Bad student / Good Child

[lmkirche]

My son is 4 years old. He has attended a private preschool for a part of each weekday since he was one. He has begun this school year "acting up" in class. He has trouble listening to his teachers, he pushes friends, he grabs or wrestles other friends as well. He teachers do not believe that he is mean, just silly. They say that he doesn't understand that he is doing wrong. I don't believe that entirely. I have questioned him alot about it asking him how he feels during school, why he thinks he makes those choices, what he thinks would help, etc. . . .

What seems to be very consistent is that he says he misses mama. He wants to be home. He doesn't like school. I believe that school isn't important to him and therefor he doesn't think that following the rules is important. He doesn't care if he disappoints the teachers.

I think he is a good child. Most people who he is with, outside of school think that he is a well behaved child. Grandparents think he is an angel compared to his cousins. Neighbors think he is quiet and nice.

I don't know how to make this important to him to change. Since I'm not there, I don't think that he is making the connection that this is disappointing me as well. I think that he needs to WANT to make good choices. How do I do this? Do I set up a reward system? He earns "x" for following school rules for a few days, then after success - one week, then two weeks etc. Is that a good idea? I don't want him to only be good to earn something. But maybe something tangible would help him - make it important - make it real - he can touch and see his success, ya know? Or is this the wrong way to go about this?

Thanks for reading this. Please give me your thoughts. Thanks mamas.

[Ruthla]

It sounds like the school is a bad fit for him, or at least this teacher is. Why is he suddenly acting up in class NOW when he's been in school for 3 years already?

If you think it's as simple as him not understanding that you care what happens in school, have you tried telling him "It makes Mommy sad when you misbehave at school"?

[LynnS6]

Is he bored? Has there been some change in the class or his expectations?

I would ask the teachers to keep a log of when he acts up. What was going on before? What were they trying to do?

I'm sure he probably does miss his mama, but I'm not sure that's the root cause. I'd take him saying he misses mom as "I'm feeling uncomfortable here." His behavior is also telling you that.

Could it be that there's been a change in the class or in the expectations that he's not reacting well to? Or that he needs more challenge or a different approach? Unfortunately, it's really hard to change what's going on at school at home. I'm actually of the opinion that school problems need to be dealt with at school. I'll support the teachers (assuming they're approaching it in a manner I feel comfortable with), but I can't change his school behavior at home.

[lmkirche]

Yes, I've told him that it makes mama sad. And I have to think that the school is a good fit for him. His father and I own the school!!
And I love his teachers! They are awesome! They both have over 50 years combined experience teaching children. One teacher was his teacher when he was a toddler, so my son knows her well. Since I hired these teachers and have observed them in the classroom, I have complete confidence in their teaching style.

I think this is a developmental issue honestly. My son is growing and testing limits. I am just afraid that this will become part of his school persona. I don't want him to continue this behavior because he makes the connection that school is the time to act up. Since it is the end of the fall semester, I have decided that this is not just a short time issue. This has gone on now for four months.

What do you think?
I need help.

[lmkirche]

[QUOTE=LynnS6;14778480]Is he bored? QUOTE]

Possibly...He is a very bright child and is beyond what the teachers are doing. His peers are learning rhyming and beginning sounds. My son is working on segmentation and building words. He is already starting to read and write. Math is also easy for him. He learns quickly.

He is very immature social/emotionally. He has always been kinda babyish. He's the only child and 2 minutes from grandparents so he gets lots of adult attention. He's also very small for his age (5% percentile), so it's easy to think of him as a toddler. He also doesn't get alot of peer play outside of school. I have always thought that the school would provide all the social interaction that he needs.

[lmkirche]

His misbehavior tends to be when he is not getting the attention he wants in the classroom.

[sapphire_chan]

Could you try him out in an older classroom? Any chance the level of work at the next level up is closer matched to his abilities (even though it's the middle of the year)?

Could he go to another class for one or two subjects so he isn't feeling like all the other kids are getting taught while he's being ignored?

Could he be given some books on tape to listen to during reading time? The sort where it comes with the book and you can follow along to every word?

[lmkirche]

The next class up is Pre Kindergarten. It would be a great fit academically, but very hard for him social/emotionally. Change is hard for him. The teachers aren't as strong as his preschool teachers. And the students are at a different maturity level for the most part. I think it might be seen as "the owner going over and above the teachers". I wouldn't want my teachers to think that. They're good teachers, and I'm a former teacher. I teach him at home to make up for the academic difference, and I'm hoping that being one of the oldest in his classroom will spark some leadership quality in him (which if I'm honest with myself, won't work because that's not his personality)

Other mothers have mentioned home-schooling. I don't know, because he needs the social interaction. Learning one on one would be great for him. But I think that he, at some point, needs to learn how to wait patiently, take turns, and not need attention ALL the freaking time

My husband says "Well, you wanted to do Attachment Parenting. You succeeded. The boy is ATTACHED!"

