Teen doesn't wan to go to school?

[LRosa]

Hello. I'm new to this forum (the name is Rosa, by the way. Nice to meet you all!

My teenager (17- Senior) doesn't want to go to school, and I don't know what to do about it.

She just transferred to a new school a year ago (because of serious attendance issues) and has recently started gaining back old habits (such as leaving out of the front door and going in any direction that won't lead her to school). I got a call from her school the other day telling me she missed school twice (consecutively) and when I asked her about it she said she had a writing deadline she couldn't miss, and needed those extra days to finish and edit a story for a writing festival.

What I don't understand is how she can be so involved in writing, yet not school. She must realize that she needs school if she wants a good career. But it's like she doesn't.

She's so motivated-- anyone could tell. She stays up all hours reading and studying and writing, always going on about editing and workshops and this book and that book. She's taken and excelled in advanced writing courses (Honors, AP, College Now, Specialized, etc.). She's so smart. A beautiful writer, a great artist, such a creative person. She's even been teaching herself Japanese for the past 2 years. She's so bright!

But her interests are making her fail school.

At the moment she's taking neither Art or English because she has all her credits (Eng:12 credits out of the needed 8/Art: 4 credits out of the needed 2) and needs to focus on the others (like Science and Math, which she fails so miserably), and is always saying that school is impossibly boring. She hardly does her homework, skips school constantly, and ugh! I don't even know what else.

She's a good girl-- she's smart enough not to do drugs or stay out too late or hang with the wrong crowd (though she's a bit of an introvert and rather reclusive, so she doesn't hang out much with anyone when she's at home). I just don't understand why she can't make herself go to school, knowing that it's something she needs to do.

I'm afraid her school will kick her out if she keeps this up. She wants to go to college-- she's made that clear on many occasions (equipped with the excited talk of taking English and Art and Psych to her heart's desire, and etc...), but how can she get there if she doesn't get her diploma? What will she do about the other courses she will have to take? The math and science and etc? I bought her a SAT Prep book and she completed the entire English/Writing part, and left the math section completely blank. I go up for Parent teacher conference and her math teacher shows me tests that read 30% and 40%, with more drawings and words on them than actual numbers. She day dreams and doodles and reads in class-- when she's there--and hands in about half of her homework (oh, but she always manages to hand in the essays and articles for her history class. Her teacher praises her on THOSE!)


At the moment she's taking (I can't remember what numbers) Geometry, Chemistry, Filipino, and Government (classes run for 1.5 hrs each), none of which interest her in the least (if I'm being completely honest, I could also say that she hates them all with a passion). So yes, I understand that she's finding school to be both hard and boring for her at the moment. But what do I do to make her understand that she needs to do it anyway? That life isn't always going to be about what she wants it to be. That she needs to do other things-- even the things she doesn't like-- to get to the places she wants.

Please help. I'm at a complete loss.

Thanks in advance (and sorry for rambling).

~Rosa

[Whistler]

She is very close!

I guess either hang tough (that's what I did) or take the GED and head to college a semester early (that's what Hubby did, college a year early at 17 after taking the GED).

Beyond that... ???

[denimtiger]

If she's an introvert, perhaps school is too hard on her emotionally -- all of the peer interaction stuff, particularly if she hasn't found a peer group with friends who have similar interests to her.

Is she failing these courses? How far is she from graduating? Would it be possible for her to withdraw from her current school and do an online one? There are many online public charter schools that run from K-12 and are completely free -- some even provide the necessary computers.

[annettemarie]

Moving to the Teen forum

[LRosa]

Originally Posted by Whistler

She is very close!

I guess either hang tough (that's what I did) or take the GED and head to college a semester early (that's what Hubby did, college a year early at 17 after taking the GED).

Beyond that... ???

Yes, she is very close. But I don't want her habits moving on to college, or work, or anything like that. It gets really frustrating.

[Ruthla]

You can't "make her" do her homework or go to school or anything else.

