Shouldn't I be better at this by now?

[Ms. Cellaneous]

So, it's been seven weeks and at times I still feel as overwhelmed/clueless as I did the first weeks, if possible even more. I expected the first few weeks to be overwhelming, but I thought by now I would feel a little more competent. Instead I have no idea if I'm doing the right things, if I'm stimulating him enough, if I'm helping him get into good sleep patterns or somehow sabotaging his sleep. I've always heard that mothers know from their baby's cries whether he's tired/hungry/wet/etc. but I have no idea.
Today I wanted to get out of the house but it's so cold out, and I was worried about him being too cold, but then if I bundled him up and went into a store I was worried about him being too hot -- so I just dithered about it, and then it was too late and I had to nurse him again, so we never went out. I just feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. And the breastfeeding sometimes just seems relentless -- we've been pretty lucky in that he latched on pretty easily and we've had no major problems, but he's still nursing every 1-3 hours -- is that normal? Or should he be going longer by now? He certainly seems to think he should be eating every 1-3 hours, so I've been taking my cues from him, but then sometimes I just nurse him because I don't know how else to stop the crying.
And there's been a lot of crying. Usually he's calm in the morning, fussy in the afternoon/evening; today that pattern seems to have reversed. But it just kills me when he's crying and I can't figure out the reason why. I end up just walking around all day bouncing him. It seems like I should know how to comfort him better by now.
Sometimes he sleeps hardly at all during the day, and it seems like that can't be good for him. For me, there's just no break until DH comes home from work, and even then I'm still basically on-duty. I know DH would happily take him for a longer stretch on the weekend if I could leave a bottle of milk, but it's so hard for me to store up a bottle of breastmilk -- he's nursing so often it feels like I hardly have time between feedings to pump some extra!
I love my son. I'm so glad I have him. But will I ever have time to myself again, just a little? I thought that eventually I would have time to write a little, time to work around the house, time to take a shower at least! Not yet, I guess. My sister and SIL both have 2.5-year-olds and they keep telling me to appreciate it now because it gets a lot harder. I do want to appreciate and cherish this time with him as an infant, but really? It gets HARDER? Because I don't know if I can deal with that!! I feel like I'm barely hanging on as it is, and, like I said, maybe not doing such a good job.
Ugh. I'm sorry, this is so long, and probably boring, but I just needed to vent that out.

[AuntieLiz]

I could have written your post word-for-word, and my DS is 10 weeks old. I feel like he's running me ragged, that I don't know what I'm doing, and I have NO time to do anything for myself or even make plans. I have to remind myself that he's just a baby and tha tI shouldn't compare him or myself to anyone else. He's kind of high needs, and I'm not as young or fit as other moms I know, so I just have to take this all one day at a time. sometimes one minute at a time. I think what you (and i) are doing is intuitive parenting, and it takes time to let your relationship with your baby mature organically. don't try to do too much too soon.

DS slept maybe 3 whole hours last night and i was beside myself. i worry about PPD because of the terrible thoughts in my head and i'm so afraid that the frustration and sleep-deprivation will get the better of me. i love my baby so much but this is SUPER hard. everyone says it gets better; i hope that's true.

sorry if this is disjointed or nonsensical but that's how my brain is going these days. Just wanted you to know you're not alone and I feel your pain.

[Aufilia]

2 year olds are just hard in different ways than babies. I have a 3.5 year old and a baby and they're both tough in their own ways.

In the scheme of things, 7 weeks isn't very long, really. It FEELS like an eternity but it isn't. You are still a very new mom and your baby is a very new baby. DS is nearly 7 weeks and just when I think I have him all figured out he changes. I do feel like I mostly know what his cries are about BUT I felt totally different with my first... and he's just a very different baby than she was.

DS nurses about every 1-3 hours as well. Totally normal. Try pumping on breast while he nurses on the other side. Or hand expressing.

