Tell me about NOT being spanked as a child

[noah's mom]

I know there are some on these boards who grew up without corporal punishment - I would love to hear from you!

Context for my request is this: DH and I agree on virtually every aspect of our parenting except spanking. I am 100% against it, but DH truly feels spanking is the only way to handle extreme (out of control, blatantly disrespectful, destructive) behaviors. DH has only actually spanked 4.5YO DS1 3 times, ever (which is still 3 times too many IMO...), but lately he's been threatening him with it constantly when things get heated. Nothing I've talked to DH about (or had him read) has caused him to budge on his opinion one bit.

So I really need help! Since DH feels that kids NEED spanking in order to learn respect and self-control, I need evidence from those of you who were NOT spanked and developed these qualities anyway.

Please share your full experience - what your parents used as discipline tools other than spanking, how it made you feel, what your relationship with them is like now (as an adult)...etc.

TIA!

[wake_up]

As far as I know, I was only spanked once. I was still in diapers. I was at my grandma's house and wandered over to the bridge that crossed the creek. When she came to get me, she popped me on the behind. I don't remember this, I only know about it because it became a story - the part about when my mom got back, and I told her "Grandma popped me, but I was naughty." Grandma told that story every time we visited her for the next 20 years. Every time she also talked about how scared she was that I had gone so far without her noticing.

I mention that story only because it stood out so much from the rest of my childhood. Discipline at our house was never physical, though I do remember a few times being asked to go to my room when disagreements got heated. It seems strange to say this, but I don't remember any specific discipline tools that were used. We did a lot of talking through things, I think. My mom had a degree in early childhood ed, and knew a lot about child development, etc. but mostly my parents were just very kind, quiet, perceptive and patient, and we learned by that example how to relate to others. If they did raise their voice in anger at times, they'd apologize for it later.

My feeling is that humans learn from what they see in action. If you show little ones violence in action, if you win disagreements by physical force, they might obey temporarily, but the main thing they learn from it is that force is a tool that wins disagreements. The same goes for "learning respect and self-control." True respect (not just fear-based obedience) comes from good relationships, and it's mutual - a child can't really respect someone who doesn't respect him or her. Children learn to respect others by being respected themselves. And self-control, by definition, cannot be learned by being controlled by others - it is a skill learned by having control, making mistakes, and making new decisions.

My relationship with my parents was and is very close. My dad died a few years ago, and I am so grateful to have had him in my life. I am grateful that my mom and dad gave me assurance of their love, so that I could be confident in my own self, and so I can now have a relationship with my own son that is even more aware and respectful.

I don't know how I can provide evidence that I turned out ok without being spanked. I swear I've never committed any major crimes, I have lots of friends, I'm gainfully self-employed, and I don't mouth off to cops.

[simplemama32]

My parents spatted me on the hand a couple times (so they told me...I don't remember) when I was pretty little, but otherwise the only discipline I remember is stuff like being sent to my room "to think," privileges taken away, and getting "the talk" from my dad. "The Talk" was basically a long, one-sided conversation where Dad informed me what I did wrong, why they thought it was wrong, and what I could do to make it right. He did allow me to argue my side, but I rarely won. ;-) It was horrible to sit through at the time, but I tease him about it a lot now.

I'm an only child, so I'm not sure if that made a difference at all, but my parents pretty much always treated me as an equal, as far as respect, trust, and all that goes. Of course there were times, especially when I was a teenager, that I was a complete witch to them...in some cases, I applaud their restraint in dealing with me, and at other times, I think they could have handled it a lot better, but no one is perfect, you know?

I do have to admit that overall, exempting some of those teenage years, I was a calm and reasonable child who did my best to please my parents. I was happier reading a book than seeking adventure or testing the limits.

My parents and I have a very close relationship now that I'm grown. We live fairly close and are always on the phone or at each other's house, and they are my son's main caretakers during the weekdays...and I'm thrilled to see the close bond DS is developing with his grandparents.

