Obsessed with having another baby, he wants to wait

[Kelly1101]

I don't know if this thread is in the right place, but it kind of deals with my relationship with my husband. Possibly if there was a "crazy person" sub-forum, it would go there, since I think I'm being a total nut. But, here it is:

I am completely obsessed with having another baby. I want one so bad I don't know what to do. We just had our first child 7 months ago. We have agreed that we want at least one more. But I brought it up about a month ago, kind of out of the blue: "Hey, I want to have another baby." And he says, "Yeah, so do I, but we're going to have to get things more in order first." And apparently I looked disappointed and he laughs and says "Well, did you think I was just going to say Sure Let's Go!" Which I reckon I didn't, but still. That's the same stuff he said before we had Emma, and if we had been waiting until everything was "perfect" (financially, and with schools/jobs/ya know) before having her, we would probably NEVER have kids.

I think the problem is that I think about this SOOO much, but I'm not talking to him about it. And I'm number one advocate of "always talk to your partner about everything you're feeling". But I just am having this psycho aversion to talking to him about it, for weird reasons. Like, that if I tell him how much I want to get pregnant again, and we end up having a long conversation in which the answer is "no," and then what if I got accidentally pregnant right afterwards, what if he thought I did it on purpose and got angry about it instead of being happy?

The thing is, we COULD get pregnant at any time-- my period is back, and we don't do "real" birth control, just withdrawal. But that was what we used for SIX YEARS before we got pregnant (unintentionally) with Emma. So I'm thinking, what if we have a fertility issue? What if it's really hard for us to get pregnant, and we should start addressing that soon before I get too old? I don't know, I just have random worries about it.

And again, I don't know if the whole "we need our situation to be better" thing is just an excuse, and he's really hesitant about having more children at all? I mean, our situation isn't THAT bad-- he wants to buy a house, but I don't think that having another baby would really do anything to STOP that, I mean Emma costs hardly any money, since I'm nursing and doing cloth diapers. Really just clothes, but we don't even buy that many clothes since she gets so many hand-me-downs from friends with kids.

Okay, I'm rambling all over the place, but I guess my mind is all scattered about this anyway, it's like I'm being clouded because I just WANT so badly to be pregnant again and have another child. So maybe he's right and we should wait, and I'm being completely irrational. Is it just a hormonal thing? Am I going through a phase or something?

I'm at a total loss of what to do. Or should I just do nothing and see if I accidentally get pregnant again?

Or am I being completely insane?

[doubledutch]

in your mid-20s with a very young, nursing infant, why are you "obsessed" with having another baby right now? what void are you trying to fill?

[sharr610]

Are you a SAHM? I found that once my DS was growing up and needing me less, I got obsessed with #2 as well. Granted, I have about 10 years on you, so the clock was for sure ticking...That aside, I think when you start associating yourself as a mom, you just start associating yourself as a mom, but that can create an unhealthy balance if you aren't careful.
Now, if you all talked about timing and such beforehand, perhaps its time to remind your DH that the baby needs to cook for a bit, etc. But if he wants to buy a house, well, thats kinda sweet. Lots of men want nests for their families before growing them.

Be honest, but also, start exploring some other interests of yours. Desire and concern are fine, but obsession isn't healthy.

[Learning_Mum]

When DS1 was about 9 months old I started wanting another baby desperately. I've heard others say the same thing at around the same age.

I think maybe it's something to do with the baby getting 'easier' and hormones. We didn't get up having DS2 until DS1 was 2yo. Going from one to two is hard (at least it was for me) so I would suggest you wait. Even now that DS2 is 18 months and DS1 is 4yo I still feel like one or other is having to wait and missing out on something.

[marisa724]

From a practical point of view, because nursing is an important part of your parenting as well as a way to keep your finances in line, avoiding conceiving again before she is 1 would be wise. I talk to a lot of nursing moms and many find that their milk supply plummets after becoming pregnant -- if that happened to you in the next month or two you would be obligated to buy formula for your DD to be sure she was getting enough nutrition.

I do think it's hormonal, and I don't think you're insane. I think you've gotten to the point where maybe your strong hormonal cocktail is starting to mellow a bit, and like a junkie you're jonesing for another fix. It's so much harder the second time around, though, when you have the first baby to care for as well. My kids are 4 years apart and it was still quite a challenge. You don't get the lazy no-schedule days where you can nap whenever you want anymore. What if you have morning sickness? I had all-day sickness for several weeks with DS2, and DS1 and I watched videos in the afternoon -- not something you can do with an infant!

I would talk to DH about it, but be honest. Tell him what's going on in your head, and ask him what kinds of things you can be doing as a family to get to where he's comfortable TTC again. Next year. If you have a plan in place then at least you can calm yourself with the idea that even if you can't be pregnant again right now, you have a date in mind to look forward to.

[SuzyLee]

Does she sleep in a crib? Does she STTN? These are practical concerns if you are thinking about another baby. Most 7 month old babies don't- they are still nrusing at night and co-sleeping. Of course maybe you have what DH and I call a "magic baby" who sleeps 12 hour stretches all by herself!

