I left my child out in the cold. Was it wrong?

[MayBaby2007]

I had an angel of a child until 2.5 yrs came along. Now she's testing every limit she can.

I picked her up from my gramma's house to take her home. She refused to put her socks and shoes on. Both of us tried and she kicked and screamed and we couldn't do it. I tried talking calmy to her, etc. Didn't work. I told her, "Fine. No shoes or socks"....and I plopped her bare feet on the ice cold porch. 5 seconds later, she decided to wear socks and shoes and that was that.

Once home, she didn't want to put her coat on to walk to the house (no coat in car seat. Huge pain in butt....but safety first!). I told her, "If you don't put your coat on, you can't get out of the car. You can sit here all day as far as I'm concerned. I'm going to leave. Are you going to put your coat on?" She still refused. I shut the car door and hid by the trunk. Went back 10 seconds later and then she decided to wear her coat, no problem.

THEN....."I don't WANT to walk." My back hurt, I had my hands full, she is HEAVY and there was absolutely NO physical reason why she couldn't walk! I told her I wasn't carrying her, that my back hurt. I took her out of the car and stood her up on the side walk. I walked into the house and waited for her by the door. It was cold outside (not FREEZING cold....but cold). I timed her. It took 7 minutes of whining and throwing a fit before she walked her happy butt in the house. I met her at the door and she said, "I need a hug", which she got and I told her I loved her, etc. After that, she was happy and gave no more problems the rest of the day.

What I did, worked. But was it wrong? She IS getting too heavy for me to carry all the time. Her daddy is a push over (and stronger) and he does carry her in a blanket....buy mama can't (My knees hurt carrying her up the steps and my back hurts).

Yay or nay? Is there a better solution to her testing these things?

[BaBaBa]

right or wrong I've done the same

[MayBaby2007]

Originally Posted by BaBaBa

right or wrong I've done the same

Good to know Thanks.

I feel guilty over it sometimes. I *can* carry her. But it's completely inconvienent and painful at times. If she's too tired, not feelng well, etc...I will carry her. There is a difference in her voice of "I don't WANT to walk" and "Mommy will you please carry me?" I can tell if she's just being rotten (only word that comes to mind, don't take offense) or if she genuinely needs mama to carry her. That make sense?

[stik]

You let her to test the natural consequences of her choices and you set reasonable limits. You did great.

[Katie T]

As long as its not too cold or hot out Ive done the same. I always watch them the entire time but eventually they quit throwing a fit & come on inside.

[TanyaS]

I bide my time until winter to let natural consequences teach my kids to leave their shoes on in the car. I would never do it in the summer because it's so easy to damage the skin. The winter here is mild, but cold enough that they want to leave their shoes on until we get home after walking up the sidewalk to the front door barefoot once or twice.

[Straggletag]

You have needs, too, such as your aching back. If you overextend yourself to accommodate her, you only teach her that other peoples' needs aren't really limits for her, they aren't as important as her desires. As for getting her feet cold, well, that's the definition of a natural consequence. Whether letting her enjoy the feeling fits with a given philosophy or not, that's literally the way of the world, it's not some caprice of man. Just be prepared for the day that she takes some "awful" natural consequence in stride. I frequently went out to play on the porch barefoot when snow was on the ground. I didn't mind cold. I also surprised my grandparents at 7yo by streaking past them fully clothed and jumping in the swimming hole when I'd forgotten my swimsuit. Apparently our notions of natural consequences differed. (Well, I didn't enjoy the sopping wet car ride back, but then I probably would have simply learned to swim naked next time.)

[jeliphish]

I have done the same exact thing. I think it's a good example of natural consequences.

[Punchy Kaby]

I have done a similar thing in a similar sutuation. I think you handled the situation well. Ds is now 4 and he is warm all the time, wants to wear shorts and a t shirt and no jacket outside. We got tired of asking him to wear pants or wear a jacket so now we have decided to let him wear whatever he wants. He picked out a new winter coat and now wears it over his shirt and shorts outfit. He calls his shorts 'snow shorts'.

[littlecityfarmer]

Natural consequences get results! I generally don't argue about the kids clothing choices, but I do make suggestions for alternative outfits if one of the kids' choice of attire is drastically inappropriate for the weather (snowpants and gloves in summer, bathing suit and sandals in winter-- it happens in my house .) If they insist on wearing something silly, I bring along more appropriate clothes to change into when they start complaining about being cold/hot/uncomfortable. They usually figure out pretty quickly that there are reasons for wearing a coat, boots, and long pants when snow is falling...

[LynnS6]

I don't think what you did was harmful, but I think it can be approached in a more gentle way. "You don't want socks and shoes? OK, let's see what it's like when you walk without shoes and socks on."

I get the frustration that you were feeling and I've done similar things ("fine, don't put your coat on!") but I never feel good about how I've approached it. When I approach the natural consequences more neutrally, it becomes more about teaching my child "this is why we wear these things" and less about the power struggle.

