homeschooling an only

[Stacey B]

I know there used to be a thread like this around but I can never do a successful search here. We just made the decision to not have any more children and I need to get my mind around homeschooling just one. It seems to me that it shouldn't be too different but what are some of the unique issues that it brings up? (I'm not sure if this makes total sense I'm sort of tired)

[Daffodil]

I don't have an only, but when I think about homeschooling one, all I come up with are positives. You won't have to worry about keeping a younger sibling occupied while you focus on doing something with your DS. I'm pretty sure I'd be doing a lot more interesting homeschooling stuff with my older kid if it weren't for the younger one. You'll be able to go anywhere that interests your DS, without worrying whether siblings will find it interesting. You'll be able to do things that would be impossible with a younger sibling around. I can only go skiing with DD when DP is available to watch her younger brother. I've never taken her to an art museum, because I know her little brother would be bored and whiny. You'll have more money to spend on your DS's supplies and activities.

The only possible issue I can see is that your DS might have more of a need to get together with other kids, since he won't have another kid at home to play with. But it will be easier for you to get out of the house and do things with other homeschooled kids than it will be for parents who have more than one to manage, so I don't think you'll need to worry about that too much.

[Marimami]

We have an only and I think there are some challenges.

1. We are her best friends. She really enjoys spending time with us, which is truly wonderful. But, it means that she really isn't that keen on doing a lot of stuff by herself. She'll do some things on her own but it's not at all like I hear from friends of mine who homeschool more than 1. She also hasn't been interested in taking enrichment classes or outside activities on her own just yet. But, if she had a sibling she could do it with, I think it would be a totally different thing.

2. It's really hard to make sure she has enough time just for free play with friends. We have a lot of kids in our neighborhood but our houses are spread out a lot (1-2 acre lots), and no one else her age is homeschooled or around during the day. So, we basically have to go somewhere to make sure she has free play time with other kids. She sees other kids all the time for different activities, but there just never seems to be enough free play time. That free play that happens just when kids are sitting around seemingly doing nothing and making up their silly and fun games together.....so it is nothing to do with homeschooling really, just being an only.

3. She doesn't really have many opportunities to have to be patient. She is generally a really patient kid but sometimes she gets frustrated and thinks she needs help immediately and kind of freaks out. If she had opportunities to learn that other kids need us too, I think she would have had to develop some better coping skills. Don't get me wrong--we work with her on this, but it is still a totally different thing if she knew another whole person needed us too...you know?

There are a lot of reasons we are only having 1 child, and we are happy with the decision. But, I'd say for reason #2 above I sometimes wish we had more than 1. That's hardly a good enough reason for me, though!

Holli

[WhaleinGaloshes]

My only child is 4 so I am limited help, but I am actively planning for homeschooling her next year and beyond. I agree with the pluses of having only one learner but I find there is also a fairly deep web of intangible complications (I won't call them 'negatives') to the situation. I'm also a single mother, so again take my perspective for what it is.

There is a lot of pressure on the one-parent/one-kid relationship IMO. There can be a kind of 'partnership' that can occur that sounds great but in practice poses some challenges. She almost takes too much on herself; but again, I don't know how much of that is the only child and how much is the 'only parent' dynamic in my house.

My daughter definitely needs a community and her need for this at times outpaces my success in giving it to her. This puts pressure a bit on her relationship with me because I am her best friend and also her 'practice rival.' My friends with multiple kids say to me "but at least she can't fight and quibble and tussle all day with a sibling" and it's hard to explain but she fights, quibbles and tussles with me. The kind of social practice kids get with their siblings, much of it 'negative,' I can only speak for my daughter but she definitely turns it on me. Which can be a strain.

I'm not articulating it well, but these things make our relationship somewhat harder to navigate, which is not 'bad' it's just the way it is, but I'm mindful of it. I have no idea if any of what I've written will make sense to someone else, though

[DaughterOfKali]

My son is an only. We get together with at least one other child at least 3 times a week.
Although my son loves having another child or two around, he concentrates better when it's just him doing work. I leave the group learning for more hands on lessons/activities.

[Needle in the Hay]

I have an only (8 yrs old) and love homeschooling. As for unique issues, I don't really have anything to compare it to yk? My son has never been in school and though I have siblings, I wasn't homeschooled.

I have read enough posts here to think that there is no such thing as an ideal number and spacing of children that makes homeschooling easier/better (some people may feel it is ideal for their family, of course, but it won't apply across the board).

You'll get posts by people who are almost ready to give up homeschooling because they don't know what to do about their rambunctious 2 yr old or because their older child is an extrovert but the parent and other sibling aren't, or because the children bicker all the time. So I kind of think there is the potential for issues no matter what and you just sort of deal with them as they come.

I follow my son's lead on how much time he needs/wants with other kids and he has other adults in his life as well. I research what activities are available and take him to the ones that interest him. I take him to play at parks and at the pool and other places. I am not sure his being an only child necessarily makes this more difficult. In some ways it's easier because we don't have to work around another child's preferences.