I too, have heard a lot of women say that they really wanted a baby around the 9 month mark. Boy were they glad they didn't act on it when 9 months later their 18 month old was a huge handful! Of course if you did get pg right now you would find a way to make it work, but it will be a heck of a lot easier on both kids if you wait!

I think the WHO recommends 3 year child placement based on medical research. I don't have a link to back it up (and we didn't follow ti to the letter so I'm not judging!) but the reason is basically that a pg is hard on your body, esp. since you are still nursing. You need to give yourself time to heal, and build back up your stores.

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 1/3/11 at 12:22pm

[Kelly1101]

Originally Posted by doubledutch

in your mid-20s with a very young, nursing infant, why are you "obsessed" with having another baby right now? what void are you trying to fill?

I'm not sure... I was asking myself the same questions. I don't know what kind of "void" it would be, I never felt this way until after I had one baby...

And yeah, at my age it may seem a little silly to be so stressed, but there is kind of a big age difference between my husband and I (10 years), and we've talked before about wanting to be done having babies by the times I'm 30 and he's 40.

Originally Posted by sharr610

Are you a SAHM? I found that once my DS was growing up and needing me less, I got obsessed with #2 as well. Granted, I have about 10 years on you, so the clock was for sure ticking...That aside, I think when you start associating yourself as a mom, you just start associating yourself as a mom, but that can create an unhealthy balance if you aren't careful.

I am a SAHM, and maybe it's something like that. It's true that my life has revolved so much around the baby since she was born, I could be losing myself in that a little bit.

Now, if you all talked about timing and such beforehand, perhaps its time to remind your DH that the baby needs to cook for a bit, etc. But if he wants to buy a house, well, thats kinda sweet. Lots of men want nests for their families before growing them.

That's something that I've definitely thought about-- I mean, there is no guarantee that we would immediately become pregnant as soon as we start trying, it may take a while, then add nine months on top of that... it's not like as soon as he says "okay, let's try" I'll just pop one out that evening.

Originally Posted by SuzyLee

Does she sleep in a crib? Does she STTN? These are practical concerns if you are thinking about another baby. Most 7 month old babies don't- they are still nrusing at night and co-sleeping. Of course maybe you have what DH and I call a "magic baby" who sleeps 12 hour stretches all by herself!

She STTN, but she's still co-sleeping (which is probably why she STTN so well-- she doesn't night-nurse anymore, but sleeps a lot better if I'm next to her anyway, because every once in a while she'll stir and if I'm right there she'll settle back down). I think we're finally going to get her a crib next week, but that's more just for naps-- she's so mobile now, I'm always scared of her falling off the bed. We're going to start to transition her out of the bed soon, but yeah, that is one big concern-- I needed a LOT of room to sleep when I was pregnant. And since we sleep with her on the inside next to the wall, then me, then my husband on the outside, trying to get out of and get back in the bed six times a night to pee would be a real PITA.

See, thanks for making me think of all these things, haha.

Originally Posted by marisa724

From a practical point of view, because nursing is an important part of your parenting as well as a way to keep your finances in line, avoiding conceiving again before she is 1 would be wise. I talk to a lot of nursing moms and many find that their milk supply plummets after becoming pregnant -- if that happened to you in the next month or two you would be obligated to buy formula for your DD to be sure she was getting enough nutrition.

This is true, and thanks for pointing it out. I mean, I know that in a perfect biological situation, I wouldn't even be fertile until after it was safe to wean anyway. So maybe I should take a hint from that.

I do think it's hormonal, and I don't think you're insane. I think you've gotten to the point where maybe your strong hormonal cocktail is starting to mellow a bit, and like a junkie you're jonesing for another fix.

Hahaha, yeah, part of me is thinking that this has a LOT to do with it... with my period just starting back up, I've been having a lot of rollercoaster hormones anyway.

It's so much harder the second time around, though, when you have the first baby to care for as well. My kids are 4 years apart and it was still quite a challenge. You don't get the lazy no-schedule days where you can nap whenever you want anymore. What if you have morning sickness? I had all-day sickness for several weeks with DS2, and DS1 and I watched videos in the afternoon -- not something you can do with an infant!

See, I think part of why I feel so "I could so do this right now" is because I had such an easy, awesome pregnancy and birth. No morning sickness at all, just a little fatigue, I felt GREAT the entire time. But then again, I need to remind myself that just because I had one easy pregnancy, doesn't guarantee that I'll have another.

I would talk to DH about it, but be honest. Tell him what's going on in your head, and ask him what kinds of things you can be doing as a family to get to where he's comfortable TTC again. Next year. If you have a plan in place then at least you can calm yourself with the idea that even if you can't be pregnant again right now, you have a date in mind to look forward to.

I think this is really what I'm going to have to do. Maybe this weekend, when we get some low-stress time, just try to get a time-frame of where we have to be, before we start trying. I think just having a plan so that I'm not all like "oh, I'm never going to have another one" will probably help.


Thanks so much for the replies, ya'll... I was working myself up so much about it, just talking about it has helped my state of mind on this a LOT.

