I feel trapped - how can I find peace?

[javilu]

Hello!

I don't want this post to get too long, so I won't go into too much history if I can help it, but to make a medium-length story short, I very recently re-discovered (or maybe just re-embraced) my spirituality. Prior to this, I guess I sort of denied my soul. I met my husband during a very...existential phase in my life. He was the real existentialist and I think I clung to those concepts in order to relate to him. I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship before I met him and he is an awesome, kind, gentle, loving man who I wanted very badly to impress. Ha. I admired his depth and while I knew that he was an atheist, I guess I never really understood what that really meant. I considered myself agnostic at the time anyway, and he was (and still is) a very moral man.

It wasn't until recently, though, that I came to accept my "non-agnosticism" and recognized that I do believe in God. I consider myself a panentheist - I see and know and feel God as Ultimate Truth (sorry, I've been reading a lot of Gandhi lately) - a force of life and light and goodness that permeates everything. I don't subscribe to a "religion," but I know God in my soul, my very being. I see God in Nature, in evolution, in the world, in my relationships, in my baby son's eyes (that's actually what brought me to this realization, I'll add)...in everything I know and don't know. I don't think we can fully know God, and I believe there are many ways of understanding the world/God/the Universe. I even believe, as Gandhi puts it, that the atheist's search for truth is a search in pursuit of the same truth sought by those who believe in God. Truth is Truth. We may understand or perceive or explain it differently, but it just IS. At the same time, I think we can know God personally (again, in very individual ways; religion works for some, but not for all).

Anyway, the point of all this is that I have been, for lack of a better word, censoring myself for years now. I am tired of pussyfooting around the word "soul" and I keep hearing in my head, the line from Joni Mitchell's Woodstock "gotta get back to the land; set my soul free." I don't, at all, think my husband has been holding my soul hostage (logically, how could he - he doesn't believe it even exists), I know it is me. And I want to express my soul - that is the Love that exists within me and that is a part of the Universe - now that I've "found" it (knowing it never really left). I went to a UU church and thought it was a good place, but I felt like so much was off limits there. Still, I think I will make it my community because it's the only sort of church I can imagine my husband would allow our son to go to (with me, anyway). I want my son to learn that there are many ways of believing and I want to be able to share my joy with him.

I can't say "soul"...it feels alienating (to my husband, I mean). I tell myself I don't need to say anything outloud. That words and the beliefs they aim to represent aren't as important as my actions and expressions of values. I've been making an effort to express my soul through loving words and actions. I want my husband, who I love so much, to "see" my soul as I see and feel his. I don't see this sort of "essentialism" as limiting, the way I might've in my Sartre days. Instead, I feel that my soul allows for my greatest passions, my deepest joys and sorrows, and, most significantly in this conversation, my most profound connections to others. It's possibility, through and through.

I don't know what I'm looking for here exactly. Prayers for peace? Prayers that my husband might come to know this Love in his own way and his own time? Prayers for my son, that he might know the Love I have for him and how he has changed my life. I can't talk about these things here (as in, my living room), because my husband, who is usually very warm, shuts down completely. He reads a lot of materialist philosophy that I consider to be patronizingly tolerant (it literally terms theism as "childish" and "hocus pocus") and I mentioned once that Gandhi considered tolerance to be condescending and he instead urged love and respect and my husband just said "I suppose" and walked away.

We just can't have conversations about this. He'll turn cold, I'll cry, and I'll hurt even more than I do now.

I wouldn't feel nearly as compelled as I do about all of this if my husband were happy with where he is. Like I said, I am fine with the atheism (as long as it isn't condescending). My husband seeks meaning in his life, and I believe he can find that without calling it "God" - it's all just words, really. But he isn't happy. He looks for answers in books and tries to find moral clarity, goodness, and so forth in them, but I have never once witnessed him express anything like joy, sorrow, hope, or excitement. It's like he is denying the "part" of him that experiences things "fully." That sentence doesn't quite say what I want it to, but I hope it comes across. I don't want my husband to feel burdened by the walls he puts up (I believe it all has something to do with his parents, but he doesn't talk about them, either), and I *really* don't want my son to wall himself up, either.

