Should I say something?

[anne1140]

I've been wondering this for several weeks now, and it's heavy on my heart. I have several friends who have babies right now, and the vast majority are CIO. The latest makes me so sad and furious at the same time. Her son is 3.5 months old and has medical issues. He has stopped breathing on several occasions, with the latest landing him in the ICU in a medically induced coma. He was there for a week being poked, prodded, and everything else imaginable. He's home now, thank God, because he easily could have died.

His mother is on Facebook complaining of not being able to sleep. The comments she has gotten are incredibly disturbing. Two have said to let him CIO, and the other said maybe he was held too much in the hospital! I just can't believe this last statement. It's got to be one of the most absurd things I've ever heard.

My question is this: Should I say anything? I have another friend who is really struggling with this same thing, only her baby is 6 months and healthy, but he won't STTN, either, and when they make him CIO, he bangs his head against the crib over and over. I've really debated emailing her some information, and now this other mom, too.

HOWEVER...I do not have any children. I want them very badly, but have been trying unsuccessfully for two years. Because I don't have children, I am not taken seriously. I have tried before. I also don't want to start drama, but at the same time, I'm feeling more and more that CIO is a terrible, terrible thing.

Everyone, just about, around here does it. I don't think these moms know that they don't have to.

So what would you do? Would you be dismissive, or even upset, if a childless person tried to give you information on something parenting related?

ETA: Please don't tell me to drop these people as friends. If I did that, I would not have any friends. Besides that, I know they are not being malicious. This is just all they've been told.

[Ryatt]

Gosh, that's a tough one. I can say for myself that I have had a lot of helpful insight offered to me by ione of my best friends who doesn't have any kids. Despite the fact that she hasn't had to deal with countless sleepless nights, I really do value her thoughts and ideas. She may not have ever felt the frustration or sheer exhaustion of life with a baby who wakes up countless times through out the night, but that doesn't mean that she can't provide me with support and fresh ideas to what I've already been doing. She has reassured me when I was full of self-doubt. She looked stuff up for me when I was either too tired to do it myself, or just couldn't because my LO had to be contantly on the move. She offered to come over and watch my DS so I could nap and try to get caught up on sleep. She was a total life saver. ANd I never dismissed her because she didn't have kids. I think if you try to offer some thoughts in a non-threatening way, where it doesn't come off as preachy or judgemental, I hope that your friends will appreciate the support and ideas you are trying to offer. Reassure them that you know that they are dealing with something very difficult that only they can really understand, but that you just want to help them and their babies get through it the best way possible. You sound like a very caring person. so hopefully they'll see that it comes from a really good place. Good luck!

[Maluhia]

I'd comment that you are reading a bunch of books in prep for having kids (make a joke about yourself being a researcher) then say that "this No Cry Sleep Solution" seems to be really popular and successful!

[coraljean]

I second the suggestion about books. Maybe just give them a book as a present that advises a better way and say it is because you know they are struggling with that right now, saw the book and thought of them..

Coral Jean
Mama to Dylan 12/20/08

[DoopaMama]

I agree with coraljean and Maluhia: mention that you've been reading a lot and doing lots of research. just menion that while CIO might be all that has been suggested o them by ohers and doctors, there are other ways to help everyone sleep better and if nohing else it migh be worth a try. I always make a last noe tha all of the above is just my two cents, too.

[anne1140]

Thanks, everyone! I really appreciate the comments! I posted this same thing on another, more mainstream, message board, and although I did get some supportive advice, I received some hostility, as well.

I have been pouring over books and the internet for, gosh, three years now. I seriously have a library in my house. It's SO hard having to keep my mouth shut all the time!

[onyxravnos]

yup i agree maybe just give them some 'helpful books' Dr sears has a sleep book i believe or alternatively his The Baby Book with the co-sleeping section dog eared.

[lifeguard]

I just want to say I commisserate with you. It took us 6 years to conceive & during that time I often felt like I was worth nothing 'cause I wasn't a mother. I completely stopped having any discussions regarding children at all 'cause I was so sick of being completely shut down simply because I hadn't yet had a child.

Poor babes.