How do I explain dying/death to 3 yo DS?

[*jacksmama*]

This is so hard. My brother, 28, has stage 4 brain cancer and we were told tonight that his deteriorating condition is a sign of end of life. DS sees my brother everyday. I do not think I need to explain dying (or maybe I do?). What do I say when my brother dies? We thought he had months, but we were just told it could be within the week.

TIA
Erin

Also, any resources for me to wrap my head around this? I still think he will be ok...that he'll pull through.

[eepster]

When my mom was dying of lung cancer, we read these books to DS.


When Someone You Love Has Cancer
This one was especially helpful while she was in the hospital.

When Dinosaurs Die
I Miss You
Waterbugs and Dragonflies

[pauletoy]

I don't have any advice but you sound like you could use a hug. I am so sorry.

[Fuamami]

That's so hard, I'm sorry.

I don't know what your religious views are, but I've heard it's best to be very honest and not tell them that the person has gone away or something like that.

[rubidoux]

I haven't had to confront this, but wanted to say I'm so sorry. I can't imagine...

[Toolip]

Have you asked him any questions to get an idea of what his understanding is? He probably knows more than you think.
Is Hospice involved? They can give you some great ideas about how to talk to kids.
My friend just died of brain cancer and left her 4 y/o little guy. We prepared him as much as he seemed able before she died, which wasn't all that much. We followed his lead. He knew she was sick and that it wasn't like a cold. He knew about death in other things (bugs, plants, pets, etc...) and that his mom might die. Really though it's all a process. The day that she died wasn't much of an event for the 4 y/o. His mom was already so sick, it wasn't much different that her body was gone. He is processing it SO much right now though, a month since she died. It seems more real to all of us. Someone also told me that he would have to re-process her death at every major developmental stage because it would mean something new to him as gains the ability to understand more. That made a lot of sense to me.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, take care of yourself.

[Toolip]

I just re-read your question and realized that I didn't really answer it.

Be direct. Answer honestly and as simply as possible. Explain that his heart stopped, stopped breathing, etc. Keep it very simple. Adults often start trying to explain things that they don't understand and kids aren't even wondering.

Be careful about saying that someone "went to be with God" or even "is in heaven now." What kids are usually wondering is where the body is and they often end up being confused and thinking that maybe heaven is in another country and God is like a grandpa that lives in another state. The religious aspect comes in after they have a grasp on the idea that the persons body has died and is buried or cremated.

Like I said, the 4 y/o I was dealing with didn't want to talk about it much at first though. Some people think it's really important to push them to understand before the person is gone. I didn't think it was that important. As long as you're not lying or keeping secrets, I think you'll be fine. My feeling was that I would be making it scarier for him to be pushing him to "understand" how permanent and definite death was. It's a concept that we all have trouble wrapping our heads around, why should such a little kid be expected to?

I also made sure to let him talk about death without relating it to his mom so it wasn't so emotionally charged and he could see it from an outside perspective.

Big hug to you and your family.

[liliaceae]

I'm so sorry mama. My brother died almost 3 years ago at the age of 25. My son was only 4 months old at the time though. We didn't tell DS that he was dead, as he grew up he just knew him from pictures like he did other relatives he didn't see much. When DS had just turned 3, he asked where his Uncle lived. I told him that he died when DS was a baby (previously I'd explained death in bugs and plants, but not people), because he got very very sick and his body stopped working. DS asked a few questions, including if I was going to die, and I said yes, but not for a very long time. I could tell he was really thinking about everything carefully, but he wasn't upset. Later he told DH that he would miss him when he died, but again he wasn't upset.

Obviously it will be different for your son, since he knows your brother well. I guess I would just tell him the basics, and take your cues from him. If he asks a question you're not sure how to answer, ask him what he thinks the answer is, so you can get an idea of what he's looking for. I don't see how you could really avoid explaining death to him. I'm so sorry you have to have this discussion with your son.

