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Why do people here refer to the mother of their step kids as 'bio mom'? - Page 2

post #21 of 28
Originally Posted by Chantelle691 View Post
Yes. This. If my daughter's stepmom posted on a forum and called me biomom, when dd lives with me and visits them for a few hours a week, I would be LIVID. Her father is her *father*, not bio-dad, as much as he irks me and I would love to never have to speak to him or of him again.
Well, do remember on an internet forum we're largely anonymous and often working through dealing with a frustrating or infuriating situation. I sometimes post less-than-flattering things about my SD's mom here (with identifying details omitted or changed slightly to preserve that anonymity), so I can deal with them constructively and respectfully IRL.

In other words, I'd rather someone call me "stepmonster" or "that b***h" (or, for whatever reason, "biomom") or whatever on an anonymous forum, if it means that person is keeping those feelings away from me--and, more importantly, their/my children/stepchildren--in real life.

(That and I don't think most people think it through, nor do I think most people intend it as anything other than as a means of clarification. I do tend to not get worked up about slights that don't really seem to be intentional. YMMV, of course.)
post #22 of 28
Originally Posted by CorasMama View Post
Honestly? If my dd's stepmom did this, I'd be piiiiisssssed off. If she referred to herself as my dd's mother, that'd be really uncool. Luckily for DD, she has a really great stepmom who would never do that.
It's what my step-daughter does, and I follow her lead. She refers to everyone as "my mom and dad" unless there is a reason she needs to clarify (like if she is introducing me to someone who knows her mom and would be confused by "this is my mom").

I think that specifying which children are mine biologically and which are not sends a message to my step-daughter that I am claiming the other kids as my own and pointing out that she only half belongs. That's how I would feel if it's what my step-parents had done, and I'm glad they never "disowned" me in that way.

She is very comfortable with who is who and what all our relationships are, and her parents and step-parents are all on the same page with it as well. It may make a difference that we live 3000 miles apart and no one here knows my step-daughter's mom. I certainly don't go to her school, where her mom goes every day, and introduce myself to the teacher and the class as her mom. Though I expect they all know her step-dad as her dad, just as people here know me as her mom. Again, it's her preference to not make a distinction when she doesn't have to.

Every family is different, and we do what works for ours.
post #23 of 28
I have to agree with alot of what ProtoLawyer says. So much of this is due to internet communication. I think there's as much, if not more, meaning in the delivery of a word (tone, facial expression) as there is in the actual choice of a word itself. However, that is really difficult to convey on the internet, even with all the smilies in the world. In real life, I refer to our kids' moms by name (which I won't do here), or say "our kids' mom" which makes people look at me wierd, but I like challenging people's ideas like that. Here I just refer to them as mom1, mom2, and mom3. But, the kids have created their own names for me: "our other mom" or a "not-the-momma" so, I guess I don't have stepmom hurled around me so much in a negative way and so feel distressed by the tone.

But, I can imagine how I'd feel being the mom and being called a name that I felt was derogatory, especially if it has been used against me by my kids' stepmom. So I'm not sure the solution.
post #24 of 28
Originally Posted by bits and bobs View Post
Surely she is their mother, and mother only. Why write bio mom instead of mother? It has the same amount of letters so it's not even as if it's a short cut?

I'm curious as I see it all the time and find it jarring to be honest.

I don't. I call her his mom. Because she is.
post #25 of 28
My son calles his step dad his real dad and his biological dad -bio dad....or "my mom's exhusband". He is 15 he word choice. For my son calling his bio-dad only dad is repulsive. My ex is 11 years or so behind in child support. My son has not seen him since he was 3. So there is no connection with him, except maybe anger. His step dad is his real dad.

I have a mom and a step-mom. Saying my birth mother sounds like I was adopted. So when it becomes necessary I do distinguish bio-mom and step-mom. As much as I like my step-mom I would never imagine calling her just mom. Would not call her my "real" mom either.

I do think "tone" is key. I think real, bio, birth, sperm/egg donor, et all can be disrespectful if used in that way. It isn't always disrespectful.

I think some people that have issue with the term bio mom has issue with the fact their child, wether they like it or not, has to mom. Seriously, I think of homosexual couples, when it is necessary how do they distinguish each other? They are both real parents, one has a biological connection the other doesn't. Does not make one more or one less worthy of the title Mom/Dad.
post #26 of 28
I only use bm/bio mom on the internet just to clarify. I don't ever really say it out loud. I do not care anymore if she is offended because she has been completely offensive to me. I have more terrible nicknames than anyone I know, and she uses them all when speaking to dss. I never, ever tell people he is my son, I always clarify and say he is my stepson. Always.

On the other side of this situation she tells people that her husband is his dad, and dss gets in trouble if he tells people he is his step-dad and not dad, they call my husband by his first name instead of referring to him as a parent to my dss. (he is very, very involved, we have half-time, completely joint custody) I think that calling her a biomom is minor compared to what we deal with. I would not feel bad using it in a forum, HOWEVER I would not want to offend other women in this situation because I like to believe not all mothers in this situation act this way. To me it is something I use only in step-parenting forums meaning, the other woman that parents this child. I don't really find it offensive in this context.

Sometimes I do feel like calling one a "real" mom seems slightly offensive because are step-parents not real? Idk, there are so many varying degrees of step-parenting sometimes it feels good to call her a bm instead of, like Protolawyer said, dealing with it irl, in a non-constructive way. I don't think I have used it on Mothering before though...and this is the most positive step-parenting forum I have ever been part of. (and it's been many)
post #27 of 28
but do you get that it's not just potentially offensive to her, but actually offensive to people who read that? And even though she introduces her husband as the father, two wrongs still don't make a right.
post #28 of 28
Maybe you didn't read my entire post.....Yes, I understand that, that is why I said this:
Originally Posted by ArtsyHeartsy View Post
HOWEVER I would not want to offend other women in this situation because I like to believe not all mothers in this situation act this way.
So, yes I do "get it."

I do not use this term here, but have used in in situations where there are ONLY stepmothers, here anyone, including non-steps, read these forums and so it creates this type of debate. It has never been an issue that I have seen, it's just an easy way to clarify. I don't use it blogging, I don't use it IRL, only on step-parenting forums and not often just because it's easier.

Calling her husband his father does not compare at all, all I was saying was that it wouldn't bother me to offend her, but I DON'T, she doesn't read this.

I have been a stepmom for 10 years, and this is just about all you can fault me on. I'll take it. I've been "the stronger person" not stooping to her level for many, many years. Doing everything by the book to create a healthy relationship between dss and I...and dh. (hoping for that appreciation we are supposed to get someday...) Please don't tell me that in a private anonymous forum where we are to feel safe posting about our frustrations, that two wrongs don't make a right. I know that. If you are the type of mom who APPRECIATES your child's stepmom that is great, it's not so in my situation and probably never will be.

And I will clarify, I would never, ever call her that irl, and always refer to her as "your mom" to my stepson. I am not out to offend "real" moms.
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