All I can do is live my life, and express my Love. I can't define God or Goodness for my son (or my husband!), that's something they need to do/find/learn on their own. I can help my son to be emotionally open, spiritually receptive, and to feel unconditionally loved. That is what I am doing, everyday.

But still...I seek Peace. Perhaps you can share a story with me about how you've found peace under similar circumstances or maybe just say a prayer for me, include my family in your thoughts, send some positive energy our way, etc.

I almost cried this morning. I don't for a second believe that the Truth I know - a good, loving God - would want me to doubt my marriage. This is a place and a home of love. I've found myself going through my Facebook friends' Info pages, admiring (envying?) the fact that they can list "Religious beliefs" on theirs (not that I have a religion, I just wish I felt comfortable doing that). I found a church in my town that claims to incorporate ideas about God from many paths, and I would love to check it out. I won't though. I know my husband is seeking something, but I don't want to push him away, or put him on the defensive. He is very logical, and he sees science (which, to be honest, he is only superficially versed in) as fully incompatible with a belief in God, whereas I consider them to be highly reconcilable (and I have some training in science as well as in the sociology of it).

My "gospel" is not the one of indoctrination, hellfire, or judgment, or anything else he associates with most religions. It's only about loving each other and embracing the love within and around us. If I had to give it a name, it would be Namaste.

This has gotten far too long. I know this will be a very long journey. Please think of me.

[Teenytoona]

Could you maybe trythe quiz at the Belief-O-Matic and perhaps it would give you an idea of others along those lines. Maybe you could find resources or communities you could join that would help you sort out your beliefs?

[wombatclay]

Big hugs... dual faith relationships are tough, and they get more so when children join the mix. DH and I share our lives but not a faith/religion and while we have been together for many years, our balance is constantly changing... really honest, open communication has been crucial to this balance.

For us, the UU church is a great "shared" space for our whole family. Our children are learning about many faiths and are encouraged to find their own path while also having a supportive community of open minded (and multi faithed) adults/peers. But we visited many UU groups over the years... each UU is different and you may need to explore a few before finding one that really meshes for you both. Perhaps check out the online UU congregation too? It's here.

While our local UU has a strong buddhist flavor, the UU grew out of the humanist movement and it is not uncommon to find Unitarians who are happily athiest. And many UU congregations offer adult "religious ed" which is less "religion" and more "intellectual pursuit of knowledge to further an individual's growth". Wordy, I know but your dh may enjoy the conversation since it generally focuses on a personal search for personal truth instead of some sort of "religious" experience.

Something that jumped out at me in your post... why can't you change your facebook? Are you worried about your dh's reaction? Worried about being thought of as "childish" or "silly"? I know you said he shuts down during discussions of religion but you might try writting him a letter about this (or an email). That way you can say exactly what you mean and he can process the info at his own speed/in private. And then sit down together with him (and a good meal or a nice wine or something you both enjoy) and talk over the practicalities?

Not "I'm right" or "You're silly" or "You need to..." or anything like that. Just the real world "I would like for all of us to go to the UU church from 10-11am each Sunday" or "Would you like to keep ds while I'm at the UU church" or "I would like to give ds a community of people he can turn to as he grows. What sort of community can we provide for ds? Is there a local humanist society you'd like to explore? An athiest parenting support group? Should we explore the UU group?".

The only other thing that jumped out at me is the sense you have that your dh isn't happy. While I understand the desire to share faith/religion with your partner... try to avoid acting from the perspective that he'd be happier if he joined you. The practicalities of a dual faith relationship are tough, and discussing things openly can be tough, adding a sense (real or imagined) that a partner would benefit from changing their own beliefs can shift the discussion towards hurt feelings and resistance. It really does help to focus on the real world "what we can do together" first.

Good luck... I hope you find the perfect spiritual home!

