How do I tell people to stop giving us crap?

[MixerMama]

First, I’m sure this has been discussed before, but I couldn’t find it.
Second, I feel like a jerk complaining that my diamond shoes are too tight.
Okay, now that I’ve gotten that out of the way:
How do I tell people what my daughter would really want and what we really need?
I registered at Amazon.com for my baby shower, and everyone just picked junk from Babies R’ Us anyway. Family continues to load my daughter with toys that I consider to be plastic junk, and now I am pregnant with number two and am expecting an avalanche of more junk that I don’t need or want.
I was thinking of creating a “family website” to share pictures and movies of our daughter and the new little one when s/he arrives. We have a lot of family out of state that don’t get to see us very often. Would it be totally tacky to include a “wish list” page?
I’d like people to know that my daughter would much rather a visit, or a photograph of you than a talking baby. I’d also like to let people know that there are a few baby items that I would be glad to have if you have a neighbor who is giving them away or you happen across one a the thrift store.
I’d just like a way to communicate that we really don’t need a lot of new flashy stuff, but if you are going to spend the $ anyway, please buy me a used Ergo carrier, not a new Baby Bjorn.

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by erhowse

I’d like people to know that my daughter would much rather a visit, or a photograph of you than a talking baby. I’d also like to let people know that there are a few baby items that I would be glad to have if you have a neighbor who is giving them away or you happen across one a the thrift store.
I’d just like a way to communicate that we really don’t need a lot of new flashy stuff, but if you are going to spend the $ anyway, please buy me a used Ergo carrier, not a new Baby Bjorn.

Do you talk to them regularly? I'd absolutely give a "heads up" that I'm looking for certain used baby items, with the implication that I will pay them back. They can choose to purchase it as a gift if they like.

We get lots of stuff my kids don't use (junk and otherwise), and that doesn't fit in our space, from extended family. I just regularly declutter the stuff that isn't being used. We live far from family, and some of it simply gets left in my parents' attic for use when we visit.

If I got a Baby Bjorn, I'd return it if possible and put the money toward a used Ergo. But I'd def let people know that I'm looking for a bargain used Ergo, and ask them to keep their eyes out for one!

[Ruthla]

Welcome to MDC!!!

This is a tough question, and many of us have faced it. I don't think there really is a good answer for it, not without hurting people's feelings. I've managed to tell close family (grandparents) our wishes and have them respected, but I never managed to communicate my preferences to extended family or friends of the family. Then again, that was mostly for birthdays and Hanukkah- I mostly got baby clothes after my kids were born.

I never felt guilty about donating toys or clothes we had no need for (or no space for), even if the child hadn't outgrown the item yet. Once somebody gives me a gift, it's mine to do with as I please, and that includes the right to give it to the local thrift store. However, if you're getting a lot of new stuff from Babies R Us, you can probably return it for store credit (and then use the money for clothes or baby blankets or baby washcloths to use as cloth baby wipes- there's got to be SOMETHING in that store you could use!)

I did get vocal about noisy toys, since I'm hyper-sensitive to high-pitched noises and CANNOT tolerate being in a room with a noisy toy for more than about half an hour. Those toys aren't just "annoying" to me. They physically hurt my ears and cause me to have zero patience. I'd find myself snapping at the slightest thing and yelling louder than the toys. I had to explain to my in-laws that their precious grandchildren would rather have a Mommy who's able to interact with them than that particular toy they purchased!

I think it also helped that my Mom was supportive of my toy choices, and told all the other relatives what to get (and the fact that I would give away anything noisy if they bought it anyway.) Maybe you could get one relative to truly understand your values, and WHY you don't want "plastic junk", and then that person could steer other relatives towards better gift choices?

[hillymum]

I've taken to getting the natural toy shop cataloges sent to relatives to show them a different (better) kind of toy with the hope that they will see something that spikes their interest.

[SunshineJ]

Originally Posted by erhowse

I was thinking of creating a “family website” to share pictures and movies of our daughter and the new little one when s/he arrives. We have a lot of family out of state that don’t get to see us very often. Would it be totally tacky to include a “wish list” page?
I’d like people to know that my daughter would much rather a visit, or a photograph of you than a talking baby. I’d also like to let people know that there are a few baby items that I would be glad to have if you have a neighbor who is giving them away or you happen across one a the thrift store.
I’d just like a way to communicate that we really don’t need a lot of new flashy stuff, but if you are going to spend the $ anyway, please buy me a used Ergo carrier, not a new Baby Bjorn.

