Hi! First time mom thinking about how this is all going to work

[rhiOrion]

Hello everyone!

I'm a first time mom, almost 23 weeks pregnant, and trying to start giving at least a little bit of thought to the logistics of returning to work.

I don't know ANYBODY IRL (at least not well) who has returned to work at 12 weeks unless a family member was watching their LO, so I just really don't know where to start.

I am taking the full 12 weeks of FMLA that I am entitled, so hopefully I can work until baby is ready to arrive so that I can spend that whole 12 weeks WITH a baby, not waiting for her.

As much as I think I'd love being a SAHM, it's just not going to happen, at least not any time soon. My income is half our income, and we need it. We have no family close enough for babysitting, so it'll have to be daycare.

I suppose that right this second what I need most is some reassurance from some BTDT people who can tell me that putting a 12 week old in daycare and working all day and pumping and all of that IS possible. That it is possible to have a great relationship with your child through all of that (as much as I love MDC, sometimes I feel like I'm going to be a terrible mother with terrible children just because I can't SAH). It seems SO overwhelming to me right now.

So... I just thought I'd stop in over here to get acquainted with you all, and see what info you might have to share.

[Alyantavid]

It's totally possible and women do it every day.

I went back to work with both my kids when they were 6 weeks. They did just go to a sitter's house, not daycare, which I was more comfortable with, but they did eventually start daycare.

Have you found someone to watch your baby? I'd probably start there. And find out about pumping at your job.

With mine, I nursed before and after work and we coslept, so they nursed most of the night. With my youngest, he reverse cycled for quite awhile, which worked out well because I wasn't pumping alot at the time.

Good luck!

[rhiOrion]

We haven't found any child care yet... as soon as we figure out where we're moving I'll try to figure that out (we're trying to buy a house right now). I think I would actually prefer a baby sitter (or small in-home day care) instead of daycare, but wasn't sure if the cost was just way too much for that. I'll have to look into it.

Pumping at work should be okay. My boss is a total UAV, but I work for a major medical university and she doesn't have much choice but to be accommodating. My office is not very private at all, but we have a couple of unused offices that I could probably use for pumping (we also have another mom due the same time as me, so we might even be able to set up a sort of nursing room- the HR department is helpful with that, I think). We have two big fridges where I could store milk.

[purplevega]

Originally Posted by rhiOrion

We haven't found any child care yet... as soon as we figure out where we're moving I'll try to figure that out (we're trying to buy a house right now).

My suggestion is buy a home you can afford on one income. That way when you return to work you maybe able to work partime or SAH if neccesary. I only say this because I had to return to work and it killed me. My son was very high needs and was nursing around the clock until 8 months. I was over tired and my son did not do well in childcare because of my AP beliefs. I ended up SAH and it was the best decision for ME.

I am not trying to make you feel bad, I just suggest that you have options for everything including a house payment you can only make with 2 incomes. I never thought I would give up my career to stay home but I did. We sold our 2 income home and moved to a small home we can afford with one paycheck.

I am now in nursing school and am transtioning my kiddos to childcare once again. The difference is I pick the time and my kiddos are much older now.

kim

[_betsy_]

Families do it everyday. You'll find your way. It'll be tough in the beginning, in large part because you just don't want to leave the baby and don't have the energy to do anything. At all. Go easy on yourself. Don't worry too much about housekeeping or laundry, do it in drips and drabs as needed.

I went back at 7 weeks PP with DD1 and 11 weeks PP with DD2. It was a lot easier the second time around, in part because I knew what to expect but also because I had more time to establish nursing.

I've pumped for both DDs who were EBF till at least 6.5 months each, Dd1 weaned at 19.5 months when I was 2 months PG with DD2. DD2 is now 11 months and about 95% BF. Neither has ever had any formula.

It can be done. It can totally be done. it seems daunting and impossible, but it can be done.

[madskye]

I went back at ten weeks, and then worked 3 day weeks for the first 2 months I was back at work. I just told myself that I would see how things went, and take it one day at a time. I was really surprized at how well things did go, how much I enjoyed being back at work, how well my DD adjusted to daycare, how much she liked it there...so all in all it was a good successs story for us.

