Talk to me about avoiding burnout

[annethcz]

Tell me about how you avoid homeschool burnout, especially if you've been HSing for many years and have several children.

We HSed for several years, but my four kids are currently in school. I've been thinking more and more about HSing again, for a myriad of reasons. School is mostly good for my kids, and HSing was also mostly good. I'm not convinced that either option is a perfect solution- there are pros and cons to both.

We chose to put our kids in school for several reasons, but it mostly boiled down to the fact that I was burned out. I was tired of being everything to everybody (and feeling like I was failing). I was tired of the bickering between children. I was tired of driving long distances to provide social opportunities for my children (we live in the country). More than anything, I needed a break.

I usually hear advice that HSing parents should make sure to take time to themselves. And I feel like I was doing a fairly decent job of that. I traded babysitting with another HS mom, so I had a free day once every other week. We went to HS activities (where the kids had friends and I had other moms to talk with) 1-2 times/week. I went out with my friends a couple evenings a month. DH and I had regular date nights. I took week long vacations with my sister (no DH, no kids) at least once a year. I took dance lessons and pursued my own interests. I made sure that I had down time during the day so that I could read a book or surf the internet.

And still, I got to the point where I put my kids in school just so I could get a break. I joked that I put my kids in school for the free babysitting, and there's actually a lot of truth in that. It had nothing to do with academics- we were relaxed, eclectic HSers, and the academics weren't really the issue.

So I guess I'm wondering if it's crazy for me to think about HSing again. True, my kids are a bit older now and a bit more independent. The older kids can stay at home alone for short periods of time. I think if I do a better job of planning REGULAR outside activities, we'll be happier (we all go a little stir crazy if we sit at home for days at a time). I'm trying to figure out if I would be able to avoid burn out if we HSed again, of if I'm just the type of person who is happier when I get several hours/day to myself.

How do YOU avoid burn out?

[MamaMonica]

Well, I do get burned out sometimes, but that comes with parenting. Mostly it's a mental reframing that protects me from it. I decided that I don't need to do it perfectly, and I try to make sure the kids do their part even if they gripe about it. It is easier the older the youngest one gets.

[moominmamma]

I haven't really been able to make time for myself (rural, isolated, dh works long hours and is on-call most of the time he's home). So instead I've focused on trying to create a flow to our family life and a set of expectations that means my kids are easy to be with.

Most people in healthy marital relationships would not talk about "needing time apart from my spouse to avoid burnout." So why is it that they talk that way about their kids? I think it's because kids aren't as likely to respect personal boundaries, because their needs are more immediate, because they rely on their parents for entertainment and organization. In order to avoid burnout I've tried to help my kids be more like grown-ups in these respects.

So as my kids have got older, I've helped them learn to wait or plan ahead if they need my help, to understand that they have some responsibility for organizing and implementing their own activities and daily life, and I've given them skills and responsibilities that are part of their daily life, things that take part of the burden off me. They've really thrived on this kind of trust and responsibility. From my perspective it means that I can take "me time" at home, with the kids around. I can announce "I'm having a really tough time today. Can you guys look after yourselves and deal with some of the mess in the kitchen? I'm going to go and play my viola in the basement. If you need help, ask each other. If you REALLY need help, I'm there." And it means that if I really really need a break, to get out of the house for a latte and a relaxing sit at a cafe, they are able to participate in that break, coming along and enjoying the same kind of 'chill time' I'm enjoying.

Gradually, daily life at home with my kids has lost its tendency to feel oppressive. My kids are considerate and easy to be with. It didn't happen all at once, and they're not angels every moment of the day, but I know I can always express my needs and have them understood, respected and taken into account.

Miranda

[CariOfOz]

Anne, I think that as moms we give so much of ourselves, that sometimes we can't avoid burnout. I figure I do the best I can to manage it instead If your kids are older and you're not feeling stressed about it, then no it's not particularly crazy to consider having another go at it

[AngelBee]

Good question.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by MamaMonica

Well, I do get burned out sometimes, but that comes with parenting.

I agree.

I've tried both HSing and sending my children to a school outside the home at one time or another. I am lonely when my family isn't here and they enjoy being home, so for now we will continue to HS. It works for us.

[vbactivist]

Originally Posted by moominmamma

I haven't really been able to make time for myself (rural, isolated, dh works long hours and is on-call most of the time he's home). So instead I've focused on trying to create a flow to our family life and a set of expectations that means my kids are easy to be with.

Most people in healthy marital relationships would not talk about "needing time apart from my spouse to avoid burnout." So why is it that they talk that way about their kids? I think it's because kids aren't as likely to respect personal boundaries, because their needs are more immediate, because they rely on their parents for entertainment and organization. In order to avoid burnout I've tried to help my kids be more like grown-ups in these respects.