[javilu]

thanks, to both of you! i emailed him and just gave him a "heads up" that i'm going to be "exploring my spirituality" and that he shouldn't worry about this, i won't at all try to "impose" anything upon him or my son, nor would i ever adopt or accept something that wasn't "universalist" in nature. but i also didn't want to "hide" this from him and i think things are fine. i feel better, anyway. no reply, of course, but i didn't expect one. i do feel "freer" now, though. like, i can leave my books out and maybe even go check out a synagogue or a baha'i group or maybe even a church. and i do hope to make going to the UU church a routine for my son and i when he's a bit older. that i know my husband is fine with (even if it's not for him) because he agrees with their humanist, environmentalist values.

as for the exploration itself, i got a few books yesterday - one on kabbalah (not that i expect to become a kabbalist or anything, but i'm interested in better understanding theistic non-dualism), one from a theological existentialist, and one book of c.s. lewis meditations, to balance out the denser stuff. i am also interested in certain aspects of hinduism, but i don't even know where to start with that.

[Tigerchild]

You might want to shop around at different UU churches if there are several in your area. It's true that some UU churches are such that if someone were to say "God" all the air would get sucked out of the room by the collective gasp of horror--but that's not the case everywhere.

I think if you can, you might want to see if you can find a local UU group that's comprised more of "born and raised UUs" or true universalists, rather than walkaways. IME across several congregations, it's the churches where most of the people have been wounded by their previous experiences with organized religion that can be not very friendly to the more spiritual side of things. (I am not condemning them though, they have their place, I know that's exactly what I needed for quite some time after my own traumatic walkaway experience)

You may also frankly not get your spiritual needs fulfilled by just going to church on Sunday. I mean, that would be nice, but especially if your home situation is such that you can't engage in much dialog, you might really enjoy concentrating more on getting into a dinner group/chalice circle/small group (It's typically 1 evening a month). It's a real chance to see the diversity at the UU church you've been going to as well, since most of the time people don't exactly get to really individually express themselves at group worship.

You are right to leave your husband to his own path. It sounds like you want and need some friends to talk about spiritual things with. That may not happen at worship either. I would check out small group offerings (you don't even have to be a regular attendee or member to join in at a UU church) and figure out a way to committ once a month to an evening of spiritual discussion.

I wish I had done that earlier in my spiritual reclaimation. I too was starving for dialog and had some pretty unfair expectations and resentments against my husband because of it. I participated in my UU church's "chalice circle/small group ministry" and it was liberating and nourishing in a way that nothing else was.

[javilu]

tigerchild -

thanks for the tips! my own experiences with religion (accompanying my mom to nondenominational churches, talking with my grandpa about his catholicism (he is very much of the "to each, his own path" belief), and even attending several funerals) have always been rather positive - nothing's ever been pushed on or at me, i've never felt judged or anything like that, i have no beef with god...but i absolutely understand that other people have had extremely negative experiences or have had that sort of impression, and i am glad the UU is there for them.

i'm fine with it not being the perfect place for me, but i would also still like some community where i can think and talk about god...maybe even pray and worship with others. i'm thinking i'll keep giving the UUs a chance, especially as i think it's a good place for my son to eventually go to "sunday school." i really want him to find his own path and understanding, you know? and UU's approach seems good for that.

it's good, though, to know that different ones have different flavors. there are small groups associated with the one in my town, i'd like to try those out when my son is a bit older (he's still nursing very often). i was originally really stoked when i learned about UU in the first place because i thought it would be a great place for my family, but now that it seems highly unlikely that my husband will come, i might also try the unity church or a quaker meeting. i've been to a quaker meeting before, as a kid (i went to a quaker school for a bit), but it's been AGES. i don't expect any one place to solve anything for me. this is going to be a lifelong process for me. i don't even think a church will "do it" for me. i'll have to do other things, too. maybe meditation, maybe writing, too. i don't know. i feel, like...really open to the "experience" now, which is really exciting. i feel like i've been holding back *something* for a long time. maybe since high school, and i'm almost 30! and i know my husband's read the email by now and he's been nothing but warm and loving today (i shouldn't be that surprised), so i now feel pretty free to just go with this. to explore and learn and grow and live and love and...be.

