Help! I'm beating myself up over natural family living!

[BeckC]

Ok, I'm starting to go crazy. I'm in the preparation/nesting stage for our first child. (We're adopting so we have no idea when we'll have our baby, but we're preparing incase it's sooner than later). And I am killing myself over organic this, natural that. There's the expensive furniture with non toxic finishes, organic mattresses, SIDS, bedding, cosleeping, our old non organic mattress, breastfeeding, the plastic bags for the SNS for nursing, the possibility of formula, the toxins in carpets, in paint, in wood finishes... And the plastic, omg all the plastic. I feel like I'll be poisoning our child just by bringing him or her home.

So what should I do? I'm looking for BTDT experience. What's worth worrying about organic/natural, what's not? And what do I do about this feeling of "OMG I'm ruining my child because I'm not perfect" Or does that feeling never go away?

ETA: We do a lot of natural type things now like avoiding disposable items, buying organic when possible, natural cleaners, reducing, reusing, recycling, etc. I'm more worried about specific things like our paint (we live in base housing and we're stuck with this paint), our carpet (although I'm considering buying carpet sealer), our brand new bedroom furniture that is finished with polycrylic (I wish I had known about Safecoat finish), our old non-organic mattress, our baby's mattress, cosleeping, if we sidecar a crib, the baby's furniture... (can you tell I'm in the furniture and nursery set up part of preparations?)

[Adallae]

I went through that in preparation for our first. I was so afraid that I was going to do something horribly wrong, or make her sick. I cried buckets at the thought of formula when breastfeeding got off to a difficult start.

But we could not afford to buy everything organic/natural, and it was driving me crazy to try. So, we picked a few things that we could do to start, and I expand on it whenever I have the energy. We wash her diapers and clothes in a natural detergent; when we moved, we chose a low-voc paint; I use reusable grocery bags when I can and when I remember (trying to get better about that!); I stopped using store bought household cleaners; I make her purees from organic fruits and veggies. DD has lots of plastic toys, but if I see her really chowing down I one, I offer her the Sophie the Giraffe teether or a plain wooden spoon. Far from perfect, but better than nothing. I am trying to grow with her, making changes to our lives one at a time.

My DD is 6 months, and the feeling that I might do something to ruin her has not yet faded at all.

[gbailey]

Originally Posted by BeckC

Ok, I'm starting to go crazy. I'm in the preparation/nesting stage for our first child. (We're adopting so we have no idea when we'll have our baby, but we're preparing incase it's sooner than later). And I am killing myself over organic this, natural that. There's the expensive furniture with non toxic finishes, organic mattresses, SIDS, bedding, cosleeping, our old non organic mattress, breastfeeding, the plastic bags for the SNS for nursing, the possibility of formula, the toxins in carpets, in paint, in wood finishes... And the plastic, omg all the plastic. I feel like I'll be poisoning our child just by bringing him or her home.

So what should I do? I'm looking for BTDT experience. What's worth worrying about organic/natural, what's not? And what do I do about this feeling of "OMG I'm ruining my child because I'm not perfect" Or does that feeling never go away?

I don't know what BTDT means but I can tell you about our experience. We couldn't find an organic mattress although I really wanted one. We used an organic mattress cover and organic sheets instead. When I found out I was pregnant we switched all cleaners to non-toxic, non-smelly stuff. I found a great brand at Whole Foods.

Your baby will be so lucky to have you as a mommy. When he or she comes home first you'll learn the things that you are willingto let slide in terms of organic and what you can't.

[pauletoy]

Originally Posted by BeckC

"OMG I'm ruining my child because I'm not perfect" Or does that feeling never go away?

It want take long for you to realize it is impossible to be perfect. You just do the best you can with what you have. Be gentle with yourself because you are going to make mistakes, it's what you learn from them that really matters.

As far as natural living, I would first focus on the simple things like BPA free bottles, chemical free cleaning products, gentle laundry detergents. If you can't afford lots of organic clothing and bedding, then running them through the washer several times with a chemical free laundry soap would remove most of the harmful chemicals. Encase the mattress with a mattress cover if you can't afford to replace it.

You are going to be ok! Deep breathing helps!!!

[Chamomile Girl]

Although I drool over organic clothing what I have found more practical is to buy used clothing. That way any pesticide residue is long gone and I am doing my part to reduce the rampant consumerism that comes with babies!

I always make sure to wash everything before he wears it as well (both new and used).

Sometimes the babe helps you decide...as much as I love wooden toys (that are NOT painted in China LOL) my kid's favorites are all plastic .

