about a month ago.

He really likes it there and his teachers are very caring. I have zero concerns about the environment from his point of view.

But......
I don't feel like its a good fit for me and, sort of I guess, our family.

I mean, we drive the crappiest cars there. A Honda Civic vs. Escalades, Lexuses, etc etc etc. I get kind of a "mean girl" vibe from the moms I've seen at events. Their big fundraiser is a ball that includes a silent auction and the items they are soliciting are UNBELIEVABLE. Gift certificates for restaurants that cost $$$$$$$, season tickets for professional sporting events, etc. And the kicker was I just read the "teacher gift giving policy" in the latest newsletter, and the maximum dollar amount they set is $50!

I taught elementary school for a number of years in a pretty wealthy area and I never received any gifts totalling that amount, let alone from a single child!!! It never occurred to me that a gift of that amount would even be in the realm of possibility.. I was sweating $5 Starbucks gift cards considering the number of teachers and aides DS sees every day.

I know that the $50 is not required, but the maximum allowed, but it just got me thinking that this school is not a good fit for me and my values. But it does seem to be a good fit for DS.

Should I consider making a change?

[madskye]

Not unless you see it begin to affect your child or yourself. Unless you have a place in mind, I think it would be really tough to find a daycare where the moms will be like you, drive cars like you, have the same expectations as to what's appropriate for gifts, fundraisers, lunches, snacks--we live in a big world and there wil always be people who are different than you.

My DD went to a kindercare, here in NJ, in a working class neighborhood with plenty of working class parents, as well as more well-off parents. I don't think they had a gift limit, but we did give $50 Amex Gift cards to his primary caregivers each Christmas. I am pretty willing to believe that some people give even more, some less.

For me, teaching elementary school is a very different thing than the women caring for my infant, sometimes all day long--I think that's where the big Christmas gifts come in. By Christmas, we were pretty overwhelmed with gratitude that we had found a place that took such good care of DD, loved her well, that she was happy to go to every day, that took so much stress of our plates when we were both working. By elementary school, the kids are older and a little more independent, or maybe I've gotten more used to the idea of school or daycare and am less emotional about it each year, too.

[Herausgeber]

I think you're overthinking it a bit.

Good schools cost a lot of money, and one way private schools raise that money is through community fundraisers like the one you describe. The businesses donate the gift certificates.and the school auctions them off to the community (not just the parents) to raise funds that help keep tuition low enough for non-wealthy kids to attend. If your school has any kind of subsidy or scholarship program, this is likely what funds it.

What values do you feel are out of sync, exactly? Do you think even people who have money to buy Escalades should only buy Civics? Or that people should never eat in fancy restaurants, even via a gift certificate they bought at a charity auction? Those are legitimate calls to make, of course, but are you sure that's the root of your discomfort?

Limiting teachers' gifts to $50 suggests GOOD values to me, not bad ones. They want to fight even the perception that people can buy the teachers' affection and attention.

I can see how this environment might make you feel self-conscious if you feel there's a signficant wealth gap between you and most of the community, but if it were me and I knew my kid was getting a great education, I think I'd focus on managing my own class anxieties and making sure my kid is exposed to diverse groups of people. The best schools tend to attract high income people, though, so I'm not sure you are likely to find one without the other.

[pammysue]

It sounds to me that the schools values are in line with yours, otherwise it would not be a good fit for your child. It is very likely the auction was put together, at least in part, by other parents (especially soliciting donations). The fact that the school put a limit on the gifts, shows their values, IMO. With the wealth it sounds like there is in the center, I am sure they have had outrageous gifts in the past.

Toddler age is a very difficult for children to make transitions, I would not move my DS unless there were more serious concerns.

[GuildJenn]

I would not personally move my child out of a caring situation that worked for him because I felt like I wasn't popular or rich enough our couldn't keep up with what the other parents were giving the teachers, no.

[LynnS6]

Read "Queen Bee Moms and King Pin Dads" if you're really feeling socially excluded (and not just uncomfortable by the income disparity).

If he's going to stay at this school for his elementary years, then the income difference might give me pause. I know kids who've been the poorest kid at a private school, and it's not been a positive experience for them. We also had friends who moved their child to a different (private) school because the values of the families weren't matching theirs.

[Qestia]

I sort of know what you mean, we live in a wealthy neighborhood, and sometimes I feel really out of place--like at a birthday party for a preschool friend who I didn't know at all--their "playroom" was larger than our entire condo. Still, they seem nice in general, and DS has a lot of good friends--so I'm realizing that a lot of my issues --are just that-- MY issues--and that they're prejudices, really. So if you're DC is happy, go with that.

[Belia]

Thank you for your thoughtful feedback, everyone.

Originally Posted by Herausgeber

What values do you feel are out of sync, exactly? Do you think even people who have money to buy Escalades should only buy Civics? Or that people should never eat in fancy restaurants, even via a gift certificate they bought at a charity auction? Those are legitimate calls to make, of course, but are you sure that's the root of your discomfort?

You know, I'm not even sure that the other folks are wealthier than us. It's just that they are flashier or showier than us, and that's where the "values disconnect" is that I'm talking about.

Like, we could probably go out and lease or finance a Lexus if we really wanted to, but our 2003 Civic works just fine, so Why change? And maybe I DO kind of think its wrong to buy an Escalade or a Lexus, just because. Or to keep up with the Joneses. Which is really odd for me to say because I usually try not to be "judge-y." Like, ever.

And I'm still floored at the thought of spending $50 per teacher.

[miriam_bat_avraham]

I'm a childcare toddler teacher and I can tell you... talk to the teachers! They probably don't know you're feeling this way and would love to help you feel more comfortable at this center. They're a resource, use them! It's our job!

[lach]

As the class mom in my DD's preschool, I had to write the letter soliciting donations for the class gift. I've never done this before, and so basically I made it all up. I was going to put that a recommended donation was $20, because I thought anyone whose child is in this school can spare $20. But then I felt sort of bad, like maybe this was short-changing the teachers. I don't know what they earn, but early childhood education isn't exactly known for fat paychecks. The holiday gift is probably a nice chunk of change, and if someone wanted to give more than $20, I didn't want them to feel limited by that suggestion. So in the letter I said that in the past most families give between $20 and $50.

Now, I totally lied there. I have no idea what most families give. No one told me. But I have some experience in development, and people respond better when you give them a suggestion. $20 seemed like a good amount to me: that's probably what I'll give as things are tight for us right now. And $50 seemed like quite a bit, but not totally outrageous. Especially since the gift will be split up between all of the teachers.

So that's just my story to put the $50 number into some sort of logical thought background. It's the number that I made up as being the maximum reasonable number, so I guess I think of it as being a maximum reasonable number. I mean, what can you really do with a $5 Starbucks gift card? That won't buy you much of anything.

As for the big cars, we drove a sedan until our second child was born. Then the double stroller took up the entire trunk and I couldn't even go grocery shopping. The front seat in front of the rear-facing carseat had to be pushed all the way forward, too, which made it impossible to drive. So we bought a new car. It's a minivan, but it is big and new and it was expensive. We didn't do this to be ostentatious. We did this because we needed a new car, and we test drove a bunch of them and this was the one that best fit our needs.