[sapphire_chan]

It just was what it was. I don't remember much about how it was when I was 4 years old, and the dynamic was different for my little brother since a lot was based on stuff to help us be friendly as siblings, like laughing instead of looking angry when we were told to clean up a mess if we made the mess together versus alone.

My parents would use the 1--2-- thing when they wanted us to get it in gear, but they only got to 3 once with each of us, so I'm not sure what would have happened with that. It was more of a verbal cue that they were at the end of their ropes and needed us to be cooperative.

Your dh is using the spanking threat as a trump card. It's an easy out. It gets results for him without him having to actually discipline your ds. What might be more helpful is finding out what worked for other people or their spouses to break the habit of going to the lazy sure thing.

Oh yes, I was swatted once. At age 2, the story goes, on a hot hot day I was fighting the car seat so we couldn't just get going and cool and home. Mom hit my leg in frustration. I stopped struggling in shock and said, "You Hit MY Leg" as though deeply offended (not hurt, not sad, not scared--offended). I then proceeded to announce to everyone we met for the next 3 or 4 days that "My Mother Hit MY Leg". She, um, didn't do that again.

[Kristin0105]

Not me unfortunately. But my husband says he was never spanked. He seems to have turned out alright

On the otherhand when I worked in the prison system as the prison psychologist I used to ask the inmates what type of discipline they received at home. I was curious as my experience had taught me that it turned out very angry children who did not behave unless the parent was present. Anyway, about 98.9% of the prisoners asked assured me that they had good old fashioned discipline and had been spanked or "whupped" as they say here regularly for transgressions. Seems to me corporal punishment was not a deterrent to bad behavior.

[Deir]

As far as I know- i was only smacked once- when I was 13. I was never grounded, never sent to my room and never had anything 'taken away" I do remember wanting to please my parents but maybe that is just my personality. I was certainly reprimanded for behavior that wasn't good but it was rare.

[mnj77]

Originally Posted by noah's mom

So I really need help! Since DH feels that kids NEED spanking in order to learn respect and self-control, I need evidence from those of you who were NOT spanked and developed these qualities anyway.

I was never spanked or really disciplined in any way that I can remember. I'm an only and was pretty much a rule-follower, both of which probably made it easier to parent by reasoning, disapproving looks, etc. I don't think I turned out too bad I'm very close with my parents.

One thing that popped into my head on reading your question is that I feel that I have better self-control than other people I know, at least when it comes to my parenting (it doesn't extend to my cookie eating, that's for sure ). I often read on this board about people (admirably) struggling with the urge to yell and spank. Sometimes these people explain that these techniques are their first instinct because that's how they were raised. So far, I have never even had the urge to yell or hit DD. GD has come pretty naturally to me. DD isn't quite 3, so I'm sure she still has some tricks up her sleeve, but I credit my parents with my ability to stay calm in the moment.

[pinksprklybarefoot]

I was not spanked as a child.

My dad did have the "dad" voice, and when he broke that out (the one that hurts your ears), it had about the same effect. My brother and I were (to hear our parents tell it) pretty obedient children. Apparently we didn't even really have tantrums.

Every now and again, DH breaks out the dad voice and it completely freaks me out.

[coraljean]

I was not spanked as a child. My parents respected me, and in turn I respected them. I also learned that hitting wasn't the way to make things go my own way. I never fought or was violent at school, even though a lot of other children were. I think that one of the most positive benefits of the form of upbringing that I had is that if I find myself in an upsetting situation, I don't get flustered and resort to yelling or violence, I can "talk it out". Being able to express yourself and see things from another persons point of view are very helpful skills as an adult. If you disagree with someone at work and hit them, then you lose your job! Why teach hitting as a problem solver when it does not work in the real world?