[mom2ponygirl]

I have an 11 yr old dd who is an only. I've found homeschooling an only to be great! We have homeschooled the past 6 years. I think it makes things much easier than balancing the needs of many. Perhaps when they are young having a close in age sibling would ease some of their need for a playmate instead of driving mom crazy, but as they age I think they feel a need for their own friends regardless of siblings. As dd has aged I see her having more of a need to get together with her peers. I see the same need with my friends' kids, which means that they have 2,3 or more times the pressure to get their kids together with friends.

Anyway, I thought it might be an issue as well when we started, but have found it to be the least of my worries. Now hs'ing a tween and soon a teen - that's scary!!

[BellinghamCrunchie]

We have an only and by far the biggest challenge is that its so hard to find playmates for her where we live that I am her playmate most of the time, and I get burned out, and find it hard to homeschool AND play all day long. I'm hoping to find a good homeschool coop eventually.

[Lillian J]

The advantages have been mentioned. I'll just add that I found it important to really stay on top of social outlets. I've known moms don't feel it's important, because they're thoroughly enjoying just being home with their children and feel that's enough for the children as well - but that's not realistic, and it often changes rapidly as they get a little older. I've seen some children who have quite understandably demanded to go to school to be with other children instead of just being home alone with their moms most of the time, or even with their moms and younger siblings who cannot possibly meet their growing social needs.

We were very lucky to have a built-in good buddy right across the fence from us - we even had a gate between the yards - he went to school, but they played after his school hours (after the school's homework), on weekends, and throughout vacations. There were also other children around their ages in the neighborhood - so there were always play opportunities when they were home. But we still needed to put ongoing effort into finding daytime social connections with homeschooling children - otherwise, it could have been pretty lonely for my son in spite of the fact that we enjoyed one another's company.

So I often got on the phone and made lots of play dates, kept my eye on what all was going on in the homeschool support group's schedule and what was going on in the community in the way of fun classes and activities, looked into 4H (which provided some really fun classes), started a cub scout den, started a casual little weekly science club/play day at our home, etc. It wasn't always easy to keep a lot going on - sometimes it was frustrating and grueling - but I considered it part of my job, and it was worth it. And it is part of one's job as a homeschooling parent - it's not fair to keep children out of school and then not bother to provide for comparable social opportunities to some of the better ones they might have had through school (and the ones we all had ourselves). Lillian

[Stacey B]

Thanks for all the suggestions so far. It great to hear from people further along in this journey. Right now we are spending a lot of time figuring out how to create our own rituals as a family, whether they are daily (telling the story of our day with ds at bedtime) or seasonally.

[NightOwlwithowlet]

We home school our seven year old son and he is an only.

There are some serious advantages in terms of time and money. I can cater to his interests and learning styles, since he has ADHD. When we go to the museum, it's $10 dollars vs. $20 for my friend with three kids. It is much easier to be spontaneous. We can follow our interests.

The disadvantages are social. I probably spend a lot more time cultivating friendships then I would if I had more kids or if he had cousins that lived near by.

We enrolled him in an after school program three day a week so he's with other kids and is following instructors besides us. It also allows me some free time and allows me to work, especially since DH is gone up to three weeks at a time for his job.

We do have a great neighbor kid that lives next door, he sees her three or four days a week. He plays with other kids (3 or 4) of them on a regular basis; 2 or 3 times a month. We have a movie/game night a couple of times a months for his friends. Most of his are in public school, but we are trying to expand our pool of HS friends. We recently met another family that HS and even though their kids are 4 and 1, my son thinks they are great. He also takes music class through his former private school and does a variety of HS classes and coops.

I guess my long winded point is with a little effort, I am able to make sure he sees other kids almost every day, either in structured settings or free play. Today, he had Tae Kwon Do class and is now sledding with the neighbor kids. He gets far better interaction with other kids now did in school.

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by Stacey B

Thanks for all the suggestions so far. It great to hear from people further along in this journey. Right now we are spending a lot of time figuring out how to create our own rituals as a family, whether they are daily (telling the story of our day with ds at bedtime) or seasonally.

There's a lovely book on this subject: The Heart of a Family: Searching America for New Traditions That Fulfill Us, by Meg Cox. Scroll down to the bottom half of this page for a description and review. And if you scroll down the Amazon page her book is on, you'll find another one by her that includes yet more ideas. - Lillian

[Needle in the Hay]

Originally Posted by Lillian J

And it is part of one's job as a homeschooling parent - it's not fair to keep children out of school and then not bother to provide for comparable social opportunities to some of the better ones they might have had through school (and the ones we all had ourselves). Lillian

I agree that providing the opportunities is important, though it's also very important to put your own unique child ahead of any preconceived ideas of what good socialization looks like as the child may have different ideas!

And really, unless we are talking about siblings close in age who get on famously, I don't see how it is that much easier when you have more than one child. A kid at age 14 who wants to go to school for the social interaction is probably not going to be satisfied with only the company of his 11 year-old sibling (even if they are close). It could happen, but more likely he will want some of his own friends and his own activities. Having more than one child doesn't really let you off the hook.