I think you need to sit down with her and talk about your concerns. Have HER research what she wants to do with her life and what kind of education she needs to accomplish her goals. One of two things will happen: either she'll see that she's screwing herself up and make up the necessary work, or you'll be suprised to find that there's another way for her college or career goals without her needing to complete these boring high school classes. She just might make it into college even without a high school diploma.

[fruitfulmomma]

It sounds to me like she is 'unschooling' herself. Have you visited the homeschooling forums? I think you'd get some great advice over there about how she can finish her education on her own without the trappings of school. (Two books that might be useful are Guerrilla Learning and The Teenage Liberation Handbook. )

And like a pp said, you might also look into getting her ged and going straight into college. I dropped out, with my mothers permission, when I was 16, got my ged as soon as I turned 17 and got into a university with no problems.

If we had known about the homeschooling option before that time I would have been very interested in that. School was simply miserable for me and while I do believe that children need to honor their parents and also that sometimes that they just have to do things they don't want to, I also believe strongly that parents need to work with their children to achieve their goals. What is your goal for her? Is it that she sit 8 hours in a classroom every day or that she gets a solid education? If education is the goal then perhaps looking into alternative methods of education could be a better way to meet that goal.

[LRosa]

Originally Posted by denimtiger

If she's an introvert, perhaps school is too hard on her emotionally -- all of the peer interaction stuff, particularly if she hasn't found a peer group with friends who have similar interests to her.

Is she failing these courses? How far is she from graduating? Would it be possible for her to withdraw from her current school and do an online one? There are many online public charter schools that run from K-12 and are completely free -- some even provide the necessary computers.

She is. She always says being around so many people makes her so tired. I always figured she became that way (because she wasn't always like this) because she spends so much time by herself writing and painting and stuff.

She has friends... or acquaintances, anyway. And one best friend (who's away at college, but visits when she can).

She has, I believe, 31 credits. If she applies herself now, she can be out, with no problem, by June, since her courses are all 2 credits each (since they're so long). And yes, she IS failing them. She only passed one class (history) last semester.

I've considered home-schooling before (she requested it when she was at her old school), but I don't have the financial means necessary for it. I'll look into the Charter thing, however. She only has ten more credits to go, though. Sadly, they are all in the Math/Science/Government department.

When she asked to be home schooled before, I was a bit apprehensive about it, though. She really doesn't spend much time with her friends at all. The only one she makes an effort to keep into contact with-- of her friends from her old school and her new friends from her recent school-- is her best friend who went to college. I'm afraid that if I take her away from the bit of outside interaction she's getting in school, she'll become more withdrawn. She literally flees from large groups of people, or people she doesn't know, when she can. I'm afraid she would become completely anti-social if she were home-schooled.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by LRosa

Yes, she is very close. But I don't want her habits moving on to college, or work, or anything like that. It gets really frustrating.

What makes you think they will?

I slid through high school doing the bare minimum to pass - and not always that. I finished grade 12 with the minimum number of classes I needed to graduate, and I only passed one of them with a 2% margin...2%. I didn't actually skip class much, but it made no difference that I was there (except that they didn't call my mom if I had my butt in the chair). I spent my class time writing out song lyrics, mastering band logos, etc...nowhere near as constructively as your dd!

And, you know what? Every supervisor/manager I've ever had has called me "the best employee [I've] ever had"...every one. I don't miss work. I work my butt off. I don't make excuses when I screw up, and I try hard not to screw up.

Despite the huge cultural lie to the contrary, school and work bear very little resemblance to each other. I didn't mind working (actually quite liked it, before I had kids, and missed being with them). I hated school...hated it.

None of this really addresses the issue of how to handle your dd. I have no advice on that. I just don't think the concern about these habits moving on to whatever she does outside of school is necessarily valid.

