Hitting and Hand Holding

[Straggletag]

Does anyone else hold a hand if their child is attempting to hit them with that hand? We also try blocking, of course, but it seems like a consistent with putting items that she's thrown or hit with into "toy time out." If nothing else, I consider it damage control. Of course, she throws a fit if we restrain her hand, but she is typically already throwing a fit when we get to that point.

Can anyone give me insight into how a child perceives this interaction? No matter how she takes it, we may have to do it if she's insistent on hitting (perhaps because she's overtired, but then there's no instant fix for overtired once you're already there and we can't let her hit), but I'd like to know how she feels so I can deal with that side. She usually just wants to hug us when it's all over, you'd think we'd never hugged her! I guess she just needs reassurance that we love her when there's had to be some discipline, and that's fine, we make a point of telling her that we love her no matter what she does, we tell her even during these tantrums that we love her even when acts out.

We just need to get serious about shaping, modeling, guiding, and redirecting these toddler behaviors now that there's someone vulnerable in the house.

[cyclamen]

I think it's probably a relief for her. She's a child; she may "want" to hit because she doesn't know how not to. She needs her parents' physical help to teach her how to control her outbursts.

I say this because my mother did this with me, even as late as being a teenager. We'd be fighting, and she'd sorta bear hug me - and she is smaller than me! And that would help me wind down. I'd be mad at first, because I was MAD! but then reassured to know that no matter what we were fighting about, she loved me and would never turn me away.

(To clarify: not that I was trying to hit in this example; would never dare raise a hand against my mother. But I think the physical parallel is very similar. I had "angry body language" which my mom would overwhelm with "loving family body language" even though she was also mad. But she would do it because her culture taught her that as my parent she had absolute physical rights - and, she felt, sacred responsibility - over what I was doing with my body. That probably wouldn't sit right with many on this board, and I'm not saying you should think that way, but it worked for us.)

Sometimes when you're mad, being mad just makes you more mad. You need someone wiser to come along and help you calm down. The mind can follow the body sometimes.

That's just my two cents, but I think it's a really good idea to hold her hand to keep her from hitting. You're showing her what her body can do - her body can not hit even when her feelings want to hit. So I think you're helping her do what deep down she really wants to do, which is be a healthy part of a loving family.

[Straggletag]

Thank you, cyclamen! We'd lived like this since 3yo was born and it worked, than sometime recently we slipped a gear, fell out of the practice, and things were getting dicey here at home. When I went to read here about how to handle things, I first stumbled on a thread criticizing holding, internalized that, and tried to make do without it. Things got much worse for a few days, to the point that DH and I were losing it, the newborn was breaking out in zits, and the 3yo was an unhappy little terror.

I'm fascinated by the absolute rights your mother felt, her culture, and feelings of sacred responsibility. I'd love it if you could elaborate further, it resonates with me.