Low VOC paint is a really important one I think. Unfortunately we moved into a rental when DS was 2 months old, and they refused to compromise on the paint. It reeked for about two months even though I had all the windows open

[Bluegoat]

One thing that I find keeps it in perspective for me is that the "natural family living" thing can easily just become another kind of consumerism. I think that is bad, so it helps me to let it go a bit.

I too would tend to take the approach that things that are ingested are a good focus for care, be it bowls or toys that will be chewed. After that, shampoos, soaps, and creams. Then maybe organic clothing towels etc. Also,babies really don't need much stuff at all, so there is no need to spend a ton on toys etc.

As far as things like a stroller, or a bouncy chair, I wouldn't worry. I wouldn't get things like bouncy chairs or swings new either, since you never know what baby will like.

[sisteeesmama]

I agree with a lot of what's already been said.

We couldn't afford a new mattress, but we did find an organic futon pad for our futon and got one of those plastic zipper covers for our bed and then covered that with an organic mattress pad, organic sheets and an organic comforter that was synthetic materials mostly, because that's what we could afford.
For her bottles I bought glass and then they started making BPA free bottles and I buy those now.
For her formula I make it with raw milk using the Weston A Price recommendations on their web-page. PM if you want to know more. (although you might or might not know that adopted doesn't have to mean not breast feeding!)
For cleaning supplies I just use lemon, vinegar and baking soda, it's cheap and effective.

That's about all we could do and I let the rest go.

[Climbergirl]

This is where I am sometimes glad I was a bit ignorant to this sort of stuff while pregnant! I would have driven myself batty

Definitely take a deep breath.

I now cringe when my inlaws completely ignore my wood toy love and give him a plastic remote controlled thingy. And yet, he loves it, and he plays with it, so what are you going to do?

Honestly, do the best you can. I would choose used over new when possible. And go as simple as possible. I am so glad we did not buy a crib and got one used, because now it is our super duper co-sleeper. We used clothes that went through my 2 nephews before getting to us. I buy glass and metal when I can. I use cloth diapers and wash in a natural detergent. I use Dr. Bronners for soap for me and my now 2 year old. I am now living in a hotel suite and it was costing me over $20 to wash diapers and my DS wants to be changed standing up so we went to 7th gen pull ups. I HATE the fact I am throwing away diapers, but I am doing the best I can at this time.

You are giving a child a loving home and family. Start small and slowly move to where you want to be.

Good luck!

[sweetpeppers]

For me, the heart of natural family living is living. together. Not buying a $$$$$ organic mattress, getting all new (naturally finished) furniture. Some people I know around here (well-to-do area) are so concerned about having all the right "stuff" for their new baby, they forget that the most important thing to prepare is themselves. Do what you can, let the rest go.

[cdmommie]

We decided that soaps, food, and one good organic blankie were important in the beginning. The blanky is the first thing they snuggle with and chew on, plus they have it on them so much in the beginning. We did eventually get an organic mattress for dd1 when she moved to the crib.

Also, don't stress too much about feeding. There are many great ways to get breastmilk. I donate to a milk bank and on MilkShare. If you need info PM me

[annettemarie]

Yeah, seriously, and I say this with love-- knock it off. There will always be something you can do better. One day you'll be baking your own bread, beating yourself over the head with a rolling pin because you didn't grind your own wheat. The next week you'll have ground your own wheat, but it's still not good enough because you didn't grow it yourself during the right moon phase. You can make yourself nuts.

That isn't to say you don't do your best. Of course you do. But this baby is so incredibly blessed to have you, and you will be so blessed by her!

So, start slow. Cloth dipes, natural baby care items. When solids come along, make your own and stick with organic for the "dirty dozen." Take things a little at a time. You'll do great! And congratulations.

[~pi]

I think for people who have options as to what (or whether) they buy, it's worth thinking about what is really important to you.

My view is that earth-sustaining practices are important. Leaving DS a world that is less chaotic than otherwise is important and worth my time, and I am able to make decisions and efforts that have a small impact there.

Otherwise, I worry far less about his exposure to a gazillion minute risks. I pay attention to the big things, and let most miniscule ones go. Re: exposure to toxins, seriously, pick things that you think are worth worrying over, and let the rest go. Remind yourself that anything worth worrying over has a dose-response effect, so you don't necessarily have to eliminate the exposure -- minimizing it does plenty of good. (And remember that the number one cancer risk is age, and really, you want your child to continue to age!)