[weliveintheforest]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

Despite the huge cultural lie to the contrary, school and work bear very little resemblance to each other. I didn't mind working (actually quite liked it, before I had kids, and missed being with them). I hated school...hated it.

None of this really addresses the issue of how to handle your dd. I have no advice on that. I just don't think the concern about these habits moving on to whatever she does outside of school is necessarily valid.

couldn't agree more.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by LRosa

When she asked to be home schooled before, I was a bit apprehensive about it, though. She really doesn't spend much time with her friends at all. The only one she makes an effort to keep into contact with-- of her friends from her old school and her new friends from her recent school-- is her best friend who went to college. I'm afraid that if I take her away from the bit of outside interaction she's getting in school, she'll become more withdrawn. She literally flees from large groups of people, or people she doesn't know, when she can. I'm afraid she would become completely anti-social if she were home-schooled.

Do you have any reason to think that? School drove me into my shell, and made it very difficult to come back out. DD1, otoh, is homeschooling, and has become progressively more social over the last year or so. Socializing in school isn't exactly a stress-free experience, and ime, it can be profoundly negative.

[kathymuggle]

I would cyber school her for the final few grades - there are free sources that grant high school diplomas. K-12 is a big one.

I am not sure school can ever turn an introvert (which is what your DD sounds like) into an extrovert - and certainly not at 17.

If you are worried about her having enough interaction with the outside world - perhaps you could suggest she volunteer or work? Interaction does not have to come from school. Indded for the vast majority of the planet interaction does not come from school.

Kathy

[Kelly1101]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

Despite the huge cultural lie to the contrary, school and work bear very little resemblance to each other. I didn't mind working (actually quite liked it, before I had kids, and missed being with them). I hated school...hated it.

This, this, this. And really, in my experience high school and college are not very similar, either.

If your daughter is not into drugs or any other negative influence, and is really missing school because of her creative work, I think this is less a "problem" than just an unusual situation, which may need an unusual solution. Maybe your daughter needs a different path than the traditional.

I second the suggestion to talk to her about careers she's interested in, and see if there are ways to go in those directions without the traditional diploma.

I was VERY similar to what you say about your daughter-- lots of creative interests, focus on humanities rather than sciences, all honors classes and gifted-and-talented programs, and CONSTANTLY skipping school in those last few years.

I dropped out of high school when I was 17, got my GED, and went to college. And LOVED it, and graduated with a 4.0. The high school atmosphere was crushing me and constricting me, the college atmosphere with more freedom and responsiblity made me thrive. Your daughter may be the same.

[MariaMadly]

http://www.ctcl.org/

My older DC withdrew from classes instead of going back after holiday break at end of December senior year. Took a gap year, is happily at a school that feels like an academic, social, and emotional home.

Good luck.

[Lolagirl]

Well, I'm not yet a parent of a teen, but I remember my teen years really well and sympathize with your daughter. I'm just chiming in because I haven't seen anyone else suggest that you get her some additional academic support in the classes with which she's having trouble. I also excelled in writing/english/ humanities type courses and had a really difficult time with subjects like math. The best thing my parents did for me in HS was get me a fantasticly sympathetic and supportive tutor to help me get a better handle on advanced mathematical concepts. I probably never got better that Cs and Bs in math classes as a result, it was still way better than flunking out, and it definitely gave me the confidence to go to those classes and no longer feel pathetic. Which, when you're a teen is pretty big.

It stinks as a teenager to sit in a class and just not get a subject, and it becomes so easy to become apathetic and unmotivated as a result. It may very well be that she's having such a hard time with those classes that she just doesn't want to deal with it any more. But, I do think that if she wants to go to college she needs to learn how to confront and cope with these kinds of stressful situations instead of avoiding them.

Have you sat down with her to try and discuss her skipping school and academic issues yet? Maybe if you already had some leads on tutors or other academic support services at the time you talk to her it will help her see that you're on her side and want to do whatever you can to work together as a team to achieve her goal of getting into college.