Honestly the way you just wrote that was very sweet and non-insulting, and yeah, make the website and write pretty much what you just did there. I really can't find anything wrong with that or the approach you just took.

[feminist~mama]

Honestly, I'd be willing to bet that if they aren't asking you what you want then they also aren't going to go hunting through thrift stores to find it for you... it's a nice thought though!

I think PP have said it well- don't feel guilty about returning or donating and just do the best you can! It's a tough situation- best of luck to you!

[isabchi]

My quick answer:
1.Tell everyone that you don't had any more plastic in your home. I'm very vocal myself about it.
2. I was very clear with my husband about not plastics, junk toys and unneed baby items. He still very vocal about, he makes a lot of jokes... I don't care if they say that I'm the crazy- picky one.
3. I talk a lot about the items that I really need for the new baby. ei. I look for new cloth diaper * brand,'cause we don't use disposable. Period!It's going to be really sad if somebody give us disposables, in that case we going to donate it.

Best!

[sharkysmom]

I have asked myself the same question a few times. Ds is now 6 1/2 months old and luckily I havent really gotten any junk. For my shower I received mostly what I asked for, other then a $400 Coach diaper bag??? I dont know who uses a $400 bag to put diapers in but it certainly isn't me! Since it was from dp side of the family I had to hold onto it for a while but am planning on auctioning it on e-bay asap.
My family so far has been very understanding of my natural approach so I hope they keep that up for the holidays, I struggled with the decision to make a wish list on Amazon with what I really wanted and needed for ds especially for dp family but I decided he is my child, it is my hosue and I want what I approve of. I have decided if I get anything I do not want I will give it to charity. I provided enough gifts in enough price ranges for everyone if they chose to disregard what I asked for then I will not feel bad donating it!
I think the wish list is a great idea!!

[JL83]

The best thing you can do is actually talk to the people who close to you.

But be careful with how you classify things. If you want to avoid junk, then say that... Don't just say no to plastic. Things like Lego are plastic and awesome toys. We have just as much wooden junk as plastic junk come through this house. Alot of wooden toys are junk or poorly thought out. Wooden cars that break after a few days of playing, wooden baby toys that look absolutely disgusting after being chewed on for a week by a teething baby. Or the difference between the Plan toys dollhouse people an the Mellisa and Doug ones...

What we've had luck with is asking the people around us for specific things. Instead of telling them what not to buy, we've suggested things for them to buy. This Christmas we're working on getting some Plan Toys (namely the dollhouse) for DD.

[MixerMama]

I guess I have two issues. One in that I need to "get over" feeling that I need to keep everything just because it was a gift. This is especially hard because the biggest culprit is also a frequent visitor. The only good thing is that she is about fifty/fifty on the gifts: half are thrift store treasures, half are big box junk. Hopefully she'll be reinforced by seeing all the thrift store finds in use, and realize that my daughter doesn't play with most of the junk.
The second issue is how to create a registry/wishlist that really has what I'd like on it. You can't register for trips to the park or a used wrap style baby carrier. I guess I know that there are enough friends and family that would appreciate and idea list to make it a worthwhile endeavor. As for the ones who won't consult it, or won't "get it" if they do, I just need to be okay with donating items that don't make the cut so that they can be loved and appreciated by someone else.
Does anyone have some good ideas about buildig a website?

[MixerMama]

Originally Posted by JL83

The best thing you can do is actually talk to the people who close to you.

But be careful with how you classify things. If you want to avoid junk, then say that... Don't just say no to plastic. Things like Lego are plastic and awesome toys. We have just as much wooden junk as plastic junk come through this house. Alot of wooden toys are junk or poorly thought out. Wooden cars that break after a few days of playing, wooden baby toys that look absolutely disgusting after being chewed on for a week by a teething baby. Or the difference between the Plan toys dollhouse people an the Mellisa and Doug ones...

What we've had luck with is asking the people around us for specific things. Instead of telling them what not to buy, we've suggested things for them to buy. This Christmas we're working on getting some Plan Toys (namely the dollhouse) for DD.