You will find a way to have more time for yourself when he's older. With DD, I don't really remember much in the first year (sleep deprivation!) but I do recall that right around her first birthday I had challenged myself to write 1000 words a day and didn't have trouble doing it.

[Pandme]

Harder at 2.5? No. Different challenges, sure. But it is WAY more fun. There is absolutely no comparison to these early weeks. None.

[joyakshi]

i could have written your post too. we're 8 weeks and currently bouncing on the yoga ball with Roslyn in the sleepy wrap, as I have been for 8 weeks.
today is harder. growth spurt? learning new things? she's inconsolable.
I do the 5 S's (Happiest Baby on the Block, by Dr. Harvey Karp) - swaddle TIGHT, play CD of the vacuum cleaner DH made - LOUDLY, put her in a carrier with a pacifier and bounce, and she's kind of on her side I guess.
so sick of bouncing and the vacuum noise...but I'll take it over a screaming baby.

[Friendlee]

9 weeks old here and I, too, could have written your post. Seems like a lot of us could and therefore I can only assume that we're more normal than we feel like we are when we're all cooped up in our houses for days at a time!

Some things that I've found helpful:

-Scheduling a Starbucks run (drive-thru) for the next morning just to get out of the house. I pick my clothes out the night before, get everything all ready in the evening while my dh holds the baby and, while it might not be by 8AM like I planned, I still try really hard to just get out of the house to get coffee. Sometimes I don't get out until 3pm and sometimes not at all. But I find it motivating to at least have put some shoes on. And drive-thru coffee doesn't come with any of those "too cold?" "too warm?" worries. (I stress about that too).

-The E.A.S.Y. method from the Baby Whisperer. Basically it's a cycle that you follow, no time limits so it allows for all different babies. The baby (E) eats, then has an (A) activity, then (S) sleeps and that's (Y) you time. The activity can be as simple as a diaper change and an outfit change even if it's only for the sake of activity. Activity could also be sitting in the bouncer watching you move about doing the dishes, or walking out to get the mail. When I started following this, I found that my baby just sort of naturally fell into this exact cyclical order. Suddenly I sort of knew what to expect and started guessing better at what she needed. Personally we are REALLY struggling with the nap though. (She will not sleep on her own for more than 15 minutes and so I never get to the (Y) you time. But at least there's a little more predictability to my day.

-One last thing. It's a product. The Fisher Price Rock and Play Sleeper. It rocks and it's good for keeping the baby a little elevated after eating to minimize reflux issues and you can so easily drag it all over the house as you move from room to room without upsetting the baby. Also, it's fine for them to sleep in overnight, so you can drag it bedside if you need to and gently rock the baby back to sleep if he/she wakes up overnight. I also use this rocker by putting dd in it after nursing so that I can pump for 5 minutes while I rock her with my foot and talk to her. (I'm trying to build up my supply and even if I only get one measily ounce, I store as many little ounces as I can in a bag in the fridge and at the end of the day I might have 4 ounces to freeze).

Hope that helps a little? I'm open to anyone else's suggestions for the OP's concerns since I share them!

[Spiralshell]

nak
typing one handed at 3:56am...
I too could have written your post. I think this is normal and ok and I have gotten very zen about it... living very much in the moment. DP is away on a mission for a few weeks (air force) so I am all alone except for an hour or two most days when my mom comes over to help. We nurse, we rock, we get very little things done with him in the moby, we fall asleep with him on my chest or in the moby or sometimes the swing or packnplay.....lather rinse repeat.
It's ok and this is temporary
Today first time (he's 6 weeks) I pumped one side while nursing the other and saved ~3oz without even pumping every feeding. This let me leave him w my mom while I hit the grocery store alone for the first time since September. Felt good!! Turns out he slept the whole time and didn't even need the milk

[Norasmomma]

Babies are easy it's toddlers that are a nightmare(at least for me).