Hope that helps!

[enkmom]

Here is another plan. My daughter had a similar story. She did finish high school, and even did ok, but it was a massive struggle and she hated every minute of it. Then she had two disastrous years at college. She loved being away and living independently, but again, hated doing schoolwork she wasn't interested in, and would not go back to finish her last two years.

Now she is enrolled in community college in an office management course. She takes short, one day a week classes in an independent workshop type setting and it is working out very well for her. She is an extremely hard worker - employee of the month at every job she has ever had. She wants a job to support herself while she pursues her passions. She has already found a job in a legal office that is paying her $10/hour part time, and she will double that when she graduates in 3 semesters. It was hard for me to let go of the dream of my brilliant daughter not going on to some illustrious college career, but school is not for everyone. It was really my dream, not hers, anyway.

On another note, my husband dropped out of high school, got a GED, and worked for several years before he felt ready to begin college. He is a lawyer now.

[darcytrue]

She sounds like a great candidate for homeschooling. She's old enough to stay home alone if you work so that's good too. If she is allowed to be given that independence I'm betting she will not let you down. I hated school when I was in middle and high school grades. I would skip as well. I was a very bright child and it wasn't the academics that made me not want to attend school, but I just did not want to go. I was bored and zoned out most of the time. Had homeschooling been available way back then - I definitely would have begged my parents to do it. Once I got my driver's license and got a car I was skipping almost daily and eventually quit school at 17. I wanted to work at a job and make money more than I wanted to be in school by that time. I never have regretted quitting school. I don't feel I missed out on anything and I'm over 40 years old now. I just hated school for some reason. Your DD's happiness in life is most important.

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by LRosa

When she asked to be home schooled before, I was a bit apprehensive about it, though. She really doesn't spend much time with her friends at all. The only one she makes an effort to keep into contact with-- of her friends from her old school and her new friends from her recent school-- is her best friend who went to college. I'm afraid that if I take her away from the bit of outside interaction she's getting in school, she'll become more withdrawn. She literally flees from large groups of people, or people she doesn't know, when she can. I'm afraid she would become completely anti-social if she were home-schooled.

She would have you and her family to socialize with. The biggest mistake people make about homeschooling and the "socialization" thing is that their child will not get to socialize anymore. The meaning of socialize is not hanging out with kids your own age at any time in life. Your DD can socialize with you and her family, people she meets when you run errands together, people at a part-time job she could get, online with friends in a chat room or message board, by volunteering and giving of herself in her community. There are many ways to get in socialization and it's not the same as hanging with a friend or two. She has her college years and adult life to do that once she is more comfortable with herself and who she is. Why push her to be someone she isn't? especially if she doesn't want to do it right now at this moment in her life? I was a shy teen but I've always managed to have friends over the years and I'm very outgoing now as an adult. Some things just take time to get good at.

[heartmama]

She sounds burned out on school. After 14 years of it, that is normal, especially for a bright girl with her own passion.

I would withdraw her and let her get the GED, then start community college when she is ready. Alternately, your state may offer online virtual school, which she may like.

[Whistler]

Originally Posted by LRosa

Yes, she is very close. But I don't want her habits moving on to college, or work, or anything like that. It gets really frustrating.

To me this sounds like legitimate emotional needs, not lazy, bad habits. But we may be getting an incomplete picture. You know your daughter best!

In my thinking if she is pushing this hard, it is because there is a really, true reason and needs some support in finding a better solution. You both know she needs those additional credits and subjects, not just her favorites. But is there a way she can get them in a less stressful environment and also still have some time to work on her favorite stuff? As far as homeschooling and socialization go, if she is skipping school all the time, she is not getting socialization there. Even if she is at the school, she may be withdrawing. Some of my loneliest years were my high school years where I was in a building with 1,000 other students. Homeschooling might not offer more social opportunities but it may not be a whole lot less... and to her may be a breath of fresh air emotionally.