I've tried, but maybe I am too subtle. Then again when I was explicit about not wanting any gifts before my daughter was born.... well, you can't even imagine the issue that turned into.
I'ver tried working it into conversation about how chilren play less creativly with electronic toys, or charachter associated toys. And I don't have a particualr aversion to plastic. In fact, one of my daughter's favorite toys is dollar store "baby" that might be of questionable materials.... but she doesn't need a new "baby" every time someone comes to visit; especially when that person visits almost weekly.

[JL83]

Originally Posted by erhowse

I've tried, but maybe I am too subtle. Then again when I was explicit about not wanting any gifts before my daughter was born.... well, you can't even imagine the issue that turned into.
I'ver tried working it into conversation about how chilren play less creativly with electronic toys, or charachter associated toys. And I don't have a particualr aversion to plastic. In fact, one of my daughter's favorite toys is dollar store "baby" that might be of questionable materials.... but she doesn't need a new "baby" every time someone comes to visit; especially when that person visits almost weekly.

Personally, I would say that giving reasons like that reduce your credibility.

IME, children play just fine with character toys. My DD has little figurines for shows like Dora and she, at just 3, will play for more than an hour with those figurines taking them on adventures. Same thing with the miniature My Little Ponies she got for her birthday. She might start off reenacting a show she's seen, but it very quickly becomes a springboard for her own stuff. I will agree that there are LOTS of very very very crappy character toys. But that doesn't mean that all character are crappy. Same thing with electronic ones.

There are good ones and crappy ones. So to lump them all together and say something like kids play "less creatively" with electronic toys hurts your case.

That's why I'd focus on what you do want. For awhile we wanted wooden puzzles for DD. So we pointed out that she was wrecking the cardboard ones we'd tried (in the 12-24 piece range) because she'd bend the keys. That was a concrete non judgmental reason that made sense to our in-laws and so they got her a couple wooden jigsaws.

[St. Margaret]

What ended up working for me was to blog about all the stuff I was researching, comment on birth board friends' blogs and then they'd comment on mine, and we'd create this converstation about how we were doing no plastic, what kind of things we did want, where to get it all, etc etc. But my ILs are really good at finding you online (hi? ) and so without even realizing, I had communicated to that whole family about our values/wishes. They were incredibly respectful about it all, even if they didn't always get it. And my family is just very open and chill and already knew what we were doing as parents, we just talked about it.

I think a web site is a great place to start.

[mamaofthree]

probably you will still get that stuff even if you say nicely (or not so nicely) that you don't want it in your home... i would donate/thrift store/second hand store what you don't want. i love the website idea... nothing wrong with having a wish list, and i think many people have no idea what to get so they get whatever is popular, that way when they go look at the kids they can see what you would like.
one thing i would caution is alot of the natural toys are pretty pricey and alot of the plastic crap is not.
my dear MIL will load up on the dollar store junk for my kids to get everyone something (usually 5 things that fall apart in a day) and no matter how many time i have said "get us a board game" that cost $20.00 she still buys 5 kids 5 dollar store items, that end up in the recycling OR the thrift store when we get home) i know she means well, but sheesh! LOL

good luck and WELCOME!

h

[Cavy]

I have asked friends & distant relatives to stop giving gifts, period.
Sometimes U have 2 choose your battles. I am very picky about what DC eat, but shrug my shoulders about gift quality -- at least the bad gifts I can cart off to charity shop or dump in trash as soon as they break.

[Caneel]

I think it is probably impossible to change this type of purchasing/gift giving -

Originally Posted by mamaofthree

my dear MIL will load up on the dollar store junk for my kids to get everyone something (usually 5 things that fall apart in a day) and no matter how many time i have said "get us a board game" that cost $20.00 she still buys 5 kids 5 dollar store items

especially in older generations or in people that may have experienced true periods of need in their lives.

I can see it my own family. Certain members would be unable to spending that $20 on one toy, they are programed and condition to buy 5 of the $5 toys. It would pain them to spend $X on one item when $X would buy 5.

Almost like a weird, gift-giving hoarder-transfered mentality combined with money issues.

[gcgirl]

In my experience, nothing seems to work. Even my mom, who I'm fairly close to, doesn't hew that closely to my wishes on gifts. It's always been that way, even for Xmas and birthdays - she might ask what I want or have a good idea because I've been talking about something for ages, but then she'll go in some random direction that she thinks is related to what I actually want, but it will be totally wrong. I have aunts and uncles and cousins who do the same thing.