[Pandme]

I didn't even start to enjoy, really enjoy mothering until I had a toddler. Dealing with the fussing and the no sleeping and having to BF all the time and stress about why is she doing this or that....babies are something to be endured. They are like little animals, cute ones, but little animals. I wanted to parent a little person and that's a toddler. They talk, they walk, they tell you what's wrong. Even the tantrums are funny, because at least you understand what is going on.

[Maela]

I could have written your post during the first four months of my Dd's life. It was SO hard adjusting to motherhood. And She was a high needs baby for sure. It'll get easier. People used to tell me to enjoy it because it gets harder; and I would wonder what I had gotten myself into. Was I just not cut out to be a mother? Well, those people were wrong (at least for me). I love being a mother to a toddler! For me, it is SO much easier! I bet it will be for you too. Really I felt like she was much easier when she started crawling and entertaining herself a little.

Originally Posted by Pandme

I didn't even start to enjoy, really enjoy mothering until I had a toddler. Dealing with the fussing and the no sleeping and having to BF all the time and stress about why is she doing this or that....babies are something to be endured. They are like little animals, cute ones, but little animals. I wanted to parent a little person and that's a toddler. They talk, they walk, they tell you what's wrong. Even the tantrums are funny, because at least you understand what is going on.

I feel this way exactly!! We are probably only having two kids because I just don't think I can go through another babyhood.
Some people are just baby people and some people enjoy toddlers or older kids more.


And yes it's normal to nurse that much. I would be worried if a baby that young wasn't nursing that much. Dd nursed that often until she was about a year old. And crying that much is normal for some babies too (especially my babies ). I liked the idea that a pp mentioned about getting everything ready for the next morning during the night before you go to bed so that you can get ready more easily. That worked for me.

[Maela]

Originally Posted by Ms. Cellaneous

For me, there's just no break until DH comes home from work, and even then I'm still basically on-duty.

Just wanted to add that this is THE hardest part for me. The fact that you're never really off-duty. Even when I'm not around my kids, I feel responsible for them and worry about them. That was hard to adjust to, but you get used to it. And the older they get, the less you worry about them. Of course, maybe that changes when they get to be teenagers; I haven't gotten that far yet.

[kathleen_mary]

It's only been five weeks for us, but yeah, I still don't know what I'm doing. Laurel does eat that often for some of the day. Or sometimes all of a day. My mom comes over to help, and asks about her "routine" and I don't really know what it is. It seems that as soon as I think she's doing something on a regular basis, she changes. And the diapering is RELENTLESS. Seriously, still 20 diapers a day.

Originally Posted by joyakshi

i could have written your post too. we're 8 weeks and currently bouncing on the yoga ball with Roslyn in the sleepy wrap, as I have been for 8 weeks.
today is harder. growth spurt? learning new things? she's inconsolable.
I do the 5 S's (Happiest Baby on the Block, by Dr. Harvey Karp) - swaddle TIGHT, play CD of the vacuum cleaner DH made - LOUDLY, put her in a carrier with a pacifier and bounce, and she's kind of on her side I guess.
so sick of bouncing and the vacuum noise...but I'll take it over a screaming baby.

I just started doing this stuff. It seems to work really well. The last couple of nights she's done 1-2 four hour stretches of sleep in the swaddle. I have to run the hair dryer to get her to chill out though. DH has learned to sleep right through it.

[Maela]

Originally Posted by kathleen_mary

It seems that as soon as I think she's doing something on a regular basis, she changes.

I know! It's frustrating!

[MeredithK]

I, too, completely relate to this. Since so many of us do, it must mean it's pretty normal. I feel like I'll never get a moment to myself. I look forward to showers since that's the only time I can't hear the baby crying and it makes me not try to take any action and leave it up to DH.

But, even though I still don't feel like I know what I'm doing...I try to trust what little instincts I have. Everytime I think I should feed him and I don't....I realize soon after that I should have done it. It's so easy to doubt yourself. Sometimes I'll spend a good few minutes deciding if I should change him or not. If I had just gotten up and changed him, I would have been back to bed earlier!

