APing 2 lo's

[carrie a.]

i'm looking for moms who have successfully done AP with two babies close in age. we're expecting #2 in a week and DD is a spirited 16 month old. i'm having a lot of anxiety about being able to care for them both in the way i have with my daughter so far and some "technical" questions, mostly about nap time and our sleeping situation. anyone survive APing two babies at once? advice and/or reassurance would be so nice right now!

[Llyra]

I have twins, now almost 3 years old; my older child was 2 when they were born. I would hate to stand up in a room and claim that I APed them, because along the way, we had to make a lot of compromises with our AP beliefs, because of the reality of them being three people, and me only one. But we coslept, and breastfed, and all the rest of that. We did less babywearing than I did with DD1, because I was very sick for most of that first year with a chronic illness that flared up after the birth; I was avoiding the strong meds to keep breastfeeding.

For sleep, we mostly did whatever worked, which changed often as they grew. It helps if your partner is a good sport about going with the flow on this-- at one point, DD1 was sleeping on my floor on a mattress, and DS in bed with me, but DD2 and DH slept downstairs for half the night. For a long time, I slept with both twins, and DH slept with DD1. Stuff like that.

One thing that can really help is to start gently helping your older DD to learn how to sleep alone, or with your partner, so that she has those skills to draw on if you can't be with her for some reason. I remember my DS at 16 months still was entirely dependent on nursing to sleep; that could get touchy if you need to be with the baby for some reason, or need rest yourself. It's tough to do that if you only have a week left, but it may be something you can work on a few months from now, when baby hits that four- month sleep regression.

The most important thing I learned from the experience was how to slow down, stay calm, and focus on doing one thing at a time. When both of them are crying and need you NOW, it's easy to get frantic, and then start to feel inadequate that you're not meeting their needs. You focus on helping one, and doing a very good job of it, and giving that one child your attention, and then move to the next child. That way each child learns that even if they have to wait a few minutes for you, they can be assured of your undivided attention when you do come to them.

It helps to line up help ahead of time-- in particular, somebody your toddler knows and likes, who can take her on outings or play with her sometimes, so that you can get some time with the baby. It also helps to line up help with the other stuff- housework, etc.- so that you can focus on taking care of yourself and the kids. It's also important to make a small amount of time each day when you can focus exclusively on your older child. For us, it was when DH got home. He would take the twins for twenty minutes, and I would play something with DD, whatever she chose. Even though I could only give her that short time of totally undivided play, I think it meant a lot to her.