So, our planned hb is a secret *vent*

[Casha'sMommy]

And, I'm really tired of hearing about people being so concerned about our going to the hospital. Don't get me wrong, I realize I've done this on my own by not sharing the information with anyone but dh and I decided we just didn't want all the garbage that goes along with telling our very medicalized family that we're planning to have this baby at home.

This kinda came to a head when my dad called yesterday. He left a message while I was napping and I hadn't called him back within a few hours so he was frustrated with me and called again. (btw, dh was out-of-town for work until this morning.) He was concerned I'd gone into labor or something, idk. I asked him if he thought I'd go into labor and then die or something, that there was nothing to worry about. He said something about worrying about what we plan to do with dd when we "go to the hospital". I was a little miffed that he assumes we have no plans for dd should we need someone to take care of her, sheesh.
This is not the first time I've heard something from my parents in the past couple of weeks about "going to the hospital". I just want to scream! I want to just say, "LOOK! We're having this baby at home. We have people to help take care of dd. We'll call you if there's an emergency/need your help. Otherwise, JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!"

Again, I realize this could have all been avoided by just telling them about our hb plans from the beginning. At the same time, I shudder to think what I'd be hearing right now. EX: sil just had a hospital birth and OMG "Dr. had to cut the cord because it was wrapped around her body!" I'm certain that would have been used to try to convince us that we're crazy.

Thanks for reading my vent.

[etsdtm99]

your parents don't live near by do they?

my mom lives down the street.. i'd like to keep HB plans a secret to avoid all the drama (when the time comes, i'm not even pg yet) but i just don't think we could even hide it if we tried.. not from her.. we may keep it a secret from the rest of the family.. some of my extended family tried to convince me that i was harming my baby by going to a chiropractor last pregnancy..

[Peace+Hope]

meh, did you ask him if he thought you may not have plans for your daughter during the birth? i get offended by my MIL all the time, cause she's always asking me the details of my decisions - b/c she's a detail person, and because she's the matriarch type. it can get very. old.

of course you know what's best for you guys, and that's why you've kept your HB a secret, but maybe it's adding to your stress over a question that might have been innocent concern? i mean, if they are thinking of you and the birth, they are framing it the only way they know to... around the hospital... and only you know they don't know, you know? secrets can be hard to keep, even when they are for the right reasons.

and happy birthing!

[frenchkissed]

This is the perfect opportunity to tell a little lie of omission... Just tell them the truth about how you have friends signed up to help take care of your DD when you go into labor! (Whether you plan on calling them for sure or not!) It really has nothing to do with where you labor and birth the baby. If you anticipate there being negative reaction to your plans to birth at home, I would continue to keep it to yourself. You don't need any negativity right now.

~K.

[Casha'sMommy]

My parents are 5 hours away, in the upper midwest, so it's not as if my dad could have gotten to me anyway. Not with all that snow up there.
As for his questioning our plans for dd, he said, "well, I'm just worried about what you're going to do with dd when you have to go to the hospital." I think he thinks we have no friends where we live. Granted, there is no family here but we do have friends and people lined up for dd. My mom is aware of our plans for dd because, should there be the need for an extended hospital stay, my parents will be called to relieve our friends of dd and the dog. I assumed they had communicated about this but I was wrong.

I just chose not to mention where we would be having the baby while talking to my dad yesterday or my mom over the weekend or mil and sil last week.

We decided to keep this to ourselves because of the amount of negativity that would have come with telling everyone. I'm not sure which would have been worse, educating our entire family or the way I feel right now. Of course, this is all exacerbated by the fact that dh has been out of town since Tuesday morning and I'm exhausted and about ready to pop! He's on his way home now, thankfully.

[pants]

We are in the planning stage right now so that our next can be home birth. My parents at 100% behind us in this. My DH parents...well lets just say my MIL worked in a hospital for 20 years and now is a nurse in a doctors office. So she has her opinions on anything other than a hospital birth. So we chose not to include them in any decision making. We also chose not to keep any of the other family involved at all. We will not be telling anyone where we plan to have the next baby and with who. If my MIL asks I'll tell her we are going with a midwife and we'll see what happens.

[April Dawn]

I'm kind of confused... I mean, it doesn't sound like your family is trying to pressure you, right? It just sounds like they've assumed you'll be in a hospital... which is honestly a reasonable assumption if you've not said otherwise, since most births today are hospital births. As far as your dad calling, it sounds like he was just trying to be helpful. Maybe it's time to go ahead and let your family in on your plans? I know you're worried about what they will think, but it sounds like this is stressing you out so much that maybe it would be better to tell them it won't be a hospital birth.

[Casha'sMommy]

We will not be telling any family members of our plans until after baby arrives. There would be far too much negativity and I'm not up for that. My mother is passive aggressive and mil is far too pushy and I don't want to deal with either of them. While I realize our family would only have the best of intentions, I just don't need to deal with it right now.

We will tell family once baby has arrived. What's there to be negative about at that point? Then, if they all want, they can talk about us behind our backs while we babymoon to our heats content.