I personally think it's much more useful to look outward (what can I do to help make the whole world a better place so that DS is more likely to have a safe, clean place to live as an adult) vs. inward (worrying about the finish on his dresser.) This isn't to say I can't worry about both, but I acknowledge that the former is more likely to truly impact him, and I prioritize (time, energy, budget) accordingly.

Originally Posted by BeckC

And what do I do about this feeling of "OMG I'm ruining my child because I'm not perfect" Or does that feeling never go away?

You can choose not to buy into that idea. Perfection is (a) not attainable and (b) not as perfect as you think. When you spend so much effort trying to be perfect, you and your child can actually lose out on some of the best parts of parenthood and childhood.

You do not have control over every aspect of your child's existence, so for the most part, you just make a reasonable effort, hope for the best, and, most importantly, let yourself enjoy the ride!

Best of luck to you, and congratulations on your impending motherhood, whenever it happens.

[BeckC]

I am really trying to "knock it off" lol. That is excellent advice and I'm trying to take it. I think a lot of it has to do with my perfectionist nature and adding the "you must be perfect" attitude that goes along with adoption a lot of the time. I'm trying to see the big picture. I plan to BF so he or she will have all of those good things in breastmilk, we do eat organic as much as possible, we don't use mainstream cleaners... So no, we don't live in a tree house and sleep on moss and banana leaf hammocks, but overall it's as healthy an environment as we can afford and provide.

If anyone is curious, I decided to go for quality but not bank breaking furniture and an Ikea mattress. The crib will convert to a toddler bed, daybed and full size bed. We're going to sidecar the crib because it's important to DH because he seems to be afraid of cosleeping. I have a feeling we'll end up with the baby in the bed anyway but we're required to have a crib and it'll make DH feel better, so why not. We'll keep our mattress and put an organic mattress pad over it. We'll have to get rid of our super puffy comforter anyway so I might replace that with some all cotton blankets.

[Boot]

I was like that with my first but now that he's a sturdy 2 year old and I'm expecting #2 realise that babies are tough and I'm not so worried. My priorities are - good food (preferably organic but not always), healthy sleep environment, gentle baby products (although honestly, you don't need much more than water), cloth diapers, non toxic cleaners (vinegar and baking soda are your friends). If I was bottle feeding I would get glass. I'm no longer concerned about organic clothing or having all the cool wool covers/ puddle pads, etc. I don't see the point in organic receiving blankets and wipes.

On the other hand, if you can afford it, it is kind of fun to do all the research for your first. Good luck with the adoption.

[JessicaS]

Baby steps.

It is really hard to start making an effort to change your impact and way of life.

I was raised as mainstream as it gets. I first came here to discuss breastfeeding.

I started with bath products. A silly thread on here where we all decided to learn to make bathbombs and not long later I was making soap, lotion and other items.

I am sensitive to fragrances so that was the easiest thing for me to change because it had a huge impact on me.

Since I had all those essential oils anyways cleaning products was just a hop away.

I would just start with ONE thing and go from there...find *your* issues, the ones that are really important to you and ease yourself in. You won't find many people here who are 100% NFL goddesses, most of us have chosen our battles.

You will NOT ruin your child if you are not perfect. No one is perfect.

[Krisis]

Originally Posted by annettemarie

Yeah, seriously, and I say this with love-- knock it off. There will always be something you can do better. One day you'll be baking your own bread, beating yourself over the head with a rolling pin because you didn't grind your own wheat. The next week you'll have ground your own wheat, but it's still not good enough because you didn't grow it yourself during the right moon phase. You can make yourself nuts.

omg. I love you.

[amber913]

I agree with the PP who said that natural family living can turn into another form of consumerism. There are the people who realize how toxic life can be and just go out and buy non-toxic versions of everything. Then there are the people who make EVERYTHING from scratch, from what they have at home. Then there are the people who feel that we don't need most of that stuff!

Babies need diapers, clothes, a carseat. A carrier (sling, wrap) is helpful. That's about it. You can sleep with them. You can bath them in the sink with water only. You can give them safe things to chew on, when the time comes. I even skipped baby food with my second.

It's amazing the stuff we bury ourselves in in preparation for a baby! Wow, if i could do it all again....

All in all, that baby will benefit more from having a happy, relaxed mom than a tense one who "did everything right".

Kudos, btw, for planning to breastfeed an adopted baby! That's awesome!!!

[nichole]

Originally Posted by amber913

All in all, that baby will benefit more from having a happy, relaxed mom than a tense one who "did everything right".

yes!