Overcoming instinctual responses

[crookedsprout]

Lately, I have been struggling getting my little one dressed. She's 20 months old and is approaching a difficult age with behaviors I have only read about and have not yet experienced. She seems like a different person lately.
Anyway, when it's time to change her diaper, she'll let me clean her up and put powder on her, but when it's time to close up the diaper, she giggles and flips over and tries to crawl away. I recently tried teaching her how to close up her own diaper and have eliminated that struggle. Now whenever we get dressed, she runs around, giggles, flails.....get's way too excited and I can't get her dressed. I, on the other hand, am furious, but not showing it (as far as I can tell). Today she kangaroo kicked me in the chest, and not even a split second/ second thought, or anything, I spanked her for the first time. This is so out of character of me, and it frightened both of us. Usually, things are calm and smooth. She got over it pretty quickly, but I'm still digesting this. It's so weird...where did this come from? It's just a natural instinct such as flinching when getting burned.

One time, she bit my finger when I was brushing her teeth. It hurt so much and I yelled really loud: it was just instinct. How can one overcome these "instinctual responses"? I am normally the most patient person: Mother Mary...patient. I don't understand how one cannot yell when getting hurt.

[Down2Earth]

Hmmm... I would think that experience would help you overcome those kind of reactions. I know I swatted DD once and I will never do it again. I think we were both traumatized by it and before that point I wasn't firm in my no-spank convictions. Now I am. I would never, ever hit my child ever again. And believe me she's done a bunch of stuff that really pushes my buttons.

ETA: Why shouldn't you cry out if your child hurts you? It really hurts to be bit. Do you want to teach her that biting doesn't hurt? I guess I don't get it.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

For things that are painful and unexpected, the instinctual response is to yell and pull away (for example, if you burn your hand on the stove, you don't think about slapping the stove, you just yelp, pull away, and comfort your hand). I think its okay to express pain when you are hurt.

If you are getting hurt on a regular basis with a particular activity, then its time to figure out how to change that activity so that it doesn't place you in danger.

Many mamas here, including me, find it MUCH easier on both the parent and the child to change them standing up. And not use baby powder (Is it necessary for her? I thought it was bad for the child's lungs) if its hard to put on while standing up. I changed DD standing up in front of the coffee table, with some interesting things on the table for her to play with, since she was 9 mths. Also got her dressed standing up, or gave her something very interesting to hold.

[simplemama32]

I feel like I'm a pretty patient person, too, and so never expected to not feel patient with DS when he bit/kicked/hit.

Two things seem to help the most in calming me down when I have an instinctive response like that to something DS has done...1) Be Prepared...arm yourself in advance with playful techniques or other responses that fit how you would like to parent. From reading about GD on this board and in other places, I've gathered a few "go-to" techniques I can always pull out in a hurry. I guess it's kind of like learning a new pattern of how to react. Of course, there have been times I just had to walk away or hand DS over to my husband. I don't like the fact that I walked away instead of handling the situation calmly, but it's much preferable to losing control of myself.

2) The other thing that helps me...and granted, this may not apply to you AT ALL, but fwiw...is to look at why I reacted so strongly to DS's behavior. When DS kicks at me, even when it's just him being playful or rambunctious, I was not prepared for how upset it makes me. I guess on some level I feel that I expect him to treat me how I try to treat him...with love, calmness, patience, and respect at all times...which is obviously too much to expect someone his age! ;-) And when he doesn't, I feel...almost deeply offended and hurt, and that in turn makes me angry.

So just examining my feelings and admitting all of that has helped, though I have to remind myself a lot... I think it also helps, and is a good model for kids to see, that if you do react badly and do something you regret, for you to admit to your child that you were wrong and ask them to forgive you.

[boater]

I am wondering about tone of voice. I think sometimes, in efforts to be the perfect, gentle, calm empathizing person with a child we lose track of our genuine and valid reactions. I think it is very important to honor a child's impulse and assume best intentions consitent with the facts. I also think saying "ow that hurts!" when it's true is just honest. I wonder if trying to use a sweet tone of voice -at all times- no matter what you really feel could possibly warp your reactions. Could the spank be more of an expression of repressed feelings than a true "instinct"? Just a thought. Perhaps expressing a wider range of emotion to your DS ( in apropriate ways of course) would ease the pressure? HTH!