it always bothers me

[poetesss]

...when I hear about others' birth experiences. I mean the typical hospital ones where mom is rushed from a doctor's appointment to the hospital just because she happened to be dilated to 4 cm, the ones where water broke and there was hysteria about inducing labor, etc. etc. So a relative is currently in labor and of course, rushed off to the hospital at the first pangs of labor. At 1 cm on arrival, admitted, and less than 6 hours into it is already on a pit drip. Of course no one thinks there is anything abnormal about this.

I just can't seem to brush it off, ignore it, not let it bother me. It just does. I have to learn to let go and let live, but somehow I am very sensitive to these things and hearing about these type of births makes me ache, wishing we had a better system.

[Mama~Love]

It bothers me too. I pretend not to hear, or read about. Luckily my family members' are done having babies, I hope anyway.

[happybunny]

I can totally relate. My SIL's best friend was pregnant right along with me. She had her baby in November, I'm due in a week and a half. She had the typical hospital birth experience. Water broke, went to the hospital within an hour, was put on Pitocin even though she had regular contractions. Baby hadn't dropped quite yet and she was dilating slowly but steadily. She got the epidural at 4 cm. There was already talk of a c-section at this point. She got to 10cm within 14 hours of her water breaking, was pushing for one hour and the doctor tells her she is doing everything right, but the baby just won't come out this way. No sense in trying any longer. So she had an "emergency" c-section. Afterward she was told that she supposedly has a tilted uterus and she will now always have to have c-sections.

Meanwhile I am planning on a homebirth and all I hear about is this story. Don't get me wrong, my family is fairly supportive of our decision. But SIL has already told me that I must just have the right kind of body for pregnancy and birth, because I haven't had any complications yet. So I guess somehow I am special, because everybody else has some kind of problem. People don't seem to understand that birth does not have to be a scary medical event. And if you have an uncomplicated, natural birth they think you were either just lucky or you are some kind of freak of nature. There is so much fear surrounding childbirth in this culture! People just can't accept that women's bodies are not broken.

Hearing about this friend's pregnancy and birth bothered me A LOT. I tried to really be supportive and understanding. I constantly felt like I needed to rescue her, because she seemed to believe all along that somehow she couldn't do this. It is really difficult to step back and let go. I bit my tongue so many times. At this point no one in the family is allowed to bring this friend up in conversations with me. I need to not worry about all this stuff right now. My baby could come any day and I just want to be excited and feel good about my own choices.

[shells_n_cheese]

I feel the same way. I get very anxious when I start to hear so and so is in labor, or even just pregnant.

[laughingfox]

I get sad about this, too.
I just can't wrap my brain around how people can hear stories like these and see them as "normal" while natural birth is so feared and reviled.

Like happybunny said, women are made to think there's something "wrong" with them and they "can't" give birth without all of this "assistance".

It leaves you wondering what to say, how to support them as a friend.
You want to be tell them there's nothing wrong with their body, tell them that it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with standard policies- maybe if they were allowed to stand, walk, change positions, eat, or simply allowed to take their time, the chances are ridiculously high that they would never have "needed" invasive medical intervention/surgery.
..but at the same time, trying to offer such support and statistics can be seen as criticizing their choices, or telling them it's their fault for not putting up a fight, even though that's not what you're trying to say at all.

[dogretro]

I hate all these stories, too. It's part of why I am so glad that a place like this forum exists

[happybunny]

Originally Posted by laughingfox

..but at the same time, trying to offer such support and statistics can be seen as criticizing their choices, or telling them it's their fault for not putting up a fight, even though that's not what you're trying to say at all.

Exactly.

[Tattooed Hand]

Originally Posted by dogretro

I hate all these stories, too. It's part of why I am so glad that a place like this forum exists

I feel the same way. I'm having a home birth, and at BEST, I get an indulgent, condescending, "we'll see" from the people around me. At worst I get reactions about how dangerous something like that is, as if I am attempting open heart surgery alone. I'd go nuts if I didn't have somewhere to come and chat with like minded people and learn from people with more experience and knowledge than me.

[scottishmommy]

i just start throwing statistics at people. for healthy mamas who have no complications, homebirths are safer. i was actually talking about this the other day with my dad, whose an MD. he basically said that OBs practice unethical medicine. they don't seem to take the whole "above all do no harm" thing very seriously. my father, for the record, is super mainstream about medicine. he doesn't believe in acupuncture or chiropractic or anything like that. he is a strong supporter of homebirth, though, because he knows the risks of going to the hospital when you're in labor. the risks are real! pop culture is very influential in this society. right now it dictates how we birth our babies. most people can't be bothered to actually weigh risk. they just do what everyone else does. it's sad and frustrating. i try to educate women as much as i can about what really goes on.....

[Serenyd]

Originally Posted by scottishmommy

most people can't be bothered to actually weigh risk. they just do what everyone else does. it's sad and frustrating.

Esp when it's something stupid, like a c-section for a first-time mom because her baby is going to be "huge" and when it's born it's only 7 or 8 lbs.... those really bother me.

