I feel like I will never again wake up without a giant cavernous hole in my heart. I will never again go a day without crying for the whole day . . . at the gas station, the bank, the grocery store. I just don't even give a #$%& what people think.
My young, beautiful, brilliant, mother---my best friend (one of my only friends), who I talked to every day---suffered a massive stroke Sunday night. I can't believe I'm even writing that. She was always so healthy. Last week she was teaching her college chemistry classes, ready to give finals. Now she cannot walk, cannot speak, is essentially an invalid. It is so immeasurably sad to see her trying to talk, laying in bed, gibberish coming out of her mouth, the total frustration in her eyes as she tries to talk to us and we can't understand a word. Having to feed her because she can't hold a spoon. Wiping mashed potatoes and drool off her chin.
She was so, so close to my 8-year-old DD. They had so many traditions together. They saw the Nutcracker every year together. Went out to tea on DD's birthday. We spent every holiday at her house. She was our only babysitter and she and DD always did special things when together. She is also DD's only grandparent. How will my DD not end up going through life hating the world, hating everything, like I do now?
I feel my life is over along with hers. I wish I had never been born if I had to lose my mother so young. My birthday is Saturday. I'm turning 40. The second half of my life. Years and years of misery and rage.
I cannot, cannot fathom that this has happened to me. This CANNOT be real.