I agree with doing little things. Like Friendlee said, the drive-thru starbucks has really helped. We make it our afternoon outing. It helps me to feel a bit normal and I get to do something for me.

It is hard, but I do think it will get better. Hang in there and know that we all relate!

[Ms. Cellaneous]

Oh, it is such a relief to know that I'm not alone. We'll get through this!
I am soooo glad for this forum, I think isolation is part of the problem -- I don't have mama friends irl yet, though I hope to make some, and I've been avoiding crowds of people for the first few weeks, and now it's too cold to go out much. All of which adds up to some cabin fever I think.

The good news is that today has been a lot better. I was inspired by all your posts and actually got out of the house for a little bit, and ate breakfast AND lunch! (OK, standing up over the sink, but still! Meals!) And he's actually sleeping in his swing now, has been for a good 20 minutes -- woo-hoo!

Now I am going to respond to a bunch of comments because there's so much that totally resonated with me.

Auntie Liz -- I don't know how old you are, but I'm 35 and I tell people the hardest thing about having a baby at 35 is having a 35-year-old back! Some days I just physically cannot carry/bounce him one more step. I live in fear of my back going out, because then I would be totally screwed.
Also, re the terrible thoughts -- I think it's one of the big secrets of motherhood that everyone has those thoughts. But we're all afraid to say them out loud for fear of being involuntarily committed (at least I am!). I love Anne Lamott's book Operating Instructions -- she's really honest about the ugly moments of her son's first year, plus she's just a great writer.

Aufilia: That's great that you were able to write 1000 words a day around the year mark. That gives me hope that there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Joyakshi: I do the five S's too! I haven't tried the hair dryer (no vaccuum cleaner) yet, but I need to remember that next time I'm desperate. Also, this is going to sound awful, but I find that I swaddle him a lot better when I'm a little annoyed/frustrated -- NOT that I hurt him, but I'm just a little less gentle than normal and that means I do the swaddle tighter. That looks terrible written down, but it's true. If I don't swaddle super-tight he's out of it in like 5 minutes. He's the Houdini of swaddles, I swear.

Friendlee: You inspired me, I got out of the house this morning! I'm in the city, so no car, but it felt really good just to walk a few blocks. And it was really cold, but I put him in the Moby and then put a bunch of layers on over it so I could unzip inside, and you know what, he survived!
AND, I read the Baby Whisperer and do EASY too, and have the EXACT SAME issue as you! We've got the Eat and the Activity down pretty well, but Sleep and "You" time -- not so much. It's less EASY than EAEAEAEAEAEAEEEEEEE -- which coincidentally is the sound I make sometimes.
However, I tried to really do it today, and wonder of wonders it's working! He's sleeping now in his swing, praise the lord. I think in my anxiety over doing everything right I may have been overstimulating him and going straight from Activity into Overtired. So, fingers crossed, I'll keep trying it...

Spiralshell: Once again I wish we had a "I'm not worthy!" Wayne's-World-style bowing down smiley to express how I feel about you doing this with DP away. You're so right, it's all about living in the moment. Something I generally suck at. But I'm trying to get better.
And isn't it amazing how GOOD a solo trip to the grocery store can feel?

Pandme: Thank you. Totally agree with you on the little animals thing. Or aliens. Nto being able to communicate and figure out what's wrong is probably the hardest part for me; at least that will get better in the toddler years.

Kathleen Mary: My MIL keeps asking about his schedule too! I don't know what to say. I don't know if people just forget what babies are like at this age or what. I just say something like, "oh, we're flexible on schedule," which sounds a lot better than "he may scream randomly for no apparent reason at any time so WATCH OUT."
And yes, every time I think I have something figured out (like today), the next day is totally different. The same things don't work from day to day. Mothering is such an excellent lesson in humility.

