Help! 19 month old hitting and more

[gbailey]

DD is 19 months old and quiet frankly, is starting to annoy me with her hitting. I try telling her things gently but when she isn't getting her way she either cries or hits me (i.e. she'll hit my arm, hand or hit my face). I gently take her hand and say "no hitting" which just makes her more annoyed and she starts to cry or hits me again. I put her down in her playpen when she hits and tell her I love her but not hitting. Everyone suggests I pop or spank her but that's not the way I want to go. She's very high spirited but lately depending on which way the wind blows she's either extremely pleasant or extremely difficult. The good thing is she isn't hitting other people JUST ME. She doesn't hit her dad when he's home. When he tells her not to do something she comes to me for comfort. I'm home with her all day long and wonder if I'm starting to annoy her or is this just typical. It's like she's developed a new persona when she started to walk. I know this is normal but I need some more effective ways, if there are any, to deal with this.

[Solose]

With DS, I worked a lot on teaching the meaning of "gentle." Like, if he hit me I would hold his arms at his sides and tell him pretty sternly that we don't hit. Then I would take his hand and show him how pat or touch gently and say "gentle." He is 21 months now and is finally getting it. If he does continue hitting me I'll just hold his arms at his sides until he calms down. If I see he is really mad I will just back away and let him cool off.

I think, with taking the non-spanking route, it takes a while to see the results. Just be consistent and eventually she will get it.

[chirp]

my 19 mo is the same right now.

he hits me out of fun and anger.

whenever he hits we just put him down or tell him we don't want to play like that. i say things like "I don't like that." or "I'm not playing like that." I say it angrily, but not yelling. Sternly.

i don't send him away or walk away from him, but i immediately stop engaging with him so that he is no longer able to hit me.

if he comes after me again (which happens occassionally) then i do remove myself from him.

i figure as he gets older we can start having more concrete "Consequences" for hitting. I feel like right now his hitting is mostly still impulsive.

hth!!

eta: we also reinforce gentle CONSTANTLY. And i think it has helped overall. We've been doing it since he was smaller though, so no real DIFFERENCE to see. But he absolutely understands the word gentle. And is gentle most of the time. With me and his dad though..WATCHOUT for that BAT!!

[gbailey]

Thanks mamas! Great advice to follow.

[Luke's mama]

I think she probably hits you because (lucky for you!!) she feels safest with you and ok to really let out all her emotions. I know that doesn't make your job in redirecting her any easier, but I hope it makes you feel good about yourself and your relationship with her so that you won't think she is targeting you because you are annoying her.

[gbailey]

Originally Posted by Luke's mama

I think she probably hits you because (lucky for you!!) she feels safest with you and ok to really let out all her emotions. I know that doesn't make your job in redirecting her any easier, but I hope it makes you feel good about yourself and your relationship with her so that you won't think she is targeting you because you are annoying her.

That does make me feel better. Thanks! I was starting to wonder if she's just tired of being around me all of the time.

[Freud]

Yes, totally. She is doing it to you because she feels safest with you. The best thing to do is to continually tell her, "Ouch. I don't like that" when she hits you. She'll soon make the connection that hitting does not make you happy and she won't like making you feel bad. It's a developmental phase she is going through and she'll get through it!

[To-Fu]

I find that telling my almost 23mo NOT to do something, or DON'T do XYZ, just leads to more of him doing it. I think I read on MDC a while ago that when we phrase things like that, toddlers don't hear the "don't" part, but rather the "hit" part.

So we do a lot of telling him what we DO want him to do. We use the word "gentle" and show him what it means, too. It doesn't always work, but it does seem to be more effective than phrasing it the other way.

Good luck! It's a difficult thing.

[kristentm]

I have the same issue and just discovered that I can redirect the hitting into a "high five". That meets DS' need to hit and connect with me in an acceptable way.

[dogretro]

Yeah, my 19-mo-old started hitting me, too, a bit ago when she is angry. She has understood "nice touches" and "be nice" for quite some time now (we have cats ), so when she hits me, I tell her, "Be nice to Mama," & give her an upset look. Sometimes I hold her hand when I say this. I might also say, "Hitting hurts Mama, nice touches/be nice," or, "Don't hit Mama, that hurts." She has recently gained understanding of the words "hurt" and "boo-boo" so I know she knows what I mean. I always try and re-direct her w/ nice touches. She will sometimes randomly come up to me, pet me, and say, "Nice," which is v cute Dh and I also tell her when she is angry that she can cry and yell or hit her toys. I ask if she needs a hug. Really, she is just angry and feels the need to lash out, which I totally understand, so I do not take it personally. I know she will grow out of it & is showing me that she trusts me w/ her anger and I, in turn, help her understand how to express it in a less hurtful manner.

Smacking a kid b/c they smacked someone (I don't care who) is just dumb. They are not allowed to hit you, but you can hit them? Makes ZERO sense!

[gbailey]

Hi all. I just wanted to say thanks and report back on what I've been doing with DD. I tell her "ouch!" when she hits me and that I love her but I don't like hitting. The first time she cried and leaned in for a hug. The hitting is happening less and she is more gentle with things. She likes to bang on my belly for laughs and I had to tell her "let's rub and pat gentle not hard." I rub her belly gently and then she'll do the same to me. It seems to be working but boy is she high-spirited! SHe is stubborn and everything is an eh eh. She tries my patience on a daily basis but it helps to know I am not the only mama going through this. LOL