Look at a lot of different DCP situations--homes, centers, nanny's--I think that's the best way to really figure out what will for for your family. I originally thought I would want a nanny and not a center, or a small day care, but then ended in a big center and we (and DD) just loved it. In the ned, I just went with the place that gave me the best feeling about their level of care and affection for the kids.

If the forums start to make you feel insecure, ease off them a bit. As a new mom, it's totally normal to doubt yourself but in the end, only YOU know what is best for your family. I am very rewarded through my work, DH is much less stressed not having to be the sole provider, and I see many benefits for my daughter in her daycare situation.

[DCMama01]

I just had my first 2.5 weeks ago and will be returning to work around 16 weeks. DD will either be left with my grandmother or in a small in-home daycare with a woman who's watched over kids in my family. The latter is actually my preference (she's awesome with babies and motherly) but she's in the opposite direction of home/work and more expensive.

It's still early, but I'm not dreading the transition back to work at all. I think the difference is that I feel comfortable with who DD will be with. PLUS, my mom had to go back at 6 weeks with both kids and we're incredibly close. My mom told me how she cried dropping me off to daycare my first day. Granted, I don't remember being 6 weeks but I know that I loooved my preschool. Alot of things mothers feel guilty about are things the kids are completely oblivious to.

Your DD will adapt, because that will be all she knows. She may very well be like some kids who thrive in daycare around other children.

[SeekingJoy]

I went back when DS was 11 weeks, but was part-time in the office and then a few more hours in the evenings. I'm not going to kid you: it is hard, it can be overwhelming, but lots of women make it through.

Parts of the Triangle are notorious for childcare wait lists for decent (4 and 5 star) centers and home care. You might consider coughing up the $25 application fee to at least get on a few wait lists.

[Skippy918]

I went back full time when DS was 18 weeks. It was so hard. I cried every day for the first month. After that I got into a groove, then I skewed my hours so I wouldn't get home so late. My son is a happy little boy at 15 months now. He's thriving at daycare and learning so much. I also really like my job. We play together and eat dinner together as a family which is nice, then I rock and nurse him to sleep. It also got easier as he got older.

[nola79]

I went back to work FT 8 weeks after having my son. He went to full time daycare, and did great. Maybe I was lucky to have found a good daycare, but I never had any problems. He is great, our relationship is great. Our situation at the time just didn't give me any choice in the matter, but looking back, now 7 years later, it all worked out just fine. Try and not worry, I would have loved to had 12 weeks as opposed to 8!

[*MamaJen*]

I had a really sweet situation, I was able to take my babe to work with me for the first six months or so. It worked out really well, then we transitioned to in-home day care. I personally prefer the small home-based daycare for infants, rather than a commercial daycare.
You sound like you might be interested in looking at options -- would it maybe be possible to work part time at your job for a couple months, or even, say, take six weeks of maternity leave then work half-time for another 12 weeks?
However you do it, it is possible.

[rhiOrion]

Originally Posted by *MamaJen*

You sound like you might be interested in looking at options -- would it maybe be possible to work part time at your job for a couple months, or even, say, take six weeks of maternity leave then work half-time for another 12 weeks?
However you do it, it is possible.

My problem is that even though the medical school as a whole claims to be very family friendly... my boss is NOT. As a matter of fact, I've heard her tell my coworker several times how glad she is she decided not to have kids (as my coworker was standing there holding her daughter). Not that I think that decision is a bad one, but just the way she says it has that tone of voice that she can't believe anyone ELSE would choose to have kids, either.

I think my best bet is to ask to work 8:30 - 5 with a 30 minute lunch instead of 8:00 - 5 with an hour lunch. I figure that 30 minutes is more useful in the morning rather than during the middle of the day. Of course, if I got a daycare close enough to work that I could go feed her during lunch, I might just keep my current schedule. Though I've also heard people say that showing up at lunch was actually harder on their LO and themselves than not. Luckily from what I've seen with another coworker, my boss doesn't really care one way or another about taking time to pump at work.