I knew it would just continue when we had our baby shower for DS. I put a bunch of USEFUL items on my list, like cloth diapers and such, but we got a ton of bibs and receiving blankets (we don't use either one much) and a bunch of baby toys we didn't need/want/rarely if ever used. I also was very specific that we would GLADLY accept secondhand items, but only one friend took that seriously and got us a used diaper bag full of used clothes and goodies. That was one useful present.

And just a few days ago, my mom called about a plastic toy kitchen she found at Target, when I had specifically discussed my search for a small, wooden, no-batteries-required kitchen (inexpensive!) and finally picked one out and emailed it to her to show her. Once again...

So, I feel your frustration, and I know lots of people who feel the same way, but very few people are willing to cooperate, kwim?

[Anastasiya]

How do I put this nicely?

A lot of people buy things for others because it's expected of them, not because they really want to get what someone else really wants or needs. I see it time and time again with baby showers - people hardly ever get what they really need, because for lots of people it takes too much time to meet someone's "picky" request. It's just easier to head over to Walmart and pick up "whatever" so you have the "required" gift and will receive an acknowledgment.

I admit even I've been like that at time - so and so had a baby - I must acknowledge - buy something quickly. Getting something off a registry would, for me, take about three times longer (because those stores aren't near me) and require too much effort.

If you get things you don't like, seriously - return them or give them away. We've all been there. It'll never stop happening.

[LynnS6]

IMO, I don't think you can do this without seeming greedy or demanding. I find it works better to send out regular anecdotes and family updates via e-mail, where I talk about what my kids are doing and what they're interested in. "So, M is still fascinated by weddings after L & B's wedding this summer. She's having a really good time pretending that the Playmobil people are getting married. She took the flowers out of the vase and used them as a bridal bouquet." or "T has created some great stories about his stuffed penguins. They've got two servants: Buffy the Buffalo is their chauffeur and butler, and Mrs. Mousey Maid is the house help and nanny. Penguin adopted Flappy before he got married to Empie, and then they added Humboldt to their family. T's convinced that because they penguin family is rich, there's always room for more penguins in the family."

That does two things: First, it keeps up the connection. That way, when we see these people once or twice a year, they have an idea of what to talk to my kids about. Second, it helps direct the gift buying to my kids' interests.

Originally Posted by erhowse

especially when that person visits almost weekly.

Ah, now that is different. I would say instead "Mom (Dad, MIL, beloved aunt), I really want my kids to love you for who YOU are. When you bring presents all the time, I'm afraid they're going to think of you only for the stuff that you bring. Can we plan some special things to do while you're here so you still feel like the kids have something to look forward to? What if we bake and decorate cookies together? Or do you have something special that you did as a child that you'd like to pass on to our kids?"

Originally Posted by erhowse

I guess I have two issues. One in that I need to "get over" feeling that I need to keep everything just because it was a gift.

Yep. I learned that the hard way with my MIL. I love my mother in law. She's kind and generous. When we were first married she said "It doesn't matter what day we celebrate the holidays on. We're just happy to have you come some time during the holiday season." She's kept us afloat a couple of years when things were really tough financially. If I'm half the mother in law that she is, I'll be doing well. But she loves a bargain. She buys cheap junk at 1/2 price. I smile, say thank you and give it away. It's not personal. (She also buys gallons of milk and freezes it in quart portions because it's cheaper. It tastes vile, but she doesn't notice.)

Originally Posted by erhowse

The second issue is how to create a registry/wishlist that really has what I'd like on it. You can't register for trips to the park or a used wrap style baby carrier. I guess I know that there are enough friends and family that would appreciate and idea list to make it a worthwhile endeavor.

I'd do a blog at something like blogspot.com. You can tell family to check it to keep up with you. You can then rave about things you like, or even post a family wish list with things like : Someone to take Older Child to the park and get some of that energy out, reheatable dinners for after Baby is born, a gently used Ergo carrier (post a picture so people can see it) -- that'll help our new family be green!

[Drummer's Wife]

Originally Posted by Sancta

If you get things you don't like, seriously - return them or give them away. We've all been there. It'll never stop happening.

That's pretty much what I was going to suggest. I know it seems like a lot of stuff, and it may be a bit of a hardship for you to donate/get rid of. But I really think that's the best way to go about it - graciously accept gifts, hand-me-downs, things not off your registry/wish list - and keep what you want.