I feel like I can't say anything to any of my mainstream friends about how they plan to birth because
I will be seen as being judgemental or just plain nuts.

[Mama~Love]

About educating women.....some really don't care! I mean, they care about their babies, but think that Dr.'s "know what's best" and will do anything & everything they say, without a single thought about it. They'd rather be decorating the nursery, buying expensive needless junk, or coordinating their baby's wardrobe. Sad but true.

How could someone NOT care how their baby enters the world, and where? And don't get me started on the vain mothers who have a C/S just to get a tummy tuck at the same time, or because it might ruin their sex lives to have a vaginal birth. To put your sex life ahead of your baby's well-being is very selfish!

[lilabet]

Don't be too rose tinted spectacle-ish about the other side though. Just read my birth story to see how blase the midwives in the UK are now. (See Birth Stories forum, posted not that long ago.)

[lilabet]

Huh? Is someone deleting my posts? I just put something up that disappeared... Odd. Anyway, I was saying, going totally the other way, where midwives practice the norm, leaves a lot of people in the UK beyond the help of the hospital system. We aren't even allowed to remain at hospital until we're 4cms dilated, and neither will a midwfie stay with you - this is my story, and it's normal... The grass is not always greener.

Ah ok it came back! Sorry.

[Peace+Hope]

of course, it is GOOD to be thinking critically of the system, but difficult for me to leave that "at the door" when i'm hearing about/thinking about the experiences of friends and family.

i don't judge them as women i know and love, but i can't not feel sad or sorry for their experiences, or even questioning (which i keep to myself - like, REALLY, your pelvis is too narrow to birth vaginally? maybe the pit/epidural cocktail and you lying on your back with IVs for hours had something to do with that stalled labor?) and this makes me feel guilty and judgmental in turn.

i'm most concerned other women i know will be afraid i'm judging their experiences by choosing to step out of the system they trust, when i really just want what's best for me!

it's a hard balance...

[phoebemommy]

It's hard for me, too... I never understand how women can't see that they're being subjected to truly inhumane treatment in some of the stories I hear.

[Mama~Love]

Originally Posted by phoebemommy

It's hard for me, too... I never understand how women can't see that they're being subjected to truly inhumane treatment in some of the stories I hear.

Yes, especially the rough pelvic exams & the bullying into unnecessary interventions. I shudder & cry inside for them.

[GreenGranolaMama]

It bugs me too... we had to have our birth at the hospital because of insurance issues, but I was defiantly the one telling all of the nurses to PLEASE leave me alone! There are parts of my sons birth that totally bugged me...and it was completely and totally intervention free! It was just the looks I got from the nurses... I vomited during transition (completely, totally, 100% normal) and the look on her face was like "GREAT now I'm going to have to clean that up!" I KNOW, KNOW,KNOW our next one will be born at home.

[Lizbiz]

Yep, it bothers me tremendously too. I wish people just took a little time to ask more questions. I feel lucky I was raised that way, and just seem to have the personality for it. But, many do not, or do not feel any reason to question their doctor or the hospital.

And then after the fact, it's even more difficult to have conversations about it, because then you are treading on very sensitive ground - questioning a person's choices or decisions - which isn't the intention, but it's a sensitive subject, and can come off that way. I have a wonderful cousin who is as strong as a horse - whose doctor told her she'd never have babies natrually because her pelvis was just too small and her babies were too big after she had a c-section for an 8 pound baby. This is a woman who's bigger boned than I am and is a healthy marathon runner. After I had a 6 pound baby she said I just 'got lucky' having a small one! I didn't mention that my smaller-boned sister just gave birth to her first - a ten pounder - and no problems witih her apparently small pelvis (she is actually quite narrow).

Doctors stink sometimes! My dad is one, and is in fact, wonderful and can't believe what's happened to the birthing world.

[poetesss]

I agree, it is sensitive to talk about. First of all, they think we're freaking fools for doing what we do, so they are naturally going to judge anything we say. I have to learn to keep my mouth shut. I will sometimes bring up stuff beforehand, but you can't possibly educate someone yourself on all these issues. It has to come from within. And if the doctor is telling them something, it becomes a matter of "well who the hell are you to tell me otherwise?"

Ugh...I really have to process by focusing on my own awesome births, writing about them, etc. for me to get over this stuff. Esp. now, since I'm so close to the person I'm getting a blow-by-blow account of the hospital ineptitude in action. I've been wanting to scream all day. I just hope a c/s for "failure to progress" is not the outcome.

[happybunny]

Originally Posted by poetesss

Ugh...I really have to process by focusing on my own awesome births, writing about them, etc. for me to get over this stuff. Esp. now, since I'm so close to the person I'm getting a blow-by-blow account of the hospital ineptitude in action. I've been wanting to scream all day. I just hope a c/s for "failure to progress" is not the outcome.

This is exactly what happened to me. I was updated as things progressed and I could just see where it was going.