Disciplining DH ?

[Encinalien]

I guess this idea deserves a thread of it's own. I've heard many country mamas lovingly refer to their hard-working hard-loving man as "another child to raise".
I've seen many mamas here who are in love with the practical and just plain right methods of gentle-discipline. so many tips-they're time tested. They work real good. They just feel more right. There's articles and research to prove it too.

That's it. All the mommas come here asking for "articles" to prove their point and show the hubby that this way's better. Maybe I wanna be a little more suaver in teaching my own dh, but I don't know how. I don't really want to debate the facts. I want to "simply insist" and get dh to cooperate.

How do I get from here to there? How do we create respect and co-operation without having to debate every stinking detail of how to raise a kid right. (in my house we're doing alright. Neither one of us is completely getting our way on this issue).

. Simply insist
. Redirect
. Repeat what they're saying act like you're listening to them and you understand and care what they're saying.

Any more ideas? It's kind of working and I want to refine it.

[Wild Lupine]

Exemplification works very well in our house. If one of us does something that works very well with our children, the other tends to adopt that practice. Sometimes we forward articles to one another that we've found interesting or helpful. I tend to do more fo this than DH, simply I'm on the parenting forums to hear about these articles, and am more likely to do web searches about them.

We don't discuss the ins and outs very often, and if we do, it's either completely in the abstract... 'was reading this article the other day,' or it is a battle one of us feels strongly about and has decided to pick. We don't do things exactly alike. There are somethings that he does that I don't do at all (and wish he wouldn't) but they aren't big enough to make a big deal of. He would probably say the same of my parenting.

But it definitely goes both ways in our house. If it were one of us being the expert and trying to change the other, it would backfire because it's not a very respectful way of coparenting.

[Straggletag]

I'll nibble.

First and foremost, I wouldn't discuss discipline with a dissenting husband in front of anyone else. The bystander will probably have opinions, if it's a child they'll likely hear criticism of themselves, and since I'm trying to promote GD over whatever DH's method is, it's going to come off as criticism of him. I only rarely meet a person who can take criticism, and rarer still is the one that won't simply stonewall the conversation around an outsider.

Secondly, just like with the kids: start with modeling. He'll see the results. If he doesn't, he's already got his back up against it and there's no way forward without a fight.

Third, don't do to him what you wouldn't do to the kids. Don't nitpick, reprimand or scold, at best he'll resent it and treat you like his second class mother. Even if he's doing something less than ideal RIGHT NOW, you're going to make more headway by being supportive. Promote the good and shunt the bad out of the limelight.

I have no credentials, but my husband believed spanking was a necessary evil and I had to intervene to prevent it at one time, but he has come over to my way of thinking.

[Vancouver Mommy]

Communinication, leading by example and gently pointing out what doesn't work is what I try and focus on. Also, we both fall into our worst parenting habits when we're stressed or tired, so we try and work together to lighten the load or tag team when we're both near breaking point. DH and I talked at lenght about our parenting philosophy long before the kids were born though, so we have always been on the same page idiologically. Any disagreements are more a matter of technique than objective, if that makes sense. When we don't see eye to eye on method we talk about the big picture goals and the likelihood of success of one approach over another.

So, the short answer is that I don't expect my dh to simply adhere to my parenting decisions. He is an equal parent and gets to make his own mistakes (lord knows I make plenty myself) and learn what works for him. However, I spend more time with the kids and can often share my experience with him ("when this is happening I find that this is more effective than that...").