[Caneel]

Originally Posted by Kelly1101

See, I think part of why I feel so "I could so do this right now" is because I had such an easy, awesome pregnancy and birth. No morning sickness at all, just a little fatigue, I felt GREAT the entire time. But then again, I need to remind myself that just because I had one easy pregnancy, doesn't guarantee that I'll have another.

I can really relate to the above. While I won't go so far to say my pregnancy was great, the period from bring DS home to until recently was so easy. His first year was like a dream, it was so magical and wonderful. We aren't having another and it is almost like I am mourning the loss of not having that feeling again as much as mouring not having another child.

I do agree with everyone else, try to give yourself some time. Enjoy the present and try not to obsess about the next one.

[marisa724]

I can totally relate to your 'feeling great' comment! I had the 'perfect' pregnancy with DS1 as well, save a little sciatic pain as it got closer to the end. I wasn't really prepared to feel so crummy the second time around, but there were a few weeks there.... I was eating very little (which probably only made me feel worse) and in a shining moment, I actually puked in the parking lot of the bank! (Of course DS1 was there to witness that -- and report back to DH later on. "Mommy puked at the bank!" LOL!)

There's never a "perfect" time to have a baby, not for most of us, but there are things you can do to make it a little easier on yourself. I think you're on the right track!

[myra_mcgray]

When I read your post I thought I bet she just recently got her period back and started ovulating. I then read further and confirmed this was true. I think this crazy feeling is because your body is crazy right now, and don't worry we used withdrawl for 2.5 years without conceiving and then got pregnant with our son and after getting giving birth to our son we used withdraw and got pregnant when he was 16 months old while still nursing DS non-stop. 25 months apart seems like great spacing but it was definitely hard during the pregnancy to feel like my son was getting everything he needed from me. I would assume that if you are having regular periods you are as fertile and you were before baby just because you are nursing does not mean that your fertility is compromised.

[velochic]

Hormones can be a dangerous thing. The bottom line is that if either of you are not wanting a baby, it's a moot point. The baby would be just as much your dh's as it would be yours. He has a right to have a say when to have children, too. That is, if your relationship is a healthy one.

[laurelg]

Originally Posted by velochic

Hormones can be a dangerous thing. The bottom line is that if either of you are not wanting a baby, it's a moot point. The baby would be just as much your dh's as it would be yours. He has a right to have a say when to have children, too. That is, if your relationship is a healthy one.

I totally agree with this.

And, OP: You're acknowledging that you're hormonal and a little nutty. Let your DH be the voice of reason for a while, and don't try to push him toward something you know is a crazy idea! You still have YEARS to get preg within your timeline, and you're on the same page with your DH about wanting more eventually... That's more than many women can say. Enjoy your still very much a baby DD and relax... More will come in due time!

[lakeruby]

It sounds like your feelings are totally normal for your situation! I agree with the other posters-- I think it would be great to have a good talk with you DH about how you're feeling, and maybe make some more concrete plans (if he's into that). For instance, if he says you two need to be in a more secure place, maybe try figuring out what that really means for the both of you, and set goals that you can reach before you're both ready again.

Also, maybe doing some things to distract yourself would help too.

As far as being infertile-- I don't think you should worry. I have friends who have used the withdrawl method for many years, and then conceived on their first or second try. However, I have read (on other threads) that using the withdrawl method is less effective (for some reason) after you've had a baby, so...watch out!
Whatever happens, have fun and good luck!

[Seie]

I felt like that with all my babies. So I got pregnant when my oldest was 15 months, and then again when my second was 9 months old.
I think many women feel like that - so it is probably normal. But it is also hormones and a lot of other things talking. I kind of regretted having my third so close to the second as it ruined our nursing relationship. So my personal advice - froms someone whos been there done that, and who didn't listen to any kind of reason - is to keep it cool for another 6 months or so. Allow things to settle a bit more - spend more time with your baby. Enjoy being able to give baby all your attention. It is the only time you will ever have where you can give a child your almost undivided attention - once you get to kid no 2 or 3 or more - that option is just not there.
Boring boring advice - I know. I also know that people gave me that same advice when I wanted to get pg right away, and I just thought they were boring play-safe mainstreamers who just really didn't understand.
If you have a baby now - sure you will be thrilled and happy and all. But really - there is no danger in waiting just a few more months and it will make a big difference whether there is 16 months or 20 months between babies. Really.

[Serenyd]

Sounds like normal hormones to me! I started feeling that way with DS2 around 9 months and BAM by 12 months I was pregnant again, and wow, talk about exhausting. Maybe a better woman than me can take it in stride but with nursing during the pregnancy and trying to take care of a toddler and be pregnant and not getting enough rest I found myself, saying, I will never have kids this close together again! Now, I just have to keep telling myself that!

[Serenyd]

Originally Posted by Seie

Enjoy being able to give baby all your attention. It is the only time you will ever have where you can give a child your almost undivided attention - once you get to kid no 2 or 3 or more - that option is just not there.

Yeah, that too. Boohoo...