Also, it sounds like you are trying really hard to persuade your husband that spanking is not a solution, but why is he the one who is getting his way by default, and you have to try to convince him not to? I think that in an area that is as important as this one, you are totally within your rights to say: "No, I refuse to allow you to spank our child. I do not agree with it." Let him scour the internet to try to find information to convince you. You are in the right here, and it is ok to insist sometimes.

Spanking doesn't teach respect. Respect teaches respect.

Coral Jean

[major_mama11]

OP, I am in the same situation- I am anti-spanking, but DH is old school and thinks that it is needed once in a while for serious misbehavior. It doesn't help DD AT ALL, if anything it's pretty obvious to me that it makes her behavior worse.

I was only spanked once as a child that I can remember- by my mom, who is about the most gentle soul on the planet, so I must have been acting up badly!

My parents spanked my sister until about age 3, but had stopped spanking by the time I was old enough for discipline. My mom was anti-spanking from the get-go, but went along with dad spanking my sis. One day, he was hitting her butt as he said, "This will teach you not to hit!" and something clicked and he realized how contrary his discipline methods were to what he was aiming to teach her. He never spanked again.

What they used: when I was a toddler, I remember being put in a time-out chair to wait for dad to come home from work and talk to me. Oh, the chair of shame. My mom was very into positive reinforcement, redirection, playful parenting type techniques. She read a LOT of parenting books. As I got older, they got more creative. If my sis and I were fighting, mom would sit us opposite each other and tell us we had to stare at each other and NOT SMILE, whatever we did. We would start out glaring, but eventually one of us would start to smirk, and before we knew it, we were friends again.

Mainly, they would just talk through things with us. If it was something really serious, dad would use the Dad Voice that everyone talks about here, and also Dad Eyes, where he would bug his eyes out and stare at me in an intimidating sort of way. Dad could scare the crap out of me with those crazy eyes , no spanking was required for me to respect his authority.

My sister and I were both very compliant children, looking back. Very much rule-followers. I only got in trouble twice in school, and both times it was just detention in high school for being late to class due to talking to my boyfriend in the hall. Pretty tame stuff.

[Magelet]

I wasn't spanked as a child. I wouldn't necessarily call our house super functional, however I think that had more to do with other family issues than my parent's discipline style. My parents always told me they would never hurt us, and I think that definitely created trust in our relationship (that they said they wouldn't and with only one exemption when I was a teenager, didn't)

For disciplining, there definitely was one, two, two and a half, two and 3/4, etc to 3, and 3 was when whatever (quieting down, cleaning up, coming over here, etc) had to be done. If not, well, essentially, we pushed the limits, but not really past three. Just to see how far we could go. If they felt a need to discipline us, we got time outs, "going to our rooms" (which was less punishment and more time to cool out. we could stay there and play or read as long as we wanted), and treats and other things (ballet practice, favorite toy, going out for ice cream that was planned, etc, things we were looking forward to) "taken away".

One thing is that I can count on one hand the only times I was ever scared of a parent (3 times. none of them had to do with physical force, but the sheer force of their rage. I'm very very very sensitive to anger, people being angry at me can feel like a physical attack.)
I remember being angry at being punished, but I definitely think the being sent to one's room (that and having things taken away) was a very effective discipline tool. essentially, its less of a punishment, and more giving the person/people time to cool off, get out of the heat of the moment. In terms of taking things away, I don't think it was great, or terrible. It definitely was very motivating and effective as well. I think overall, I feel pretty ambivilent about how my parents disciplined me, however I think that is because there was always a lot of yelling involved. I think an even more GD style would be wonderful.

Our current relationship is pretty good. It was very strained for a while, but once I was no longer financially dependent on them, it became pretty good. I like spending time with both my parents. I have more issues with one parent, but that is related to an issue which is not related to discipline. I talk to them regularly, have dinner a couple times a month with each parent.

I'd say it worked pretty well. I mean, sure, my sister and I could be difficult as teenagers, but I think that's just the age. I think I may have pushed my parents further occasionally because I knew they wouldn't hit me, but overall, it helped me trust them.