[spedteacher30]

My almost 4 year old is at a Montessori school. I can't find the reference right now, but something the school sent home earlier this year (maybe the Montessori magazine?) talked about how typically, 4 year olds are tremendously active, and go through a stage where they cannot sit still.

Can you have the teacher provide more large muscle activity for the kids? maybe an additional short outdoor recess mid-morning?

My son apparently spends most of his morning outside with the teacher who supervises the outdoor environment or the teacher who does ecology. His classroom teachers send him to one of the gross muscle options as often as possible.

I wouldn't jump so quickly to labeling him a "bad student" or even saying that the school is a "bad fit." I would, however, encourage the teacher to incorporate more physical activity for all the kids.

[lonegirl]

Originally Posted by lmkirche

Yes, I've told him that it makes mama sad. And I have to think that the school is a good fit for him. His father and I own the school!!
And I love his teachers! They are awesome! They both have over 50 years combined experience teaching children. One teacher was his teacher when he was a toddler, so my son knows her well. Since I hired these teachers and have observed them in the classroom, I have complete confidence in their teaching style.


What do you think?
I need help.

Well I was just going to ask why you are pushing him to be in school at 4 if perhaps he was not ready but that answered that question.

[lmkirche]

Originally Posted by spedteacher30

typically, 4 year olds are tremendously active, and go through a stage where they cannot sit still.

Actually, he is more active now than even a couple of months ago. I have always blamed that energy increase to the fact that he has lost his nap during the day and now sleeps 11-12 hrs at night. Maybe this is a physical growth stage.

I have been looking into indoor jungle gym sort of things for home to help him release this energy. We live in Minnesota , and today the temp is below zero - so we won't be going outside! The teachers do as much physical activity in their classroom as they can without it becoming overly chaotic. I guess I don't think the fault is with the teachers, I think it a matter of my son learning self control.

I just have to say thank you to everyone. Even if there isn't an answer, the support is priceless. This community has been the best find of my parenting so far. I don't know what I would be doing without you guys

[sapphire_chan]

The point about the activity level at age 4 is important, because it means that he might not be physically able to be more still until he's older. It might be the case that he finally is able to be still not because of "self-control" and consequences, but because he's just old enough to be able to be still. If he CAN'T be still for as long as required in the classroom, having consequences would be like giving consequences to a 5 month old who doesn't stay sitting up.

Really, I suspect that being in the class with more mature students would actually help your son's maturity levels. He might be "behind" in that area because he's trying to be more in line with his peers in his class. Forget the fact that you're the school owners, if your son were someone else's kid what would you suggest to his parents? What would you try?

[junipermuse]

The thing about "Self-control" is that it's more a matter of maturation then learning. And not everyone has the same innate level of self-control anyways. I was a preschool teacher, before dd came along, and I had more than one child in my classes over the years that was as you describe your son. Sweet as the dickens, but lacked self-control. I remember one in particular who I really adored, but who could drive me batty, because he couldn't keep his hands to himself. He was often wrestling and fidgeting, and if he walked past a block structure he immediately would knock it down. Not maliciously but it was as if the thought popped in his head and before he could judge it right or wrong he would just do it. You can't use consequences to teach a child to have self control because they don't have the self-control to refrain from doing something long enough to weigh the consequences. If it's just a matter of self-control than you just have to use prevention and redirection. Have him and the teacher come up with some strategies to help him focus on proper behavior. Like maybe sitting on his hands at circle time, or in a chair, or having something to fidget with so he doesn't start wrestling with the kid sitting next to him. At clean up time (which is when a lot of kids in our class would start to goof around and wrestle or be silly) maybe one of the teachers could ask him to be her special assistant. If he has a specific task like wiping the tables he's less likely to start goofing around. If he starts getting silly during freeplay than they can just say "that's too silly for school, why dont' we try (putting this puzzle together, building a pirate ship with blocks, painting at the easel, or any other specific activity that can refocus him and rechannel his energy)

One last thing I know I have read that children especially at school or daycare are often under-touched. That's part of why little boys wrestle, they are seeking human contact. Maybe the teachers could challenge that need into more appropriate outlets. The can offer him more hugs. Hold him on their lap to read stories, give his shoulders or arms some firm massaging.

[lmkirche]

All you ladies are bringing up some very good points. I think you might be spot on. I definetly need to reread this, think about it more, and bring it up to both his teachers and his father.

Thanks so much.