(see, this is exactly the sort of thing i would love to share with him - how absolutely new and hopeful i feel. and some of the more abstract things i'm thinking, about how believing in *anything* is a choice, and i'm wide awake and making this choice with my eyes open, if that makes any sense. maybe someday, though. it's okay if it never happens, though.)

[Unity9]

Originally Posted by puffnstuff

tigerchild -

thanks for the tips! my own experiences with religion (accompanying my mom to nondenominational churches, talking with my grandpa about his catholicism (he is very much of the "to each, his own path" belief), and even attending several funerals) have always been rather positive - nothing's ever been pushed on or at me, i've never felt judged or anything like that, i have no beef with god...but i absolutely understand that other people have had extremely negative experiences or have had that sort of impression, and i am glad the UU is there for them.

i'm fine with it not being the perfect place for me, but i would also still like some community where i can think and talk about god...maybe even pray and worship with others. i'm thinking i'll keep giving the UUs a chance, especially as i think it's a good place for my son to eventually go to "sunday school." i really want him to find his own path and understanding, you know? and UU's approach seems good for that.

it's good, though, to know that different ones have different flavors. there are small groups associated with the one in my town, i'd like to try those out when my son is a bit older (he's still nursing very often). i was originally really stoked when i learned about UU in the first place because i thought it would be a great place for my family, but now that it seems highly unlikely that my husband will come, i might also try the unity church or a quaker meeting. i've been to a quaker meeting before, as a kid (i went to a quaker school for a bit), but it's been AGES. i don't expect any one place to solve anything for me. this is going to be a lifelong process for me. i don't even think a church will "do it" for me. i'll have to do other things, too. maybe meditation, maybe writing, too. i don't know. i feel, like...really open to the "experience" now, which is really exciting. i feel like i've been holding back *something* for a long time. maybe since high school, and i'm almost 30! and i know my husband's read the email by now and he's been nothing but warm and loving today (i shouldn't be that surprised), so i now feel pretty free to just go with this. to explore and learn and grow and live and love and...be.

(see, this is exactly the sort of thing i would love to share with him - how absolutely new and hopeful i feel. and some of the more abstract things i'm thinking, about how believing in *anything* is a choice, and i'm wide awake and making this choice with my eyes open, if that makes any sense. maybe someday, though. it's okay if it never happens, though.)

Have you gone to a baha'i devotions or meetings? They have great children classes!

[Theia]

Originally Posted by puffnstuff

All I can do is live my life, and express my Love. I can't define God or Goodness for my son (or my husband!), that's something they need to do/find/learn on their own. I can help my son to be emotionally open, spiritually receptive, and to feel unconditionally loved. That is what I am doing, everyday.

I know you've made progress since you wrote this. But I think this is your best long term course of action. Be and express your love. Through your actions and searching and even finding your own peace you will be the example that your DH and DS need to find whatever it is they seek in this life. Not that they will believe as you do, just that you will be a light of truth for them.

I am glad that you were able to open up with your DH and that it left you feeling more free to continue your exploration. I wanted to offer that with the Hinduism, it is really hard to sort out the multitude of gods, their individual stories and then all the science and such contained within those stories. But it's fun. I try to focus on the scientific parts, the Vedic Sciences are so interesting to me because they already knew much of what we are rediscovering through physics. Maybe try to find a commentary on the Gita. Or there is also the Ramayana, this one I've not have the time to get into myself, but it's on my list. Oh, I just remembered the book that started me in that direction though is "How To Know God". I know it was recently republished and I don't know how closely the new version sticks to the older version (I think published in the '50's). A good friend of mine gave me the original version about 2 years before the re-publishing, and I really liked it so I've never looked at the newer version.

I googled Vedic Science and came across this quote:

"to put it briefly, knowledge is something to be discovered, for the Indian knowledge is to be recovered. [...] One particular preconception, related to this concept of knowledge concerning the past and its relationship to the present, is probably of central significance: that at its very origin the absolute truth stands revealed; that this truth—which is simultaneously a way of life—has been lost, but not irrecoverably; that somehow it is still available through ancient life-lines that stretch back to the original revelation; and that the present can be restored only when this original past has been recovered."