So as my kids have got older, I've helped them learn to wait or plan ahead if they need my help, to understand that they have some responsibility for organizing and implementing their own activities and daily life, and I've given them skills and responsibilities that are part of their daily life, things that take part of the burden off me. They've really thrived on this kind of trust and responsibility. From my perspective it means that I can take "me time" at home, with the kids around. I can announce "I'm having a really tough time today. Can you guys look after yourselves and deal with some of the mess in the kitchen? I'm going to go and play my viola in the basement. If you need help, ask each other. If you REALLY need help, I'm there." And it means that if I really really need a break, to get out of the house for a latte and a relaxing sit at a cafe, they are able to participate in that break, coming along and enjoying the same kind of 'chill time' I'm enjoying.

Gradually, daily life at home with my kids has lost its tendency to feel oppressive. My kids are considerate and easy to be with. It didn't happen all at once, and they're not angels every moment of the day, but I know I can always express my needs and have them understood, respected and taken into account.

Miranda

this was very helpful for me to read - thank you

[vbactivist]

Originally Posted by MamaMonica

Well, I do get burned out sometimes, but that comes with parenting. Mostly it's a mental reframing that protects me from it. I decided that I don't need to do it perfectly, and I try to make sure the kids do their part even if they gripe about it. It is easier the older the youngest one gets.

This is a good reminder - I think we should sticky soem of these responses so they are easily accessible when we are approaching burnout.

[chaos_pie]

I really resonate with what Moominmama has to say about creating a homelife that will allow you to feel that you can have some time to re-charge and have spaces that will nurture you.

When I have reached the dangerous place of complete burnout, I have really had to ask myself what is draining me, what do I need, and what can I do about this. Usually, it is not about having more breaks away from the kids, because honestly, when I get home the kids will still be fighting. It is always about addressing what is going on in the home.

So for me this process may look like: Am I drained because the kids fighting so much? I need more peace from children bickering. Why are they fighting so much? Is it because they have lack of structure? Is a child need more attention from me? Do we need a plan about what the kids are arguing (ie-5 minute turns, if arguing then clearly we aren't playing)? Do we need to work on our negotiation skills(ie-have we used asking for turns)? What can I do to change that?

Or, Am I drained because I am worrying about a child's progress, our homeschool approach, etc... I need to rationally assess how we are doing. Can I look at previous years work? Can I talk to dh about how we are doing? Do I need to seek external support/ evaluation?

Or, Am I feeling burned out because the house is a constant mess? I need to have a house that is reasonably organized so that I am not feeling chaotic. Can I have the children help more? Do I need a different schedule? Maybe take Fridays off to do household related things? Should we consider hiring help?

Or, Am I feeling burned out because I do not have enough "me" time. I need to have some time to do the things that I love. What is a realistic amount of time? What can I do to find that time? Should I hire a sitter? Should I change my expectations?

None of this is so straightforward, but I think if you can define the aspects of homeschooling that are draining you, perhaps you can better brainstorm solutions.

[Momma Aimee]

Originally Posted by annethcz

Tell me about how you avoid homeschool burnout, especially if you've been HSing for many years and have several children.

We HSed for several years, but my four kids are currently in school. I've been thinking more and more about HSing again, for a myriad of reasons. School is mostly good for my kids, and HSing was also mostly good. I'm not convinced that either option is a perfect solution- there are pros and cons to both.

We chose to put our kids in school for several reasons, but it mostly boiled down to the fact that I was burned out. I was tired of being everything to everybody (and feeling like I was failing). I was tired of the bickering between children. I was tired of driving long distances to provide social opportunities for my children (we live in the country). More than anything, I needed a break.

I usually hear advice that HSing parents should make sure to take time to themselves. And I feel like I was doing a fairly decent job of that. I traded babysitting with another HS mom, so I had a free day once every other week. We went to HS activities (where the kids had friends and I had other moms to talk with) 1-2 times/week. I went out with my friends a couple evenings a month. DH and I had regular date nights. I took week long vacations with my sister (no DH, no kids) at least once a year. I took dance lessons and pursued my own interests. I made sure that I had down time during the day so that I could read a book or surf the internet.

And still, I got to the point where I put my kids in school just so I could get a break. I joked that I put my kids in school for the free babysitting, and there's actually a lot of truth in that. It had nothing to do with academics- we were relaxed, eclectic HSers, and the academics weren't really the issue.

So I guess I'm wondering if it's crazy for me to think about HSing again. True, my kids are a bit older now and a bit more independent. The older kids can stay at home alone for short periods of time. I think if I do a better job of planning REGULAR outside activities, we'll be happier (we all go a little stir crazy if we sit at home for days at a time). I'm trying to figure out if I would be able to avoid burn out if we HSed again, of if I'm just the type of person who is happier when I get several hours/day to myself.

How do YOU avoid burn out?

It sounds to me like even when you were homeschooling before you had every tool out there not to burn out -- a ton of me time, good support, soical outlet, you time with our DH or a kid and so on -- fgrankly a ton more than most moms have (a lot lot more than i have )

so if you want to look at homeschooling again, you need to ask yourself what would be different this time?

for example: it sounds like you will still have to drive a long time (1 or 2 times a week) do go to outsdie activities. if that bothered you last time, won't it bother you this time?

I think you need to look at what you feel would keep you from burning out again -- and realistically think about if you would have THAT this time or not.