The other thing I'm considering is that once I get back from maternity leave I will have been permanent here for over a year (I was a temp at first), and it might be a good time to start looking for other more family friendly positions within the university/med school. Perhaps something where I can WAH part of the time, or something part time. I'm trying to frequently remind myself that I am NOT stuck at this job forever. I hate my boss, and most of my closer coworkers are leaving or trying to leave.

Thank you guys so much for your input, and for letting me think through this here. I just don't have anybody close to me in my life who has had to do this, and I had no idea where to begin.

[Elecampane]

First, big big . I know it is so overwhelming. I went back to work full time when my DD was about 4 months old. I took the full 12 week FMLA leave and then was able to take a few extra weeks of vacation. Like you, quitting and staying home was not an option financially (and it is not going to be an option this time around, either).

Going back to work was rough, I'm not going to lie. I often say that those first few months were seriously the worst in my life. And I have a wonderful, family friendly, flexible job, too. It was intensely stressful for me, moving into the new role as a working mother after months of maternity leave. I think it was mostly because I was not thrilled with my childcare situation--a center--because I had to scramble at the last minute since my original choice had fallen through (the one that I had agonized over and researched during my pregnancy, ahhhh.). Pumping is not something I particularly enjoy, but I settled into a routine and came to enjoy the breaks. I played my Nintendo DS while I pumped.

As I said, the main source of my stress was being unhappy with the center DD was in. So I looked and looked, and finally found the perfect situation for us, a small in-home daycare. Now DD's care providers are like a second family, I'm not kidding. DD loves them, and I have no qualms whatsoever about leaving her there, even as an infant (she's now three).

So, my advice is to start looking NOW for childcare, interview, research, get references, visit, and visit again. I think if you are happy with the care situation your transition will go all the more smoothly.

Does your university provide any kind of childcare or assistance in finding care? I found our place through my employer's EAP, which was a great boon.

[rhiOrion]

Originally Posted by Elecampane

Does your university provide any kind of childcare or assistance in finding care? I found our place through my employer's EAP, which was a great boon.

Thanks for the hugs

The HR page does have a list of childcare providers in the area, as well as how many stars (not sure if that's just what the school thinks, or if it's based on some bigger criteria, or what).

The school does have childcare, too, but it's EXPENSIVE. And they always have a long waiting list. But, even with the reimbursement we'd get because we make under 75k as a household, it would still be way more than we can afford, I think. I will double check and find out what the reimbursement is, though, just to be sure.

Of course, this just all adds another stressor in our house hunt! I feel like I can't really settle on what I want as far as child care until I know where we're going to be living.

I like the DS idea DH rarely plays his anyhow.

[*MamaJen*]

I really enjoyed using my lunch break to go nurse the baby -- I've always kept him in daycares really close to my office. You'd be pumping anyway, which is a PITA.

[OneWithTwo]

I will be returning after 2-3 weeks? MAYBE....atleast part time after 2 weeks. Of course my situation is a bit different, I am a nanny.

My suggestion is to pump to build up a decent stash. Remember that supplements do work. I would start checking for nannies now. Like create an interview question list. I started working for my family when the twins were 3 months. Keep in mind what you're looking for, maybe ask around here in your tribal area. Check Craigslist, but remember to always do a background check and check references.
Also you could try myfreenanny.com, care.com, sittercity.com, nannies4hire.com
Those are some I know about

[Carita]

Hi rhi!

It IS possible. BTDT. From 2 weeks, I had family memers watching PT until he was eligible for DC, he was in PT DC from 7 weeks to about 15 weeks, when a FT DC when a spot opened. I'd be happy to answer any ? about pumping, etc. I found kellymom.com probably the most helpful site.

If you have an opportunity to transtiion from PT to fulltime, I would try and take it, just for a week or two because I think it helped me get myself together. Its not easy to say bye to your baby, but the right daycare/child provider makes all the difference. You need someone you can trust, and who understands the needs of BFing moms. I nursed at Daycare at drop-off and pick-up always until we got to the older toddler rooms, and then we had a little nursing bonding in the car.