[ZoraP]

OP, you've got a great sense of humor about it which means you'll make it through this!I just want to say that I'm on my third baby now and yes, all of them are about like that. (Eating all the time, crying for no apparent reason, not wanting to stay asleep, etc.) With this one I've ended up being pretty busy with the other two kids, so I just pop her in the Sleepy Wrap, grab my (well-stocked) diaper bag and go. This works surprisingly well -- while I'm out and about in town, riding the bus or walking with my kids, or going shopping, the LO sleeps. And sleeps. And sleeps. Angelically. Then when we get home she's ready for a nurse and a new diaper, then she's all smiles until she gets sleepy again (which also means cranky). I spend long periods of the day either wearing her and doing active things (light housework, baking Christmas cookies, taking a walk, etc.), or holding her in my lap nursing her (yes, for hours straight it seems) as I work on the computer. It all seems to add up to a less-fussy baby than my other two, although she's not really "easy." I eat most of my meals one-handed so I can nurse her -- it's easier than all the other calming tricks I could try.

All of us are still in the early postpartum period, though, which helps explain the psychological effort of simple things like "Does my baby have the right clothes on for this weather?" I find the first 2-3 months mentally really foggy, so I don't expect too much of myself. Remember you're still in your "fourth trimester" and go easy on yourself.

[joyakshi]

Ha Ha - I'm laughing at the Y part - you time. right! naps means bouncing on the yoga ball and trying to type.
the rest of it is us - naps, nurse, diaper, awake activity for 15 min - then nap again.

Originally Posted by Friendlee

-The E.A.S.Y. method from the Baby Whisperer. Basically it's a cycle that you follow, no time limits so it allows for all different babies. The baby (E) eats, then has an (A) activity, then (S) sleeps and that's (Y) you time. The activity can be as simple as a diaper change and an outfit change even if it's only for the sake of activity. Activity could also be sitting in the bouncer watching you move about doing the dishes, or walking out to get the mail. When I started following this, I found that my baby just sort of naturally fell into this exact cyclical order. Suddenly I sort of knew what to expect and started guessing better at what she needed. Personally we are REALLY struggling with the nap though. (She will not sleep on her own for more than 15 minutes and so I never get to the (Y) you time. But at least there's a little more predictability to my day.

[joyakshi]

oh, also - I loved the trip to the grocery store last week. when DH goes he doesn't get enough frozen stuff for me for lunch and for dinners so I starve.

I can't really get out of the house much b/c Roslyn hates her car seat and I'm not in a walkable neighborhood (proximity wise).

she loves the Sleepy Wrap too. as do I, until I get my hammock!!!

[kjs]

This time with baby #3 i kinda know that for the beginning 6 months at least it is all about MOM. Even when DH has a few bottles of milk and a binky and a blanket and music, he still just wants me. But it is okay for him to be upset!! I can go to the store for an hour or two and not feel guilty that he may be with DH and not so happy. I just do all the night waking this time, because he just wants the boob, even if he does not want to nurse, he wants ACCESS to the boob. SO I just get up and skip the middle time in which DH tries to calm him down and I am awake anyway listening to him scream.
Baby does want to eat every 1-3 hours if I am there, but when i leave him with DH or MIL he is content with every 3hours or not even. Like I said, he just wants access to breasts all the time. IT DOES GET EASIER AND MORE FUN. These times are magical and new, but every stage is fun ( maybe not 3yrs old), BUT WE WILL NEVER BE THIS SLEEP DEPRIVED AGAIN!!!! That makes it feel easier, even when your toddler is on the floor screaming at you, I try to beleive that we will be well rested again, someday. One day when my baby #3 is weaned, I will miss the breastfeeding, and have no memory of waking up every hour or two for weeks and weeks on end....My baby #2 is five, and he was sleeping like 10 hours a night...straight, so I know one day baby #3 will too.