[prancie]

My family knows, my in-laws prolly guess but the have not initiated any discussion on our birth plans and hopefully will refrain for the sake of family peace. They were strongly opposed to the last home birth and it was made worse by them finding out from a 3rd party. We had intended to tell them, it wasn't a secret, we just had not told them YET. So, after we had to transfer and I had a c-section it was made more worse than ever. Because, of course, they were "right." I would say that I was the "right" one because we planned to birth at home unless we had indications that it wasn't safe to do so. So technically, the birth went according to plan.

SO, i think that if you have hostile relatives you shouldn't discuss it with them at all. It is your perfect right to have privacy.

[dkenagy]

We are planning a "secret" homebirth, too. There are far too many hospital nurses and other "medical experts" in our families for them to just be supportive of us and our decisions. We have not been in a position to have a homebirth before (because of where we were living and then $$ concerns), but we are very excited to be living just minutes from one of our state's senior midwives and to finally have insurance that covers HB. I'm so happy that we are finally getting what WE have wanted that I am not going to let our families' negative opinions and scare tactics threaten that in anyway. period. So we will continue to plan our secret birth... and I will just continue to "secretly" roll my eyes everytime doctors and hospitals come up in discussions about the birth of our newest baby!!

[emnic77]

I wasn't going to tell my in laws, but I did tell my parents because I knew my dad wouldn't care and my mother was a homebirth midwife assistant for years and years. Oddly, it's my mother who is driving me the most nuts about it. She actually asked me the other day if "they" would be monitoring me to see if the baby got too big for a homebirth?? I asked her who "they" were, and told her that no, I saw no reason for that, and moreover I wasn't planning on having any ultasounds. She said "well, S. was 10 pounds, aren't you worried that this one will be bigger?" and I reminded her that after that, I had DS, who was a tall and skinny 7lbs 7oz, and that the big babies run on S.'s dad's side (DS and DD have different fathers).

She then went on to tell me that the biggest homebirth baby she ever helped deliver was 12 and a half pounds. I asked her if there were any problems, she said no and dropped the subject.

Of all people, she is the LAST person I would've expected to have anything negative to say.

I decided I'm up for the fight from my in-laws, my DH is pretty good at shutting them down, and they live like 18 hours away so it's not like I have to deal with them at all.
We're not going to announce it to them, but if it comes up, we'll tell them.

[mamatogirls]

I am not telling a many people of our homebirth plans. My last birth was a failed HBA2C. I didn't tell many people last time but my family told everybody and their brother and it was just one more negative thing for me to deal with when it didn't go as planned. My parents and sister know that I plan on doing a homebirth with this pregnancy but I am not giving them details. They don't entirely agree since they thought my last birth was so scary.(It really wasn't) My in-laws never knew of our plans with our last birth and they will not know this time until baby is born. They are the kind of people that call me to make sure I have gotten the kids flu vaccination(we don't vaccinate and they don't know that either). I just say yeah we got it b/c it's easier. I am not telling anyone my "due date" this time either b/c people kept bugging me once I went "overdue" with "You still haven't had the baby", "Just go have a c-section and get it over with"...blah blah. I'm due the end of June but am telling people when they ask "July" and that's it.

I don't think it's a problem to keep your birth plans to yourself know matter how much you believe in homebirth. To me it's along the same lines as when people ask "So are you going to have more children or is this it?", don't worry about it people and don't ask me that after I just had a baby cause I'm not thinking about that right now. People are generally going to have a negative attitude about homebirth and it's really none of their business. It's okay to protect yourself from negativity. Don't feel you owe anybody an explanation of your birth plans.

[HappyMommy2]

I kept my HB a secret from most people, and it was a great decision.

I think maybe you are tired from doing everything while DH is out of town. Once you are feeling better maybe you can just chuckle and lie or omit when answering these *silly* questions.

Yes - that was an irritating question because of course you have plans for your other child! Just answer it as if he was asking about labor plans and ignore the hospital assumption.

Remember - It is best if they ARE assuming hospital, because then you aren't dealing with negativity around your hb decision. Let them assume it and chuckle inside!! neeener neener! :-)

People are irritating when we are pregnant! You can leave a msg on your voice mail saying "we haven't had the baby yet". Or update a blog/facebook saying that each day, or send out a morning email with "no baby yet". That helped keep people from calling and annoying us! Just remember to do it if you go into morning labor too so they don't freak out and figure it out!

[RomanCarmelMom]

Would your family be receptive to this or a similar script?

"Dad, we've got everything under control. DC will be watched by a friend. What I really need right now is to rest and relax. I appreciate that you care, but your repeated calls concerning the birth interrupts my naps and stresses me out. You can talk to me about other things, but please don't bring the birth up again."

[Casha'sMommy]

Dad and I are cool. I told him not to sweat the stuff he cannot control and let me take care of the things I take care of every. single. day. and stop worrying so much. Especially because he cannot get here under 5 hours anyway.
DH is home and is taking phone calls so I don't have to deal with anyone or their questions and can just get some rest and relax, while I still can that is.

HappyMommy2, you are so right! I can't even finish Christmas shopping, I'm so irritable. I snapped at some poor lady at Target the other day because she stepped in front of dd. sheesh. I better have this baby soon or someone might get hurt.