[WhaleinGaloshes]

IMO there is much more to 'social opportunities' than 'being able to hang out with kids that he likes to.' I agree that probably most 14yos want friends of their own and of their own choosing to spend time with and have relationships with; I was an identical twin and at 14 I wanted/needed that.

But only children families without close cousins or best-friend-neighbors are left looking for something above and beyond the above IMO. Siblings, whether they are close in age or not and whether they get along well or not and whether they like the same things or not, do generally create types of social opportunities that matter. The opportunity to not get along is one of them, IMO. So is the opportunity to not get along and sit down to dinner together, and frankly the opportunity to be lousy to one another at times and still know that the bond is not broken. Easier/harder is always touchy in any parenting discussion and I don't think such things exist and if they did they would be impossible to parse anyway, but is a different dynamic.

[Needle in the Hay]

I really wasn't trying to get into what's easier or harder (my point was that one family situation doesn't necessarily make homeschooling easier or harder) and of course having an only child is a different dynamic than having 2 children or 6 children.

I really don't want to talk about what kinds of social opportunities exist when one has siblings and what only children are lacking in their lives.

(eta: I just don't see it as a helpful way to look at it. You don't look at kids with siblings and think about what they miss by not being only children and try to create that for them, you deal with who they are and with meeting their needs and helping them fulfill their desires.)

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by Needle in the Hay

I agree that providing the opportunities is important, though it's also very important to put your own unique child ahead of any preconceived ideas of what good socialization looks like as the child may have different ideas!

Absolutely. Like anything else, the important thing is to pay attention to your child - it's just that I saw people not doing that, and then giving up. - Lillian

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by Needle in the Hay

I really don't want to talk about what kinds of social opportunities exist when one has siblings and what only children are lacking in their lives.

(eta: I just don't see it as a helpful way to look at it. You don't look at kids with siblings and think about what they miss by not being only children and try to create that for them, you deal with who they are and with meeting their needs and helping them fulfill their desires.)

Yes, but the questions was "what are some of the unique issues that it brings up?," and these were very much issues that it brought up for us - if the question had been about what unique issues having multiples brings up, the responses would be different. When I was homeschooling an only, I had all too many conversations with other moms who told me they simply didn't have the need to get out to the support group activities or to seek out playmates because their children played together. When I had a little science club at my house, a mom who'd declined the invitation apologetically phoned me later to tell me she finally understood why I was always trying to set things up - one of her sons had started going to high school, and the other one was feeling lost and lonely. She was stunned - they had been a tight little family, and she'd loved it that way, because she wasn't social. It's not as if this happens only to only children, but it's just something that comes up more often. - Lillian

[Needle in the Hay]

Originally Posted by Lillian J

Yes, but the questions was "what are some of the unique issues that it brings up?," and these were very much issues that it brought up for us - if the question had been about what unique issues having multiples brings up, the responses would be different.

Yes, ITA and I was worried what I wrote would come across as trying to say there is no difference and that's really not what I meant. I meant only that there is no one ideal and that homeschooling an only can be just as great as homeschooling 5 children. While we may need to spend more energy to provide the social opportunities, we aren't expending energy on other things so I do think it can all roughly even out (whether we are comparing family size or educational choices).

I think the top thing is what you said, "pay attention to your child". That is the point I was trying to make. There is no one secret formula of making homeschooling a success for only children (besides pay attention to your child of course!) but certainly it can help to discuss experiences and issues that have come up. I don't really relate to some of the posts on this thread, some of the issues others have had we haven't (for example my son has never sought me to be a constant playmate) so it can be hard to say there is a set of unique issues to homeschooling an only since what issues it brings up in different families can vary, if that makes sense (I'm kind of in a hurry atm as we are travelling tomorrow so I can only hope I am making some sense here!).

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by Needle in the Hay

I don't really relate to some of the posts on this thread, some of the issues others have had we haven't (for example my son has never sought me to be a constant playmate) so it can be hard to say there is a set of unique issues to homeschooling an only since what issues it brings up in different families can vary, if that makes sense (I'm kind of in a hurry atm as we are travelling tomorrow so I can only hope I am making some sense here!).

Yes. Mine was pretty independent as well. There were also times when he preferred lots of time to himself, and other parents found that hard to believe. One mom got frustrated and complained, "I wish you'd let him come over and play!," and I could see that nothing I said could convince her that he just wanted to be left alone to enjoy some solitary time. But there were other times when he was feeling quite social and did get together with others a lot - and those times increased as he got older. -Lillian

[Stacey B]

This has all been insightful, my next part to the question is how do you deal with outside opinions. My family (as in the older generation- over 60) is very academically focused and wonders daily why ds isn't in school where he can be with other people. How can have you spoken with people about your choice to homeschool. I guess this might be a broader question than within this original post but since it seems as though the issue for them is isolation for ds, ignoring them thinking that I would be wasting my own life.

Can you understand where I am going with this question?