As a pp said, I think the best thing it did for me was establish a baseline. Not spanking, not hitting, etc, come easily to me. (yelling.... well thats another story). In fact, I don't think it would ever OCCUR to me to spank a child for any reason even in the heat of the moment.

(an interesting difference between me and my DP who was raised in a traditional corporal punishment (somewhat) house is that when I was a teenager, I challenged my parents, and lost. Or retreated to my room. When he was a teenager, when he got bigger than his dad, he won. I guess basically if physical threats are your only tool, you are out of tools when those don't work anymore).

gl

[Jessnet]

Another voice here who wasn't ever spanked. I like to think I am even MORE respectful and compassionate because of my upbringing. (Well, compassionate only towards those who don't spank their children. Those who do spank - look out, I admit up front I have no compassion for anyone who thinks it is ok to hit children)

But to answer your question we had the usual alternative punishments, groundings - serious ones no tv, phone, or going outside; time-outs; and one time my mom made me read a book on respectful language and write a book report (she was a principal)

On a further note, I find that not having been spanked growing up makes the occurance of spanking even more outrageous and unacceptable for me. It is such a violent action!
Spanking is just something I can not deal with and have never gotten over in my 30-something years of life. It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about a child being spanked. I've never had it happen so I've never had to rationalize why someone I look to protect me is hitting/hurting me, and so it remains a foregin, violent, and aggressive action to me. This gut-twisting reaction seems to be missing in everyone I meet that was spanked as a child.

My husband was spanked, and often, and has an AWFUL adult relationship with his family and few fond memories of his parents from childhood. He remembers always trying to hide his mistakes so he wouldn't get in trouble, which is another element missing from my spank-free childhood. I always went to my parents with my troubles and was never afraid when I made a mistake.

I also agree with the pp, by not having been spanked I have never once felt the urge to spank my child.

The point being (at the end of this rambling post) is to the OP

Tell your husband to suck it up, and for once be a real man by controling the violence he feels towards his son.

[rabbitmum]

I wasn't spanked, neither was my English husband. Spanking has been illegal in Norway since 1972, but my parents didn't spank earlier either. I don't think my father was spanked when he was a child. He was very much against punishments and humiliating treatment of children.

We were never grounded and had no "punishments" like not being allowed to watch TV etc. My mother sent me to my room once, against my father's wishes. I was VERY angry about it. We were usually very well-behaved. My mother is a horrible, sarcastic, cold woman, but my father actually talked to us and I base a lot of my parenting ideals on the way he interacted with us kids. My husband was also raised by his very gentle father after his mother died when he was little, and he is also a very gentle, respectful father himself.

We don't spank, use time-outs or other punishments, and we are not tempted to. We try not to yell or scold, and usually manage fairly well. Punishments, humiliation, threats, yelling and shaming don't do any good in a family at all.

[EmmysMama]

My parents aren't spankers. Even more surprising to me is that my grandmother wasn't a spanker ... she raised children in the 50s and 60s. So my mom was coming from a perspective of not having been spanked (most of the time ... her dad did spank sometimes but he worked away from home a lot) either.

I remember my mom using time-out, but it wasn't like I see time-out a lot now. I see kids on TV being made to sit in a "naughty chair" where everyone else in the family can see them. I would have been ashamed by that. My mom was not into shaming. Time-out for us meant "go to your room". After we had both had a good time-out, we'd talk about what happened and why it shouldn't happen again. She was very matter-of-fact about things. This is how the world works, this is acceptable behavior, and this is why.

My dad used yelling. This is where I struggle. Especially since DD is very spirited and there is no way I could keep her anywhere she didn't want to be, especially away from me ... I yell a lot. I don't really respect my dad's opinions even now.