A reminder too, that 2 and 3 year olds often need to physically experience something before they understand it. So, letting her experience the cold is a good idea, as long as you do it safely like you did. This realization also helped me not take it too personally.

[laohaire]

I've done it and it wasn't even a big deal or a punishment. Just like, "let's go, put your jacket on" "I don't wanna" "Fine, let's go" - we walk out the door and I'm carrying her jacket - "do you want it now?" "yeah".

Like PP said - kids don't have the experience to base these decisions on. They just know they are comfortable "now" but don't have the ability to look out the window and say "wow, it's cold out there... I WILL be cold when I open that door." All they know is that they are fine NOW, in the house/car/mall/wherever, and have no desire to put on the coat.

[Ruthla]

What you did was fine. I thought I was going to read about how somebody put their child outside in the cold as a punishment (like "time out" on the back porch in the winter) and was ready to point out all kinds of GD tips, what MDC is about, etc.

You were already outside with her, and she was uncooperative about coming in, so she stayed outside until she was ready to walk in by herself (and you stayed near enough to be supervising her.) 100% acceptable in my book.

The only thing I would have done differently is to have NOT gotten into a power struggle about wearing her coat before she left the car. I would have said "It's cold outside. I'm wearing my coat before I leave the car. I think you should do the same thing. If you don't want to wear your coat, you need to carry it into the house."

[MayBaby2007]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

I don't think what you did was harmful, but I think it can be approached in a more gentle way. "You don't want socks and shoes? OK, let's see what it's like when you walk without shoes and socks on."

I get the frustration that you were feeling and I've done similar things ("fine, don't put your coat on!") but I never feel good about how I've approached it. When I approach the natural consequences more neutrally, it becomes more about teaching my child "this is why we wear these things" and less about the power struggle.

A reminder too, that 2 and 3 year olds often need to physically experience something before they understand it. So, letting her experience the cold is a good idea, as long as you do it safely like you did. This realization also helped me not take it too personally.

Originally Posted by Ruthla

What you did was fine. I thought I was going to read about how somebody put their child outside in the cold as a punishment (like "time out" on the back porch in the winter) and was ready to point out all kinds of GD tips, what MDC is about, etc.

You were already outside with her, and she was uncooperative about coming in, so she stayed outside until she was ready to walk in by herself (and you stayed near enough to be supervising her.) 100% acceptable in my book.

The only thing I would have done differently is to have NOT gotten into a power struggle about wearing her coat before she left the car. I would have said "It's cold outside. I'm wearing my coat before I leave the car. I think you should do the same thing. If you don't want to wear your coat, you need to carry it into the house."

These tips are very helpful, thank you. I was very tired that day and my patience was thin. I will be more mindful the next time it comes up and keep these tips in mind

[SweetPotato]

I wouldn't leave my child alone in the car-- but I wouldn't make her wear a coat outside, either. It gets REALLY cold here, and I still refuse to have the coat issue become a power struggle (which drives my mother insane and gets me all sorts of nasty looks from strangers) Kids are smart, and real cold hurts- she'll put it on if she's uncomfortable, and if not, the short walk from the car to the house without it isn't going to result in any serious damage.

[Jennifer Z]

With my 3yo I have done the same thing over the years (once she was old enough to understand and there was no real danger) and it works, and it isn't demeaning or punitive, but teaches the "why".

Just a warning though...if you have a child with a disordered sensory system (like autism or SPD), this isn't going to work at all because the cold might not bother them, even when it is dangerous cold.

[chfriend]

I would not leave my 2.5 year old alone in the car. I would not hide from them to see if they were going to comply. If my hands were full, I'd leave my packages and carry my kid in first.

If I physically *could not* (not just me being pissy because I don't feel like it and I'm unappreciated by my toddler) carry my child in, I would sit and wait with her until she could walk.

I was injured birthing and it caused excruciating pain to carry my newborn. I got used to sucking it up, so I decided to carry her until she was done.

Mine wasn't done at 2.5. I give my 9 year old piggy back rides up the stairs to bed sometiimes.

My sympathies on your ill health, OP. I hope you recover soon. My goal is to model cooperation, compassion and caring, so this sort of moment is a time for me to do that.

If you feel good about how you handle it, it probably works for your family. If you don't, it may be a message to you to find a way to meet your need and her need at the same time, rather than creating conflict.

[Eherrera329]

Sounds like something I would do. I think what you did was good. The I need a hug thing was cute

[AnnieNimIty]

Originally Posted by stik

You let her to test the natural consequences of her choices and you set reasonable limits. You did great.

I think you did a great job also. Natural consequences always work better than ones we make up.

[noah's mom]

I've done similar things with 4.5yo DS1, and just this morning with 2yo DS2 - he took his boots & socks off in the car on the way to daycare this morning. I reminded him that he needs to leave his boots/socks on in the car when it's cold out, then carried him inside barefoot - the 30 seconds it took was PLENTY of time for him to "get" the natural consequence, considering the air temp was -4 degrees this morning!