I know this sounds strange, but I actually envy the fact that you know your brother is dying. My brother fell ill without warning, and was put into a medically induced coma right away. He died 2 weeks later without ever waking up. I did get to see him, but I never got a chance to talk to him and say goodbye. Make sure you tell your brother you love him, and apologize for any wrong you've ever done him.

I don't think it's necessary for you to accept that your brother is dying. Just do what you would do if you knew he was dying, but I think it's okay if you don't actually believe it. I hope that makes sense.

I'm so sorry you and your family have to go through this. Feel free to PM me if you ever need anyone to talk to. I don't know how much help I'd be, but I could at least be there to listen.

[Marylizah]

Hi mama,

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

We just dealt with the death question a couple of months ago when my grandmother (who DS knew and loved) passed away.

I echo the PPs: answer honestly any questions, explain simply. It was heartbreaking to hear my son realize that he could die and that I could die, too. But it *is* part of our experience and should not be hidden or treated as taboo.

Many gentle hugs to you and your family....

[Viola]

I'm so sorry about your brother.

[NiteNicole]

I can't help with your question but I'm so sorry about your brother.

[proudmamanow]

I'm so sorry about your brother.

I don't have any major suggestions, but I echo the suggestion of previous posters to be honest & straightforward.

[colleengun]

First off, I'm so sorry to hear about your brother. My father in law died two months ago from brain cancer and I had to go through this exact experience with my children; now5 and nearly 2. My husband is a librarian so he spent his lunches reading books on how to talk to kids about death and illness and found some very helpful answers to this. Titles i can give you when my dh gets home.
First, be honest. We have realized that is so very important to talk to them as much as possible about everything that is happening. We had a very tough time explaining why "paga" was a different person as the cancer changed his personality considerably. Then we made sure to highlight that he had a very serious sickness, not at all like a cold or fever that they would get. Now that he has passed we talk about him often and always say do you want to talk more about him not being here or would you like to talk about things we remember from when he was still here. Kids being resilient handle these things better than we could imagine.
The best thing we did was to cry openly and honestly. Our 5 year old had gotten the idea that if she didn't talk about him we wouldn't cry, we made sure to explain that being sad is okay and that crying helps us and could help her too. Now one of starts and the rest follow, tissues are bought in bulk.

I agree with the post that said to be careful about using religion with such a young child. kids are too young to understand something so abstract and will end up even more confused. This was a very strong theme in our readings. That was the only time it seemed that the kids got confused. As if "heaven" was somewhere they could visit them. There is quite a bit more on that topic if you want references.

I'm here if you have any other questions. Please take care of yourself too. Our motto was "this sucks huge". No words can explain this pain and that was the best we could do. Because it did. It sucked huge. Again I'm sorry and I am only an email away.
colleen gunther

[olien]

my BIL unexpectedly died at 38, leaving a 5yo & 10yo. The 5yo just didnt get it, so I would have to think a 3yo would understand even less.

No matter what we said/read/did he just thought Daddy was literally in another place. He would ask questions like how come daddy didnt take his car? did he get a new one in heaven? Is daddy eating dinner now too? etc...

Good luck. Prayers are with you.

[Toolip]

I was thinking about you all last night

I wanted to add one more thing. Your feelings, that he's still going to be ok, are totally normal. Even when it was very obvious that my friend was in her last days, there was still a part of me that felt hopeful for her recovery. It wasn't denial either. It was just the reality that no one knows what's going to happen and that bit of hope was very comforting. Myself (and the other close adults) all had a hard time "wrapping our heads around it." After she died it was no different. There are still times when I think that I see her in a public place or I answer the phone and expect it to be her, even though my logical self knows it won't be. I think it's totally normal and it doesn't mean that you're not processing.
I think that a big part of why it is so hard to explain death to kids is that we have a hard time understanding it ourselves. It's such a fundamental part of life but it is hard to understand. For me, understanding what was happening was too big of a goal. It was enough to just deal with the moments and not let myself abstract the situation too much. Everyone is different but I just don't want you to feel like you're feelings aren't healthy. Everything you said sounds perfectly reasonable to me.