I think we both turned out okay. We've never been arrested. I've never even gotten a ticket! My sister is in college and has a part-time job. I think I'm doing a fair job of being a SAHM and I have a wonderful husband, he's like the son my parents never had. We both have friends and function in society. We don't blindly follow but we're not going out of our way to overthrow the government either. I think there's a pretty good balance to us. I think we would have been better off without the yelling, of course ... I tend to be afraid of people's reactions and so hold things in when I should say something, but my sister doesn't, so I can't say the yelling caused it.

[treehugginhippie]

Originally Posted by Kristin0105

Not me unfortunately. But my husband says he was never spanked. He seems to have turned out alright

On the otherhand when I worked in the prison system as the prison psychologist I used to ask the inmates what type of discipline they received at home. I was curious as my experience had taught me that it turned out very angry children who did not behave unless the parent was present. Anyway, about 98.9% of the prisoners asked assured me that they had good old fashioned discipline and had been spanked or "whupped" as they say here regularly for transgressions. Seems to me corporal punishment was not a deterrent to bad behavior.

Good to hear this from a fellow mama expert! Can I post this on my facebook?

[MegBoz]

Unfortunately I can't remember things from when I was 1, 2 or 3 YO (can anyone?) So I can't lean on my Mom's parenting of me now for help with my 16 MO DS.

BUT - my Mom didn't spank us, nor did my DH's Mom spank him. I guess you could say my Mom used a little corporal punishment in that when we were really being bad & totally not listening, she would grab the back of our arm & dig her nails in while she talked quietly through her teeth into our ear. BUT - it wasn't really painful, just uncomfortable & just let you know she MEANS BUSINESS! & she didn't do it very often.

But that's it. That was the extent of any corporal punishment.

I just remember being parented in the regular "authoritative" way.... this is the behavior expected of you, and we DO expect you to behave properly, because you are smart & a good kid. If you do NOT behave as we expect, we will be disappointed in you. I guess you could say "guilt" was the only 'punishment' & perhaps damage to self-image. I wanted to live up to the good expectations Mom set for me.

I think my Mom did a really good job with it all, I think DH's Mom did too.

[Toolip]

I was never spanked or yelled at or put in time-out. My sister and I both wanted to make out parents happy, I think we were pretty "easy" kids. Maybe we were easy though because of the way we were treated, who knows. There were certain tones and looks, that no one else would have noticed, but they were enough to let us know that we were out of line or about to be. It was a very peaceful household. I can't imagine how terrifying it would have been to have one of my parents hit me. I don't know how I would relate to them now, as an adult, if I remembered them hitting me as a child.

We are both doing great in "real life". Our bosses have always really liked us, our teachers as well. We are far more "respectful" of others than most of our friends (who were spanked). I'm so grateful to my parents for not hitting me. I have great self-control and I feel very happy and stable.

And I remember things from when I was 2 (18mo) and 3 years old! A few remarkable events happened and I have vivid memories.

[Everrgreen]

Nevermind - I don't think my story would help you much

[_betsy_]

I was never spanked. Well, my mother says she ONCE smacked my hand and felt awful about it and cried and cried and cried over it - apparently I was like 14 months old and I was *this close* to drinking bleach and it was instinctual on her part to slap my hand away from it. Uhm, OK, mom, that's not really spanking! Better a forceful shove than drinking bleach!

We talked a lot about solving our problems together, and my mom was something of a yeller. But we were never hit. I never lived with the threat of a spanking driving fear into me, either.

My sister and I both have close relationships with our parents. I talk to, email back and forth with or Skype my parents every other day or so (they live some 2,000 miles away from me, having retired and relocated to my sister's town).

[Oubliette8]

My roommate in college was never spanked. She is one of the most amazing people I have ever met- thoughtful, caring, responsible and always, always honest. Before I met her I didn't know there were families that did not hit. I was absoutely amazed at her character though, and it convinced me that I did not want to hit my kids either. She was honest for the sake of being honest. And she had a well thought out sense of right and wrong- she could explain WHY something was, in her words, "Not cool" when I'd never really even given it consideration beyond that it was "bad".